Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What's your choice?
A Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Monday, November 26, 2007
Scrabble
I have received this email:
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
Sunday, November 25, 2007
ISRAELI AMBASSADOR'S SPEECH
The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before
I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ..
"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.
When they reached the Promised Land, the people had became very thirsty and needed
water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts'
content.
"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dived into the cool waters.
When Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen.
'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"
The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"
"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."
I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ..
"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.
When they reached the Promised Land, the people had became very thirsty and needed
water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts'
content.
"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dived into the cool waters.
When Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen.
'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"
The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"
"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
MARRIAGE: DESTINY OR CHANCE
Who is the Ultimate Matchmaker? By Simon Jacobson
Is marriage predestined or dependent on your efforts?
On one hand, we hear of the idea that a person's spouse is bashert, meaning preordained by the guiding hand of G-d. But this belief raises many questions. Does everyone have a bashert? If yes, why is it so difficult to find one’s mate, and why do many never succeed? Is bashert an inevitable absolute, or are there exceptions? We also hear about the need to exert efforts (hishtadlut) in finding a soul mate: If a match is predetermined by Divine decree, to what extent a role does human effort and decision making play in the process?
Who is the ultimate matchmaker – G-d or man?
Marriage is a primary theme in the current Torah portions. First – Isaac’s marriage, described in elaborate detail, how Abraham sent his servant to find a bride for Isaac, concluding with Rebecca meeting and marrying Isaac. Then, last week’s portion, which closes with Isaac and Rebecca instructing Jacob to go search for his bride. And this week’s portion elaborates on Jacob’s journey, search and painstaking process of discovering his soul mate, and finally building his family in Charan.
From these episodes we derive many important lessons about love and marriage – relevant today more than ever.
One of the lessons discussions revolves around the nature of love and the mystery of matching couples.
In context of Jacob leaving Beersheba (the opening of this week’s portion) in order to find a wife – the Midrash states (1): “A person’s marriage partner originates from no one else but G-d,” and cites sources in all three section of Tanach. “Sometimes a man goes to his designated mate (as it was with Jacob); sometimes his designated mate comes to him (as it was with Isaac).”
The Midrash then continues (2):
Rabbi Yehudah bar Simon opened [with the verse] “G-d sets the solitary into a family” (3).
A Roman matron asked Rabbi Yosei bar Chalafta: “In how many days did G-d create His world?”
“In six days,” he replied.
“And what has He been doing ever since?” she asked.
“G-d sits and matches couples,” Rabbi Yosei told her.
“Is this G-d’s occupation?” she asked derisively, “I could do that too! I possess a great number of men servants and maid servants and would be able to pair all of them off in one hour!”
“You may think it is easy, but for G-d, it is as difficult as parting the Red Sea,” he said
After Rabbi Yosei left, the matron formed rows of her men servants and maid servants, a thousand in each row, and said to them, “This man shall marry this woman,” pairing them off as she walked down the line for the night.
But when they returned to work the next morning, one had an injured head, one was missing an eye and one had a broken foot.
“What is going on here?” the matron asked.
“I don’t want this one [for a partner],” they all said. She saying “I will not take him,” he saying “I will not take her.”
She sent for RabbiYosei and told him, “There is no G-d like your G-d. When you explained to me that G-d is busy making matches, you spoke wisely.”
The Talmud echoes this belief by stating that before a person is born G-d designates his and her mate: “A heavenly voice emerges and calls out ‘this woman to this man.’”
On the other hand, the Talmud states that “a man and woman are paired to each other based on their merits (4).
How do we reconcile these two positions: Is marriage designated by Divine decree or is it based on a person’s deeds and merits? Two answers are offered: One particular Talmud explains that the “first pairing” is by divine decree while the “second pairing” is based on a person’s merits (5). And this is why “their pairing is difficult like the parting of the sea,” because a match based on merits requires special effort to unite two people who were initially not naturally compatible (6). Another Talmud suggests a different answer: Though a natural match is initially made in heaven, human intervention – prayer – can override and change the Divine decree (even regarding the “first pairing”). Thus, “It is permitted to betroth a woman on Chol Hamoed because perhaps someone else will take her before him” due to his prayer’s overriding the divine decree (7).
However, these Talmudic statements require explanation. Indeed, opinions differ in the meaning of our Sages’ approach to the matchmaking process. Even the phrase “first pairing” and “second pairing” is subject to several interpretations: Does it mean first and second marriage, or as others argue, “first pairing” is the Divine pre-ordained match and “second pairing” is the one determined by merits.
Here is a summary of the various perspectives and opinions how much human intervention plays a role in match making, ranging from one extreme to the next. (8)
1) The Divine decree pre-designates who will marry whom. Human prayer and merit can only help expedite and ease the process (and another's prayer can delay it for a while). (9) When the time to marry arrives, the soul mates will meet without undue strain or difficulty.
2) Prayer can nullify the edict entirely, and the person will find a new soul mate (one that was not decreed before birth). (10)
3) Every one has the free will whether to marry or not, but once the choice is made to marry, the mate will be the one designated in heaven (through supplications for mercy, another person may marry her first, but their marriage will be temporary). (11)
4) The Heavenly voice is not a decree, but merely reflects the soulmates natural compatibility. Their inherent nature predisposes them – and makes it easier – to choose each other. But they do so out of free choice; they are guided by G-d to meet each other based on their merits, not by pre-ordained decree. (12)
5) All marriages are dependent on a person's deeds. The Divine voice refers to the power to unite matter and form, the soul and the body. (13)
6) According (14) to the writings of the AriZal (15), the first time a soul descends to the world, “a Heavenly voice emerges and decrees: “The daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so.” When the time for marriage arrives, the opportunity is immediately granted without strain or difficulty. [Until that time, it is possible that she will be the wife of another man, as was the case with Uriah and Batsheva (16)]. Sometimes, however, one does not merit and fails to marry his intended. [In that instance, another who does not have a mate designated for him may supersede him through his appeals for mercy (17)]. Nevertheless, he is granted a spouse appropriate to his deeds.
At times, the soul will undergo a transformation (from bad to good or the opposite) and will forfeit the intended mate and marry another spouse, for he is no longer the same soul. At times, the soul will reincarnate so that he can marry his intended. At times, he will reincarnate for other reasons, but because he possesses many merits, his intended is also made to reincarnate with him. Nevertheless, since he sinned and was forced to reincarnate, there are forces that oppose him and prevent him from bringing about that marriage. This is implied by the statement: “Bringing [marriage partners] together is as difficult as parting the Red Sea” (18).
If a person's intended does not reincarnate, he is coupled with a female reincarnated soul that also does not have a partner in this incarnation. Therefore it is very difficult to bring them together since they have a different nature (19). The woman must, however, be compatible with him at their source (20). There are some opinions which maintain that if the intended is not forced to reincarnate, the man takes a wife according to his efforts (21).
So, are matches made in heaven or on earth? The answer is both. Like everything in life, we are partners with G-d in creation. The Divine sends each soul off on its’ unique journey through life, and designates which soul belong with another. But we humans, through our choices and actions, can change the course for the better (and also, sadly, for the worse).
G-d created His world in six days. “And what has He been doing ever since? G-d sits and matches couples.” Couples both in the literal sense: creating partners in marriage, and also couples in the broader sense: creating fusion and unity in a pluralistic, fragmented, universe.
Today we do not need to be reminded how difficult it is to create and maintain healthy marriages. Some feel that it is even more difficult than parting the sea. Yet, we have in Jacob’s hard earned search for a spouse a formidable lesson in overcoming the challenge of building lasting relationships
History is the best teacher: Despite Jacob’s harsh challenges – laboring twenty years (!) for his corrupt and cruel uncle and father-in-law, Laban; “by day I was consumed by the scorching heat, and at night by the frost, when sleep was snatched from my eyes” (22) – Jacob succeeded in building the best family that ever existed: The twelve tribes which would give birth to the Jewish nation, and perpetuate the most noble civilization that would forever change history, till this very day!
Jacob’s journey, directed by G-d, to find his wife and build a family teaches, inspires and empowers each of us in our own journey to find our soul mate. As difficult as your search for a soulmate may be, know and know well that G-d’s primary involvement is in “making matches.” And just as He orchestrated and guided Jacob (and earlier, Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage) and the millions of marriages that followed – without which we would not exist today – G-d continues to busy Himself with making matches today.
But G-d’s efforts require our partnership. Through our virtue and prayer, by being better people, we engage G-d in the mysterious – and arduous – process of joining souls together, in one beautiful dance that ripples through the cosmos and transforms the world and all those around us.
--------
1) Bereishis Rabba 68:3.
2) 68:4. For an eloquent explanation of this Midrash – see Sefer HaLikkutim (Arizal) in this week’s portion.
3) Pslams 68:7.
4) Sotah 2a.
5) Sotah ibid. Sanhedrin 22a.
6) Rashi Sotah ibid. Sefer HaLikkutim ibid.
7) Moed Kattan 18b.
8) The following is adapted from the Rebbe’s letter 23 Shvat 5707 (Igros Kodesh vol. 2 pp. 193). Here is an English translation.
9) See Sefer Chassidim sec. 383.
10) Rashi's commentary to Rabbeinu Yitzchak Alfasi's gloss to Moed Katan ibid. This is evident from the fact that he does not explicitly state that the nullification is only temporary. This is also reflected by the statement of Tosafos, Sanhedrin 22a, who draw a parallel to prayer that has the power to transform a fetus from a male to a female. It is also apparent that this is the approach of the Tzemach Tzedek in his Chiddushim to the Talmud, Moed Katan.
11) Tashbetz, Vol. II, responsum 1.
12) Rambam, ch. 8, of his Shemoneh Perakim. See also his responsa, responsum 159.
13) Akeidah, Shaar 8 and Shaar 22.
14) Translated from the letter in the previous footnote.
15) A portion of them are cited by the Yaavetz in his gloss to Sotah 2a.
16) Zohar I, 73b.
17) Zohar I, 91b, 229a, quoted in Midrash Talpios, anaf zivug.
18) Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8 and Hakdamah 20; Sefer HaGilgulim, ch. 13; Likkutei Torah and Sefer HaLikkutim, Tehillim, ch. 48.
19) Sefer HaLikkutim in footnote 5. This is the meaning that “G-d sits and makes matches:” G-d “sitting” is a metaphor for the Divine “descent,” a “difficult” process, to create matches even amongst (initially) incompatible individuals, using the tools of nature, without disrupting the natural balance of existence.
20) Sefer HaGilgulim, loc. cit.
21) The gloss of B'nei Aharon to Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8, in the name of the elder Rabbis who cited the teaching in the name of the AriZal.
22) This week’s portion – Genesis 31:40.
Is marriage predestined or dependent on your efforts?
On one hand, we hear of the idea that a person's spouse is bashert, meaning preordained by the guiding hand of G-d. But this belief raises many questions. Does everyone have a bashert? If yes, why is it so difficult to find one’s mate, and why do many never succeed? Is bashert an inevitable absolute, or are there exceptions? We also hear about the need to exert efforts (hishtadlut) in finding a soul mate: If a match is predetermined by Divine decree, to what extent a role does human effort and decision making play in the process?
Who is the ultimate matchmaker – G-d or man?
Marriage is a primary theme in the current Torah portions. First – Isaac’s marriage, described in elaborate detail, how Abraham sent his servant to find a bride for Isaac, concluding with Rebecca meeting and marrying Isaac. Then, last week’s portion, which closes with Isaac and Rebecca instructing Jacob to go search for his bride. And this week’s portion elaborates on Jacob’s journey, search and painstaking process of discovering his soul mate, and finally building his family in Charan.
From these episodes we derive many important lessons about love and marriage – relevant today more than ever.
One of the lessons discussions revolves around the nature of love and the mystery of matching couples.
In context of Jacob leaving Beersheba (the opening of this week’s portion) in order to find a wife – the Midrash states (1): “A person’s marriage partner originates from no one else but G-d,” and cites sources in all three section of Tanach. “Sometimes a man goes to his designated mate (as it was with Jacob); sometimes his designated mate comes to him (as it was with Isaac).”
The Midrash then continues (2):
Rabbi Yehudah bar Simon opened [with the verse] “G-d sets the solitary into a family” (3).
A Roman matron asked Rabbi Yosei bar Chalafta: “In how many days did G-d create His world?”
“In six days,” he replied.
“And what has He been doing ever since?” she asked.
“G-d sits and matches couples,” Rabbi Yosei told her.
“Is this G-d’s occupation?” she asked derisively, “I could do that too! I possess a great number of men servants and maid servants and would be able to pair all of them off in one hour!”
“You may think it is easy, but for G-d, it is as difficult as parting the Red Sea,” he said
After Rabbi Yosei left, the matron formed rows of her men servants and maid servants, a thousand in each row, and said to them, “This man shall marry this woman,” pairing them off as she walked down the line for the night.
But when they returned to work the next morning, one had an injured head, one was missing an eye and one had a broken foot.
“What is going on here?” the matron asked.
“I don’t want this one [for a partner],” they all said. She saying “I will not take him,” he saying “I will not take her.”
She sent for RabbiYosei and told him, “There is no G-d like your G-d. When you explained to me that G-d is busy making matches, you spoke wisely.”
The Talmud echoes this belief by stating that before a person is born G-d designates his and her mate: “A heavenly voice emerges and calls out ‘this woman to this man.’”
On the other hand, the Talmud states that “a man and woman are paired to each other based on their merits (4).
How do we reconcile these two positions: Is marriage designated by Divine decree or is it based on a person’s deeds and merits? Two answers are offered: One particular Talmud explains that the “first pairing” is by divine decree while the “second pairing” is based on a person’s merits (5). And this is why “their pairing is difficult like the parting of the sea,” because a match based on merits requires special effort to unite two people who were initially not naturally compatible (6). Another Talmud suggests a different answer: Though a natural match is initially made in heaven, human intervention – prayer – can override and change the Divine decree (even regarding the “first pairing”). Thus, “It is permitted to betroth a woman on Chol Hamoed because perhaps someone else will take her before him” due to his prayer’s overriding the divine decree (7).
However, these Talmudic statements require explanation. Indeed, opinions differ in the meaning of our Sages’ approach to the matchmaking process. Even the phrase “first pairing” and “second pairing” is subject to several interpretations: Does it mean first and second marriage, or as others argue, “first pairing” is the Divine pre-ordained match and “second pairing” is the one determined by merits.
Here is a summary of the various perspectives and opinions how much human intervention plays a role in match making, ranging from one extreme to the next. (8)
1) The Divine decree pre-designates who will marry whom. Human prayer and merit can only help expedite and ease the process (and another's prayer can delay it for a while). (9) When the time to marry arrives, the soul mates will meet without undue strain or difficulty.
2) Prayer can nullify the edict entirely, and the person will find a new soul mate (one that was not decreed before birth). (10)
3) Every one has the free will whether to marry or not, but once the choice is made to marry, the mate will be the one designated in heaven (through supplications for mercy, another person may marry her first, but their marriage will be temporary). (11)
4) The Heavenly voice is not a decree, but merely reflects the soulmates natural compatibility. Their inherent nature predisposes them – and makes it easier – to choose each other. But they do so out of free choice; they are guided by G-d to meet each other based on their merits, not by pre-ordained decree. (12)
5) All marriages are dependent on a person's deeds. The Divine voice refers to the power to unite matter and form, the soul and the body. (13)
6) According (14) to the writings of the AriZal (15), the first time a soul descends to the world, “a Heavenly voice emerges and decrees: “The daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so.” When the time for marriage arrives, the opportunity is immediately granted without strain or difficulty. [Until that time, it is possible that she will be the wife of another man, as was the case with Uriah and Batsheva (16)]. Sometimes, however, one does not merit and fails to marry his intended. [In that instance, another who does not have a mate designated for him may supersede him through his appeals for mercy (17)]. Nevertheless, he is granted a spouse appropriate to his deeds.
At times, the soul will undergo a transformation (from bad to good or the opposite) and will forfeit the intended mate and marry another spouse, for he is no longer the same soul. At times, the soul will reincarnate so that he can marry his intended. At times, he will reincarnate for other reasons, but because he possesses many merits, his intended is also made to reincarnate with him. Nevertheless, since he sinned and was forced to reincarnate, there are forces that oppose him and prevent him from bringing about that marriage. This is implied by the statement: “Bringing [marriage partners] together is as difficult as parting the Red Sea” (18).
If a person's intended does not reincarnate, he is coupled with a female reincarnated soul that also does not have a partner in this incarnation. Therefore it is very difficult to bring them together since they have a different nature (19). The woman must, however, be compatible with him at their source (20). There are some opinions which maintain that if the intended is not forced to reincarnate, the man takes a wife according to his efforts (21).
So, are matches made in heaven or on earth? The answer is both. Like everything in life, we are partners with G-d in creation. The Divine sends each soul off on its’ unique journey through life, and designates which soul belong with another. But we humans, through our choices and actions, can change the course for the better (and also, sadly, for the worse).
G-d created His world in six days. “And what has He been doing ever since? G-d sits and matches couples.” Couples both in the literal sense: creating partners in marriage, and also couples in the broader sense: creating fusion and unity in a pluralistic, fragmented, universe.
Today we do not need to be reminded how difficult it is to create and maintain healthy marriages. Some feel that it is even more difficult than parting the sea. Yet, we have in Jacob’s hard earned search for a spouse a formidable lesson in overcoming the challenge of building lasting relationships
History is the best teacher: Despite Jacob’s harsh challenges – laboring twenty years (!) for his corrupt and cruel uncle and father-in-law, Laban; “by day I was consumed by the scorching heat, and at night by the frost, when sleep was snatched from my eyes” (22) – Jacob succeeded in building the best family that ever existed: The twelve tribes which would give birth to the Jewish nation, and perpetuate the most noble civilization that would forever change history, till this very day!
Jacob’s journey, directed by G-d, to find his wife and build a family teaches, inspires and empowers each of us in our own journey to find our soul mate. As difficult as your search for a soulmate may be, know and know well that G-d’s primary involvement is in “making matches.” And just as He orchestrated and guided Jacob (and earlier, Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage) and the millions of marriages that followed – without which we would not exist today – G-d continues to busy Himself with making matches today.
But G-d’s efforts require our partnership. Through our virtue and prayer, by being better people, we engage G-d in the mysterious – and arduous – process of joining souls together, in one beautiful dance that ripples through the cosmos and transforms the world and all those around us.
--------
1) Bereishis Rabba 68:3.
2) 68:4. For an eloquent explanation of this Midrash – see Sefer HaLikkutim (Arizal) in this week’s portion.
3) Pslams 68:7.
4) Sotah 2a.
5) Sotah ibid. Sanhedrin 22a.
6) Rashi Sotah ibid. Sefer HaLikkutim ibid.
7) Moed Kattan 18b.
8) The following is adapted from the Rebbe’s letter 23 Shvat 5707 (Igros Kodesh vol. 2 pp. 193). Here is an English translation.
9) See Sefer Chassidim sec. 383.
10) Rashi's commentary to Rabbeinu Yitzchak Alfasi's gloss to Moed Katan ibid. This is evident from the fact that he does not explicitly state that the nullification is only temporary. This is also reflected by the statement of Tosafos, Sanhedrin 22a, who draw a parallel to prayer that has the power to transform a fetus from a male to a female. It is also apparent that this is the approach of the Tzemach Tzedek in his Chiddushim to the Talmud, Moed Katan.
11) Tashbetz, Vol. II, responsum 1.
12) Rambam, ch. 8, of his Shemoneh Perakim. See also his responsa, responsum 159.
13) Akeidah, Shaar 8 and Shaar 22.
14) Translated from the letter in the previous footnote.
15) A portion of them are cited by the Yaavetz in his gloss to Sotah 2a.
16) Zohar I, 73b.
17) Zohar I, 91b, 229a, quoted in Midrash Talpios, anaf zivug.
18) Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8 and Hakdamah 20; Sefer HaGilgulim, ch. 13; Likkutei Torah and Sefer HaLikkutim, Tehillim, ch. 48.
19) Sefer HaLikkutim in footnote 5. This is the meaning that “G-d sits and makes matches:” G-d “sitting” is a metaphor for the Divine “descent,” a “difficult” process, to create matches even amongst (initially) incompatible individuals, using the tools of nature, without disrupting the natural balance of existence.
20) Sefer HaGilgulim, loc. cit.
21) The gloss of B'nei Aharon to Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8, in the name of the elder Rabbis who cited the teaching in the name of the AriZal.
22) This week’s portion – Genesis 31:40.
Monday, November 19, 2007
The wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
[I love this part....]
"Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
[I love this part....]
"Only when he's been drinking."
Friday, November 16, 2007
caught in a terrible blizzard
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Thursday, November 15, 2007
MEN and WOMEN..............
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even
before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting
like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even
before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting
like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
Friday, November 09, 2007
The Maid asked for a raise.
The Maid asked for a raise.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!
Jail Time for 80 Year Old Wife
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
The New Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Classic: Books which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Classic: Books which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Why the dating scene is tough ?
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
========================
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
========================
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the
next four days and the same thing happens On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in h is life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass
is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the
next four days and the same thing happens On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in h is life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass
is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Friday, November 02, 2007
I'd really rather have a job
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just hate drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.'
'You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.'
'You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're Bull-shittin' me!'
The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'
The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.'
'You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.'
'You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're Bull-shittin' me!'
The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'
Thursday, November 01, 2007
15 Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your husband walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
2. What do you do if your husband walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
shiduch rejects
Shiduch Committee discussion:
There's Avrohom Avinu: He seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind. next.
Yitzchak Avinu: Well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and his half brother is an Arab.
Yaakov Avinu: His great-grandfather made idols, his brother went off the derech, his mother comes from a very treyfe family and he wasn't shomer negiah with Rachel Imeinu before they were married and he spent a lot of time with his uncle, who's mammesh a rasha.
Yosef HaTzaddik: His mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him. There must be something in that. You know where there's smoke there's fire. And with all the issues with Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak and Yaakov Avinu, better not.
Moshe Rabbeinu: Oy, what a maaseh! His parents separated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim; not our kind for sure. He may be close to Hashem but his background is so problematic we wouldn't want him in our family!
Dovid HaMelech: Descendants from a geyoret, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with more Jewish background.
Shlomo HaMelech: See above. Also, his mother's marriage was a little dubious, don't you think? He is rich though but the yichus and family background is very tricky.
There's Avrohom Avinu: He seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind. next.
Yitzchak Avinu: Well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and his half brother is an Arab.
Yaakov Avinu: His great-grandfather made idols, his brother went off the derech, his mother comes from a very treyfe family and he wasn't shomer negiah with Rachel Imeinu before they were married and he spent a lot of time with his uncle, who's mammesh a rasha.
Yosef HaTzaddik: His mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him. There must be something in that. You know where there's smoke there's fire. And with all the issues with Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak and Yaakov Avinu, better not.
Moshe Rabbeinu: Oy, what a maaseh! His parents separated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim; not our kind for sure. He may be close to Hashem but his background is so problematic we wouldn't want him in our family!
Dovid HaMelech: Descendants from a geyoret, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with more Jewish background.
Shlomo HaMelech: See above. Also, his mother's marriage was a little dubious, don't you think? He is rich though but the yichus and family background is very tricky.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
2nd opinion ?
The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news
is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Joe
was shocked and depressed. He wondered
if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When
he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need.. a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit. The elderly
tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor
said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know" Been in
the business 60 years." Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and
said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I
got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his
head, "You can't wear a size34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. "
New suit - $ 400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Joe
was shocked and depressed. He wondered
if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When
he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need.. a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit. The elderly
tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor
said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know" Been in
the business 60 years." Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and
said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I
got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his
head, "You can't wear a size34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. "
New suit - $ 400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Pu blic places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '.'
$20.00 says you're gonna read this again!
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Pu blic places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '.'
$20.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
What am I doing wrong?
THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST
What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to
the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.
In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades Ineed an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to
the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.
In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades Ineed an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
7 reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Monday, September 24, 2007
Dear Tide:
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
Mothers ?
Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody's and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing,I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother : "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him
immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? "
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody's and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing,I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother : "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him
immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? "
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Thursday, September 06, 2007
SBF seeks male companionship
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men ended up talking to the Atlanta Humane Society who was trying to find a home for a black Labrador named Daisy
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men ended up talking to the Atlanta Humane Society who was trying to find a home for a black Labrador named Daisy
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Are your minutes ticking?
IMHO it seems that nowadays everyone tells the Shadchun "they have all the time in the world and why settle"?
To friends and at home the tears and madness are getting worse.
No sense to me whatsoever.
Then again, what and who does make sense nowadays?
"Talking Dog For Sale."
A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten euros." the man says.
"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten euros." the man says.
"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
After being married for 44 years.............
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
Monday, August 27, 2007
A disturbed reader. ????
Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (From Chasunah To Foreclosure)
Dear Editor, My neighbor, Simcha, married off his daughter about six months ago. I went to the Chasuna which was in one of the wedding halls in the neighborhood. The ballroom was set up for the hundreds of guests. Simcha's daughters looked beautiful in their stunning gowns, the food was excellent and the music was very leibidig. Another beautiful Jewish Wedding.
I sat down as they served the chicken, and as I was about to taste the food, I looked at my friend Bentzi to my right. He also looked quite sick to his stomach. It wasn't that Simcha owed each of us thousands of dollars with no way of paying it back. That wasn't the problem at all.
The problem was that Simcha borrowed to pay the caterer, but he paid with his sholom bayis out of his pocket. The money for the beautiful clothing was not his, but the sleepless nights were his. The band was paid by someone else, but he paid with his own health. The guy who lent him for the photographer will never get paid back, but his children paid with suffering of their own.
Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow his HOUSE is up for AUCTION since it has been in foreclosure for four months! (Every single detail in this story is true).
Are we totally out of our minds? Are we crazy? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Please tell me how we can fix this way of life that we are all being sucked into?
A disturbed reader.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/index.php?p=9628
Dear Editor, My neighbor, Simcha, married off his daughter about six months ago. I went to the Chasuna which was in one of the wedding halls in the neighborhood. The ballroom was set up for the hundreds of guests. Simcha's daughters looked beautiful in their stunning gowns, the food was excellent and the music was very leibidig. Another beautiful Jewish Wedding.
I sat down as they served the chicken, and as I was about to taste the food, I looked at my friend Bentzi to my right. He also looked quite sick to his stomach. It wasn't that Simcha owed each of us thousands of dollars with no way of paying it back. That wasn't the problem at all.
The problem was that Simcha borrowed to pay the caterer, but he paid with his sholom bayis out of his pocket. The money for the beautiful clothing was not his, but the sleepless nights were his. The band was paid by someone else, but he paid with his own health. The guy who lent him for the photographer will never get paid back, but his children paid with suffering of their own.
Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow his HOUSE is up for AUCTION since it has been in foreclosure for four months! (Every single detail in this story is true).
Are we totally out of our minds? Are we crazy? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Please tell me how we can fix this way of life that we are all being sucked into?
A disturbed reader.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/index.php?p=9628
Sunday, August 26, 2007
This is What Marriage is Really All About
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(This is great)
**********
**********
"THE TEETH."
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(This is great)
**********
**********
"THE TEETH."
Saturday, August 25, 2007
yep ?
“It wasn't easy for me to come out with a public call last week to Israeli
residents to oppose the evacuation of Jews from Hebron. Hebron is
Jerusalem, NOT Yamit.
“I called for passive, non-violent resistance against the declared
intentions of the government in Hebron. It was only because I am convinced
that the security and inalienable rights of Jews in every part of Eretz
Yisrael will be irreversibly eroded if the government carries out its
plans in Hebron, that I decided that we must arise and passively resist
the uprooting of Jews from Hebron. And if, G-d forbid, the government does
carry out its intention, it should know, in advance, that we will return
to Hebron. […]
“For most of my life I have obeyed orders as well as issued them as a
soldier and commander in the IDF. Therefore, I am aware of the absolute
importance of the duty incumbent on every soldier to carry out the legal
orders, in order to preserve the military system which defends us.
“At the same time, warning must be given, that if the Israeli government
dares to uproot Jews from the heart of Eretz-Yisrael - a situation will
develop in which the military will eventually have nothing to defend
except itself, and will ultimately fall apart and disintegrate. After all,
the IDF was organized to defend the Zionist settlement drive, which was
threatened from the start as a result of Arab aggression, even before we
returned home to Hebron. It was only with tremendous pain that we were
able, in 1948, to retain part of Jerusalem.
“If the government uproots the Jews of Hebron, it will be uprooting a
vital cornerstone of the IDF - which is indispensable for the defense of
all parts of Israel. Therefore, although every soldier and commander must
obey the legal orders of the government, so too, must every citizen in a
democratic country ask himself what he is supposed to do when he is
convinced that the policy of the government endangers him, his future and
his family. […]
“Every Jew must feel as if he is personally going to be ousted from
Hebron. Each one of us must understand that if we will not stand up to
stop the uprooting of Jews from Hebron, we may very well - in the future -
be uprooted from Tel Aviv, Haifa, Beer Sheba or from any other place.
“In contrast to the days of exile, it is not only the right, but the
obligation of every Jew, in a Jewish democratic state, to stand up and
warn his government, through passive resistance, of the disaster that it
is bringing upon all of us. What Jews could not do in Germany and Poland
before their extermination, they must do in their own country. They have
to rise en masse and resist.”
Yep this is an old essay by former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.
Ariel Sharon wrote it on April 15, 1994:
residents to oppose the evacuation of Jews from Hebron. Hebron is
Jerusalem, NOT Yamit.
“I called for passive, non-violent resistance against the declared
intentions of the government in Hebron. It was only because I am convinced
that the security and inalienable rights of Jews in every part of Eretz
Yisrael will be irreversibly eroded if the government carries out its
plans in Hebron, that I decided that we must arise and passively resist
the uprooting of Jews from Hebron. And if, G-d forbid, the government does
carry out its intention, it should know, in advance, that we will return
to Hebron. […]
“For most of my life I have obeyed orders as well as issued them as a
soldier and commander in the IDF. Therefore, I am aware of the absolute
importance of the duty incumbent on every soldier to carry out the legal
orders, in order to preserve the military system which defends us.
“At the same time, warning must be given, that if the Israeli government
dares to uproot Jews from the heart of Eretz-Yisrael - a situation will
develop in which the military will eventually have nothing to defend
except itself, and will ultimately fall apart and disintegrate. After all,
the IDF was organized to defend the Zionist settlement drive, which was
threatened from the start as a result of Arab aggression, even before we
returned home to Hebron. It was only with tremendous pain that we were
able, in 1948, to retain part of Jerusalem.
“If the government uproots the Jews of Hebron, it will be uprooting a
vital cornerstone of the IDF - which is indispensable for the defense of
all parts of Israel. Therefore, although every soldier and commander must
obey the legal orders of the government, so too, must every citizen in a
democratic country ask himself what he is supposed to do when he is
convinced that the policy of the government endangers him, his future and
his family. […]
“Every Jew must feel as if he is personally going to be ousted from
Hebron. Each one of us must understand that if we will not stand up to
stop the uprooting of Jews from Hebron, we may very well - in the future -
be uprooted from Tel Aviv, Haifa, Beer Sheba or from any other place.
“In contrast to the days of exile, it is not only the right, but the
obligation of every Jew, in a Jewish democratic state, to stand up and
warn his government, through passive resistance, of the disaster that it
is bringing upon all of us. What Jews could not do in Germany and Poland
before their extermination, they must do in their own country. They have
to rise en masse and resist.”
Yep this is an old essay by former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.
Ariel Sharon wrote it on April 15, 1994:
Thursday, August 23, 2007
What is the Difference between potentially and realistically?
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars…..and then, ask you brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pill for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt and would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a FAG.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars…..and then, ask you brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pill for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt and would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a FAG.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Frustrated Shadchan)
Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Frustrated Shadchan)
August 16, 2007
Dear Editor, I am writing this letter after an extremely frustrating phone call. I would like to bring up a couple points in the hope that you will show it to your readers and perhaps it will change some peoples mindset.
A) I am a young Kollel Yungerman learning in Lakewood. Though in NO way do I view myself as a professional, I do dabble in shidduchim from time to time. It started off as setting up close friends and relatives, and as time went on I began to work on friends of friends and cousins of cousins etc.. In most cases my phone calls and emails are met with a positive response as people are very thankful that I thought of them.
A lot of time however, (and NOT on rare occasion) I feel that I am not being taken seriously and that I am wasting my (and the person I am callings) time. I wonder, in today’s world where there is so much talk about the “shidduch crisis” what can the explanation be? Granted I may not be as aggressive, pushy, and sweet mouthed as the real “professionals” but I definitely have “shaychus to the inyan” and it really would not hurt to listen, take down the info, and do some checking! I understand that some people get many phone calls that are absolutely off the wall (I was in the parsha not too long ago too,) but one really doesn’t know who their shliach will be!
B) Without going in to too much detail, I feel that I must mention that some of the reasoning’s behind a “no” are absolutely ridiculous. Now, I understand in some cases I am not being told the real reason, but many times I am. I recently called the father of a 26-year-old old girl and was told that they aren’t interested in the boy because his family “isn’t heimish enough”! I realize that there is something to having similar backrounds but she is 26 (and their families aren’t all that different)!! At least consider it…
Recently a 25-year-old old girl (who comes from a divorced home if I may add) told my wife that the 29-year-old old boy we were redding is too old and “probably way ahead of her in life”! I am talking about regular bais yakov type girls.
(Obviously this applies to the boys side as well -IF NOT MORE- just everyone always talks about how much harder it is for the girls…)
Rabbossai - Step one to alleviate the crisis is to try to be just a drop -JUST A DROP- more open-minded. (This comes before putting aside money issues and out of town etc).
C) This point is addressed to all the other young couples in LKWD and Eretz Yisroel or wherever you may be - If you have a shidduch idea RED IT!! Even if you are not 100% sure that it is a match - or even a 70% match - no harm can come from redding it (besides for some frustration perhaps). We hear about shidduchim -all the time- that end up working things out that we never would have imagined. We all have friends and our wives have friends and cousins etc. there has to be something that makes some sense somewhere!
Again, one never knows who the shliach may be and the zichusim are tremendous. One of today’s Gedoley Hador told me that the zechus of trying to set someone up - just letting them know that you are thinking of them - is immeasurable.
Hopefully I enlightened someone out there and I am very interested in hearing feedback. Hatzlocho !
August 16, 2007
Dear Editor, I am writing this letter after an extremely frustrating phone call. I would like to bring up a couple points in the hope that you will show it to your readers and perhaps it will change some peoples mindset.
A) I am a young Kollel Yungerman learning in Lakewood. Though in NO way do I view myself as a professional, I do dabble in shidduchim from time to time. It started off as setting up close friends and relatives, and as time went on I began to work on friends of friends and cousins of cousins etc.. In most cases my phone calls and emails are met with a positive response as people are very thankful that I thought of them.
A lot of time however, (and NOT on rare occasion) I feel that I am not being taken seriously and that I am wasting my (and the person I am callings) time. I wonder, in today’s world where there is so much talk about the “shidduch crisis” what can the explanation be? Granted I may not be as aggressive, pushy, and sweet mouthed as the real “professionals” but I definitely have “shaychus to the inyan” and it really would not hurt to listen, take down the info, and do some checking! I understand that some people get many phone calls that are absolutely off the wall (I was in the parsha not too long ago too,) but one really doesn’t know who their shliach will be!
B) Without going in to too much detail, I feel that I must mention that some of the reasoning’s behind a “no” are absolutely ridiculous. Now, I understand in some cases I am not being told the real reason, but many times I am. I recently called the father of a 26-year-old old girl and was told that they aren’t interested in the boy because his family “isn’t heimish enough”! I realize that there is something to having similar backrounds but she is 26 (and their families aren’t all that different)!! At least consider it…
Recently a 25-year-old old girl (who comes from a divorced home if I may add) told my wife that the 29-year-old old boy we were redding is too old and “probably way ahead of her in life”! I am talking about regular bais yakov type girls.
(Obviously this applies to the boys side as well -IF NOT MORE- just everyone always talks about how much harder it is for the girls…)
Rabbossai - Step one to alleviate the crisis is to try to be just a drop -JUST A DROP- more open-minded. (This comes before putting aside money issues and out of town etc).
C) This point is addressed to all the other young couples in LKWD and Eretz Yisroel or wherever you may be - If you have a shidduch idea RED IT!! Even if you are not 100% sure that it is a match - or even a 70% match - no harm can come from redding it (besides for some frustration perhaps). We hear about shidduchim -all the time- that end up working things out that we never would have imagined. We all have friends and our wives have friends and cousins etc. there has to be something that makes some sense somewhere!
Again, one never knows who the shliach may be and the zichusim are tremendous. One of today’s Gedoley Hador told me that the zechus of trying to set someone up - just letting them know that you are thinking of them - is immeasurable.
Hopefully I enlightened someone out there and I am very interested in hearing feedback. Hatzlocho !
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Which one is married?
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Stopping Gossip ?
Channah, self-appointed monitor of the schul's morals (a yenta), kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Moishe, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Moishe (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Moishe, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Moishe quietly parked his car in front of Channah's house,
walked home, and left it there all night!
You gotta love Moishe!
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Moishe, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Moishe (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Moishe, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Moishe quietly parked his car in front of Channah's house,
walked home, and left it there all night!
You gotta love Moishe!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Tu B'Av: Simply tu much
The Jewish holiday of love is upon us. Yonathan Yavin gives 10 reasons why the most annoying holiday on the capitalist calendar should be boycotted
Yonathan Yavin Published: 07.29.07, 16:18 / Israel Singles
Are you planning to celebrate Tu B'Av (the 15th of the month of Av)? Here are 10 reasons why you should reconsider:
1. Because – and it's a cliché – it is all a cynical capitalist conspiracy. Businesses discovered that the force the makes the world go round is love, and that the stronger force of money combined with the most Jewish emotion of all (guilt) mix together beautifully on Tu B'Av.
2. Because it's provincial. Somehow we've turned into a group of Levantine copycats that adopt foreign traditions indiscriminately (proms, giant weddings) with the same sleaziness that commercial networks adopt show formats from abroad. True, there's nothing wrong with celebrating love, but why copy the commercialism of Valentine's Day?
3. Because we celebrated Valentine's in February anyway and there is only room for one saccharine day a year.
4. Because it's too close to Tisha B'Av (the ninth of Av, a day of mourning over the destruction of the Temple). Forget about grieving for architectural disasters from 2,000 years ago; maybe it's no coincidence that the Holiday of Love is schedule six days after the day of mourning for the hatred that brought the Temple down. Why don't we spend Tu B'Av reflecting about ending hate, jealousy and anger?
5. Because love should be celebrated throughout the year, not one day a year. It's like the attention everyone pays the environment on Earth Day while the rest of the year they're polluting and damaging it. If you need a day to remind you of love, my condolences: that's no love.
6. Because you can't celebrate love. Period. Like you don't celebrate oxygen. You live it, live by it, supported by it, and enjoying it, in the silent sense of security and comfort it provides regardless of ego.
7. Because no matter how much you try you will not have an original idea. A vacation somewhere "romantic"? A massage? Higher, stronger, faster (but especially more expensive)? Forget it, it's business. If you truly want to be original, Tu B'Av is not the time for it.
8. Because whatever you end up doing, it won't be good enough.
9. Because whatever you'll do, she'll tell you "you shouldn't have." So, what's the point?
10.Because you don't buy it. Every fiber in your body screams this fake holiday is not for you. Love has a Siamese twin: truth. At their best, truth and love are conjoined. This clone of a day has nothing to do with truth.
Yonathan Yavin Published: 07.29.07, 16:18 / Israel Singles
Are you planning to celebrate Tu B'Av (the 15th of the month of Av)? Here are 10 reasons why you should reconsider:
1. Because – and it's a cliché – it is all a cynical capitalist conspiracy. Businesses discovered that the force the makes the world go round is love, and that the stronger force of money combined with the most Jewish emotion of all (guilt) mix together beautifully on Tu B'Av.
2. Because it's provincial. Somehow we've turned into a group of Levantine copycats that adopt foreign traditions indiscriminately (proms, giant weddings) with the same sleaziness that commercial networks adopt show formats from abroad. True, there's nothing wrong with celebrating love, but why copy the commercialism of Valentine's Day?
3. Because we celebrated Valentine's in February anyway and there is only room for one saccharine day a year.
4. Because it's too close to Tisha B'Av (the ninth of Av, a day of mourning over the destruction of the Temple). Forget about grieving for architectural disasters from 2,000 years ago; maybe it's no coincidence that the Holiday of Love is schedule six days after the day of mourning for the hatred that brought the Temple down. Why don't we spend Tu B'Av reflecting about ending hate, jealousy and anger?
5. Because love should be celebrated throughout the year, not one day a year. It's like the attention everyone pays the environment on Earth Day while the rest of the year they're polluting and damaging it. If you need a day to remind you of love, my condolences: that's no love.
6. Because you can't celebrate love. Period. Like you don't celebrate oxygen. You live it, live by it, supported by it, and enjoying it, in the silent sense of security and comfort it provides regardless of ego.
7. Because no matter how much you try you will not have an original idea. A vacation somewhere "romantic"? A massage? Higher, stronger, faster (but especially more expensive)? Forget it, it's business. If you truly want to be original, Tu B'Av is not the time for it.
8. Because whatever you end up doing, it won't be good enough.
9. Because whatever you'll do, she'll tell you "you shouldn't have." So, what's the point?
10.Because you don't buy it. Every fiber in your body screams this fake holiday is not for you. Love has a Siamese twin: truth. At their best, truth and love are conjoined. This clone of a day has nothing to do with truth.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Grow your own dream man in 30 days ?
Grow your own dream man in 30 days , is a must read article.
Is it going to bring anyone to their senses?
How can one be brought to their senses if there are none?
When society and culture dictate otherwise?
Is it going to bring anyone to their senses?
How can one be brought to their senses if there are none?
When society and culture dictate otherwise?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Life explained ?
On the first day, God created the dog and said:"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you --- go forth.
anonymous
Friday, July 20, 2007
Kalmen was in trouble
Kalmen was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect something nice in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 under 6 seconds. The next morning Kalmen got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale
Kalmen has been missing since Monday.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Subject: personal ads for the yidlock
Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting cold. POB 96.
Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.
Matzo supplier 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer to play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.
You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskite. POB 766.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your inner most thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your
insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting cold. POB 96.
Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.
Matzo supplier 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer to play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.
You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskite. POB 766.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your inner most thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your
insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
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