how else could he guarantee that he would not look at other women after he married?

Crown Heights' receding hemlines


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Shmuley Boteach , THE JERUSALEM POST Dec. 16, 2007

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Returning to Chabad headquarters in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, for a Shabbat is an exhilarating experience. Lubavitchers are arguably the most alive people in the world and there is a pulse and electricity in the air that can scarcely be found anywhere else. What I did not expect, however, was to be approached by a large number of young rabbinical students of marriageable age who wanted counseling as to how to overcome their obsession with a woman's looks on dates. Some of the young men who approached me had dated upwards of 40 women and had been instantly dismissive if she wasn't a beauty.
Mind you, these were not bums. Most were outstanding young scholars, deeply religious, serious about their rabbinical degrees, and desirous of going, right after marriage, to the far corners of the world to spread Judaism. But in the area of dating they had absorbed the shallow mores of the mainstream culture. They judged a woman primarily by her appearance.

They had a problem and they knew it. They felt like they were betraying not just the essential values of the Jewish faith but also the exceptional spirituality for which Chabad is justly famous.

Then there was another group of young men who engaged me in endless debate, justifying their preoccupation with their potential mates' looks. One told me that there was nothing wrong with a man wanting to be attracted to his wife - and how else could he guarantee that he would not look at other women after he married?

"Of course a man has to be attracted to his wife," I conceded. "But your mistake is to so narrowly define attraction as consisting merely of physical beauty. What makes a woman striking is the totality of her being - her body, her mind, her heart, her virtue."

I asked them, "Do you believe for one moment that marrying the prettiest woman in the world will serve as an immunity to a roving eye? You can grow just as weary of waking up the same beautiful face as you do to a more ordinary one. Just look at Hollywood. These actors all marry women who look like supermodels, but they cheat on each other and end up divorced after just a few months. Rather, it's finding newness in a relationship that obviates boredom. And that can only come from a woman with real personality."

BUT WHAT about the Torah, he countered, which refers to the matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca and Rachel as being exceedingly beautiful? I responded that whenever the Torah speaks of the matriarchs' beauty, the remark is accompanied by a description of their virtue which was served as the great multiplier of that beauty, such as Sarah's readiness to feed all passersby and Rebecca's kindness in watering Eliezer's camels.

The very fact that I had to engage in a debate with learned rabbinical students about how a woman should not be reduced to mere body parts was extremely troubling.

Of late, I have devoted several columns to the increasingly distressed orthodox Jewish dating scene, where the core Jewish values of character and spiritual virtue are losing out to the dehumanizing qualities of money and looks. Jews who wouldn't be caught dead driving on Shabbat or eating a cheeseburger are prepared to base the most important decision of their lives on values that are antithetical to the Jewish insistence on character and depth.

King Solomon may have exclaimed that "beauty is false, while a woman who fears God is to be praised," but many of the yeshiva students today prefer a shapely body to a sculpted spirit.

Nearly 20 years ago when I married as a young Chabad student, it was almost unheard of to date an endless stream of women before finding a suitable wife. On the contrary, we were so enamored by the thrill of just being out with a woman that the dating did its magic and most of us found life partners without playing the unwinnable game of endless comparison.

Those days are gone and, perhaps for the first time, Chabad and other religious groups are developing their first ever singles scene, with literally thousands of single men and women remaining unattached for a good portion of their twenties.

Sadder still is the way in which the young women of Crown Heights of marriageable age accommodate this growing male shallowness. Last year there was the tragedy of a young woman in her late teens who died of anorexia. Her case was not an anomaly, as more and more Hassidic girls do everything to keep the pounds off, in the knowledge that few rabbinical students will marry them if they are overweight.

Then there are the receding hemlines one sees all around Crown Heights. Chabad girls are showing a lot of leg, which might seem innocuous - but it's not.

The one thing religious Jews always understood is that modest is sexy. Magnetism exists specifically in those things which are hidden and obscured.

WHEN OXFORD'S Bodleian Library last week decided to display all four of its copies of the Magna Carta for the first time in 800 years, it did so for only a single day. Likewise, in stark contrast to withered celebrities like Pamela Anderson who overexposed themselves to the point of a public yawn, great stars like Barbra Streisand remain interesting for decades because they know when not to appear in public.

Overexposure is the very heart of boredom, and one of the qualities that always made religious women so profoundly desirable and attractive was their ladylike demeanor and feminine grace. I remember how, at Oxford, whenever Orthodox Jewish girls would come to spend Shabbat with us, the secular Jewish male students were taken aback by how eye-catching they were, their comeliness lying in their off-limits mystique.

Indeed, the very soul of erotic attraction is what relationship experts call "the erotic barrier," the hurdles that a man must surmount in order to obtain a woman who is always just slightly outside his reach.

Jewish values must be restored to religious dating. The Orthodox community can no longer turn a blind eye to the growing artifice of the religious dating scene. Lectures on the Torah definition of feminine virtue should be made part of the yeshiva curriculum for marriage-age men to counter the growing effects of a TV and magazine culture that is increasingly marketing women as all cover and no book.

Rabbis should give sermons in synagogues that focus on religious men never punishing a woman who puts more time into developing her mind than choosing her clothes. And the women should make it clear to the men who date them that marriage is for adults and not for boys.

The writer's latest book, The Broken American Male, And How to Fix Him will be published next month. He has just launched a Jewish values-based initiative called "This World." www.shmuley.com

Teach your Husband a Lesson

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded. Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

I'll have what she's having ?

Women deserve better.

Women deserve better.

............

Don't be sidetracked. It's not about blaming men. If we allow anyone else to dictate our behavior, it's our fault not theirs. It's our responsibility, not theirs. That holds true for eager young boys, our female friends, colleagues and professors, feminist tomes and sometimes even our parents.

True empowerment is the ability to listen to and act on our own inner voice. True liberation is doing what's right and not being bound by societal pressures. True freedom is identifying with our eternal soul and not being confused by the voices of our temporary but very noisy bodies.

It's long past time for women to stand up for who we truly are. We deserve it.

Birth Control Pills ?

The Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her
life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all
the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young Doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as
he realized she had a prescription for Birth Control Pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control Pills?" "Yes, they
help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know
that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it with the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe
me, it helps me sleep at night."

YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS!!!! (smart old bird

3 SECONDS

IT TAKES 3 SECONDS TO SAY I LOVE YOU...

3 HOURS TO EXPLAIN IT...

AND A LIFETIME TO PROVE IT"!!

The serial dater ?

Inside the mind of a serial seducer.

Then this follow-up.

I found this fellow straightforward, and the women not getting it. Especially when they were trying to convince him that he was wrong about being honest!


The BIG question here is as follows;
Are people responsible for their own feelings when dating?
Do women have more false ideas on dates?
What are the women thinking when they are going up to his apartment?
When are women going to get it, that having sex before marriage is not going to guarantee them a spouse?
When are women going to stop this facade that they didn't only want sex?

Here is one comment I thought was educating;

This guy is having sex with other men's future wives and children's future moms. He is the opposite of true masculinity. He is not taking any responsibility for the emotional health of these women. He is using them for his own satisfaction. He has no back bone. No courage.

He is right in saying that a lot of people in America want novelty is sex. But true satisfaction in sex does not come with novelty. True satisfaction in sex comes from deep emotional intimacy. Novelty in sex only feeds a desire that will never be satisfied.
Danny Stiller, Dallas, TX (Sent Monday, December 10, 2007 11:47 AM

"NOW'ism" ?

.............Chasing delusions

A new ethos has taken hold in the West. It's called 'now-ism'. Overlaying the self-centered, serve me attitude that's been around since the '70s, people today have less patience and lower tolerance for shortcomings than in the past. Maybe it's our fast food, jet travel, instant messaging culture. We want the perfect date now, we want to fall in love immediately, and we don't want to expend a lot of effort getting to know a person's character, goals and values -- factors that greatly determine the long-term success of a relationship. ..........

What's with the MAGIC ?

Personal Experiences From Our Readers` Author: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis


Special Note: A few weeks ago, I published a letter from a single woman who was in conflict as to whether or not she should accept a marriage proposal from a man whom she described as “kind, smart, but nerdy”. Subsequently, I have received many letters from our readers who wrote of their own experiences. The following is just one of them:


Dear Rebbetzin:

First, I want to thank you for all your hard work and writings. I am a sixty-five year old Jewish woman, and although I am not a member of the Orthodox community, I love reading your column and advice to the people who write in because I find it so inspiring.

I felt the need to write because I empathize with the two “youngish” single women who have written recently. Both are confused as to whether to accept proposals from nice, religious men who are either “nerdy” or too slight of build. They say they don’t feel the “magic” they believe they are supposed to feel. Although I understand their dilemma, I laughed out loud at the incongruity of the situation. You see, I was once one of those youngish women, and now that I’ve had time to put things in perspective. I was really laughing at my former self.


I began dating in high school and always wanted to marry young and have a large family. I was slender, pretty and popular and I assumed that finding the man of my dreams would be easy. It wasn’t until my early twenties however, that I became committed to raising a Jewish family. At twenty-two, I thought I had met “the one”. He was older than me, an attorney, and Jewish. I thought the sun rose and set on him, and I felt more “magic” than they have in Disneyland. What more could one ask for? I spent five years hoping we’d marry, but he was afraid to make that commitment because his first marriage had been very traumatic. I wasn’t bitter toward him (after a while), and we remained good friends, but I had to move on and find the one with whom I could raise a family. I resumed dating, but the scene was much like the young woman described – the same singles going to endless parties until you could smell the desperation in the air. I compared everyone to my first boyfriend and none could compete. I was almost tempted to go back to him since he lived just a few blocks away.


So I left the East coast and moved to California at age twenty-nine. Here, people were less judgmental about my age or the fact that I was still single. However, finding marriage-minded Jewish men was not a simple task. Finally, I met Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach and joined the community of “hippies” who davened at the House of Love and Prayer in San Francisco. There was a synagogue on the first floor and two apartments upstairs – one for women and one for men. Anyone could “crash” (find a place to stay) here. Although Shlomo himself wasn’t there often, there were other rabbis who came to teach as well as countless young people who were visiting from Israel or other parts of the U.S. I never saw so many single Jewish men in one place. And they were looking for wives! I was sure I would find someone here....I watched as my new friends paired off and were married. Then the babies started to arrive. Of course, I was happy for everyone, but when would it be my turn? There were men I liked, but they didn’t like me in the same way. And there were men who liked me, but I just didn’t feel the “magic” or the “special connection” that Hollywood has trained young people in our society into thinking they should feel.


After I had lived in the community for two and a half years, many of its members moved to the East coast or to Israel and the House of Love and Prayer was closed.. I joined a Sephardic shul that had many young people in the congregation. I fell “head over heels” for a young man and we became engaged. Our wedding date was announced to the congregation and my fiancé provided a seudah. Finally, I thought – this was it by this time, I was thirty-three years old. However, it was not to be. I discovered that the young man had misrepresented some important facts about himself and our relationship deteriorated. I learned that I couldn’t trust him. How could I have been so gullible? I began blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why did my dream of a happy family life only happen to other people?

I’m a very determined person (okay - so I’m stubborn) and I couldn’t imagine giving up. So after a recuperation period and some therapy, I began dating again. I moved in with my best friend and her husband (I had introduced them) and their little daughter, so I didn’t feel so alone. My friend’s husband is a rabbi although he was employed in another field. He likes to give advice and I listened to him. He helped me see that some of my preconceived, romantic notions were causing me to overlook the good qualities in others. I began to realize that some qualities on my “must have” list weren’t important. Just in time, too, I was now thirty-seven years old.


A short time later, I met a young man at an organization where we were doing volunteer work. When I say young, I mean it! He was twenty five years old. He asked me to go out for coffee afterward. I only said yes because I had nothing planned that afternoon and didn’t feel like going straight home. I didn’t feel attracted to him – he was about two inches taller than me – too short in my opinion, and I knew he was younger than me. But he seemed eager and I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything if I were nice to him.


We went to a vegan restaurant and he offered to buy me lunch. We drank carrot juice and when my glass was empty he offered to get me a second. “He’s awfully nice”, I thought to myself. Then, he told me he’d had a crush on me for weeks! He asked me if I would go out with him. I thought his behavior was cute, and I was flattered that he liked me, but had decided never to date anyone younger because my previous boyfriend (the one to whom I’d been engaged) was younger than me. I wanted someone mature. He said, “Well if the age difference doesn’t matter to me, who should it matter to you?” I realized that my own obstinate notions could cause me to miss a great opportunity and I decided to get out of my own way and see what happened. What had I to lose? The worst thing that could happen was that I’d be disappointed, and I had already learned how to deal with that.

We began dating, and I told myself “I’ll just keep seeing him as long as things are going well and see what happens.” We got along very well and seemed to enjoy the same things and have the same values. We saw each other every day and on the 16th day, he asked me to marry him! I was taken aback at first, and told him I needed some time to think about it.


After a month, he asked me again. This time, I said “yes.” We were married six months later under a chuppah in Golden Gate Park. He wanted a large wedding so we invited about 300 people. My best friend was matron of honor and her husband, the rabbi, “gave me away” because my parents couldn`t attend. Their little daughter was the flower girl. What a joyous day it was!


Today, we`ve been married 27 years and have a 24-year-old son (born when I was 40). We are retired and our son is about to graduate from a prestigious university. We`ve had our “ups and downs” but have never forgotten our commitment to support each other. Of course, the things that were “wrong” with my sweet husband are still there - his neck is short, he is short, his grammar and spelling are bad, he eats too fast, - should I go on? But what does all that matter, when we are so happy together?


Rebbetzin, I hope you will forward this letter to those two young women who wrote you. You can publish it if you want to (although it`s rather long). Even though I`m from outside your community, I want to share my odyssey with others in the hope it will help some one see clearly when faced with this decision. I feel this is a situation many young people struggle with because the media has influenced us - even subconsciously- to value things that, in the long run, don`t really matter.

“You know me, You already turned me down” (No longer in BMG, Had to go to work).

Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Crying For The Older Bochrim)
December 5, 2007
Dear Yeshivaworld,

I am writing as do many others, for the sole purpose of “venting”.

We read on a weekly basis in the Yated about the sad plight of older single girls who supposedly cry themselves to sleep at night because nobody wants them.

I feel it’s about time the older single guys such as myself get our chance.

Why don’t they realize that they haven’t just graduated seminary? As 20 year-olds they had a right to be picky. They were probably too picky and turned down their best chances. I recommend reading the new “Mountain Climbers” book. There are two stories about girls who didn’t necessarily get what the wanted, THEY MADE IT WORK! That’s all it takes.

Remember, the only person who thinks just like you, has the same opinions as you, and wants the same exact things that you do, is the person you see in the mirror on a daily basis. She has everything backwards!

Signed,

“You know me, You already turned me down” (No longer in BMG, Had to go to work).

How a true shadchun works

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case - ok"

Next: Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case - ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case - ok"

Moral: Even if you have nothing, you can make things happen.

What is the correct advice ?

What's your choice?

A Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Scrabble

I have received this email:
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR'S SPEECH

The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before

I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ..
"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.

When they reached the Promised Land, the people had became very thirsty and needed
water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts'
content.

"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dived into the cool waters.
When Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen.
'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."

MARRIAGE: DESTINY OR CHANCE

Who is the Ultimate Matchmaker? By Simon Jacobson
Is marriage predestined or dependent on your efforts?

On one hand, we hear of the idea that a person's spouse is bashert, meaning preordained by the guiding hand of G-d. But this belief raises many questions. Does everyone have a bashert? If yes, why is it so difficult to find one’s mate, and why do many never succeed? Is bashert an inevitable absolute, or are there exceptions? We also hear about the need to exert efforts (hishtadlut) in finding a soul mate: If a match is predetermined by Divine decree, to what extent a role does human effort and decision making play in the process?

Who is the ultimate matchmaker – G-d or man?

Marriage is a primary theme in the current Torah portions. First – Isaac’s marriage, described in elaborate detail, how Abraham sent his servant to find a bride for Isaac, concluding with Rebecca meeting and marrying Isaac. Then, last week’s portion, which closes with Isaac and Rebecca instructing Jacob to go search for his bride. And this week’s portion elaborates on Jacob’s journey, search and painstaking process of discovering his soul mate, and finally building his family in Charan.

From these episodes we derive many important lessons about love and marriage – relevant today more than ever.

One of the lessons discussions revolves around the nature of love and the mystery of matching couples.

In context of Jacob leaving Beersheba (the opening of this week’s portion) in order to find a wife – the Midrash states (1): “A person’s marriage partner originates from no one else but G-d,” and cites sources in all three section of Tanach. “Sometimes a man goes to his designated mate (as it was with Jacob); sometimes his designated mate comes to him (as it was with Isaac).”

The Midrash then continues (2):

Rabbi Yehudah bar Simon opened [with the verse] “G-d sets the solitary into a family” (3).

A Roman matron asked Rabbi Yosei bar Chalafta: “In how many days did G-d create His world?”

“In six days,” he replied.

“And what has He been doing ever since?” she asked.

“G-d sits and matches couples,” Rabbi Yosei told her.

“Is this G-d’s occupation?” she asked derisively, “I could do that too! I possess a great number of men servants and maid servants and would be able to pair all of them off in one hour!”

“You may think it is easy, but for G-d, it is as difficult as parting the Red Sea,” he said

After Rabbi Yosei left, the matron formed rows of her men servants and maid servants, a thousand in each row, and said to them, “This man shall marry this woman,” pairing them off as she walked down the line for the night.

But when they returned to work the next morning, one had an injured head, one was missing an eye and one had a broken foot.

“What is going on here?” the matron asked.

“I don’t want this one [for a partner],” they all said. She saying “I will not take him,” he saying “I will not take her.”

She sent for RabbiYosei and told him, “There is no G-d like your G-d. When you explained to me that G-d is busy making matches, you spoke wisely.”

The Talmud echoes this belief by stating that before a person is born G-d designates his and her mate: “A heavenly voice emerges and calls out ‘this woman to this man.’”

On the other hand, the Talmud states that “a man and woman are paired to each other based on their merits (4).

How do we reconcile these two positions: Is marriage designated by Divine decree or is it based on a person’s deeds and merits? Two answers are offered: One particular Talmud explains that the “first pairing” is by divine decree while the “second pairing” is based on a person’s merits (5). And this is why “their pairing is difficult like the parting of the sea,” because a match based on merits requires special effort to unite two people who were initially not naturally compatible (6). Another Talmud suggests a different answer: Though a natural match is initially made in heaven, human intervention – prayer – can override and change the Divine decree (even regarding the “first pairing”). Thus, “It is permitted to betroth a woman on Chol Hamoed because perhaps someone else will take her before him” due to his prayer’s overriding the divine decree (7).

However, these Talmudic statements require explanation. Indeed, opinions differ in the meaning of our Sages’ approach to the matchmaking process. Even the phrase “first pairing” and “second pairing” is subject to several interpretations: Does it mean first and second marriage, or as others argue, “first pairing” is the Divine pre-ordained match and “second pairing” is the one determined by merits.

Here is a summary of the various perspectives and opinions how much human intervention plays a role in match making, ranging from one extreme to the next. (8)

1) The Divine decree pre-designates who will marry whom. Human prayer and merit can only help expedite and ease the process (and another's prayer can delay it for a while). (9) When the time to marry arrives, the soul mates will meet without undue strain or difficulty.

2) Prayer can nullify the edict entirely, and the person will find a new soul mate (one that was not decreed before birth). (10)

3) Every one has the free will whether to marry or not, but once the choice is made to marry, the mate will be the one designated in heaven (through supplications for mercy, another person may marry her first, but their marriage will be temporary). (11)

4) The Heavenly voice is not a decree, but merely reflects the soulmates natural compatibility. Their inherent nature predisposes them – and makes it easier – to choose each other. But they do so out of free choice; they are guided by G-d to meet each other based on their merits, not by pre-ordained decree. (12)

5) All marriages are dependent on a person's deeds. The Divine voice refers to the power to unite matter and form, the soul and the body. (13)

6) According (14) to the writings of the AriZal (15), the first time a soul descends to the world, “a Heavenly voice emerges and decrees: “The daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so.” When the time for marriage arrives, the opportunity is immediately granted without strain or difficulty. [Until that time, it is possible that she will be the wife of another man, as was the case with Uriah and Batsheva (16)]. Sometimes, however, one does not merit and fails to marry his intended. [In that instance, another who does not have a mate designated for him may supersede him through his appeals for mercy (17)]. Nevertheless, he is granted a spouse appropriate to his deeds.

At times, the soul will undergo a transformation (from bad to good or the opposite) and will forfeit the intended mate and marry another spouse, for he is no longer the same soul. At times, the soul will reincarnate so that he can marry his intended. At times, he will reincarnate for other reasons, but because he possesses many merits, his intended is also made to reincarnate with him. Nevertheless, since he sinned and was forced to reincarnate, there are forces that oppose him and prevent him from bringing about that marriage. This is implied by the statement: “Bringing [marriage partners] together is as difficult as parting the Red Sea” (18).

If a person's intended does not reincarnate, he is coupled with a female reincarnated soul that also does not have a partner in this incarnation. Therefore it is very difficult to bring them together since they have a different nature (19). The woman must, however, be compatible with him at their source (20). There are some opinions which maintain that if the intended is not forced to reincarnate, the man takes a wife according to his efforts (21).

So, are matches made in heaven or on earth? The answer is both. Like everything in life, we are partners with G-d in creation. The Divine sends each soul off on its’ unique journey through life, and designates which soul belong with another. But we humans, through our choices and actions, can change the course for the better (and also, sadly, for the worse).

G-d created His world in six days. “And what has He been doing ever since? G-d sits and matches couples.” Couples both in the literal sense: creating partners in marriage, and also couples in the broader sense: creating fusion and unity in a pluralistic, fragmented, universe.

Today we do not need to be reminded how difficult it is to create and maintain healthy marriages. Some feel that it is even more difficult than parting the sea. Yet, we have in Jacob’s hard earned search for a spouse a formidable lesson in overcoming the challenge of building lasting relationships

History is the best teacher: Despite Jacob’s harsh challenges – laboring twenty years (!) for his corrupt and cruel uncle and father-in-law, Laban; “by day I was consumed by the scorching heat, and at night by the frost, when sleep was snatched from my eyes” (22) – Jacob succeeded in building the best family that ever existed: The twelve tribes which would give birth to the Jewish nation, and perpetuate the most noble civilization that would forever change history, till this very day!

Jacob’s journey, directed by G-d, to find his wife and build a family teaches, inspires and empowers each of us in our own journey to find our soul mate. As difficult as your search for a soulmate may be, know and know well that G-d’s primary involvement is in “making matches.” And just as He orchestrated and guided Jacob (and earlier, Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage) and the millions of marriages that followed – without which we would not exist today – G-d continues to busy Himself with making matches today.

But G-d’s efforts require our partnership. Through our virtue and prayer, by being better people, we engage G-d in the mysterious – and arduous – process of joining souls together, in one beautiful dance that ripples through the cosmos and transforms the world and all those around us.

--------
1) Bereishis Rabba 68:3.
2) 68:4. For an eloquent explanation of this Midrash – see Sefer HaLikkutim (Arizal) in this week’s portion.
3) Pslams 68:7.
4) Sotah 2a.
5) Sotah ibid. Sanhedrin 22a.
6) Rashi Sotah ibid. Sefer HaLikkutim ibid.
7) Moed Kattan 18b.
8) The following is adapted from the Rebbe’s letter 23 Shvat 5707 (Igros Kodesh vol. 2 pp. 193). Here is an English translation.
9) See Sefer Chassidim sec. 383.
10) Rashi's commentary to Rabbeinu Yitzchak Alfasi's gloss to Moed Katan ibid. This is evident from the fact that he does not explicitly state that the nullification is only temporary. This is also reflected by the statement of Tosafos, Sanhedrin 22a, who draw a parallel to prayer that has the power to transform a fetus from a male to a female. It is also apparent that this is the approach of the Tzemach Tzedek in his Chiddushim to the Talmud, Moed Katan.
11) Tashbetz, Vol. II, responsum 1.
12) Rambam, ch. 8, of his Shemoneh Perakim. See also his responsa, responsum 159.
13) Akeidah, Shaar 8 and Shaar 22.
14) Translated from the letter in the previous footnote.
15) A portion of them are cited by the Yaavetz in his gloss to Sotah 2a.
16) Zohar I, 73b.
17) Zohar I, 91b, 229a, quoted in Midrash Talpios, anaf zivug.
18) Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8 and Hakdamah 20; Sefer HaGilgulim, ch. 13; Likkutei Torah and Sefer HaLikkutim, Tehillim, ch. 48.
19) Sefer HaLikkutim in footnote 5. This is the meaning that “G-d sits and makes matches:” G-d “sitting” is a metaphor for the Divine “descent,” a “difficult” process, to create matches even amongst (initially) incompatible individuals, using the tools of nature, without disrupting the natural balance of existence.
20) Sefer HaGilgulim, loc. cit.
21) The gloss of B'nei Aharon to Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8, in the name of the elder Rabbis who cited the teaching in the name of the AriZal.
22) This week’s portion – Genesis 31:40.

The wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

[I love this part....]





"Only when he's been drinking."

caught in a terrible blizzard

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

MEN and WOMEN..............

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even
before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting
like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.

"Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!

Jail Time for 80 Year Old Wife

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

The New Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Classic: Books which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Why the dating scene is tough ?

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
========================

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and Always falls over on its right side

When intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)

5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the
next four days and the same thing happens On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in h is life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass
is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Gays-R-US ?

Nobody tells what to do

The greatest thing that happened to me

Do you have a quarter ?

She's female ?

Combine marriage.. ... ?

I'd really rather have a job

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just hate drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.'

'You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.'

'You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're Bull-shittin' me!'

The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'

15 Laws For Women To Live By

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your husband walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

I never get a day off

Would you or would we ?

Just talk ?

We never disuss things ?????

shiduch rejects

Shiduch Committee discussion:

There's Avrohom Avinu: He seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind. next.

Yitzchak Avinu: Well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and his half brother is an Arab.

Yaakov Avinu: His great-grandfather made idols, his brother went off the derech, his mother comes from a very treyfe family and he wasn't shomer negiah with Rachel Imeinu before they were married and he spent a lot of time with his uncle, who's mammesh a rasha.

Yosef HaTzaddik: His mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him. There must be something in that. You know where there's smoke there's fire. And with all the issues with Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak and Yaakov Avinu, better not.

Moshe Rabbeinu: Oy, what a maaseh! His parents separated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim; not our kind for sure. He may be close to Hashem but his background is so problematic we wouldn't want him in our family!

Dovid HaMelech: Descendants from a geyoret, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with more Jewish background.

Shlomo HaMelech: See above. Also, his mother's marriage was a little dubious, don't you think? He is rich though but the yichus and family background is very tricky.

2nd opinion ?

The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news
is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Joe
was shocked and depressed. He wondered
if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When
he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need.. a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit. The elderly
tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor
said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know" Been in
the business 60 years." Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and
said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I
got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his
head, "You can't wear a size34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. "

New suit - $ 400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

You don't know a woman until .............

3 little words ?

How depressing is it getting out there?

: )

Concerned about his health ?

How do you feel?

I begged you ?

U have a lovely smile ?

ONE lame excuse

When to smile ?

Picking up the check?

In common?

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Pu blic places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '.'

$20.00 says you're gonna read this again!

What am I doing wrong?

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST

What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.


Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to
the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.

In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades Ineed an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Dear Tide:

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Bugs over me?

kiss me like u mean it ?

Running away from love and/or hate ?

people just can't learn to get along ?

we never agree on anything

Mothers ?

Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"

Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."

Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."

Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "

Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody's and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "

Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."

Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing,I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."

Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"

Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."

Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "

Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"

Jewish Mother : "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "

Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "

Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him
immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."

Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? "
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"

Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

SBF seeks male companionship

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....



Over 15,000 men ended up talking to the Atlanta Humane Society who was trying to find a home for a black Labrador named Daisy

Are your minutes ticking?

IMHO it seems that nowadays everyone tells the Shadchun "they have all the time in the world and why settle"?

To friends and at home the tears and madness are getting worse.

No sense to me whatsoever.

Then again, what and who does make sense nowadays?

"Talking Dog For Sale."

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros." the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

Sweet dreams?

Mixed signals?

Life minutes?

After being married for 44 years.............

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

A disturbed reader. ????

Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (From Chasunah To Foreclosure)

Dear Editor, My neighbor, Simcha, married off his daughter about six months ago. I went to the Chasuna which was in one of the wedding halls in the neighborhood. The ballroom was set up for the hundreds of guests. Simcha's daughters looked beautiful in their stunning gowns, the food was excellent and the music was very leibidig. Another beautiful Jewish Wedding.

I sat down as they served the chicken, and as I was about to taste the food, I looked at my friend Bentzi to my right. He also looked quite sick to his stomach. It wasn't that Simcha owed each of us thousands of dollars with no way of paying it back. That wasn't the problem at all.

The problem was that Simcha borrowed to pay the caterer, but he paid with his sholom bayis out of his pocket. The money for the beautiful clothing was not his, but the sleepless nights were his. The band was paid by someone else, but he paid with his own health. The guy who lent him for the photographer will never get paid back, but his children paid with suffering of their own.

Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow his HOUSE is up for AUCTION since it has been in foreclosure for four months! (Every single detail in this story is true).

Are we totally out of our minds? Are we crazy? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Please tell me how we can fix this way of life that we are all being sucked into?

A disturbed reader.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/index.php?p=9628