The last time

What relationship?

What did you bring me?

Just a friend?

This is the news in the dating scene.

No one really wants to get married and tied down. It's the era of "let's be friends". Which basically means I am shopping and will see if there is more fun out there.

OUCH !!!!!!!!

Married men live longer?

Who talks more?

Who talks more, men or women? See this latest info.

IMHO, a study should be made who communicates better.

: )

men are simple to understand

"You're lucky, mine's still alive." ???

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

To Be Happy In Marriage, Baby Carriage Not Required ??

To Be Happy In Marriage, Baby Carriage Not Required
By Donna St. George
Washington Post Staff WriterSunday, July 1, 2007; Page A01

Totally Useless Information:

1. Coca-cola was originally green.

2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.

4. Dumbest dog: Afghan

5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2

8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%

16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%

19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%

20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC

21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%

23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%

24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%

25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105

26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%

29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3

32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7

33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%

34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%

35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%

36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.

38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon

40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"

42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

43. Only food that does not spoil: honey

44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)

45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig

48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

51. Polar bears are left-handed.

52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

53. Eskimos never gamble.

54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.

60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.

61. Hot water is heavier than cold.

62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.

64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.

65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.

66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.

67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."

68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

71. Men get hiccups more often than women.

72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

Can humans be trained to communicate?

Can humans be trained to communicate?

Or will they stay clueless and gutless forever?

IMHO , it's obvious that those who have an agenda, most of them will never get it.

Dating a real doctor?

Terrorism, Bikinis and Dressy Shoes

Lost. Get Lost

Happy aniversary ?????? !!!!!!!!! ??????

I guess men don't have a clue

The secret to getting along with women

A reason to go to a movie

Can't see me anymore?

Man asked G-d: why did you make woman so beautiful?

Man asked G-d: why did you make woman so beautiful?

G-d 2 man: So that U will love them.

M 2 G: but Y did U make them so dumb?

G 2 M: So that they'll love you

Who wears the pants?

Let him win one?

Thin or rich guys?

Like a beer ?

Diamonds Are a Girl's Worst Friend?

Diamonds Are a Girl's Worst Friend
The trouble with engagement rings.
By Meghan O'Rourke

Explaining marketing concepts to Students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Famous Profound Wisdom

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

and my personal favorite
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

Why are we dating/gettting married?

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

Two middle aged men in chavrusah..........

Two middle aged men in chavrusah were out at the Bais Medrash learning. Things got a little quiet for a moment while Shmiel was looking into a Rashi when Moishe looked up at Shmiel and says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Shmiel continues looking into the Gemara, then thoughtfully whispers to Moishe, "You better think it over for a little bit. Women like that are very hard to find."

Custody of the children?

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody
of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby 's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. __________________________________________________

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________


At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________

GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!

Are we getting the correct &/or objective true advice?

This question is a particular disturbing one in the shidduchim and matrimonial world.

Advice seems to be coming from everywhere. Parents, teachers, friends, "Professionals", and of course last but not least, the media.

Boys want real hot chicks. Girls want learning boys only. It seems as if the advice is for the boys to be girls and girls to be boys.

Eventually true marriage will be, boys to boys and girls to girls.

Let the true wars begin.

There's something you are not telling me?

When to bring flowers?

Getting to know the family?

Benefits of taking out the garbage

How many.......

How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what
seminary she went to.
**********
How many BYA girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and the rest to take pictures.
***********
How many Hadar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, the rest to say Tehillim.
************
How many Bnos Chava girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician - no one wants to get her hands dirty.
***********
How many BJJ girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they have Emunah that it will fix itself.
***********
How many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they don't realize that the light went out; the light of Torah
keeps them going.
*************
How many BY Intensive girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - -they're too busy changing diapers instead.
*************
How many Briskers does it take to change a light bulb?
That was a trick question. Briskers don't have electricity.
**************
How many Lakewooders does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they try to change the world instead.
**************
How many Chofetz Chaim boys does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw it in, and the rest to run to the Rosh Yeshivah to make sure
its okay.
**************
How many BYDM teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to realize that only he can change himself, one
step at a time.
***************
How many BYDM girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None. When the light bulb breaks, they just sit down and have a kumzits.
*************
How many Seminar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to fix it, and the rest to make up songs and call their friends up
and tell them about their latest sem scare.
***************
How many seminary rejects does it take to change a light bulb?
There is no light for seminary rejects.

once upon a time shachun?

A shadchan (matchmaker) goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."

The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

The shadchan responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."

"Well, in that case..."

Next, the shadchan approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."

"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."

"Ah, in that case..."

Finally, the shadchan goes to see the president of the World Bank.

"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."

"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case...."

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb xxx!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

the ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." And once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket, placing it onthe table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning out the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Don't believe everything you read?

What's puberty?

The no pressure date

Marketing from a woman's perspective

In case you were wondering what marketing is all about...

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.

Looking your best

What Men Are Really Saying:

"I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me."

The Wedding Test:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

Horrible four-letter words ?

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home. Please Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. Come get me, please."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Young and in love?

Tough to shop for?

The beginning of the war of the sexes?

So who really has the harder "job" ?

Way too needy?

Wine , bread and Thou

Not tonight , dear ?

Not Tonight, Dear

Joan Sewell talks about her new book, I'd Rather Eat Chocolate, and the politically incorrect reality that most married women just aren't that into sex

A coupon?

It's all about perspective... ?

Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbor. "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock every single morning! My poor son, who wakes up at the crack of dawn has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made my son get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, he has to make dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"

The neighbor sighs and asks, "Nu... and how is your daughter?"

"Oh, now my daughter has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists she pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning and he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard. He even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!"

Are men afraid of women?

Are men afraid of women?

If yes, did it begin by being afraid of their mothers when they were young?

Did it begin by seeing their fathers afraid of their mothers?

Did I Lose It ??

Super Bowl tickets

A man had box seat tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks him if anyone is sittng in the seat next to him.

"No," the man replies.

"That's incredible", the man comments, "who in their right mind would have a great seat like this for the Super Bowl, and not use it?"

The first man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married almost 50 years ago."

"Oh,.. I'm sorry, to hear that," the man stammered, That's terrible, but couldn't you find someone, perhaps one of your children, or a close friend to join you?

"No", the man replies sadly, "they're all at the funeral."

A law against bigamy?

Men Are Just Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000 Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Marriage counseling southern style

Two guys from Hawkinsville are quietly sitting in a boat at a pond in Pulaski County, Georgia fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over , women like that are hard to find."

$50,000 funeral

Chaim died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed, his wife, Sarah, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Chaim would be pleased," she said.

I'm sure you're right," replied Rachel, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" Rachel exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $50,000 ?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul. The shiva food and drinks are another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy VEH, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats".

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? .......What do you see?
What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .......with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice ....the things that you do.
And forever is losing .............. a sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ....... the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am ....... as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .....as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .......who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen ...........with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. ..........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty .........my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ....... and a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ........ my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ......... with ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ........have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me........to see ! I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .......... babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ......... my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .......... my wife is now dead.
I look at the future ............I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing ........young of their own.
And I think of the years...... and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ...... a young guy still dwells,
And now and again ........my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys.............. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.

I think of the years ....all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ..........open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day, be there, too!

Have we met?

Dating men in uniform?

Knowing where you stand with your date

How to break up with your date ?

A "little" emotional ?

Women's Dictionary

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.

A Golden Heart, by Chaim Walder

Our wedding took place twenty years ago. The families of both of us did their utmost for our sakes. Each side gave what it could. We had a lovely wedding and our parents bought us a nice apartment. Life for us was a bed of roses.

Two weeks before the wedding, my chosson took me to his grandmother's -- a visit, he explained, was a tradition in the family.

As we sat on her porch, she handed me a beautifully wrapped box which contained a huge diamond ring. I didn't have to be a diamond expert in order to realize that this ring was very expensive.

Everyone gasped, while Bubby Chava simply said: "This is my gift to you."

I soon learned that Bubby Chava gives each new kallah in the family a very expensive piece of jewelry so that the kallah will always remember her.

Actually, Bubby Chava was so sweet and darling that no one could forget her. But a custom is a custom, and who was I to dispute its significance, especially when the ring cost $5000?

Yes, that is what it cost. How do I know? You'll soon find out.

My father thought that it was unspeakable to go outside wearing such a ring when so many children in the country are starving. But he would have reacted the same way about a $200 ring, so that I really didn't take this to heart. Actually I also felt guilty about wearing such a ring. (In addition to the guilt pangs, the ring made me miserable in other ways too. But only a woman can understand that.)

It sounds petty to say this, but the ring was a bit big on me. Every woman knows how nerve wracking it is when a ring is too wide and there's space between the ring and her finger. It drives you bats, like a mouth sore, and you walk around all day feeling your finger to see if the ring's still there.

And that's precisely what I did the entire wedding.

I spent the entire night worrying about the ring and making sure that it hadn't fallen off. But because I also had a wedding ring, I had two rings to toy with for the same price -- actually not for the same price.

The wedding passed. The sheva brochos week was fantastic. Both families came for the entire Shabbos, and the Shabbos meals, with their zemiros and droshos were great.

Since we live in Netanya, after the morning meal we took a stroll on the boardwalk.

Seuda shlishis lasted until after dark. Then my new husband made havdoloh and, as is customary in our families, everyone threw pillows at him.

Shortly after havdoloh, my new shvigger asked: "Where's the ring?"

I looked at my finger and, to my dismay, I didn't see any ring.

I turned pale.

A mini-commotion erupted and my husband said: "I'll take a look in our room. Maybe you forgot it there."

I was very tense and began to bite my fingernails. Something in my heart told me that he might not find it. After all, the ring was a bit too large for me and I hadn't fingered it for quite a while.

Then the dreaded moment arrived. My husband returned from the room in which we had stayed and said, "I can't find it."

"Did you look in the closet?" I asked.

"Yes."

"In the drawers?"

"Yes."

To make a long story short, he had looked everywhere but hadn't found it.

At that point, there wasn't a soul in the family who didn't know that I had lost a $5000 ring, except for Bubby Chava who had gone home directly after havdoloh. (Now you know how I knew its price. When things are lost, you find out how much they are worth very quickly. This is true not only with respect to jewelry, but also with respect to people.)

My shvigger went up to my room with a number of nice aunts and, believe it or not, they began taking out every item in our suitcases, which davka looked messier than usual. Quite soon I grasped that there were other things which interested them besides the ring.

After a search which took more than an hour, my aunts began to suggest where it might be. When I finally dared to hint that it was a bit big on me, one of them remonstrated: "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"I did!!" I replied.

Then the tension began to mount, without hope of its subsiding so quickly. When we tried to recall where we had been that day, we concluded that ring had fallen off on the beach. But to search for it there was futile because, although the ring was big, Netanaya's beach is bigger.

It's hard to pinpoint the precise moment that the seeds of resentment began to sprout. But I recall that when we went downstairs to the car, everyone looked a bit sour. No one tried to console me or to say that I wasn't to blame. And I understood them. It really was an expensive ring, and they should be commended for not having shouted: "Dunce, are you a baby who loses things?" But even if they didn't yell, their facial expressions said it all.

My husband and I returned home crestfallen. Trying to joke, my husband said: "Great. Now the ceiling price for my losing things is $5000." He paid dearly for that joke, because I didn't see it as an attempt to dispel the tension but rather as an attempt to needle me. And so I let out all the anger I felt against myself, on him.

He apologized and apologized, but to no avail. I was very hurt by both the loss of the ring and the accusations hurled against me.

My husband behaved like a tzaddik. He consoled me and explained: "You're not to blame. The person who insisted that you wear the ring even though it was too big is at fault." But he basically blamed himself. He was so sympathetic too, that by the end of the evening I concluded that if this had been a nisoyon, he had passed it with flying colors.

Okay. He passed the test. But his family didn't.

Every time we visited his family, the incident of the ring hovered in the air. Their sarcastic questions about how I felt about the loss made me squirm. The cutting remark that Bubby, who probably realized what had happened and was suffering in silence, made my life intolerable. I don't blame them, but apparently when one loses an item worth more than a hundred shekel he pays a price which far exceeds that of the lost item.

Along with the ring, I lost my new family's love and esteem. I felt disliked and loathsome. After all how can one like a person who thoughtlessly discards a $5000 ring. What is she, a baby? Couldn't she have been a bit more careful? The ring wasn't that heavy!

Generally, these feelings weren't stated outright, but were only hinted at. Yet strangely, whenever I tried to explain myself, the criticism against me increased. At first they would cluck there teeth: Too bad it happened. It's so annoying. Then the inevitable, "Pray tell, if the ring was so big on you, why did you wear it?" would ensue.

The beginning of my marriage was very gloomy. I felt that I could never regain my former esteem. The loss of the $5000 ring seemed to brand me as irresponsible and unreliable, as well as a pain-in-the-neck.

The situation reached a peak when we bought an expensive vase and one of my brothers-in-law told my husband: "You'd better carry it, you know." He said that in front of everyone. Well, all I can say is that I exploded and screamed that I wouldn't set foot in that house again, and that they were spilling my blood.

Then the fighting period, during which my poor husband tried to bring about a reconciliation between them and me, began. He didn't actually include me in these efforts, but I understood that he had argued with his brothers, telling them that if they continued to pick on me, he would sever all ties with the family. Actually, we did sever the ties for about a week-and-a- half. But Bubby Chava intervened, and in that manner confirmed that she indeed knew the entire story.

Then came the appeasement, which was very unpleasant. My shvigger apologized and explained that of all her daughters-in-law, she loved me best. I in turn made a number of gooey statements such as: "I always felt that you loved me."

But the whole affair had tired me out. Peace supposedly prevailed but it was a chilly peace. I felt crushed and sensed that they would never love me and never appreciate me, and would surely never entrust me with an item worth more than fifty shekels.

The turnabout came four months later. We had gotten married two days after Shavuos. At the wedding and during sheva brochos week, my husband wore a frock. He also wears one on yomim tovim.

It was nearly Rosh Hashonoh. My husband took his frock out of the closet, put it on, and asked me if it still fit, or whether he had gained weight. I told him that he looked pretty thin.

Suddenly he thrust his hand into the pocket of his frock -- and what do you think he fished out? My ring, of course.

We stared at the ring for a number of moments without saying a word. Then he said: "I'm in a state of shock. Apparently I placed the ring in my frock."

We sat opposite each other for a while, and then I burst into tears, releasing all of my pent-up emotions. He called his mother immediately and told her that he had found the ring. Shortly afterwards, everyone came over: his parents and his brothers, who examined the ring, and then Bubby and Zeidy who were overjoyed that the ring had been found. All
heaved sighs of relief and asked me to forgive them for the pain they had caused me.

Then all wondered why, in the first place, they hadn't thought that it was in the pocket of my husband, who was known to be forgetful and unreliable. My husband was a bit offended but the excitement over having found the ring braced him. I guess insults flung at you when a $5000 ring is in the palm of your hand aren't as devastating as those flung when you aren't holding such a condolence prize.

From then on, I was the family's queen. All realized that they had erred and that I was a responsible person who never loses a thing. Poor lady. But what can she do if she was destined to marry a scatterbrain who happens to be our son/brother? It was so kind of her to have agreed to marry such a fellow."

I was in seventh heaven. Suddenly tons of love and attention landed on my head. Even though my husband was slightly offended by the insults, he was still glad for me. In addition, he gained a happy wife, peace of mind and everlasting shalom bayis.

But the story doesn't end here.

*

From that day on, I bore my husband a slight grudge for having caused me so much anguish during the first few months of my marriage. Funny, but during the early months when everyone thought that I was to blame for the loss of the ring, he never used the incident as ammunition against me, and never needled me about it. But once the ring was found and he was considered the irresponsible one, I would use that point as a springboard to needle him whenever I could.

If we had money, I would tell him that I preferred to hold onto it myself, lest he lose it. When a package or a document had to be delivered, I would say: "Let someone else take it, so that it won't get lost in the sandbox." Soon the phrase "in the sandbox" became an idiom I would use in order to hint that he was unreliable.

Many people take advantage of the foibles of those dearest to them in order to ridicule them. This is a form of hono'as devorim which is forbidden. But that is precisely what I did.

My husband suffered in silence and didn't complain. There were times when I saw his pained _expression when I spoke that way and I would feel sorry and placate him. But beyond the pained _expression, he never complained.

Actually, we were very happy and our life proceeded smoothly. We had seven adorable children who loved their parents. They too knew the story about the ring which all thought that Ima had lost on the beach and which absentminded Abba had actually forgotten in his frock. Who told them? You guessed it. Little old me!

Fifteen years passed.

I still wore the ring to important simchas and received many compliments for it. One day, though, I decided to exchange the ring for some other pieces of jewelry, in order to surprise my husband. I asked my shvigger where Bubby Chava bought her jewelry and she replied: "At Yankel Cohen's. He's a fine jeweler."

One afternoon, I went to Mr. Cohen's store and showed him the ring. "My husband's grandmother bought this here," I told him "and I want you to evaluate it for me."

"Wow," he shrieked after examining it. "It's gorgeous, and is worth a lot of money -- more than $6000. I don't mind exchanging it for whatever you want. But I just want you to know that she didn't buy it here."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked in surprise. Then I told him her name and said that she always buys her jewelry from him.

"True," he replied. "She always buys her jewelry here. But I never sold such a ring in my life. Apparently she bought it somewhere else."

I thought a bit and then figured that since the ring might be worth more than $6000, I should really check with my husband before exchanging it.

When I came home, I rummaged through my jewelry box for the ring's receipt. When I found it, I learned that it really hadn't been bought in Mr. Cohen's jewelry store, but at a very exclusive and famous jeweler in town. It had indeed cost $5000, and its price had apparently risen over the years. But then an additional detail, which I might have ignored under normal conditions, caught my eye.

I waited until my husband returned home from kollel, my heart beating like a sledgehammer all along.

When he arrived, I told him that I had wanted to exchange the ring for some other pieces of jewelry, and that I had spoken with Mr. Cohen who said it was worth $6000.

"Great," my husband replied. "We made a thousand dollars."

"Yes, but Mr. Cohen said that Bubby bought the ring somewhere else," I demurred.

"Could be," he said.

"Do you mean to say that Bubby Chava might have bought my gift somewhere else?"

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"I'll tell you what's bothering me," I said as tears streamed down my cheeks. "For fifteen years I didn't realize what a good-hearted and wonderful husband you are -- one I don't deserve. You pulled that one over in the most amazing manner possible. I lost my ring, and you quietly took a loan and bought me a new one. No, don't try to hide it. You did that in the most elegant and polished manner possible. You found exactly the same ring for the same price. But you forgot one thing: to hide the purchase date."

Then I showed him the receipt with the purchase date -- the 14th of Elul.

"Maybe you've forgotten, but I still remember that we were married on the 9th of Sivan. Bubby Chava gave me the ring before the wedding, so that this ring was bought four months after I got the original one. The date gave you away," I protested -- and then burst into bitter tears.

It is difficult to describe the thoughts that raced through my mind at that time. Imagine that! A young man takes on a $5000 debt so that his family would believe that he is to blame for the loss of a ring, and not his wife. What a gift! I knew that I was the only woman in the world who had received such a present. I am not referring to the ring, but to the fifteen years during which the blame was shifted from me to him. Until today, I shudder when I recall how I kicked him in what I thought was his Achilles Heel, but which was really the area in which he so excelled.

That evening he told me what he had gone through in order to pay back that debt. He then explained that he couldn't have eliminated the resentment between me and his family, unless they thought that I wasn't to blame. "They're good people," he said. "But good people also have weaknesses. What could I do? That was their weakness."

It took him years to repay that debt, and I had made things worse for him by my digs. But even those digs reminded him of what he had gained: a happy wife, peace of mind and sholom bayis.

I am telling this story because I want to share the lesson I learned with everyone. The lesson is: never remind a person of his weakness, and surely don't make it the subject of your digs. But most important: clear your hearts of all resentment and preconceived notions, because even if you don't badger a person who erred, your anger at him will find ways to project itself.

Nothing is worth the anguish and pain we suffered over the loss of the ring. Gold and diamonds come and go, and sometimes even get lost in sandboxes. So be it, as long as human beings aren't hurt as a result.

Learn from my husband too. For fifteen years he agreed to be blamed for a blunder he hadn't committed, so that his wife would be happy. In that way he is like Rabbi Akiva who said: "A person should throw himself into a fiery furnace if only not to see the disgrace of his fellow."

This seems like a story about a diamond ring, but it is really a story about a golden heart.

What is a Lakewood bochour looking for in a girl?

Got this in a email. Is this the true attitude there?


A shadchen asked the 'best bochur in Lakewood' what he was looking for in a girl. After some thought, the bochur replied. "I was driving down the Garden State Parkway last week when I noticed what seemed to be a heimishe woman trying to change a flat tire. I felt bad that she was obviously by herself and made a u-turn, figuring I would check it out for sure by driving by slowly this time. Sure enough she was heimish and I helped her change the tire. After I was done and about to drop the spare in the trunk, she put her finger to her lips and whispered,

"Please don't slam the trunk. I don't want to wake up my husband - he's sleeping in the back seat..."

The bochur smiled at the shadchen and said, "That's what I'm looking for in a girl!"

Secret of a Long Jewish Marriage

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the synagogue's marriage marathon, the Rabbi asked Moishe to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. Moishe replied to the congregation, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The Rabbi inquired...trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands Moishe. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary? " Moishe replies: "I'm going back and get her.

Guts and Balls -The Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Escaping?

Give her the finger?

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at
least another 4000 cars.

That brings he number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females are seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide, or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.
(author unknown)

The Perfect Man

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed,"

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."