Sunday, December 25, 2005

What I want in a man

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
1. Breathing--

Monday, December 19, 2005

Unholy undies adorn rabbi's tomb

Got this story in email-

Hundreds of young Israeli women looking for husbands have been placing their underwear on the tomb of a venerated rabbi in the hopes that their marriage prayers will be answered.

Authorities have collected around 400 pairs of knickers and bras from the grilles of the tomb's window and on nearby trees, the Maariv daily has reported.

According to Jewish tradition, anyone who is unmarried will meet their soul mate and marry within a year if they visit the final resting place of Rabbi Yenothan Ben Uziel in northern Israel.

But Rabbi Israel Deri, who is in charge of protecting holy sites in the north, has told the newspaper the women's prayers will go unanswered.

"Having consulted with the chief rabbis, I can say with certainty that not only are these women guilty of a profanity but they will also never gain benediction," he said.
- AFP
charged with preserving the final resting place of Rabbi Yenothan Ben Uziel in the Amuka region of northern Israel, the Maariv daily reported on Sunday.


What were these women thinking? There must be a positive side to this. Can anyone help me out here?

Smart shopping to find guy




I got a kick of this. It shows what focus can achieve

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Do good looks guarantee anything?

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "G-d".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" G-d said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" G-d said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OOPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and G-d tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet G-d and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks later, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone has ever seen.

"How did you get so lucky and get such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!


Is this a joke? Is it not the real thing here and now?

Most of the good looking men and women do not seem to be matching up. When they do, very few are truly humble and happy with what they have.

What makes today's times different is that many people think they can choose today more than once upon a time. They think that one can "click" on matches suggested to them and the match will be there begging. They think there are endless handsome men and/or gorgeous women lined up waiting just for them. They are mad at us matchmakers why we are not banging down the doors 24/7.

In all reality, women who are above average weight do not have a fighting chance. Even the above average weight men want only thin women.

What are we supposed to tell these "above average weight" women?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS -- AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER!

(got this story from email)

Friday December 9, 2005

By Grace Green

MARSEILLES, France -- Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach -- and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around -- and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it -- and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street -- and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole -- who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb -- while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

"Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said flabbergasted Daniel.

"The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls.

"She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic.

"The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach -- and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her.

"As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.

"I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul -- Nicole's husband of 27 years -- wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.


I've had people posting pictures that are from their younger years on the dating-matching sites, but this one is outta here.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

marriage and sports



It seems that there are actually many marriages brought into marriage.

One thing Men bring in is sports. Now women are not against it, but it’s the timing and the amount of time spent that puts the marriage out of whack plenty.

What is the other side of the story?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Will the world become Chasidic?

The Newest Kind of Infidelity

Hold the sex! With emotional infidelity, all it takes to cheat is a close friendship.

If you're married and you share secrets with a close friend of the opposite sex or go out for drinks after work, you are guilty of emotional infidelity. That's the controversial verdict from M. Gary Neuman, a Miami Beach, Fla., therapist and author of the new book, "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship."

His words are blunt: You can't have an intimate relationship at work and still have a great relationship at home. Even if there is no sex, he claims that any sort of male-female friendship outside of marriage is adultery. Period.

Those are frightening words. With the long and intense work hours so many regularly endure, close friendships at work with people of both genders are typically the norm. Neuman's advice is simple and direct: Back off. He told The Baltimore Sun, "My message is that if you want to infuse passion and have a buddy for the rest of your life, you have to keep that emotional content in your marriage. Otherwise, it's not going to happen."

His views may be extreme, but even his critics--and there are many--acknowledge that his central premise that friendships between members of the opposite sex can harm marriages is probably valid. Author and infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, told the Sun that office friendships are a big concern. "Many love affairs begin just that way."

How many of us cheat? About 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women admit to having had a sexual affair, according to the University of Chicago. Glass just shakes her head at those numbers. They're far too low in her opinion. It's more like 40 to 50 percent of men and 25 percent of women, according to her calculations.

But those numbers are for people who have committed sexual infidelity. What about emotional infidelity? How common is that? Glass says it's likely in the 55 to 65 percent range, and the numbers are growing. She told the Sun that in her opinion three things must first happen before it qualifies as infidelity:

Emotional intimacy that is greater than in the marriage

Sexual tension

Secrecy
"Friendship becomes a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage or takes place outside a marriage," Glass told Sun reporter Peter Jensen. Still, Neuman contends that any close friendship can be a problem for a marriage. "If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you're still shortchanging your spouse," he says, calling the workplace Ground Zero for emotional infidelity. As many as 73 percent of sexual affairs get started in the cubicles and copy rooms of America, not to mention during lunch, drinks after work, business trips, and team building retreats.
"We have hard and fast decisions to make," he told the Sun. "What's the most meaningful thing in your life? We can't fool ourselves into thinking we can have these intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home."

10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

1.Keep it all business in the office.

2.Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.

3.Meet in groups.

4.Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.

5.Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.

6.Don't share your personal feelings.

7.Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

8.Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.

9.Don't drink around the opposite sex.

10.Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

Source: "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship," by M. Gary Neuman


Talk about going full circle. From the '60s of free sex and open relationships to "Be unflinchingly honest with yourself"? Is this guy for real?

Friday, December 09, 2005

Is the dating scene like a "blonde" joke?

Here is one of the classic "blonde" jokes.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


I find that most of the people in the dating scene are looking for the "alligator shoes". And it seems just like one "blonde" joke.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Forty-five years of misery is enough !

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT! getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get here. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife." Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Pesach and paying their own airfares."

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Popularity

Here is a clear Chicken Soup story about being popular.

Blizzards and Sweater Vests By Ester Sooter, Age 16

While in middle school, students seem to have one goal: to be popular. More than anything, most of the students fervently hope to not be accused of going against the grain. These young teenagers would much rather conform and be accepted by the "in" crowd than focus on finding their own identity, style or path. Like most thirteen-year-olds, I succumbed to this need to fit in. One afternoon, however, I had a conversation with my father that made me think twice about following the rest of the lemmings over the proverbial cliff.
My dad and I were sitting in the dining area of the local Dairy Queen eating Blizzards on a dreary winter afternoon. We had run the gambit of usual conversation topics: school, orchestra, my plans for the weekend. Then, and I'm not quite sure how the discussion began, we started talking about popularity. I told him that I wanted to be popular, or at least accepted favorably by those who were. He looked at me and asked me why I felt that way. I shrugged my shoulders and looked back into my drink. I had never stopped to think about why I felt the need to fit in . . . I simply did. I had been told by my friends that I should want to be popular, and since I had always trusted them, I was inclined to believe them.
My father proceeded to tell me a story from his college days. His mother, my grandmother Lorraine, had made him several sweater vests to wear at school. These sweater vests were practical and comfortable, but hardly "in style." Nevertheless, they became a staple of my father's wardrobe. He didn't care that he wasn't sporting the latest fashion. In fact, he didn't care what everyone thought of him, either. I was shocked. What was even more surprising was that after a few weeks, other students at my dad's school began wearing sweater vests. By deviating from the norm, my father had started a trend. What he wore became fashionable because the other students saw the confidence with which he dressed.
This information was a lot for a thirteen-year-old girl to process, especially one who had been carefully taught about what was "cool" and what was most certainly not cool. I found it hard to believe that going against the grain could have benefits for me, so I continued to wear the same clothes, listen to the same music and go to the same places that my peers did. Surely my father was mistaken. This is also, of course, the stage in which children think they know infinitely more than their parents. I had not yet seen the light, and I continued on my quest for popularity. However, our conversation that bleak winter day replayed over and over in my mind.
As the days passed and I mulled it over, I realized that my father's words might have some validity after all. I began to evaluate my wardrobe to find which items I had bought because they were cool and which items I'd bought because I truly liked them. I also looked back at my actions, attempting to determine how many of them I performed to please the crowd and how many of them I performed because I actually enjoyed them. I found myself caring less and less what people thought about me. It was wonderfully liberating.
I have come a long way since middle school. It no longer bothers me that those who still feel compelled to follow the herd do not accept me as one of their own. I do not strive to dress in the latest fashions; if anything, I attempt to create my own. The conversation I had with my father about wearing sweater vests and feeling the need to fit in sparked in me the desire to deviate from the beaten path and form one of my own. I have learned a valuable lesson in the process: Swimming against the current can only make me stronger.

Reprinted by permission of Ester Sooter (c) 2003 from Chicken Soup for the Soul Real Deal: School by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen,. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved.


What struck me is that I see that this is continuing in the dating scene. It is shocking how many dates decline because "what are my friends going to say?”

When I ask who is your dating mentor, guess what, most answer, my friends! Now how truly objective are the friends?

I also got a thought for the day email, which reads, "If brains were taxed, most people would get a rebate.” Kind of sums up a Shadchun's feeling many times.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Afraid of love or just totally ignorant?



As a shadchun the buzz words "no chemistry" keeps coming up.

Amazingly to me, people actually are looking for "chemistry" from pictures.

hmmmmmm. ok . Maybe I'm just hungry.

: )

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Three wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.



















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Creating Space for Love

True love requires accepting someone for who they are, without projecting our dreams and fantasies upon them.

A relationship of dominance does not express love. Judaism teaches that love is making a space within yourself for another and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they experience the power and miracle of true love.

So how does all this fit with the well known verse in the Torah stating that "He will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16). Is this not the very source and justification for man's dominance over woman? The answer is, "No, on the contrary." The Torah is telling us that this is a curse, not the norm, and not the ideal to strive for. We are responsible to nullify this curse, just as modern technology in agriculture is nullifying the curse of "cursed is the ground for your sake... thorns and thistles shall it bring forth to you... by the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread."

We see how the curse of male dominance was nullified in the loving relationships of all the Jewish Patriarchs and Matriarchs.

God tells Abraham: "All that Sarah has said to you, hearken to her voice" (Genesis 21:12). The Oral tradition teaches that this verse indicates that Sarah's prophetic sense was stronger than Abraham's. Rebecca too, could hardly be described as subordinate to her husband Isaac. It was Rebecca who courageously coaxed her son Jacob into disguising himself as his manipulative brother Esau and coming before blind Isaac to get the blessing. Rebecca had the insight to know that it was truly Jacob who deserved the blessings, and she needed to orchestrate this play in order to help Isaac realize the sad truth regarding Esau's manipulation.

We also find that when Jacob wanted to move out of his father-in-law's house, he needed to earnestly seek the agreement of his wives Rachel and Leah. He was not willing to implement a decision without their opinion and consent.

A student of mine, while she was dating, had an encounter with a fellow who took the curse of male dominance as an ideal standard for a relationship. On the first date, he asked her, "Do you like to cook?"

She said, "No, I hate it."

"Well," he said, "do you like to clean?"

"No!"

"What about laundry?"

"Absolutely not."

She saw that her answers were shocking him, so she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Is this a job interview?"

It was clear the guy wasn't looking for a wife, but for a housekeeper. Women tend to make the same mistake by asking about the man's money making status and how good are his chances for advancements.

So Who are We Looking For?

In the very opening sentences of the Torah we are told that the first human being was created in God's own image. And what was that image? The first human being was actually a man and a woman -- a single entity that included the two sexes. "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them" (Genesis 1:27).

In this union of male and female, in this oneness of opposites, the first human being reflected the image of God -- a oneness that includes otherness and yet remains one.

This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of God; an individual in unity with another individual does. So until an individual makes a space to include another, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of God.

The Torah records that after the human being was created, God said: "It is not good for man to be alone."

God determines that the human being needs "a helper," but it is a while before Eve is created. Instead, all the birds and animals are created and the human being is asked to name them. At the conclusion of which, the Torah tells us that he did not find a helpmate.

What does naming the creatures have to do with finding a helpmate?

The Midrash explains that God was playing matchmaker. God was fixing up the first human being with all the animals in the garden. And Adam was going out on dates. Well, imagine Adam standing there in the lobby of the Paradise Hotel. He is waiting anxiously and who walks in but... "That's a... that's an... elephant! Umm... this isn't going to work, God."

Poor Adam. He was surrounded by all these animals but he wasn't happy. Now why couldn't he be happy with an attractive giraffe or a cute little chicken? Because an animal is subordinate to man; it's not his equal. In fact, Adam was commanded to "have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth" (Genesis 1:28). Adam cannot overcome his loneliness and find true love with a subordinate being over whom he rules.

The Torah is very clear in describing an appropriate spouse. God said, "I will make a fitting helper who is kenegdo" -- against him, opposite and parallel to him. In other words, God will create for him someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him and engage him on parallel ground.

An animal may be a great help to man in doing his work, but an animal cannot be the "significant other." You will not be ultimately satisfied in the quest for love unless it is with someone you acknowledge is your equal, and whose difference you respect.

Dating Realities

That's not to say that some insecure men would prefer not to be challenged. I have heard guys advise each other: "Get yourself a young girl, one you can mold." And yes, a man might find someone young and vulnerable and try to make this woman fit his ridiculous fantasy of a wife who considers him the lord and master. But he will only make his life harder as a result. He will have a very lonely existence, and he will sorely miss the engagement that a "helpmate kenegdo" would have provided, an engagement that is essential in the process of spiritual growth. All the sadder, because, in this way, he will deprive himself the opportunity of being the living manifestation of God expressed through the ability to love, making a space within himself to include a unique other.

In order to love, you need to withdraw yourself from the center and create a space for another in your life. Love starts only when you do that. In other words, if you are self-centered, you are not ready for love. If you are self-centered, you can't make enough space to nurture another. And true love is not only creating that space within your life for another, but also giving him or her that space and respecting and maintaining that space. It is being a part of another life and removed from that life at the same time.

Viva la Difference

Once we're able to withdraw ourselves from the center and create space for another, we must develop the keen sensitivity for just how uniquely different -- just how other -- our partners are. We tend to see what we have in common, and we tend to overlook the differences. When people say, "love is blind," this is what they mean.

But true love is not blind. True love is seeing -- seeing the differences, the otherness, the good and the bad. True love is seeing and still loving. In Hebrew, the verb "to see" is directly related to the verb "to respect." And that is what seeing with the eyes of true love means. True love requires that we see and accept and respect those we love for who they are, without projecting our dreams and fantasies upon them.

This is very hard, because we tend to want to fit those we love into our imaginary pictures of love. And if they don't quite fit, we want to alter them to fit.

But if we succeed in seeing not just what we have in common with those we love, but what makes us different, and if we appreciate and honor those differences, then we can take the next step toward giving of ourselves to that person. And simultaneously we must enable our partners to do the same for us, which means allowing them to make a space in their lives for us, allowing them to acknowledge our otherness, allowing them to give of themselves to us.

Excerpted from Rabbi Aaron's book, "Endless Light".


This article can also be read at: http://www.aish.com/dating/wisdom/Creating_Space_for_Love.asp

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Why do husbands not want to come home?




A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening
just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the
evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and
heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact,
three doctors are there already!"


------------------------------------
The cartoon above and the joke illustrate the reality of many marriages.

As the saying goes, "it takes two to tangle.”

There is no doubt that the blame, seeming always one sided especially to the parties themselves, is if looked upon honestly, and objectively, is truly on both.

What I find now, as a shadchun more than ever before, is that this "truth" is becoming a sizeable chunk of the reason why the dating scene is so frustrating.

People are seeking someone who will continue to grow, and most people will not.
People are realizing more than ever before that they will not change their spouses.
To sum it all up, after this picture emerges in many minds, despair and hopelessness sets.

Aside from the truly religious who marry mostly for procreation of the Jewish people and that is the prime and only reason, no matter what the cost, I, as a shadchun do not see where the rest of the Jewish people are going to get.

Hashem help and enlighten us all.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Looking for your soulmate ?

Love at First Math
by Martin M. Bodek

There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.

3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels, seraphim, aliens, creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends. That leaves 6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date!

Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you can pick from.

Of the 13,000,000 Jews available, 50% are not quite the gender you're looking for, that leaves 6,500,000.

Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate 2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.

There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians, and Young Israelites. Since no one should be dating outside of their category - lest they suffer from community gossip - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves 240,740 people.

4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds, transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent. 48,148 left over.

3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037 people.

2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50 miles away. That leaves 4,012 people.

Of those, half are waiting for love to find them, they can wait.

That leaves 2,006 people. 6 Jews are too cheap to pay the tolls. Of the 2,000 people left over, you will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them to you. 500 people are left over.

Let's assume that 500 is the maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever go out with; 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with; 50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told them not to go out with you; 50 you won't go out with because some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them; 40 are too reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli; 40 aren't Reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli ENOUGH, and 20 simply give your mother a "bad vibe." That leaves 200.

Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person will ever date. Of these 200, 4/10ths will reject you, and you'll never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason. That leaves 100.

Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude, 10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to, 10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered, 10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't approve of. That leaves 10.

Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with, 1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue. That leaves your bashert.

Friday, November 11, 2005

BEAUTY OR THE BEAST REVISITED - ON A LIGHTER NOTE!

( got this email )

Setting: Boy and friend on one side of stage

Girl and friend on other side of stage : both sit in front of computer screens in their homes.


Boys side of table
B :Hey Jared Dude- take a look at this girl's picture on JDating Website, dude she is a total babe!!
J: Like Dude, she is a beautiful baby- totally send her an email dude, and let's go hit the keg, at that Jewish frat party
B: Totally Dude, but what should I write her? I mean she's a total hottie.
J: Dude - just say - wasssup baby how about you and I take a ride on the Jewish car of love.
B: Dude you're a genius: Dear (looks closer) "Fraydie613,"
J: Fraydie?
B: Yeah dude. Dear Fraydie613, you are certainly the sweetest thing on the internet. Do you want to take a ride in my jewish love car, there is nothing to be afraid of. (both laugh) heheheh


Girls side of table
F: Shani Shani! come quick, Boruch Hashem, I finally received an electronic message from that dating website your aunt put my picture on, I am so excitedI may just have to put on my shabbos suit and finish all of tehillim.
S: OH fraiyde - I am so happy for you! Perhaps, bezras Hashem this could perhaps be your.....
Bashert
F: Shani!
S: Whoopsy, Knanine Hurah!
F: Thats more like it Shani.
S: So, nu, what did this shtark boy have to say?
F: Well, he first called me very sweet, and asked me for a date, in his car! He said there was nothing to be afraid of. Such a Yiras Shamayim!!
S: He is perfect!
F: Wait till you see his picture. here, isn't he cute?
S: Oy veh! (she turns away) he is not wearing a shirt! Where are his tztizis? And no kippah!
F: Hello! Earth to Shani â?" isn't it obvious?
S: No.
F: it is a picture from the mikvah!! He's obviously very frum.
S: Fraydie - you are so right - dan l'kaf zechus.
F: (typing) Dear Brian, I certainly think you are sweet too and I would love to take a ride with you in your fancy car
S: Maybe you should ask him how frum he is?
F: Oh, You are right Shani (typing). Also do you want your wife to wear pants? Cause I do not wear pants. Let me know. Toodles. Fraydie


Back to Guys Side
B: Dude -
J: Yeah dude
B: Fraydie wrote back. I am the luckiest man alive!
J: Why Dude?
B: Read this, she doesn't wear pants! Dude
J: Huh?
B: Nothing Dude! She's a free spirit. Probably walks around without pants everywhere!
J: You are the Luckiest dude alive
B: (typing) Dear Fraydie, I'd like to meet you...As Soon As Humanly Possible. I've always dreamed of meeting a girl who doesn't wear pants. I give you credit â?" that's very bold of you. What other items of clothing do you not wear? Do you get cold? Where does someone like you like to go on dates? -Brian
F: Dear Brian. I will never wear a short skirt, and I can't stand tank tops or anything that is too tight. In my opinion, it is all disgusting. Where should we go? I feel a hotel lobby is always quickest and easiest -Fraydie
B: DUDE!
J: DUDE!
B: She wants me to take her straight to a hotel!
J DUDE!
B: This Internet dating website is amazing!
J: Ask her if she has a favorite hotel, you know.
B: ok: (types) Which Hotel?-----
F: My Rebbi and my father always tell me to go to the Marriot. It's the most public of the hotels, that way people can see us, watch us. And we'll have no problem of it being just us, you know, and no problem of yichud.
B: DUDE
J: DUDE
B: This is getting weird. Her dad and Rabbi told her what hotel to use! And she's not interested in it just being alone - this girl maybe too much for me to handle! And she mentioned someone named Yichud? Who is that?
J: Dude, I have no idea, but I like what I'm hearing...
B: Dude, maybe she doesn't wear pants either!
J: DUDE!
B: (typing) Dear Fraydie - the Marriot sounds good to me - and as far as I'm concerned, I like the sound of Yichud already! I'll make sure to bring my friend along. - Brian
F: Dear Brian, this is really sounding great. It's nice to know you are so frum that you would like to bring a friend along to not have a problem with yichud. You are very sweet and very frum, and I feel we already are connecting in ways I can only dream about. Let's go out tonight if possible. The more I think about it the more I feel - this really could be Bashert!!!
B: Dear Fraydie, I'm totally excited for this! In fact, a dude like myself has spent years dreaming of a night like this. Who knew Internet Dating could be so amazing. Send me your address asap and I'll be at your place with my friend Jared tonite at 8pm. So, no problem with Yichud. We'll head straight to the Marriot. My treat. No pants would be fantastic. This is really gonna be amazing. I can really feel it.
Oh, and one last thing .......
....... Who is Bashert, and does she need a date too?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Dating Insurance ?



Anyone got any ideas for dating insurance?

Actually as horrible as the dating scene is, the marriage scene is where one should rather seek insurance.

So what is marriage insurance? Any ideas?

Monday, November 07, 2005

Staying single happily ever after?



Why does it seem that people think that the reason to marry is once you are married, "you live happily ever after"? Moreover, since, nowadays, they cannot see that happening; they are not interested and would rather stay “single happily ever after”?

It seems the commercial world, and/or parents protecting their children from society, have produced a real fantasy world. High and unreal expectations are a minimum and a must.

Everyone is "complaining"!! You read it in the Jewish newspapers, magazines, blogs and, you name it.

The fault and blame are being thrown on the system, the parents, the shadchunim, and even on the boys and girls themselves.

Some are saying the boys are on drugs, the girls are anorexic or fat, and therefore there is fear on both sides of the aisle. Other reasons include, the boys and girls are either too frum or the opposite. There are endless reasons.

What about the good old reason of bringing up a Jewish generation and being good fathers and mothers?

We have come to believe that we can now have both worlds. Personally, I think one can have that if they realize the true earthly world and they have no expectations. However, if we take this world and paint it truly false, of course, the divorce rate will keep going up.

So who is really losing?

To be six again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again." She replied, still looking in the mirror..

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was to ride, she rode.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach was turned upside-down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie where she sipped a soda pop and munched happily on popcorn and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed, as she said, "I meant my dress size, you dumb-***!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is probably going to get it wrong.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Wine , Men and Women

Woman's quote:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's counter quote:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Men still don't get it?

Here is an old classic email story that I keep getting.


After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Who is the Boss in a marriage?



Another way the question is phrased and asked is, "who wears the pants?

Once upon a time, (and mostly still today,) men and/or women wore the pants. The "marriage" continued so until "death do us part".

There seems to be a significant "trend" today where if there is not a true partnership and one issues an ultimatum, the other just walks. Therefore the upward rate of divorce and the upward rate of single hood.

Man and women are not willing to be in a dictatorship relationship of marriage.

So, what is the Jewish way of marriage?

Contrary to what many who were "educated" either by the "system", parents and/or friends, Jewish marriage is a continuation of whatever was before marriage.

Before marriage, there are the Mitzvohs of loving your fellow Jew, no hating, no slandering, no loshen hora, no berating, etc. etc. . Nowhere is it mentioned that once one does the Mitzvah of marriage that all the other Mitzvahs between fellow Jews are dismissed. If anything, that is when it is most applicable. That is when it is truly is tested. That is when one sees what they are made of.

The fact that the commercial world has manifested the "ME" society has not helped either.

What is the answer?

True Torah education and/or knowledge, communication, and a "WE" society, most probably would be a good beginning.

Hashem yaazor

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Three New Polls

I added 3 new polls.

Please make sure to vote and check the enlightening results!

: )

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Scar

The Scar By Joanna Slan

His thumb softly rubbed the twisted flesh on my cheek. The plastic surgeon, a good fifteen years my senior, was a very attractive man. His masculinity and the intensity of his gaze seemed almost overpowering.
"Hmmm," he said quietly. "Are you a model?"
Is this a joke? Is he kidding? I asked myself, and I searched his handsome face for signs of mockery. No way would anyone ever confuse me with a fashion model. I was ugly. My mother casually referred to my sister as her pretty child. Anyone could see I was homely. After all, I had the scar to prove it.
The accident happened in fourth grade, when a neighbor boy picked up a hunk of concrete and heaved the mass through the side of my face. An emergency room doctor stitched together the shreds of skin, pulling cat-gut through the tattered outside of my face and then suturing the shards of flesh inside my mouth. For the rest of the year, a huge bandage from cheekbone to jaw covered the raised angry welt.
A few weeks after the accident, an eye exam revealed I was nearsighted. Above the ungainly bandage sat a big, thick pair of glasses. Around my head, a short fuzzy glob of curls stood out like mold growing on old bread. To save money, Mom had taken me to a beauty school where a student cut my hair. The overzealous girl hacked away cheerfully. Globs of hair piled up on the floor. By the time her instructor wandered over, the damage was done. A quick conference followed, and we were given a coupon for a free styling on our next visit.
"Well," sighed my father that evening, "you'll always be pretty to me," and he hesitated, "even if you aren't to the rest of the world."
Right. Thanks. As if I couldn't hear the taunts of the other kids at school. As if I couldn't see how different I looked from the little girls whom the teachers fawned over. As if I didn't occasionally catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. In a culture that values beauty, an ugly girl is an outcast. My looks caused me no end of pain. I sat in my room and sobbed every time my family watched a beauty pageant or a "talent" search show.
Eventually I decided that if I couldn't be pretty, I would at least be well-groomed. Over the course of years, I learned to style my hair, wear contact lenses and apply make-up. Watching what worked for other women, I learned to dress myself to best advantage. And now, I was engaged to be married. The scar, shrunken and faded with age, stood between me and a new life.
"Of course, I'm not a model," I replied with a small amount of indignation.
The plastic surgeon crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me appraisingly. "Then why are you concerned about this scar? If there is no professional reason to have it removed, what brought you here today?"
Suddenly he represented all the men I'd ever known. The eight boys who turned me down when I invited them to the girls-ask-boys dance. The sporadic dates I'd had in college. The parade of men who had ignored me since then. The man whose ring I wore on my left hand. My hand rose to my face. The scar confirmed it; I was ugly. The room swam before me as my eyes filled with tears.
The doctor pulled a rolling stool up next to me and sat down. His knees almost touched mine. His voice was low and soft.
"Let me tell you what I see. I see a beautiful woman. Not a perfect woman, but a beautiful woman. Lauren Hutton has a gap between her front teeth. Elizabeth Taylor has a tiny, tiny scar on her forehead," he almost whispered. Then he paused and handed me a mirror. "I think to myself how every remarkable woman has an imperfection, and I believe that imperfection makes her beauty more remarkable because it assures us she is human."
He pushed back the stool and stood up. "I won't touch it. Don't let anyone fool with your face. You are delightful just the way you are.
Beauty really does come from within a woman. Believe me. It is my business to know."
Then he left.
I turned to the face in the mirror. He was right. Somehow over the years, that ugly child had become a beautiful woman. Since that day in his office, as a woman who makes her living speaking before hundreds of people, I have been told many times by people of both sexes that I am beautiful. And, I know I am.
When I changed how I saw myself, others were forced to change how they saw me. The doctor didn't remove the scar on my face; he removed the scar on my heart.

Reprinted by permission of Joanna Slan (c) 1998 from A Second Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Jennifer Read Hawthorne and Marci Shimoff. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved.


I have read many heart warming stories and every once in a while there is one that comes along that is a "gem" .

This doctor was a gem of a human being. I wish I could meet him one day.

This is a story of which both men and women can benefit.

Hashem bless us all with true wisdom

My hope is

Monday, September 12, 2005

Don't marry a religious soldier?

The Internet site of the Arutz Sheva right-wing radio station announced a new trend Monday: Religious soldiers who participated in the evacuation are considered to have impaired their chances for a good match. A number of young women and their mothers said they would not consider marrying someone who had taken part in the operation.


Wow. I have not yet recovered from the whole situation there, but this really put a "new" twist to the tough already dating scene.

Hashem yaazor

Friday, September 02, 2005

One Flaw In Women

Got this email. I love this creativity out there.


By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

A woman's life - from a man's perspective

Got this email and it makes one wonder what are men really thinking out there?
----------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.






At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.








At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.








At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.









At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.






At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.







At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!








At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???










---------------------------------------------
Is this one of the reasons why marriages are failing? Is this one of the reasons divorce is up? Is this one of the reasons why fewer people one to get married?

Monday, August 22, 2005

What are our true hopes?



Once upon a time, the "media" consisted of our parents, friends, and culture. The same “media” in turn influenced them.

Today the media is the world. The influence instead of being positive has done the opposite. Not only are our parents, friends, and culture not our "media" anymore, but even they have been "influenced" by the world media. All this adds up to what?

How and what will turn around the future of dating and marriage?

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Perfectionism

Got this in my email.

A COUPLE I KNOW were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

All Thing Grow . . . with Love

All Thing Grow . . . with Love
By Joan Bramsch

I once taught in a small private school located within the charming confines of a three-story stone mansion. Each morning at nine o'clock all the students gathered in the Great Room for a metaphysical warm-up in preparation for the day. Fifty-three children, ranging in age from three to seven years, sat on child-sized colorful chairs or in sun-flooded patterns on the thick carpet. Each bright face was illuminated by positive thoughts and feelings as he or she eagerly anticipated the morning's songs, meditations and exploration into yet another metaphysical cranny of the mind.
One morning the headmistress made an announcement to all the children gathered. "Today we begin a great experiment of the mind, of your mind." She held up two small ivy plants, each potted in an identical container. "Here we have two plants," she continued. "Do they look the same?"
All the children nodded solemnly. So did I, for, in this way, I was also a child.
"We will give the plants the same amount of light, the same amount of water, but not the same amount of attention," she said. "Together we are going to see what will happen when we put one plant out in the kitchen, on the counter, away from our attention, and the other plant right here in this room on the mantel."
She placed one plant on the white wooden ledge, then led the children en masse to the kitchen where she sat the other plant on the white counter. Afterward she led the parade of wide-eyed youngsters back to their places in the Great Room.
"Each day for the next month, we shall sing to our plant on the mantel," she said. "We will tell it with words how much we love it, how beautiful it is. We will use our good minds to think good thoughts about this plant."
One of the smallest children jumped to her feet. "But, Ma'am, what about the plant out there?" She pointed a stubby finger toward the kitchen.
The headmistress smiled at all her charges. "We will use the kitchen plant as the 'control' in our great experiment. How do you think that will work?"
"We won't speak to it?"
"Not even a whisper."
"We won't send it good thoughts?"
"That's right. And then we'll see what happens."
Four weeks later my novice eyes were as wide and disbelieving as the children's. The kitchen plant was leggy and sick-looking, and it hadn't grown at all. But the Great Room plant, which had been sung to and swaddled in positive thoughts and words, had increased threefold in size with dark succulent leaves that fairly vibrated with energy when addressed with song, word or thought.
In order to prove the experiment - and also to dry the tears of the tender-hearted among us who feared for the life of the other plant - the kitchen ivy was rescued from its solitary confinement and brought to the Great Room to join the other ivy on the mantel, but at the opposite end.
Within three weeks, the second plant had caught up with the first ivy. Within four weeks, they could not be recognized, one from the other.
I took this lesson to heart and made it my own:
All things grow . . . with love.

Reprinted by permission of Joan Bramsch (c) 1980 from Chicken Soup for the Teacher's Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. In order to protect the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Subject: Bridal Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Friday, June 24, 2005

What is the purpose of marriage?

I do want to get into the question of "what is the purpose of life?” What I have found, though, is that we have to ponder other fundamental questions before we ponder the BIG question.

Over the years I have asked people, what are the TOP 3 reasons to get married? I was quite amazed that very few actually had an answer. From those that did answer, it totaled close to some 20 different reasons.

People who were already married I asked the same question, but I asked them what they were thinking before marriage and what are they thinking now since that have experienced marriage.

When I coach couples to be able to communicate and to understand how the other side thinks I would usually ask them to complete a list of the 10 items in the poll (plus some ) and then I would show them each the other’s answer and where the compare and differ. Most couples were quite surprised how in the dark they had been.

What I find today more than anytime in the history and existence of this creation that in this country the options and reasons are almost non-existent.

Hope, G"W, to more actively blog about this.

Wishing all a more "purpose" Shabbos

Friday, June 10, 2005

Finding your half is a revelation?

The Mishpacha family weekly has just concluded a 3 part series about the shiduch scene, which I would recommend to read.

I found this among other observations intriguing.

Regarding whether to use one's inner voice to guide one's decision, one shadchunit expressed it this way.

"The problem with the inner voice is that it only works if you're not clouded. If you're filled with baggage from the galus of Hollywood, your inner voice is muffled. You're not going to receive a clear message. Very few people hear a clear message.

"Finding your other half is not a decision. It's a revelation. And people shouldn't be rushed or pushed in the process. NO one should ever force a person to think a certain way. You need a person that you trust, to help uncover what you really feel inside, but the final decision about what you really feel is your own. "

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Everyone needs to truly start communicating



Here is an example of what the boy &/or girl tells the Shadchun, or what the boy tell the girl, or the girl tells the boy, or what an unqualified Shadchun will tell his/her clients, or what parents and friends to whomever and what the results will end up like.

Everyone needs to truly start communicating.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Dating & Shadchunim Now vs Once upon a time

I recently attended a Sasson V'Simcha seminar of "The art of Matchmaking and Mentoring" presented by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W., and Sherry Zimmerman, Esq. .

With all the knowledge and experience I have had, I found it to be immensely focused, educational, and up to date. My personal opinion is, any Shadchun or Mentor who does not attend such a seminar or equivalent (if there is one), is spinning their wheels at best, and who knows if they are not doing more harm than good.

There is no doubt that what the expectations and demands from Shadchunim and future spouses of even 5 years ago were and what they are today is like night and day.

The reasons are too many to post all at once, but I do hope to cover them, G"W, in the coming weeks.

One thing that stood out the most was the positive attitude needed, that they kept on emphasizing. You cannot blame anybody, and everyone needs education and chizuk (encouragement).

There are many good things going on in this shadcunim world, and my dream, even with all the great odds mounting, seems to be getting more colorful.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Emotional Adultery! Are You Cheating?

Emotional Adultery! Are You Cheating? Is Your Mate Cheating?
By Laura Snyder

The rules used to be so clear: you slept with someone else, you cheated. But now relationship experts are saying that emotional intimacy - with closeness, sexual chemistry and secrecy - is just as damaging to a relationship as sexual infidelity.

According to the late Shirley Glass, family therapist and author of Not 'Just Friends', the new infidelity is between people who - unwittingly - form deep connections with a friend before realizing things aren't so innocent.

It's called an 'emotional affair'. Are you having one? Is your partner?

Do you keep secrets from your spouse or partner?
Is your lover in the loop when you take your special friend out to lunch, or meet for drinks after work? If your answer includes the phrase, "but my partner just doesn't understand," it sounds like you've got something to hide.

Are you conversationally committed?
Is your mate telling you less about what's going on in his/her life?
Do you share more of the mundane details of your day with your friend than with your partner? Experts explain that sharing more of your life with someone other than your spouse is a way of withholding intimacy.

Do your chats cross the line?Is your partner very close with a particular friend?
Are you dishing details you wouldn't divulge your partner was around? Even more telling: are you talking about negative or intimate details of your love life with your friend? If it's your partner you suspect of cheating, ask yourself if it sound like he or she has a case of 'mentionitis' - the inability to carry on a conversation without including numerous references to a new pal, no matter how tenuous the link to subject matter?

Has your buddy list lengthened?
Is your partner catching up with old friends?
Are you meeting new friends on the Internet without your partner's knowledge? Has your sweetie mentioned getting back in touch with former flames? According to one report, more than one-third of romantic reunions begin when at least one of the people was already married; current research suggests that number may have doubled. Sure, you may not be looking for trouble, but that doesn't mean it won't find you on its own. That same study says half of those having such affairs said they had happy marriages and would never have cheated with someone other than the person from their past.

Friday, May 20, 2005

"He raped me", Drugs, Divorce and Infertility

A friend of mine, who is separated from his wife and kinderlech who live in Israel works out before Pesach visitation rights and travels to Israel to visit. All goes well until he is at the airport, after Pesach, on his way back and is arrested. His daughter claims he raped her.
With Hashem's help, things will be cleared up and he will be released, but meanwhile this game is becoming the norm. Separation and divorce have become reality shows.

Another friend’s wife has a mental breakdown after several children. Her parents immediately take to "her doctor", and it is revealed that she had a nervous breakdown while still a teenager. Her parents do not real care to help. The husband does not want to abandon or divorce her because he loves her and she is the mother of his kids. The girl's parents are trying to cover up that it is the husbands fault since he did not satisfy her in bed. The doctor says she has not complained anything against her husband just against her parents. It seems anytime the mother could not handle a situation she took Valium and gave her kids the same. The doctors claim that this is very normal today. Most people are on prescription drugs.

Another friend of mind is divorced and "swears" he will not get married again. One of his daughters as is now will never be able to have children. She is smart, caring, and pretty, etc. . Statistics out there claim that 1 out of 4, males and/or females, cannot reproduce. Most of the time this is not revealed to the future spouse.

I have read many new blogs who come out with their "kvetches" about infidelity, mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from parents, family, teachers, and the rest of the system.

So is it very cloudy out there? Is it possible to look above the clouds? Is it any wonder that the shidduch "system", which really includes everyone, is out of whack? Is it any wonder that more people who are stressed out do things "out of the norm"? Is it any wonder that the teenagers "become" at risk children? Is it any wonder that the divorce rate is inching up?

All withstanding, I continue to imagine and dream that although I am watching this all in slow motion, the future will be bright. The sunny days, G"W, are ahead of us.

I did get this clip from another friend who is attempting on a daily basis to put a light touch to the worlds "situations". I hope you enjoy it.

Wishing all a "true sunny days ahead" Shabbos

Friday, May 13, 2005

Imagine

Imagine a world where there is ;

a global network of qualified professional shadchunim

a database where one can choose which shadchun to deal with

a database where the qualified shadchun can access all the information about everyone

a database that will act like your driver's license record for yourself and the shadchun. if one doesn't cooperate and deal honestly and respectfully they will be told so and dealt accordingly

a system where everyone communicates with a final yes or final no

an pre-marriage education mandatory course

an after the marriage for 1 year mandatory follow up course and help if needed

a system where if one needs true financial "chasuna" money those who could help will be able to do so more easily and accountably

a shadchun will be able to match the compatible boy and girl with out fear of reluctant parents


It's possible

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Perception and Reality

As much as the Chareidi world wants to believe, the reality is different.

Police to ask for charges against chief rabbi's family is just reality, that nobody is immune to what is going on out there.

The internet is here to stay.

The information age is here to stay.

Either we start coming up with ideas or these headlines will become the norm.

Hashem Yaazor

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me a Match

Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me a Match (made aware to me by yingele, ty)
by Rabbi Maurice Lamm
"Marriages are made in heaven," but who are these people making matches on earth, and why have their played a pivotal role in Jewish history?


The story is told that a Roman matron once asked Rabbi Yosi: "How has your God been occupying his time since He finished the creation of the world?"

"He has been busy pairing couples," answered the Rabbi.

She was astonished. "Is that His trade? Even I can do that job. As many man-servants and maid-servants as I have, I can pair."

"Perhaps it is a simple matter in your eyes," replied the Rabbi. "For God, it is as intricate as the Splitting of the Sea."

She promptly placed one thousand man-servants opposite one thousand maidservants and declared, "He will marry her, she will marry him," and so on.

The next morning, two thousand servants came to her door, beaten and bruised, complaining, "I do not want her, I do not want him!"

She sent for Rabbi Yosi, and conceded: "Rabbi, your Torah is true."

THE ULTIMATE MATCHMAKER

The Talmud explains: Matchmaking was a simple matter in her eyes because she, unlike God, could not understand the fundamental differences in the human character that militate against one stranger being successfully matched with another.

There is no doubt, the Talmudic Sages conclude, that God Himself had to be the first and ultimate matchmaker. Who else could blend two disparate personalities so that they cleave together "as one flesh"? Did he not arrange the union of Adam and Eve?

This conclusion was so irresistible, that the rabbis wrote it down no fewer than five times in Midrashic literature: "Marriages are made in Heaven."

This is not a romantic American cliche, but a serious statement of predestination. God determines which people will unite successfully. Does not the Talmud say: "Forty days before the birth of a child, a heavenly voice proclaims: 'The daughter of so-and-so will be married to so-and-so?'"

This raises a thorny question: If the selection of a mate is preordained, why is it necessary to go through the elaborate charade of selecting a suitable mate? And why do so many marriages fail?

Rabbi Akiva responds to a similar question of predestination by saying, "Everything is known to God, yet free will is given to man." God knows what we will do and how things will work out, but it is still up to us, to arrange our own lives. Only after all of the arrangements have been made can we say confidently that this is what God had originally ordained.

A HISTORY OF THE SHADCHAN

The tradition of the matchmaker or shadchan traces its human origins to the super-matchmaker of all time, Abraham's masterful servant Eliezer, who arranged no less a marriage than that of the patriarch Isaac to the matriarch Rebecca.

As the story is told in the Book of Genesis (Genesis 24:1-67) Abraham, having realized that the native Canaanite women were morally unsuitable, decides to search abroad for a suitable wife for his son Isaac. He sends Eliezer, under oath, to find the right bride for Isaac "from among the members of his family and the house of his father," which he had left behind when, at God's bidding, he had set out for Canaan. Eliezer believes he has found a suitable match in Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel, the nephew of Abraham; but she must first pass a test designed to determine the quality of her kindness and hospitality. Rebecca succeeds admirably in meeting all his expectations -- she is generous, extraordinarily hospitable, and selfless, kind to total strangers and even animals. Eliezer brings Rebecca to Isaac, who welcomes her into his home, and "he loved her."

The significance of the function of the shadchan in ancient times can be seen from the derivation of its root word shiduch, meaning "match." The Aramaic translation has it as sheket, "silence," and the term shiduch signifies tranquility or peacefulness. The connotation is that the shadchan pacifies parents who are anxious about their child's marital prospects. It also implies a sense of tranquil arrival for two people tired of the dreams, the frustrated expectations, and the long search for a loving spouse.

AN HONORABLE TRADITION

The classic shadchan has a long and honorable tradition in Jewish life. No huckster could become a unifier of human beings. He had to have deep personal integrity and balanced judgment to be entrusted with so vital a task as arranging a permanent union.

From the days of the Talmud and for centuries thereafter, it was the headmasters of the Higher Torah Academies who were customarily asked to recommend eligible students for marriage. The reason is obvious: in addition to possessing the necessary moral qualifications, these rabbis were also intimately acquainted both with the elite young scholars who were considered the prize grooms and the leading families of the community who supported the communal institutions.

The role of the shadchan reached its height in the darkest days of oppression and dispersion of the long Jewish exile in Europe. At a time when the survival of the people was in danger, and high standards of personal morality seemed threatened with extinction, this institution provided a stabilizing, fortifying and encouraging influence. This was especially true during the 13th and 14th centuries, after the Crusades had ravaged the Jewish people and scattered them over the entire continent. Communities had been splintered and isolated, and there was little communication between one group of Jews and another.

It was also at this time that the concept of romantic love was formally introduced to the world. The rabbis distrusted the romantic impulse as the basis for marriage, and felt that the shadchan lessened the chances of romantic dallying with a variety of people.

Although the estimation of beauty was the shadchan's stock in trade, he was encouraged not to arrange a union based exclusively on physical attributes. Instead, he based his choices on qualities of character, piety, intelligence and competence that would lend permanence to a marriage and encourage a high degree of moral stability in the community.

Toward the end of the Middle Ages, a new type of individual began to occupy the position of shadchan -- the paid professional. It is very likely that the shadchan began to be paid as the community became anxious about the contagion of romantic love and its potentially disastrous effects on Jewish society.

By the 15th century, scholars as great as Maharal earned their livelihoods as professional shadchanim. Questions and answers are recorded in medieval Rabbinic Responsa indicating how, how much, and when the shadchan is to be paid. If a match proved to be unhappy, he could be banned and his fee refused. If things went unusually well, he could reasonably claim twice the fee. Jewish law, therefore, established his fees, and Jewish ethics determined his integrity.

PRESERVER OF JEWISH VALUES

The Talmudic rabbis say about God, the first shadchan: "He pairs two people, even if He must ... bring them from one end of the world to the other."

In the same way, the shadchan traveled from city to city in an intricate network of cross-pollination, telling the father of a young man that a perfectly-suited young lady had been discovered 200 miles away. Considering that highway robbers made the medieval roads notoriously dangerous to travel without armed escort, and difficult as well as time consuming to navigate even at the best of times, there was virtually no way such families would have met without the shadchan's unique combination of courage, psychological acuity ad brokerage talents.

In fact, Jewish law recognized this aspect of the shadchan's function and stipulated that he was to be paid a higher fee when the bride and groom come from widely separated communities. In this way he literally interrelated whole communities and provinces.

At the same time, he performed an important subsidiary function by carrying news of Jewish affairs to widely separated Jewish communities. Although to us marriage and news-bringing may be ordinary events, in those days they served a vital function of encouraging small pockets of Jews not to despair: they were not alone, but part of the larger world of Jews, related to the big cities, the great scholars, and to Jerusalem itself.

The shadchan was familiar with the backgrounds of scores of families, and he held the key to the successful marriages of their children. As a result, the community developed a greater concern than ever for the authenticity of family descent. A mixed marriage, the conversion of one of its members to another faith, or the birth of an illegitimate child would significantly diminish the opportunities for a good shiduch for every child of each family. Since the selection of a spouse was not left to a chance meeting, the rate of interfaith marriage was kept so low as to be insignificant.

Because the shadchan would not only match inner qualities but family pedigree and scholastic and economic achievements, families knew that their futures depended on their religious and moral reputations. This spurred families to achieve a better quality of Jewish life, resulting in a religious and moral stability that was the envy of surrounding peoples.

In these times, the ideal of well-to-do parents, was to have their daughter marry a Torah scholar of great potential. This only the shadchan could arrange, and be was often a genius at wedding scholarship to wealth. He thereby performed feats of genetic engineering, which assured the survival of the intelligentsia.

Interestingly, this process served society in another crucial way: because the scholar was able to reach the top of the social ladder, the poor learned that the fastest way out of poverty was intellectual achievement.

Similarly, the girl born to poverty had at least a reasonable hope of rising socially by bearing children whose scholarship would make them eligible to marry into wealthier families. Even the sisters, parents and children of a scholar were invested with his prestige. The rabbis said, "Take heed of the children of the poor, for from them will issue scholars of Torah."

DECLINE AND RE-EMERGENCE

Gradually, over the centuries, the societal need for the shadchan diminished. Communities were more stable, communication and travel became easier, and there was a greater concentration of Jews in the larger cities.

Also, many young people who were suddenly emancipated and imbued with the ideals of the romantic tradition sought to experience this romance personally. The traditional clients of the shadchan now felt demeaned merely by talking to him, since was a clear sign of their own inadequacies.

The image of the shadchan evolved from a heaven-sent messenger doing God's will to nothing more than a flesh-trader. By the end of the 16th century, his activities were closely watched, and many commentaries and ethical tracts scorned his techniques. In 500 years, the shadchan declined from an exalted position to an object mockery and social anathema.

But there proved to be solid arguments for reviving the function of the shadchan. When people marry at an early age -- for example, age 21 and 22 for men, 18 and 19 for women -- their sober judgment at is age is at least questionable, and intellectual compatibility at school is frequently confused with abiding love.

In recent years, with the growth of an indigenous American Orthodoxy that finds the contemporary environment morally deficient, the shadchan has reemerged, dressed in the new garb of the university and the computer matching service.

Orthodox Jewish communities now avail themselves of many such modern marriage brokers who demonstrate none of the ridiculed qualities of their predecessors. These shadchanim are found largely in New York. Private enterpreneurs, they rarely advertise and are best discovered by personal recommendation.

It would not be surprising if the Jewish world, seeking desperately to preserve itself, fearful of the imminent collapse of the host culture and astonished by the growing divorce rate, would warmly welcome back, in a new guise, the old shadchan who traces his lineage, after all, to God Himself.


Author Biography:
Rabbi Maurice Lamm is the author of "The Jewish Way of Death and Mourning," "The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage", "Becoming A Jew" and many other books. A professor at Yeshiva University’s Rabbinical Seminary, he lectures nationally to Jewish and Christian audiences.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Doing it is one thing, but actually talking about it?

This is the next biggest great news that I have seen in the last few weeks. People are normal and they want to talk. Is this a new bright light shining? I love this and hope that this is the true information age happening.


Doing it is one thing, but actually talking about it?
By Tamar Rotem

The word "sex" was not spoke out loud once at the meeting on premarital sexual relations among religious Jews. The evening, organized by two moderate Orthodox Zionist organizations, Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah and the Herzog Center, the religious's kibbutz movement's Jewish studies center, took place on Monday evening at the Ohel Nehama Synagogue in Jerusalem's Talbieh neighborhood, a popular gathering place for the city's young singles.

They go to the synagogue on Shabbat to see and be seen, and as such it plays an important role in the Jerusalem religious singles' scene. it is referred to by those in the know as "the swamp."

The taboo-breaking discussion on premarital sex, which was titled, "Between him and her: Before marriage in religious society - danger or opportunity," managed to draw a large crowd. The hall was filled to capacity with young singles and married people. Some even brought their children.

In the front row sat some older people, a reminder that behind the scandalous topic stands the struggle over the identity of religious society. Until now, the sector has given a central role to the institution of family. Now, young people are delaying marriage, having sex and asking for single women to be allowed to immerse themselves in the mikveh (ritual bath). This is seen as a threat to the institution of marriage and to the religious establishment as a whole.

Moshe Tur Paz, chairman of Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah, said after the event that he had expected an "angry mob" from among the Hardal (the Hebrew acronym for Haredi-dati-leumi, or ultra-Orthodox-religious-nationalist) sector. But no one tossed any eggs at the panel. Even in the rows where the older people were seated, it seemed that no one was shocked, proof perhaps that reality was way ahead of the debate and had already changed perceptions and positions.

Tur Paz attributes great social significance to the gathering, which for the first time, openly and in a dignified public forum, discussed the distress of young religious people stemming from the prohibition of negi'a (touching, which includes physical contact between the sexes).

He says he is concerned that people will leave the religious community because of this distress. "Those who came today to listen and who are troubled by this problem are a minority," he says. "I'm worried about those young people - and there thousands of them - who don't talk about their distress. And about the impact of this distress on marital relationships in religious society," he says.

Tur Paz says that in the wake of the event, Ohel Nehama ended its association with Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah, which had held a series of lectures and discussions there, because, he says, they "couldn't handle us any more with such topics."

According to the synagogue's rabbi, Danny Tropper, the arrangement between Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah and Ohel Nehama ended because they did not see eye-to-eye on several other issues as well.

Until the redeemer comes

Early this month, an explosive article was published in De'ot, the journal of Ne'emanei Torah Va'avodah, known for its openness to controversial topics. The article, "Between him and her, between halakha and practice," describes the intense conflict experienced by single men and women. Given the Jewish religious law's prohibiting of sexual relations outside of marriage, an unfortunate reality exists of a large number of religious singles agonizing over sex. Many "do it" and are tormented by guilt and a sense of having sinned.

The article opened by quoting from a young religious woman, Tzurit Doron, who had written on the Internet site Michnasayim [slacks], a religious cultural alternative: "These girls, mostly girls who grew up in the ulpanot [religious girls' high schools] have understood that if they reach a certain age and have not found a groom, they are meant to give up a whole part of their lives, meaning the physical experience, and remain chaste and suppressed for the rest of their lives or until the redeemer comes, if ever. This is a humiliating, shocking, paralyzing and above all an explicitly anti-Jewish thought."

The article also quoted young people saying that the ban on sex is "not a legitimate demand." The article discussed cases of couples that do have sex and whether single women should be permitted to immerse themselves in a mikveh so that they do not violate the prohibition of nidda. Nidda literally means menstruation, referring to ritual impurity during and immediately after the menstrual period, which requires women to refrain from relations with their husbands during that time and then immerse in a mikveh, after which they are again permitted to have relations with their husbands.

As expected, the article prompted favorable and critical reactions. According to a member of the journal's editorial board, one harsh reaction came from a rabbi who is supportive of the movement and who expressed his disappointment over the journal's initiative.

The gathering at Ohel Nehama, which was intended to open a dialogue on the topic raised in the article, caused a real stir. Tur Paz says that 15 rabbis were invited to sit on the panel and that they all declined, giving various excuses. The only one who agreed was Rabbi Eli Kahan, the head of Midreshet Ein Hanaziv, a religious seminary for young women. De'ot editorial board member Dr. Ariel Picard, one of the speakers at the gathering, served in the past as the rabbi of Kibbutz Shluhot but no longer calls himself a rabbi.

The panel discussed the topic as if they were holding a hot potato in their hands. They refrained from explicitly referring to sex, and spoke about "it" - "doing it" - and about "the problem." Sharon Mayevsky was the only speaker to comment on this. Perhaps this was because the discussion was not focused.

Contrary to the expectations of the many young people who showed up, the evening did not generate any revolutionary, incisive and public conclusions. One of the young women in the audience left the packed hall in the middle of the discussion, and her parting words were - "call me when the psika [halakhic ruling] can change."

Unlike her, Mayevsky, 32, has no expectations from halakha or the rabbis. "I don't know what it is to be a rabbi, with public responsibility," she says. "But I do expect that a young woman or man who is deliberating over his/her sexuality should look at the issue without any baggage, and not out of guilt feelings. I want it to be understood that this discussion does not stem from an inability to abstain - sexuality is an intense social-emotional issue," she says.

An inflated number of questions

Even without a call to change the halakhic ruling, there were some unconventional statements made at the event. For example, Ariel Picard talked about the unnecessary intensification of the ban on sexual relations. "The whole issue of observing negi'a has reached hysterical proportions," he said. "It's not just about sexual relations, but covers relationships between boys and girls in general and the whole issue of gender separation in the schools. As a result, they fill them with fears and anxieties up until the wedding. There are other prohibitions commanded by the Torah, such as withholding wages. The wages of mikveh attendants were withheld. Did anyone get hysterical?" he says.

Picard also commented on the religious public's great need for rabbinical rulings. According to him, the religious public is asking rabbis an inflated amount of questions about contact. This situation is clearly reflected on Internet responsa sites, where rabbis repeatedly give the same laconic answers, prohibiting contact and encouraging abstinence, and the young people repeatedly ask very detailed questions relating to various sexual acts.

"In modern society, the individual has autonomy. People need to take personal responsibility, responsibility for their relationships and their partner, and decide by themselves based on what is appropriate for them and for their partner. Religion is also a personal matter," Picard says.

He does have some expectations of the rabbinical arbiters. "I expect that the rabbis will not lie, that they speak the halakhic truth. When people ask a rabbi if a single woman can immerse in the mikveh, he relies on a responsum of the Ribash (Rabbi Yitzhak Bar Sheshet, a 14th century rabbi from North Africa. His responsa offers an explanation why the rabbis did not require single women to immerse in the mikveh - T.R.). But the interest in this responsum is educational, as it relates to the ethos of the halakha - the fact that they did not permit ritual immersion, in order not to ease the conscience - and not to the halakha itself," Picard says.

According to Rabbi Kahn, "There is a halakhic basis for permitting immersion in the mikveh, but the question that I struggle a lot with is whether or not it is appropriate to exercise it. To find the explanations is not complicated, but the question is undermining the institution of marriage."

Like other speakers at the event, Rabbi Kahn feels that the entire discussion represented an opening to a deeper discussion of relationships between men and women in religious society, which has become more problematic since Hardal influence has imposed a greater separation of the sexes in schools.