The prescription

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Do I have a Girl for You!

A shadchan corners a yeshiva bochur and says, "Do I have a girl for you!"

"Not interested," replies the bochur.

"But she's beautiful!"

"Yeah?" says the bochur.

"Yes. And she's very rich too."

"Really?"

"And she has great yichus! From a very fine family."

"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."

Replies the shadchan, "Well, you can't have everything!"

A true story about Positive Behavior

A Story for Valentine's Day By Jo Ann Larsen

Larry and Jo Ann were an ordinary couple. They lived in an ordinary house on an ordinary street. Like any other ordinary couple, they struggled to make ends meet and to do the right things for their children.
They were ordinary in yet another way — they had their squabbles. Much of their conversation concerned what was wrong in their marriage and who was to blame.
Until one day when a most extraordinary event took place.
"You know, Jo Ann, I've got a magic chest of drawers. Every time I open them, they're full of socks and underwear," Larry said. "I want to thank you for filling them all these years."
Jo Ann stared at her husband over the top of her glasses. "What do you want, Larry?"
"Nothing. I just want you to know I appreciate those magic drawers."
This wasn't the first time Larry had done something odd, so Jo Ann pushed the incident out of her mind until a few days later.
"Jo Ann, thank you for recording so many correct check numbers in the ledger this month. You put down the right numbers 15 out of 16 times. That's a record."
Disbelieving what she had heard, Jo Ann looked up from her mending. "Larry, you're always complaining about my recording the wrong check numbers. Why stop now?"
"No reason. I just wanted you to know I appreciate the effort you're making."
Jo Ann shook her head and went back to her mending. "What's got into him?" she mumbled to herself.
Nevertheless, the next day when Jo Ann wrote a check at the grocery store, she glanced at her checkbook to confirm that she had put down the right check number. "Why do I suddenly care about those dumb check numbers?" she asked herself.
She tried to disregard the incident, but Larry's strange behavior intensified.
"Jo Ann, that was a great dinner," he said one evening. "I appreciate all your effort. Why, in the past 15 years I'll bet you've fixed over 14,000 meals for me and the kids."
Then "Gee, Jo Ann, the house looks spiffy. You've really worked hard to get it looking so good." And even "Thanks, Jo Ann, for just being you. I really enjoy your company."
Jo Ann was growing worried. "Where's the sarcasm, the criticism?" she wondered.
Her fears that something peculiar was happening to her husband were confirmed by 16-year-old Shelly, who complained, "Dad's gone bonkers, Mom. He just told me I looked nice. With all this makeup and these sloppy clothes, he still said it. That's not Dad, Mom. What's wrong with him?"
Whatever was wrong, Larry didn't get over it. Day in and day out he continued focusing on the positive.
Over the weeks, Jo Ann grew more accustomed to her mate's unusual behavior and occasionally even gave him a grudging "Thank you." She prided herself on taking it all in stride, until one day something so peculiar happened, she became completely discombobulated:
"I want you to take a break," Larry said. "I am going to do the dishes. So please take your hands off that frying pan and leave the kitchen."
(Long, long pause.) "Thank you, Larry. Thank you very much!"
Jo Ann's step was now a little lighter, her self-confidence higher and once in a while she hummed. She didn't seem to have as many blue moods anymore. "I rather like Larry's new behavior," she thought.
That would be the end of the story except one day another most extraordinary event took place. This time it was Jo Ann who spoke.
"Larry," she said, "I want to thank you for going to work and providing for us all these years. I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate it."
Larry has never revealed the reason for his dramatic change of behavior no matter how hard Jo Ann has pushed for an answer, and so it will likely remain one of life's mysteries. But it's one I'm thankful to live with.
You see, I am Jo Ann.

Reprinted by permission of Jo Ann Larsen (c) 1992 from Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved.

Judge OKs wall for splittin' spouses

Judge OKs wall for splittin' spouses

By JOTHAM SEDERSTROM DAILY NEWS WRITER

It's the "War of the Roses," Brooklyn-style.
A judge has ordered a soon-to-be divorced couple to live unhappily ever after in the Borough Park home they shared for 18 years - by having a wall built smack dab in the middle of their dining room.

Millionaire sweater manufacturer Simon Taub was granted permission during divorce proceedings in August to divide the home with sheetrock walls, so he wouldn't have to relinquish it to wife, Chana Taub.

Simon, 57, would have his own kitchen, bedroom and bathroom in a 900-square-foot area on two floors of the 49th St. home.

"I don't wish this on anybody," said Chana Taub, 56, whose husband owns homes across the borough, including the house next door. "I hope God will help, and somebody will straighten out this whole thing."

Chana Taub has appealed Judge Sarah Krauss' ruling. But if the decision is upheld, the former lovebirds could be walking into the same home, divided in two - just like in the 1989 film starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.

The wall drama began in August when Krauss granted the wife an order of protection against Simon Taub, who owns TechKnits Inc. of Williamsburg.

But citing the husband's heart condition, Krauss approved his bid to build the wall, saying, "I am not going to be excluding him entirely from his home.

"The best way to deal with this is to split the home," Krauss said, according to court documents - even though the husband owns the house next door.

Krauss, who recused herself in December following objections from Chana Taub's attorney, Susan Settenbrino, also offered a court-mandated outline for postmatrimonial bliss.

"Neither party shall interfere with any of the electrical, plumbing, phones or other systems located in their respective portions of the marital residence," Krauss wrote.

"No litigant should have to endure this kind of abuse," Settenbrino said of Krauss' decision. "There should be recourse for such orders without having to spend $200,000 [on the appeal]."

Simon Taub's attorney, Frank Snitow, said the wall would separate portions of two floors, but only give about 25% of the home to his client.

Snitow cited the home's proximity to Simon's doctor's office, a nearby synagogue and his four kids, two of whom still live in the house with his wife. "I don't think it's an extraordinary measure under these circumstances," he said. "This is one of the largest homes in Borough Park. You could even call it a mansion."

Talk about messed up. IMHO all the way from the judge, lawyer, to the participants this is about revenge and all.

Hashem should help us all.

~ Let's Wear Purple Hats! ~

In honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer, here is an angel sent to watch over you. Pass this on to five women that you want watched over. If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's," and more "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it ..and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.


Beautiful Women's Month
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's go ing out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

* * * * * * * * *

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." (Will Rogers )

we need a mensch

Frumster came up with this real catchy animation.

Would anybody care to share their experiences from that site?

Dad's Automotive Guide To Women

To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Holiday shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

He said She said * He heard She heard

Single By Choice One Man's Gripe

Single By Choice
One Man's Gripe
Women keep upgrading their formula for Mr. Right
By WALTER KIRN

Aug. 28, 2000

Whatever it is that women want in men, two things are certain: a) it changes annually, and b) women never seem to find it. In the '70s, they looked for sensitivity. Then came a backlash. Strength was the ideal; then strength and sensitivity combined. And a willingness to commit, of course--without being clingy. Clinginess was fatal. A little success and power were welcome too, as long as the man in question wasn't controlling. Now, it seems that what's wanted is a soul mate, a sort of buff Buddha who's terrific in bed, who's on top of his health, his finances and emotions and can serve in a pinch as a spiritual adviser. It's a testimony to women's romantic natures that they really believe such men exist out there.
Human mating wasn't always this complicated. When it came to attracting a woman's interest, it used to be easy for a guy: get a good job and use deodorant. To be considered promising-husband material, a man didn't even have to be good-looking; he just had to have a job--and use deodorant. That was my father's world. It disappeared some time between the Beatles and the Eagles and didn't return. What replaced it was a shopping list. A long one, always subject to revision and spur-of-the-moment additions and deletions--the sort of list that women bring to supermarkets.
I once dated a woman, a New York artist, who went through her checklist for me, point by point. Her dream man needed to earn more money than she did--50% more, to be exact. He had to have a wide and varied social circle drawn from the city's upper echelons. Last, he had to be in therapy--not just any form of therapy, mind you, but classical Freudian therapy. I was flummoxed. Because I liked the woman, I set to work remaking myself according to her outline, but midway through my self-improvement drive, she dropped me cold. I was trying too hard, she said. My question to her was, Why would any man slave for riches, cultivate snobbish friends and lie down twice a week on a shrink's couch except to impress some woman? She couldn't answer this.
What hasn't changed over all these years is what men want in women. If the drama of sexual interest is a dance, it's a dance with a broomstick, men being the broomstick. They stand there, staring at a woman's chest, while the woman whirls around in circles, making requests and ticking off conditions. Come closer. No, give me space. Commit. Back off. Toughen up. Soften up. Lighten up. Get serious. It's enough to drive a guy to drink, but unfortunately contemporary women no longer find hard-drinking men attractive. This too will change, though.
In the meantime, men will continue to mold themselves to fit the ideal of the moment. Witness Al Gore. In his quest to attract the women's vote, he has tried everything from empathy to aggression, sports jackets to polo shirts. Poor thing. By trying to look strong, he risks appearing weak--a mistake I made once myself. I'm wiser now. Whatever it is that women want in men, they'll want something different next year, with one exception. They'll always prefer guys who use deodorant.
Walter Kirn is married

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!
Sincerely, XXX

-------------------------------------

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with the idea that Husband 1.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolate 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember, the system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherinLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherinLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you luck.

Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

-------------------------------------

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Friendship

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

The offer and The arrangement

What I want in a man

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
1. Breathing--

Unholy undies adorn rabbi's tomb

Got this story in email-

Hundreds of young Israeli women looking for husbands have been placing their underwear on the tomb of a venerated rabbi in the hopes that their marriage prayers will be answered.

Authorities have collected around 400 pairs of knickers and bras from the grilles of the tomb's window and on nearby trees, the Maariv daily has reported.

According to Jewish tradition, anyone who is unmarried will meet their soul mate and marry within a year if they visit the final resting place of Rabbi Yenothan Ben Uziel in northern Israel.

But Rabbi Israel Deri, who is in charge of protecting holy sites in the north, has told the newspaper the women's prayers will go unanswered.

"Having consulted with the chief rabbis, I can say with certainty that not only are these women guilty of a profanity but they will also never gain benediction," he said.
- AFP
charged with preserving the final resting place of Rabbi Yenothan Ben Uziel in the Amuka region of northern Israel, the Maariv daily reported on Sunday.

What were these women thinking? There must be a positive side to this. Can anyone help me out here?

Smart shopping to find guy

I got a kick of this. It shows what focus can achieve

Do good looks guarantee anything?

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "G-d".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" G-d said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" G-d said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OOPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and G-d tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet G-d and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks later, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone has ever seen.

"How did you get so lucky and get such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!

Is this a joke? Is it not the real thing here and now?

Most of the good looking men and women do not seem to be matching up. When they do, very few are truly humble and happy with what they have.

What makes today's times different is that many people think they can choose today more than once upon a time. They think that one can "click" on matches suggested to them and the match will be there begging. They think there are endless handsome men and/or gorgeous women lined up waiting just for them. They are mad at us matchmakers why we are not banging down the doors 24/7.

In all reality, women who are above average weight do not have a fighting chance. Even the above average weight men want only thin women.

What are we supposed to tell these "above average weight" women?

MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS -- AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER!

(got this story from email)

Friday December 9, 2005

By Grace Green

MARSEILLES, France -- Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach -- and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around -- and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it -- and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street -- and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole -- who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb -- while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

"Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said flabbergasted Daniel.

"The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls.

"She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic.

"The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach -- and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her.

"As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.

"I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul -- Nicole's husband of 27 years -- wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.

I've had people posting pictures that are from their younger years on the dating-matching sites, but this one is outta here.

marriage and sports

It seems that there are actually many marriages brought into marriage.

One thing Men bring in is sports. Now women are not against it, but it’s the timing and the amount of time spent that puts the marriage out of whack plenty.

What is the other side of the story?

Will the world become Chasidic?

The Newest Kind of Infidelity

Hold the sex! With emotional infidelity, all it takes to cheat is a close friendship.

If you're married and you share secrets with a close friend of the opposite sex or go out for drinks after work, you are guilty of emotional infidelity. That's the controversial verdict from M. Gary Neuman, a Miami Beach, Fla., therapist and author of the new book, "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship."

His words are blunt: You can't have an intimate relationship at work and still have a great relationship at home. Even if there is no sex, he claims that any sort of male-female friendship outside of marriage is adultery. Period.

Those are frightening words. With the long and intense work hours so many regularly endure, close friendships at work with people of both genders are typically the norm. Neuman's advice is simple and direct: Back off. He told The Baltimore Sun, "My message is that if you want to infuse passion and have a buddy for the rest of your life, you have to keep that emotional content in your marriage. Otherwise, it's not going to happen."

His views may be extreme, but even his critics--and there are many--acknowledge that his central premise that friendships between members of the opposite sex can harm marriages is probably valid. Author and infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, told the Sun that office friendships are a big concern. "Many love affairs begin just that way."

How many of us cheat? About 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women admit to having had a sexual affair, according to the University of Chicago. Glass just shakes her head at those numbers. They're far too low in her opinion. It's more like 40 to 50 percent of men and 25 percent of women, according to her calculations.

But those numbers are for people who have committed sexual infidelity. What about emotional infidelity? How common is that? Glass says it's likely in the 55 to 65 percent range, and the numbers are growing. She told the Sun that in her opinion three things must first happen before it qualifies as infidelity:

Emotional intimacy that is greater than in the marriage

Sexual tension

Secrecy
"Friendship becomes a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage or takes place outside a marriage," Glass told Sun reporter Peter Jensen. Still, Neuman contends that any close friendship can be a problem for a marriage. "If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you're still shortchanging your spouse," he says, calling the workplace Ground Zero for emotional infidelity. As many as 73 percent of sexual affairs get started in the cubicles and copy rooms of America, not to mention during lunch, drinks after work, business trips, and team building retreats.
"We have hard and fast decisions to make," he told the Sun. "What's the most meaningful thing in your life? We can't fool ourselves into thinking we can have these intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home."

10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

1.Keep it all business in the office.

2.Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.

3.Meet in groups.

4.Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.

5.Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.

6.Don't share your personal feelings.

7.Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

8.Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.

9.Don't drink around the opposite sex.

10.Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

Source: "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship," by M. Gary Neuman

Talk about going full circle. From the '60s of free sex and open relationships to "Be unflinchingly honest with yourself"? Is this guy for real?

Is the dating scene like a "blonde" joke?

Here is one of the classic "blonde" jokes.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

I find that most of the people in the dating scene are looking for the "alligator shoes". And it seems just like one "blonde" joke.

Forty-five years of misery is enough !

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT! getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get here. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife." Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Pesach and paying their own airfares."

Popularity

Here is a clear Chicken Soup story about being popular.

Blizzards and Sweater Vests By Ester Sooter, Age 16

While in middle school, students seem to have one goal: to be popular. More than anything, most of the students fervently hope to not be accused of going against the grain. These young teenagers would much rather conform and be accepted by the "in" crowd than focus on finding their own identity, style or path. Like most thirteen-year-olds, I succumbed to this need to fit in. One afternoon, however, I had a conversation with my father that made me think twice about following the rest of the lemmings over the proverbial cliff.
My dad and I were sitting in the dining area of the local Dairy Queen eating Blizzards on a dreary winter afternoon. We had run the gambit of usual conversation topics: school, orchestra, my plans for the weekend. Then, and I'm not quite sure how the discussion began, we started talking about popularity. I told him that I wanted to be popular, or at least accepted favorably by those who were. He looked at me and asked me why I felt that way. I shrugged my shoulders and looked back into my drink. I had never stopped to think about why I felt the need to fit in . . . I simply did. I had been told by my friends that I should want to be popular, and since I had always trusted them, I was inclined to believe them.
My father proceeded to tell me a story from his college days. His mother, my grandmother Lorraine, had made him several sweater vests to wear at school. These sweater vests were practical and comfortable, but hardly "in style." Nevertheless, they became a staple of my father's wardrobe. He didn't care that he wasn't sporting the latest fashion. In fact, he didn't care what everyone thought of him, either. I was shocked. What was even more surprising was that after a few weeks, other students at my dad's school began wearing sweater vests. By deviating from the norm, my father had started a trend. What he wore became fashionable because the other students saw the confidence with which he dressed.
This information was a lot for a thirteen-year-old girl to process, especially one who had been carefully taught about what was "cool" and what was most certainly not cool. I found it hard to believe that going against the grain could have benefits for me, so I continued to wear the same clothes, listen to the same music and go to the same places that my peers did. Surely my father was mistaken. This is also, of course, the stage in which children think they know infinitely more than their parents. I had not yet seen the light, and I continued on my quest for popularity. However, our conversation that bleak winter day replayed over and over in my mind.
As the days passed and I mulled it over, I realized that my father's words might have some validity after all. I began to evaluate my wardrobe to find which items I had bought because they were cool and which items I'd bought because I truly liked them. I also looked back at my actions, attempting to determine how many of them I performed to please the crowd and how many of them I performed because I actually enjoyed them. I found myself caring less and less what people thought about me. It was wonderfully liberating.
I have come a long way since middle school. It no longer bothers me that those who still feel compelled to follow the herd do not accept me as one of their own. I do not strive to dress in the latest fashions; if anything, I attempt to create my own. The conversation I had with my father about wearing sweater vests and feeling the need to fit in sparked in me the desire to deviate from the beaten path and form one of my own. I have learned a valuable lesson in the process: Swimming against the current can only make me stronger.

Reprinted by permission of Ester Sooter (c) 2003 from Chicken Soup for the Soul Real Deal: School by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen,. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved.

What struck me is that I see that this is continuing in the dating scene. It is shocking how many dates decline because "what are my friends going to say?”

When I ask who is your dating mentor, guess what, most answer, my friends! Now how truly objective are the friends?

I also got a thought for the day email, which reads, "If brains were taxed, most people would get a rebate.” Kind of sums up a Shadchun's feeling many times.

Afraid of love or just totally ignorant?

As a shadchun the buzz words "no chemistry" keeps coming up.

Amazingly to me, people actually are looking for "chemistry" from pictures.

hmmmmmm. ok . Maybe I'm just hungry.

: )

Three wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.



















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Creating Space for Love

True love requires accepting someone for who they are, without projecting our dreams and fantasies upon them.

A relationship of dominance does not express love. Judaism teaches that love is making a space within yourself for another and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they experience the power and miracle of true love.

So how does all this fit with the well known verse in the Torah stating that "He will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16). Is this not the very source and justification for man's dominance over woman? The answer is, "No, on the contrary." The Torah is telling us that this is a curse, not the norm, and not the ideal to strive for. We are responsible to nullify this curse, just as modern technology in agriculture is nullifying the curse of "cursed is the ground for your sake... thorns and thistles shall it bring forth to you... by the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread."

We see how the curse of male dominance was nullified in the loving relationships of all the Jewish Patriarchs and Matriarchs.

God tells Abraham: "All that Sarah has said to you, hearken to her voice" (Genesis 21:12). The Oral tradition teaches that this verse indicates that Sarah's prophetic sense was stronger than Abraham's. Rebecca too, could hardly be described as subordinate to her husband Isaac. It was Rebecca who courageously coaxed her son Jacob into disguising himself as his manipulative brother Esau and coming before blind Isaac to get the blessing. Rebecca had the insight to know that it was truly Jacob who deserved the blessings, and she needed to orchestrate this play in order to help Isaac realize the sad truth regarding Esau's manipulation.

We also find that when Jacob wanted to move out of his father-in-law's house, he needed to earnestly seek the agreement of his wives Rachel and Leah. He was not willing to implement a decision without their opinion and consent.

A student of mine, while she was dating, had an encounter with a fellow who took the curse of male dominance as an ideal standard for a relationship. On the first date, he asked her, "Do you like to cook?"

She said, "No, I hate it."

"Well," he said, "do you like to clean?"

"No!"

"What about laundry?"

"Absolutely not."

She saw that her answers were shocking him, so she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Is this a job interview?"

It was clear the guy wasn't looking for a wife, but for a housekeeper. Women tend to make the same mistake by asking about the man's money making status and how good are his chances for advancements.

So Who are We Looking For?

In the very opening sentences of the Torah we are told that the first human being was created in God's own image. And what was that image? The first human being was actually a man and a woman -- a single entity that included the two sexes. "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them" (Genesis 1:27).

In this union of male and female, in this oneness of opposites, the first human being reflected the image of God -- a oneness that includes otherness and yet remains one.

This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of God; an individual in unity with another individual does. So until an individual makes a space to include another, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of God.

The Torah records that after the human being was created, God said: "It is not good for man to be alone."

God determines that the human being needs "a helper," but it is a while before Eve is created. Instead, all the birds and animals are created and the human being is asked to name them. At the conclusion of which, the Torah tells us that he did not find a helpmate.

What does naming the creatures have to do with finding a helpmate?

The Midrash explains that God was playing matchmaker. God was fixing up the first human being with all the animals in the garden. And Adam was going out on dates. Well, imagine Adam standing there in the lobby of the Paradise Hotel. He is waiting anxiously and who walks in but... "That's a... that's an... elephant! Umm... this isn't going to work, God."

Poor Adam. He was surrounded by all these animals but he wasn't happy. Now why couldn't he be happy with an attractive giraffe or a cute little chicken? Because an animal is subordinate to man; it's not his equal. In fact, Adam was commanded to "have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth" (Genesis 1:28). Adam cannot overcome his loneliness and find true love with a subordinate being over whom he rules.

The Torah is very clear in describing an appropriate spouse. God said, "I will make a fitting helper who is kenegdo" -- against him, opposite and parallel to him. In other words, God will create for him someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him and engage him on parallel ground.

An animal may be a great help to man in doing his work, but an animal cannot be the "significant other." You will not be ultimately satisfied in the quest for love unless it is with someone you acknowledge is your equal, and whose difference you respect.

Dating Realities

That's not to say that some insecure men would prefer not to be challenged. I have heard guys advise each other: "Get yourself a young girl, one you can mold." And yes, a man might find someone young and vulnerable and try to make this woman fit his ridiculous fantasy of a wife who considers him the lord and master. But he will only make his life harder as a result. He will have a very lonely existence, and he will sorely miss the engagement that a "helpmate kenegdo" would have provided, an engagement that is essential in the process of spiritual growth. All the sadder, because, in this way, he will deprive himself the opportunity of being the living manifestation of God expressed through the ability to love, making a space within himself to include a unique other.

In order to love, you need to withdraw yourself from the center and create a space for another in your life. Love starts only when you do that. In other words, if you are self-centered, you are not ready for love. If you are self-centered, you can't make enough space to nurture another. And true love is not only creating that space within your life for another, but also giving him or her that space and respecting and maintaining that space. It is being a part of another life and removed from that life at the same time.

Viva la Difference

Once we're able to withdraw ourselves from the center and create space for another, we must develop the keen sensitivity for just how uniquely different -- just how other -- our partners are. We tend to see what we have in common, and we tend to overlook the differences. When people say, "love is blind," this is what they mean.

But true love is not blind. True love is seeing -- seeing the differences, the otherness, the good and the bad. True love is seeing and still loving. In Hebrew, the verb "to see" is directly related to the verb "to respect." And that is what seeing with the eyes of true love means. True love requires that we see and accept and respect those we love for who they are, without projecting our dreams and fantasies upon them.

This is very hard, because we tend to want to fit those we love into our imaginary pictures of love. And if they don't quite fit, we want to alter them to fit.

But if we succeed in seeing not just what we have in common with those we love, but what makes us different, and if we appreciate and honor those differences, then we can take the next step toward giving of ourselves to that person. And simultaneously we must enable our partners to do the same for us, which means allowing them to make a space in their lives for us, allowing them to acknowledge our otherness, allowing them to give of themselves to us.

Excerpted from Rabbi Aaron's book, "Endless Light".


This article can also be read at: http://www.aish.com/dating/wisdom/Creating_Space_for_Love.asp

Why do husbands not want to come home?

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening
just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the
evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and
heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact,
three doctors are there already!"

------------------------------------
The cartoon above and the joke illustrate the reality of many marriages.

As the saying goes, "it takes two to tangle.”

There is no doubt that the blame, seeming always one sided especially to the parties themselves, is if looked upon honestly, and objectively, is truly on both.

What I find now, as a shadchun more than ever before, is that this "truth" is becoming a sizeable chunk of the reason why the dating scene is so frustrating.

People are seeking someone who will continue to grow, and most people will not.
People are realizing more than ever before that they will not change their spouses.
To sum it all up, after this picture emerges in many minds, despair and hopelessness sets.

Aside from the truly religious who marry mostly for procreation of the Jewish people and that is the prime and only reason, no matter what the cost, I, as a shadchun do not see where the rest of the Jewish people are going to get.

Hashem help and enlighten us all.

Looking for your soulmate ?

Love at First Math
by Martin M. Bodek

There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.

3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels, seraphim, aliens, creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends. That leaves 6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date!

Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you can pick from.

Of the 13,000,000 Jews available, 50% are not quite the gender you're looking for, that leaves 6,500,000.

Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate 2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.

There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians, and Young Israelites. Since no one should be dating outside of their category - lest they suffer from community gossip - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves 240,740 people.

4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds, transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent. 48,148 left over.

3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037 people.

2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50 miles away. That leaves 4,012 people.

Of those, half are waiting for love to find them, they can wait.

That leaves 2,006 people. 6 Jews are too cheap to pay the tolls. Of the 2,000 people left over, you will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them to you. 500 people are left over.

Let's assume that 500 is the maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever go out with; 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with; 50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told them not to go out with you; 50 you won't go out with because some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them; 40 are too reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli; 40 aren't Reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli ENOUGH, and 20 simply give your mother a "bad vibe." That leaves 200.

Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person will ever date. Of these 200, 4/10ths will reject you, and you'll never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason. That leaves 100.

Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude, 10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to, 10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered, 10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't approve of. That leaves 10.

Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with, 1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue. That leaves your bashert.

BEAUTY OR THE BEAST REVISITED - ON A LIGHTER NOTE!

( got this email )

Setting: Boy and friend on one side of stage

Girl and friend on other side of stage : both sit in front of computer screens in their homes.


Boys side of table
B :Hey Jared Dude- take a look at this girl's picture on JDating Website, dude she is a total babe!!
J: Like Dude, she is a beautiful baby- totally send her an email dude, and let's go hit the keg, at that Jewish frat party
B: Totally Dude, but what should I write her? I mean she's a total hottie.
J: Dude - just say - wasssup baby how about you and I take a ride on the Jewish car of love.
B: Dude you're a genius: Dear (looks closer) "Fraydie613,"
J: Fraydie?
B: Yeah dude. Dear Fraydie613, you are certainly the sweetest thing on the internet. Do you want to take a ride in my jewish love car, there is nothing to be afraid of. (both laugh) heheheh


Girls side of table
F: Shani Shani! come quick, Boruch Hashem, I finally received an electronic message from that dating website your aunt put my picture on, I am so excitedI may just have to put on my shabbos suit and finish all of tehillim.
S: OH fraiyde - I am so happy for you! Perhaps, bezras Hashem this could perhaps be your.....
Bashert
F: Shani!
S: Whoopsy, Knanine Hurah!
F: Thats more like it Shani.
S: So, nu, what did this shtark boy have to say?
F: Well, he first called me very sweet, and asked me for a date, in his car! He said there was nothing to be afraid of. Such a Yiras Shamayim!!
S: He is perfect!
F: Wait till you see his picture. here, isn't he cute?
S: Oy veh! (she turns away) he is not wearing a shirt! Where are his tztizis? And no kippah!
F: Hello! Earth to Shani â?" isn't it obvious?
S: No.
F: it is a picture from the mikvah!! He's obviously very frum.
S: Fraydie - you are so right - dan l'kaf zechus.
F: (typing) Dear Brian, I certainly think you are sweet too and I would love to take a ride with you in your fancy car
S: Maybe you should ask him how frum he is?
F: Oh, You are right Shani (typing). Also do you want your wife to wear pants? Cause I do not wear pants. Let me know. Toodles. Fraydie


Back to Guys Side
B: Dude -
J: Yeah dude
B: Fraydie wrote back. I am the luckiest man alive!
J: Why Dude?
B: Read this, she doesn't wear pants! Dude
J: Huh?
B: Nothing Dude! She's a free spirit. Probably walks around without pants everywhere!
J: You are the Luckiest dude alive
B: (typing) Dear Fraydie, I'd like to meet you...As Soon As Humanly Possible. I've always dreamed of meeting a girl who doesn't wear pants. I give you credit â?" that's very bold of you. What other items of clothing do you not wear? Do you get cold? Where does someone like you like to go on dates? -Brian
F: Dear Brian. I will never wear a short skirt, and I can't stand tank tops or anything that is too tight. In my opinion, it is all disgusting. Where should we go? I feel a hotel lobby is always quickest and easiest -Fraydie
B: DUDE!
J: DUDE!
B: She wants me to take her straight to a hotel!
J DUDE!
B: This Internet dating website is amazing!
J: Ask her if she has a favorite hotel, you know.
B: ok: (types) Which Hotel?-----
F: My Rebbi and my father always tell me to go to the Marriot. It's the most public of the hotels, that way people can see us, watch us. And we'll have no problem of it being just us, you know, and no problem of yichud.
B: DUDE
J: DUDE
B: This is getting weird. Her dad and Rabbi told her what hotel to use! And she's not interested in it just being alone - this girl maybe too much for me to handle! And she mentioned someone named Yichud? Who is that?
J: Dude, I have no idea, but I like what I'm hearing...
B: Dude, maybe she doesn't wear pants either!
J: DUDE!
B: (typing) Dear Fraydie - the Marriot sounds good to me - and as far as I'm concerned, I like the sound of Yichud already! I'll make sure to bring my friend along. - Brian
F: Dear Brian, this is really sounding great. It's nice to know you are so frum that you would like to bring a friend along to not have a problem with yichud. You are very sweet and very frum, and I feel we already are connecting in ways I can only dream about. Let's go out tonight if possible. The more I think about it the more I feel - this really could be Bashert!!!
B: Dear Fraydie, I'm totally excited for this! In fact, a dude like myself has spent years dreaming of a night like this. Who knew Internet Dating could be so amazing. Send me your address asap and I'll be at your place with my friend Jared tonite at 8pm. So, no problem with Yichud. We'll head straight to the Marriot. My treat. No pants would be fantastic. This is really gonna be amazing. I can really feel it.
Oh, and one last thing .......
....... Who is Bashert, and does she need a date too?

Dating Insurance ?

Anyone got any ideas for dating insurance?

Actually as horrible as the dating scene is, the marriage scene is where one should rather seek insurance.

So what is marriage insurance? Any ideas?

Staying single happily ever after?

Why does it seem that people think that the reason to marry is once you are married, "you live happily ever after"? Moreover, since, nowadays, they cannot see that happening; they are not interested and would rather stay “single happily ever after”?

It seems the commercial world, and/or parents protecting their children from society, have produced a real fantasy world. High and unreal expectations are a minimum and a must.

Everyone is "complaining"!! You read it in the Jewish newspapers, magazines, blogs and, you name it.

The fault and blame are being thrown on the system, the parents, the shadchunim, and even on the boys and girls themselves.

Some are saying the boys are on drugs, the girls are anorexic or fat, and therefore there is fear on both sides of the aisle. Other reasons include, the boys and girls are either too frum or the opposite. There are endless reasons.

What about the good old reason of bringing up a Jewish generation and being good fathers and mothers?

We have come to believe that we can now have both worlds. Personally, I think one can have that if they realize the true earthly world and they have no expectations. However, if we take this world and paint it truly false, of course, the divorce rate will keep going up.

So who is really losing?

To be six again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again." She replied, still looking in the mirror..

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was to ride, she rode.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach was turned upside-down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie where she sipped a soda pop and munched happily on popcorn and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed, as she said, "I meant my dress size, you dumb-***!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is probably going to get it wrong.

Wine , Men and Women

Woman's quote:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's counter quote:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Men still don't get it?

Here is an old classic email story that I keep getting.


After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Who is the Boss in a marriage?

Another way the question is phrased and asked is, "who wears the pants?

Once upon a time, (and mostly still today,) men and/or women wore the pants. The "marriage" continued so until "death do us part".

There seems to be a significant "trend" today where if there is not a true partnership and one issues an ultimatum, the other just walks. Therefore the upward rate of divorce and the upward rate of single hood.

Man and women are not willing to be in a dictatorship relationship of marriage.

So, what is the Jewish way of marriage?

Contrary to what many who were "educated" either by the "system", parents and/or friends, Jewish marriage is a continuation of whatever was before marriage.

Before marriage, there are the Mitzvohs of loving your fellow Jew, no hating, no slandering, no loshen hora, no berating, etc. etc. . Nowhere is it mentioned that once one does the Mitzvah of marriage that all the other Mitzvahs between fellow Jews are dismissed. If anything, that is when it is most applicable. That is when it is truly is tested. That is when one sees what they are made of.

The fact that the commercial world has manifested the "ME" society has not helped either.

What is the answer?

True Torah education and/or knowledge, communication, and a "WE" society, most probably would be a good beginning.

Hashem yaazor

Three New Polls

I added 3 new polls.

Please make sure to vote and check the enlightening results!

: )

The Scar

The Scar By Joanna Slan

His thumb softly rubbed the twisted flesh on my cheek. The plastic surgeon, a good fifteen years my senior, was a very attractive man. His masculinity and the intensity of his gaze seemed almost overpowering.
"Hmmm," he said quietly. "Are you a model?"
Is this a joke? Is he kidding? I asked myself, and I searched his handsome face for signs of mockery. No way would anyone ever confuse me with a fashion model. I was ugly. My mother casually referred to my sister as her pretty child. Anyone could see I was homely. After all, I had the scar to prove it.
The accident happened in fourth grade, when a neighbor boy picked up a hunk of concrete and heaved the mass through the side of my face. An emergency room doctor stitched together the shreds of skin, pulling cat-gut through the tattered outside of my face and then suturing the shards of flesh inside my mouth. For the rest of the year, a huge bandage from cheekbone to jaw covered the raised angry welt.
A few weeks after the accident, an eye exam revealed I was nearsighted. Above the ungainly bandage sat a big, thick pair of glasses. Around my head, a short fuzzy glob of curls stood out like mold growing on old bread. To save money, Mom had taken me to a beauty school where a student cut my hair. The overzealous girl hacked away cheerfully. Globs of hair piled up on the floor. By the time her instructor wandered over, the damage was done. A quick conference followed, and we were given a coupon for a free styling on our next visit.
"Well," sighed my father that evening, "you'll always be pretty to me," and he hesitated, "even if you aren't to the rest of the world."
Right. Thanks. As if I couldn't hear the taunts of the other kids at school. As if I couldn't see how different I looked from the little girls whom the teachers fawned over. As if I didn't occasionally catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. In a culture that values beauty, an ugly girl is an outcast. My looks caused me no end of pain. I sat in my room and sobbed every time my family watched a beauty pageant or a "talent" search show.
Eventually I decided that if I couldn't be pretty, I would at least be well-groomed. Over the course of years, I learned to style my hair, wear contact lenses and apply make-up. Watching what worked for other women, I learned to dress myself to best advantage. And now, I was engaged to be married. The scar, shrunken and faded with age, stood between me and a new life.
"Of course, I'm not a model," I replied with a small amount of indignation.
The plastic surgeon crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me appraisingly. "Then why are you concerned about this scar? If there is no professional reason to have it removed, what brought you here today?"
Suddenly he represented all the men I'd ever known. The eight boys who turned me down when I invited them to the girls-ask-boys dance. The sporadic dates I'd had in college. The parade of men who had ignored me since then. The man whose ring I wore on my left hand. My hand rose to my face. The scar confirmed it; I was ugly. The room swam before me as my eyes filled with tears.
The doctor pulled a rolling stool up next to me and sat down. His knees almost touched mine. His voice was low and soft.
"Let me tell you what I see. I see a beautiful woman. Not a perfect woman, but a beautiful woman. Lauren Hutton has a gap between her front teeth. Elizabeth Taylor has a tiny, tiny scar on her forehead," he almost whispered. Then he paused and handed me a mirror. "I think to myself how every remarkable woman has an imperfection, and I believe that imperfection makes her beauty more remarkable because it assures us she is human."
He pushed back the stool and stood up. "I won't touch it. Don't let anyone fool with your face. You are delightful just the way you are. Beauty really does come from within a woman. Believe me. It is my business to know."
Then he left.
I turned to the face in the mirror. He was right. Somehow over the years, that ugly child had become a beautiful woman. Since that day in his office, as a woman who makes her living speaking before hundreds of people, I have been told many times by people of both sexes that I am beautiful. And, I know I am.
When I changed how I saw myself, others were forced to change how they saw me. The doctor didn't remove the scar on my face; he removed the scar on my heart.

Reprinted by permission of Joanna Slan (c) 1998 from A Second Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Jennifer Read Hawthorne and Marci Shimoff. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved.

I have read many heart warming stories and every once in a while there is one that comes along that is a "gem" .

This doctor was a gem of a human being. I wish I could meet him one day.

This is a story of which both men and women can benefit.

Hashem bless us all with true wisdom

My hope is

Don't marry a religious soldier?

The Internet site of the Arutz Sheva right-wing radio station announced a new trend Monday: Religious soldiers who participated in the evacuation are considered to have impaired their chances for a good match. A number of young women and their mothers said they would not consider marrying someone who had taken part in the operation.


Wow. I have not yet recovered from the whole situation there, but this really put a "new" twist to the tough already dating scene.

Hashem yaazor

Do you think you got the whole picture?

One Flaw In Women

Got this email. I love this creativity out there.


By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

A woman's life - from a man's perspective

Got this email and it makes one wonder what are men really thinking out there?
----------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.






At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.








At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.








At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.









At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.






At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.







At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!








At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???










---------------------------------------------
Is this one of the reasons why marriages are failing? Is this one of the reasons divorce is up? Is this one of the reasons why fewer people one to get married?

To find a woman- Harvard Math

What are our true hopes?

Once upon a time, the "media" consisted of our parents, friends, and culture. The same “media” in turn influenced them.

Today the media is the world. The influence instead of being positive has done the opposite. Not only are our parents, friends, and culture not our "media" anymore, but even they have been "influenced" by the world media. All this adds up to what?

How and what will turn around the future of dating and marriage?

Perfectionism

Got this in my email.

A COUPLE I KNOW were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

All Thing Grow . . . with Love

All Thing Grow . . . with Love
By Joan Bramsch

I once taught in a small private school located within the charming confines of a three-story stone mansion. Each morning at nine o'clock all the students gathered in the Great Room for a metaphysical warm-up in preparation for the day. Fifty-three children, ranging in age from three to seven years, sat on child-sized colorful chairs or in sun-flooded patterns on the thick carpet. Each bright face was illuminated by positive thoughts and feelings as he or she eagerly anticipated the morning's songs, meditations and exploration into yet another metaphysical cranny of the mind.
One morning the headmistress made an announcement to all the children gathered. "Today we begin a great experiment of the mind, of your mind." She held up two small ivy plants, each potted in an identical container. "Here we have two plants," she continued. "Do they look the same?"
All the children nodded solemnly. So did I, for, in this way, I was also a child.
"We will give the plants the same amount of light, the same amount of water, but not the same amount of attention," she said. "Together we are going to see what will happen when we put one plant out in the kitchen, on the counter, away from our attention, and the other plant right here in this room on the mantel."
She placed one plant on the white wooden ledge, then led the children en masse to the kitchen where she sat the other plant on the white counter. Afterward she led the parade of wide-eyed youngsters back to their places in the Great Room.
"Each day for the next month, we shall sing to our plant on the mantel," she said. "We will tell it with words how much we love it, how beautiful it is. We will use our good minds to think good thoughts about this plant."
One of the smallest children jumped to her feet. "But, Ma'am, what about the plant out there?" She pointed a stubby finger toward the kitchen.
The headmistress smiled at all her charges. "We will use the kitchen plant as the 'control' in our great experiment. How do you think that will work?"
"We won't speak to it?"
"Not even a whisper."
"We won't send it good thoughts?"
"That's right. And then we'll see what happens."
Four weeks later my novice eyes were as wide and disbelieving as the children's. The kitchen plant was leggy and sick-looking, and it hadn't grown at all. But the Great Room plant, which had been sung to and swaddled in positive thoughts and words, had increased threefold in size with dark succulent leaves that fairly vibrated with energy when addressed with song, word or thought.
In order to prove the experiment - and also to dry the tears of the tender-hearted among us who feared for the life of the other plant - the kitchen ivy was rescued from its solitary confinement and brought to the Great Room to join the other ivy on the mantel, but at the opposite end.
Within three weeks, the second plant had caught up with the first ivy. Within four weeks, they could not be recognized, one from the other.
I took this lesson to heart and made it my own:
All things grow . . . with love.

Reprinted by permission of Joan Bramsch (c) 1980 from Chicken Soup for the Teacher's Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved