How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what
seminary she went to.
**********
How many BYA girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and the rest to take pictures.
***********
How many Hadar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, the rest to say Tehillim.
************
How many Bnos Chava girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician - no one wants to get her hands dirty.
***********
How many BJJ girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they have Emunah that it will fix itself.
***********
How many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they don't realize that the light went out; the light of Torah
keeps them going.
*************
How many BY Intensive girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - -they're too busy changing diapers instead.
*************
How many Briskers does it take to change a light bulb?
That was a trick question. Briskers don't have electricity.
**************
How many Lakewooders does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they try to change the world instead.
**************
How many Chofetz Chaim boys does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw it in, and the rest to run to the Rosh Yeshivah to make sure
its okay.
**************
How many BYDM teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to realize that only he can change himself, one
step at a time.
***************
How many BYDM girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None. When the light bulb breaks, they just sit down and have a kumzits.
*************
How many Seminar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to fix it, and the rest to make up songs and call their friends up
and tell them about their latest sem scare.
***************
How many seminary rejects does it take to change a light bulb?
There is no light for seminary rejects.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
once upon a time shachun?
A shadchan (matchmaker) goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadchan responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadchan approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadchan goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadchan responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadchan approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadchan goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
Monday, March 12, 2007
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb xxx!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb xxx!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
the ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." And once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket, placing it onthe table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning out the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." And once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket, placing it onthe table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning out the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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