Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

Two middle aged men in chavrusah..........

Two middle aged men in chavrusah were out at the Bais Medrash learning. Things got a little quiet for a moment while Shmiel was looking into a Rashi when Moishe looked up at Shmiel and says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Shmiel continues looking into the Gemara, then thoughtfully whispers to Moishe, "You better think it over for a little bit. Women like that are very hard to find."

Custody of the children?

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody
of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
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The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
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Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby 's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. __________________________________________________

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!

Are we getting the correct &/or objective true advice?

This question is a particular disturbing one in the shidduchim and matrimonial world.

Advice seems to be coming from everywhere. Parents, teachers, friends, "Professionals", and of course last but not least, the media.

Boys want real hot chicks. Girls want learning boys only. It seems as if the advice is for the boys to be girls and girls to be boys.

Eventually true marriage will be, boys to boys and girls to girls.

Let the true wars begin.

There's something you are not telling me?

When to bring flowers?

Getting to know the family?

Benefits of taking out the garbage

How many.......

How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what
seminary she went to.
**********
How many BYA girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and the rest to take pictures.
***********
How many Hadar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, the rest to say Tehillim.
************
How many Bnos Chava girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician - no one wants to get her hands dirty.
***********
How many BJJ girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they have Emunah that it will fix itself.
***********
How many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they don't realize that the light went out; the light of Torah
keeps them going.
*************
How many BY Intensive girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - -they're too busy changing diapers instead.
*************
How many Briskers does it take to change a light bulb?
That was a trick question. Briskers don't have electricity.
**************
How many Lakewooders does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they try to change the world instead.
**************
How many Chofetz Chaim boys does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw it in, and the rest to run to the Rosh Yeshivah to make sure
its okay.
**************
How many BYDM teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to realize that only he can change himself, one
step at a time.
***************
How many BYDM girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None. When the light bulb breaks, they just sit down and have a kumzits.
*************
How many Seminar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to fix it, and the rest to make up songs and call their friends up
and tell them about their latest sem scare.
***************
How many seminary rejects does it take to change a light bulb?
There is no light for seminary rejects.

once upon a time shachun?

A shadchan (matchmaker) goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."

The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

The shadchan responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."

"Well, in that case..."

Next, the shadchan approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."

"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."

"Ah, in that case..."

Finally, the shadchan goes to see the president of the World Bank.

"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."

"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case...."

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb xxx!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

the ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." And once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket, placing it onthe table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning out the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Don't believe everything you read?

What's puberty?

The no pressure date

Marketing from a woman's perspective

In case you were wondering what marketing is all about...

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.

Looking your best

What Men Are Really Saying:

"I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me."

The Wedding Test:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car