Emotional Adultery! Are You Cheating?

Emotional Adultery! Are You Cheating? Is Your Mate Cheating?
By Laura Snyder

The rules used to be so clear: you slept with someone else, you cheated. But now relationship experts are saying that emotional intimacy - with closeness, sexual chemistry and secrecy - is just as damaging to a relationship as sexual infidelity.

According to the late Shirley Glass, family therapist and author of Not 'Just Friends', the new infidelity is between people who - unwittingly - form deep connections with a friend before realizing things aren't so innocent.

It's called an 'emotional affair'. Are you having one? Is your partner?

Do you keep secrets from your spouse or partner?
Is your lover in the loop when you take your special friend out to lunch, or meet for drinks after work? If your answer includes the phrase, "but my partner just doesn't understand," it sounds like you've got something to hide.

Are you conversationally committed?
Is your mate telling you less about what's going on in his/her life?
Do you share more of the mundane details of your day with your friend than with your partner? Experts explain that sharing more of your life with someone other than your spouse is a way of withholding intimacy.

Do your chats cross the line?Is your partner very close with a particular friend?
Are you dishing details you wouldn't divulge your partner was around? Even more telling: are you talking about negative or intimate details of your love life with your friend? If it's your partner you suspect of cheating, ask yourself if it sound like he or she has a case of 'mentionitis' - the inability to carry on a conversation without including numerous references to a new pal, no matter how tenuous the link to subject matter?

Has your buddy list lengthened?
Is your partner catching up with old friends?
Are you meeting new friends on the Internet without your partner's knowledge? Has your sweetie mentioned getting back in touch with former flames? According to one report, more than one-third of romantic reunions begin when at least one of the people was already married; current research suggests that number may have doubled. Sure, you may not be looking for trouble, but that doesn't mean it won't find you on its own. That same study says half of those having such affairs said they had happy marriages and would never have cheated with someone other than the person from their past.

"He raped me", Drugs, Divorce and Infertility

A friend of mine, who is separated from his wife and kinderlech who live in Israel works out before Pesach visitation rights and travels to Israel to visit. All goes well until he is at the airport, after Pesach, on his way back and is arrested. His daughter claims he raped her.
With Hashem's help, things will be cleared up and he will be released, but meanwhile this game is becoming the norm. Separation and divorce have become reality shows.

Another friend’s wife has a mental breakdown after several children. Her parents immediately take to "her doctor", and it is revealed that she had a nervous breakdown while still a teenager. Her parents do not real care to help. The husband does not want to abandon or divorce her because he loves her and she is the mother of his kids. The girl's parents are trying to cover up that it is the husbands fault since he did not satisfy her in bed. The doctor says she has not complained anything against her husband just against her parents. It seems anytime the mother could not handle a situation she took Valium and gave her kids the same. The doctors claim that this is very normal today. Most people are on prescription drugs.

Another friend of mind is divorced and "swears" he will not get married again. One of his daughters as is now will never be able to have children. She is smart, caring, and pretty, etc. . Statistics out there claim that 1 out of 4, males and/or females, cannot reproduce. Most of the time this is not revealed to the future spouse.

I have read many new blogs who come out with their "kvetches" about infidelity, mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from parents, family, teachers, and the rest of the system.

So is it very cloudy out there? Is it possible to look above the clouds? Is it any wonder that the shidduch "system", which really includes everyone, is out of whack? Is it any wonder that more people who are stressed out do things "out of the norm"? Is it any wonder that the teenagers "become" at risk children? Is it any wonder that the divorce rate is inching up?

All withstanding, I continue to imagine and dream that although I am watching this all in slow motion, the future will be bright. The sunny days, G"W, are ahead of us.

I did get this clip from another friend who is attempting on a daily basis to put a light touch to the worlds "situations". I hope you enjoy it.

Wishing all a "true sunny days ahead" Shabbos

Imagine

Imagine a world where there is ;

a global network of qualified professional shadchunim

a database where one can choose which shadchun to deal with

a database where the qualified shadchun can access all the information about everyone

a database that will act like your driver's license record for yourself and the shadchun. if one doesn't cooperate and deal honestly and respectfully they will be told so and dealt accordingly

a system where everyone communicates with a final yes or final no

an pre-marriage education mandatory course

an after the marriage for 1 year mandatory follow up course and help if needed

a system where if one needs true financial "chasuna" money those who could help will be able to do so more easily and accountably

a shadchun will be able to match the compatible boy and girl with out fear of reluctant parents


It's possible

Perception and Reality

As much as the Chareidi world wants to believe, the reality is different.

Police to ask for charges against chief rabbi's family is just reality, that nobody is immune to what is going on out there.

The internet is here to stay.

The information age is here to stay.

Either we start coming up with ideas or these headlines will become the norm.

Hashem Yaazor

Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me a Match

Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me a Match (made aware to me by yingele, ty)
by Rabbi Maurice Lamm
"Marriages are made in heaven," but who are these people making matches on earth, and why have their played a pivotal role in Jewish history?


The story is told that a Roman matron once asked Rabbi Yosi: "How has your God been occupying his time since He finished the creation of the world?"

"He has been busy pairing couples," answered the Rabbi.

She was astonished. "Is that His trade? Even I can do that job. As many man-servants and maid-servants as I have, I can pair."

"Perhaps it is a simple matter in your eyes," replied the Rabbi. "For God, it is as intricate as the Splitting of the Sea."

She promptly placed one thousand man-servants opposite one thousand maidservants and declared, "He will marry her, she will marry him," and so on.

The next morning, two thousand servants came to her door, beaten and bruised, complaining, "I do not want her, I do not want him!"

She sent for Rabbi Yosi, and conceded: "Rabbi, your Torah is true."

THE ULTIMATE MATCHMAKER

The Talmud explains: Matchmaking was a simple matter in her eyes because she, unlike God, could not understand the fundamental differences in the human character that militate against one stranger being successfully matched with another.

There is no doubt, the Talmudic Sages conclude, that God Himself had to be the first and ultimate matchmaker. Who else could blend two disparate personalities so that they cleave together "as one flesh"? Did he not arrange the union of Adam and Eve?

This conclusion was so irresistible, that the rabbis wrote it down no fewer than five times in Midrashic literature: "Marriages are made in Heaven."

This is not a romantic American cliche, but a serious statement of predestination. God determines which people will unite successfully. Does not the Talmud say: "Forty days before the birth of a child, a heavenly voice proclaims: 'The daughter of so-and-so will be married to so-and-so?'"

This raises a thorny question: If the selection of a mate is preordained, why is it necessary to go through the elaborate charade of selecting a suitable mate? And why do so many marriages fail?

Rabbi Akiva responds to a similar question of predestination by saying, "Everything is known to God, yet free will is given to man." God knows what we will do and how things will work out, but it is still up to us, to arrange our own lives. Only after all of the arrangements have been made can we say confidently that this is what God had originally ordained.

A HISTORY OF THE SHADCHAN

The tradition of the matchmaker or shadchan traces its human origins to the super-matchmaker of all time, Abraham's masterful servant Eliezer, who arranged no less a marriage than that of the patriarch Isaac to the matriarch Rebecca.

As the story is told in the Book of Genesis (Genesis 24:1-67) Abraham, having realized that the native Canaanite women were morally unsuitable, decides to search abroad for a suitable wife for his son Isaac. He sends Eliezer, under oath, to find the right bride for Isaac "from among the members of his family and the house of his father," which he had left behind when, at God's bidding, he had set out for Canaan. Eliezer believes he has found a suitable match in Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel, the nephew of Abraham; but she must first pass a test designed to determine the quality of her kindness and hospitality. Rebecca succeeds admirably in meeting all his expectations -- she is generous, extraordinarily hospitable, and selfless, kind to total strangers and even animals. Eliezer brings Rebecca to Isaac, who welcomes her into his home, and "he loved her."

The significance of the function of the shadchan in ancient times can be seen from the derivation of its root word shiduch, meaning "match." The Aramaic translation has it as sheket, "silence," and the term shiduch signifies tranquility or peacefulness. The connotation is that the shadchan pacifies parents who are anxious about their child's marital prospects. It also implies a sense of tranquil arrival for two people tired of the dreams, the frustrated expectations, and the long search for a loving spouse.

AN HONORABLE TRADITION

The classic shadchan has a long and honorable tradition in Jewish life. No huckster could become a unifier of human beings. He had to have deep personal integrity and balanced judgment to be entrusted with so vital a task as arranging a permanent union.

From the days of the Talmud and for centuries thereafter, it was the headmasters of the Higher Torah Academies who were customarily asked to recommend eligible students for marriage. The reason is obvious: in addition to possessing the necessary moral qualifications, these rabbis were also intimately acquainted both with the elite young scholars who were considered the prize grooms and the leading families of the community who supported the communal institutions.

The role of the shadchan reached its height in the darkest days of oppression and dispersion of the long Jewish exile in Europe. At a time when the survival of the people was in danger, and high standards of personal morality seemed threatened with extinction, this institution provided a stabilizing, fortifying and encouraging influence. This was especially true during the 13th and 14th centuries, after the Crusades had ravaged the Jewish people and scattered them over the entire continent. Communities had been splintered and isolated, and there was little communication between one group of Jews and another.

It was also at this time that the concept of romantic love was formally introduced to the world. The rabbis distrusted the romantic impulse as the basis for marriage, and felt that the shadchan lessened the chances of romantic dallying with a variety of people.

Although the estimation of beauty was the shadchan's stock in trade, he was encouraged not to arrange a union based exclusively on physical attributes. Instead, he based his choices on qualities of character, piety, intelligence and competence that would lend permanence to a marriage and encourage a high degree of moral stability in the community.

Toward the end of the Middle Ages, a new type of individual began to occupy the position of shadchan -- the paid professional. It is very likely that the shadchan began to be paid as the community became anxious about the contagion of romantic love and its potentially disastrous effects on Jewish society.

By the 15th century, scholars as great as Maharal earned their livelihoods as professional shadchanim. Questions and answers are recorded in medieval Rabbinic Responsa indicating how, how much, and when the shadchan is to be paid. If a match proved to be unhappy, he could be banned and his fee refused. If things went unusually well, he could reasonably claim twice the fee. Jewish law, therefore, established his fees, and Jewish ethics determined his integrity.

PRESERVER OF JEWISH VALUES

The Talmudic rabbis say about God, the first shadchan: "He pairs two people, even if He must ... bring them from one end of the world to the other."

In the same way, the shadchan traveled from city to city in an intricate network of cross-pollination, telling the father of a young man that a perfectly-suited young lady had been discovered 200 miles away. Considering that highway robbers made the medieval roads notoriously dangerous to travel without armed escort, and difficult as well as time consuming to navigate even at the best of times, there was virtually no way such families would have met without the shadchan's unique combination of courage, psychological acuity ad brokerage talents.

In fact, Jewish law recognized this aspect of the shadchan's function and stipulated that he was to be paid a higher fee when the bride and groom come from widely separated communities. In this way he literally interrelated whole communities and provinces.

At the same time, he performed an important subsidiary function by carrying news of Jewish affairs to widely separated Jewish communities. Although to us marriage and news-bringing may be ordinary events, in those days they served a vital function of encouraging small pockets of Jews not to despair: they were not alone, but part of the larger world of Jews, related to the big cities, the great scholars, and to Jerusalem itself.

The shadchan was familiar with the backgrounds of scores of families, and he held the key to the successful marriages of their children. As a result, the community developed a greater concern than ever for the authenticity of family descent. A mixed marriage, the conversion of one of its members to another faith, or the birth of an illegitimate child would significantly diminish the opportunities for a good shiduch for every child of each family. Since the selection of a spouse was not left to a chance meeting, the rate of interfaith marriage was kept so low as to be insignificant.

Because the shadchan would not only match inner qualities but family pedigree and scholastic and economic achievements, families knew that their futures depended on their religious and moral reputations. This spurred families to achieve a better quality of Jewish life, resulting in a religious and moral stability that was the envy of surrounding peoples.

In these times, the ideal of well-to-do parents, was to have their daughter marry a Torah scholar of great potential. This only the shadchan could arrange, and be was often a genius at wedding scholarship to wealth. He thereby performed feats of genetic engineering, which assured the survival of the intelligentsia.

Interestingly, this process served society in another crucial way: because the scholar was able to reach the top of the social ladder, the poor learned that the fastest way out of poverty was intellectual achievement.

Similarly, the girl born to poverty had at least a reasonable hope of rising socially by bearing children whose scholarship would make them eligible to marry into wealthier families. Even the sisters, parents and children of a scholar were invested with his prestige. The rabbis said, "Take heed of the children of the poor, for from them will issue scholars of Torah."

DECLINE AND RE-EMERGENCE

Gradually, over the centuries, the societal need for the shadchan diminished. Communities were more stable, communication and travel became easier, and there was a greater concentration of Jews in the larger cities.

Also, many young people who were suddenly emancipated and imbued with the ideals of the romantic tradition sought to experience this romance personally. The traditional clients of the shadchan now felt demeaned merely by talking to him, since was a clear sign of their own inadequacies.

The image of the shadchan evolved from a heaven-sent messenger doing God's will to nothing more than a flesh-trader. By the end of the 16th century, his activities were closely watched, and many commentaries and ethical tracts scorned his techniques. In 500 years, the shadchan declined from an exalted position to an object mockery and social anathema.

But there proved to be solid arguments for reviving the function of the shadchan. When people marry at an early age -- for example, age 21 and 22 for men, 18 and 19 for women -- their sober judgment at is age is at least questionable, and intellectual compatibility at school is frequently confused with abiding love.

In recent years, with the growth of an indigenous American Orthodoxy that finds the contemporary environment morally deficient, the shadchan has reemerged, dressed in the new garb of the university and the computer matching service.

Orthodox Jewish communities now avail themselves of many such modern marriage brokers who demonstrate none of the ridiculed qualities of their predecessors. These shadchanim are found largely in New York. Private enterpreneurs, they rarely advertise and are best discovered by personal recommendation.

It would not be surprising if the Jewish world, seeking desperately to preserve itself, fearful of the imminent collapse of the host culture and astonished by the growing divorce rate, would warmly welcome back, in a new guise, the old shadchan who traces his lineage, after all, to God Himself.


Author Biography:
Rabbi Maurice Lamm is the author of "The Jewish Way of Death and Mourning," "The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage", "Becoming A Jew" and many other books. A professor at Yeshiva University’s Rabbinical Seminary, he lectures nationally to Jewish and Christian audiences.

Doing it is one thing, but actually talking about it?

This is the next biggest great news that I have seen in the last few weeks. People are normal and they want to talk. Is this a new bright light shining? I love this and hope that this is the true information age happening.


Doing it is one thing, but actually talking about it?
By Tamar Rotem

The word "sex" was not spoke out loud once at the meeting on premarital sexual relations among religious Jews. The evening, organized by two moderate Orthodox Zionist organizations, Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah and the Herzog Center, the religious's kibbutz movement's Jewish studies center, took place on Monday evening at the Ohel Nehama Synagogue in Jerusalem's Talbieh neighborhood, a popular gathering place for the city's young singles.

They go to the synagogue on Shabbat to see and be seen, and as such it plays an important role in the Jerusalem religious singles' scene. it is referred to by those in the know as "the swamp."

The taboo-breaking discussion on premarital sex, which was titled, "Between him and her: Before marriage in religious society - danger or opportunity," managed to draw a large crowd. The hall was filled to capacity with young singles and married people. Some even brought their children.

In the front row sat some older people, a reminder that behind the scandalous topic stands the struggle over the identity of religious society. Until now, the sector has given a central role to the institution of family. Now, young people are delaying marriage, having sex and asking for single women to be allowed to immerse themselves in the mikveh (ritual bath). This is seen as a threat to the institution of marriage and to the religious establishment as a whole.

Moshe Tur Paz, chairman of Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah, said after the event that he had expected an "angry mob" from among the Hardal (the Hebrew acronym for Haredi-dati-leumi, or ultra-Orthodox-religious-nationalist) sector. But no one tossed any eggs at the panel. Even in the rows where the older people were seated, it seemed that no one was shocked, proof perhaps that reality was way ahead of the debate and had already changed perceptions and positions.

Tur Paz attributes great social significance to the gathering, which for the first time, openly and in a dignified public forum, discussed the distress of young religious people stemming from the prohibition of negi'a (touching, which includes physical contact between the sexes).

He says he is concerned that people will leave the religious community because of this distress. "Those who came today to listen and who are troubled by this problem are a minority," he says. "I'm worried about those young people - and there thousands of them - who don't talk about their distress. And about the impact of this distress on marital relationships in religious society," he says.

Tur Paz says that in the wake of the event, Ohel Nehama ended its association with Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah, which had held a series of lectures and discussions there, because, he says, they "couldn't handle us any more with such topics."

According to the synagogue's rabbi, Danny Tropper, the arrangement between Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah and Ohel Nehama ended because they did not see eye-to-eye on several other issues as well.

Until the redeemer comes

Early this month, an explosive article was published in De'ot, the journal of Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah, known for its openness to controversial topics. The article, "Between him and her, between halakha and practice," describes the intense conflict experienced by single men and women. Given the Jewish religious law's prohibiting of sexual relations outside of marriage, an unfortunate reality exists of a large number of religious singles agonizing over sex. Many "do it" and are tormented by guilt and a sense of having sinned.

The article opened by quoting from a young religious woman, Tzurit Doron, who had written on the Internet site Michnasayim [slacks], a religious cultural alternative: "These girls, mostly girls who grew up in the ulpanot [religious girls' high schools] have understood that if they reach a certain age and have not found a groom, they are meant to give up a whole part of their lives, meaning the physical experience, and remain chaste and suppressed for the rest of their lives or until the redeemer comes, if ever. This is a humiliating, shocking, paralyzing and above all an explicitly anti-Jewish thought."

The article also quoted young people saying that the ban on sex is "not a legitimate demand." The article discussed cases of couples that do have sex and whether single women should be permitted to immerse themselves in a mikveh so that they do not violate the prohibition of nidda. Nidda literally means menstruation, referring to ritual impurity during and immediately after the menstrual period, which requires women to refrain from relations with their husbands during that time and then immerse in a mikveh, after which they are again permitted to have relations with their husbands.

As expected, the article prompted favorable and critical reactions. According to a member of the journal's editorial board, one harsh reaction came from a rabbi who is supportive of the movement and who expressed his disappointment over the journal's initiative.

The gathering at Ohel Nehama, which was intended to open a dialogue on the topic raised in the article, caused a real stir. Tur Paz says that 15 rabbis were invited to sit on the panel and that they all declined, giving various excuses. The only one who agreed was Rabbi Eli Kahan, the head of Midreshet Ein Hanaziv, a religious seminary for young women. De'ot editorial board member Dr. Ariel Picard, one of the speakers at the gathering, served in the past as the rabbi of Kibbutz Shluhot but no longer calls himself a rabbi.

The panel discussed the topic as if they were holding a hot potato in their hands. They refrained from explicitly referring to sex, and spoke about "it" - "doing it" - and about "the problem." Sharon Mayevsky was the only speaker to comment on this. Perhaps this was because the discussion was not focused.

Contrary to the expectations of the many young people who showed up, the evening did not generate any revolutionary, incisive and public conclusions. One of the young women in the audience left the packed hall in the middle of the discussion, and her parting words were - "call me when the psika [halakhic ruling] can change."

Unlike her, Mayevsky, 32, has no expectations from halakha or the rabbis. "I don't know what it is to be a rabbi, with public responsibility," she says. "But I do expect that a young woman or man who is deliberating over his/her sexuality should look at the issue without any baggage, and not out of guilt feelings. I want it to be understood that this discussion does not stem from an inability to abstain - sexuality is an intense social-emotional issue," she says.

An inflated number of questions

Even without a call to change the halakhic ruling, there were some unconventional statements made at the event. For example, Ariel Picard talked about the unnecessary intensification of the ban on sexual relations. "The whole issue of observing negi'a has reached hysterical proportions," he said. "It's not just about sexual relations, but covers relationships between boys and girls in general and the whole issue of gender separation in the schools. As a result, they fill them with fears and anxieties up until the wedding. There are other prohibitions commanded by the Torah, such as withholding wages. The wages of mikveh attendants were withheld. Did anyone get hysterical?" he says.

Picard also commented on the religious public's great need for rabbinical rulings. According to him, the religious public is asking rabbis an inflated amount of questions about contact. This situation is clearly reflected on Internet responsa sites, where rabbis repeatedly give the same laconic answers, prohibiting contact and encouraging abstinence, and the young people repeatedly ask very detailed questions relating to various sexual acts.

"In modern society, the individual has autonomy. People need to take personal responsibility, responsibility for their relationships and their partner, and decide by themselves based on what is appropriate for them and for their partner. Religion is also a personal matter," Picard says.

He does have some expectations of the rabbinical arbiters. "I expect that the rabbis will not lie, that they speak the halakhic truth. When people ask a rabbi if a single woman can immerse in the mikveh, he relies on a responsum of the Ribash (Rabbi Yitzhak Bar Sheshet, a 14th century rabbi from North Africa. His responsa offers an explanation why the rabbis did not require single women to immerse in the mikveh - T.R.). But the interest in this responsum is educational, as it relates to the ethos of the halakha - the fact that they did not permit ritual immersion, in order not to ease the conscience - and not to the halakha itself," Picard says.

According to Rabbi Kahn, "There is a halakhic basis for permitting immersion in the mikveh, but the question that I struggle a lot with is whether or not it is appropriate to exercise it. To find the explanations is not complicated, but the question is undermining the institution of marriage."

Like other speakers at the event, Rabbi Kahn feels that the entire discussion represented an opening to a deeper discussion of relationships between men and women in religious society, which has become more problematic since Hardal influence has imposed a greater separation of the sexes in schools.

Who should pay for dating data?

At Purim it's customary to give "Purim Torah" - words of Torah with a light-hearted approach but still with a serious message. Here is this year's Purim version of the Jewish Ethicist.

Q. I'm a corporate lawyer new to the Jewish dating scene. My suggested date gave me a lengthy questionnaire. Am I allowed to bill the time it takes to fill out and deduct it from the cost of dinner?

A.Your situation has become increasingly common in the 21st century dating scene. Let's examine some of the ethical issues that arise.

First, let's discuss the questionnaire itself. Jewish dating seems to have followed investing in this respect. In the past, people used to invest in stocks based on personal familiarity with the firm and its product, but now it is more popular to use impersonal "screens" which automatically choose suitable investment candidates. A similar process has been taking place in dating, and it seems to be working - singles who use these exclusive screens are able to find many more prospects, go out with many more dates, and are successful in delaying marriage for much longer.

Privacy issues dictate that the questionnaire shouldn't include any queries which are not directly relevant to your ability to hit it off with the prospective date, such as: What schools did your relatives attend? Or, Where do you buy your suits? Rather, it should focus on matters which directly relate to your mutual compatibility. Good questions include: Will I personally find you sensitive and caring? Will your sense of humor appeal to me? (Of course you can really learn the answers to these questions only on a date itself, but even so a questionnaire is of obvious value.)

As you are a lawyer, I don't need to tell you that you should insist that your date sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding the content of the questionnaire.

Charging your date for the time you spend filling out the questionnaire is a very delicate question. According to Jewish law, it would be inappropriate to charge your normal rate for "billable hours" since filling out questionnaires does not require a corporate lawyer. The most ethical solution is to calculate the amount of money people are normally paid to fill out dating questionnaires in the marketplace.

If the questionnaire respondent is a woman, then the same principles apply in reverse. You should demand a more expensive dinner to cover your paperwork expenses.

A fundamental principal in business ethics is to strive for "win-win" solutions. Instead of deducting the cost from dinner, why don't you give your date a choice? Tell her that given your time budget she can choose between a fancy dinner and a "blind" date or a simple dinner with questionnaire firmly in hand - if of course you pass her screens. (If you are a lady, then the opposite - explain that you can fill out the questionnaire only if you get an extra course.)

Ultimately, the most equitable solution is to develop a uniform Jewish dating CV. Experts in the scene can formulate the most universally important questions such as: What color is the tablecloth in your parents' home[s]? How many distant relatives are intermarried? What family, genus, species, and variety do you belong to in the Jewish world? This will enable singles to be informed of the most vital information about prospective matches without the time and expense of personalized questionnaires, before they decide whether to go out on a date.

By the way, if it doesn't work out I know the most charming young lady from such a respectable family who studied in the best schools who would love to meet an ethical young man who just happens to work in corporate law.


The Jewish Ethicist presents some general principles of Jewish law. For specific questions and direct application, please consult a qualified Rabbi.

The Jewish Ethicist is a joint project of Aish.com and the Business Ethics Center of Jerusalem. To find out more about business ethics and Jewish values for the workplace, visit the JCT Center for Business Ethics website at www.besr.org.

A shadchun is not ........

A shadchun is not supposed to twist your arm.

A shadchun is not your conscience.

A shadchun is not you. You have a choice to say yes and no.

A shadchun should not be disrespectful.

A shadchun should not tell you they will call you back and they won't.

A shadchun is not a Prophet.

A shadchun should not to be treated in a disrespectful way.

A shadchun is not to be left in the dark. Tell them yes or no.

Shidduch Club discussions about people from Tanach:

The following was created to be humorous (here and sultanknish). It does speak volumes about how people truly think. IMHO, this is light, compared to what I have seen and heard.



Shidduch Club discussions about people from Tanach:

Avraham - he seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind...

Yitzchak - well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and his half brother is an arab..

Yosef - His mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him, must be something in that..

Moshe - His parents separated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim... not our kind for sure.

King David - Descended from a convert, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with a more 'jewish' background?

Shlomo - See above, also his mother's marriage was very dubious, he is rich though, but the yichus and family background is very tricky.

A Shadchun is ........

A shadchun is someone who has an "idea" that two people "belong" with each other to get married.

Just like musicians and artists who have "ideas" and they are not alike at all, so too the shadchun's "ideas" will be music and art to some and "garbage" to others.

Where do the musician and artist get their "ideas"? Well, where does anyone get "their" ideas?

According to the Holy Seforim, a Shadchun's ideas are supposed to equal to a "Noviah"- a prophecy. ANYONE can have this prophecy. Therefore, if one does not introduce and/or suggest to both sides the "idea" it is equivalent to "Jonah the Prophet" who was punished when he did not want to say the Prophecy.

Anyone that "gets" an idea of a shiduch has to make sure that somehow that idea is communicated. Saying that they will be looked as an idiot or even worse is no excuse. In fact, any excuse is no excuse.

How many of you out there, have been in such a situation? What did you do?

What is a shadchun?

As is my style, I have many questions, but this time around I hope, G"W, to have answers.

Here goes with the questions.

Does one need a shadchun? Should a shadchun be paid? Does one need to be qualified to be a shadchun?

What does it take to be shadchun? Is it easier or tougher to be one today than once upon a time?
Why is it that more women are shadchunim then men?

What are the difficulties and issues facing a shadchun?

Wishing us all to a "getting nearer to answer questions" Shabbos