Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
After being married for 44 years.............
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
Monday, August 27, 2007
A disturbed reader. ????
Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (From Chasunah To Foreclosure)
Dear Editor, My neighbor, Simcha, married off his daughter about six months ago. I went to the Chasuna which was in one of the wedding halls in the neighborhood. The ballroom was set up for the hundreds of guests. Simcha's daughters looked beautiful in their stunning gowns, the food was excellent and the music was very leibidig. Another beautiful Jewish Wedding.
I sat down as they served the chicken, and as I was about to taste the food, I looked at my friend Bentzi to my right. He also looked quite sick to his stomach. It wasn't that Simcha owed each of us thousands of dollars with no way of paying it back. That wasn't the problem at all.
The problem was that Simcha borrowed to pay the caterer, but he paid with his sholom bayis out of his pocket. The money for the beautiful clothing was not his, but the sleepless nights were his. The band was paid by someone else, but he paid with his own health. The guy who lent him for the photographer will never get paid back, but his children paid with suffering of their own.
Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow his HOUSE is up for AUCTION since it has been in foreclosure for four months! (Every single detail in this story is true).
Are we totally out of our minds? Are we crazy? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Please tell me how we can fix this way of life that we are all being sucked into?
A disturbed reader.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/index.php?p=9628
Dear Editor, My neighbor, Simcha, married off his daughter about six months ago. I went to the Chasuna which was in one of the wedding halls in the neighborhood. The ballroom was set up for the hundreds of guests. Simcha's daughters looked beautiful in their stunning gowns, the food was excellent and the music was very leibidig. Another beautiful Jewish Wedding.
I sat down as they served the chicken, and as I was about to taste the food, I looked at my friend Bentzi to my right. He also looked quite sick to his stomach. It wasn't that Simcha owed each of us thousands of dollars with no way of paying it back. That wasn't the problem at all.
The problem was that Simcha borrowed to pay the caterer, but he paid with his sholom bayis out of his pocket. The money for the beautiful clothing was not his, but the sleepless nights were his. The band was paid by someone else, but he paid with his own health. The guy who lent him for the photographer will never get paid back, but his children paid with suffering of their own.
Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow his HOUSE is up for AUCTION since it has been in foreclosure for four months! (Every single detail in this story is true).
Are we totally out of our minds? Are we crazy? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Please tell me how we can fix this way of life that we are all being sucked into?
A disturbed reader.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/index.php?p=9628
Sunday, August 26, 2007
This is What Marriage is Really All About
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(This is great)
**********
**********
"THE TEETH."
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(This is great)
**********
**********
"THE TEETH."
Saturday, August 25, 2007
yep ?
“It wasn't easy for me to come out with a public call last week to Israeli
residents to oppose the evacuation of Jews from Hebron. Hebron is
Jerusalem, NOT Yamit.
“I called for passive, non-violent resistance against the declared
intentions of the government in Hebron. It was only because I am convinced
that the security and inalienable rights of Jews in every part of Eretz
Yisrael will be irreversibly eroded if the government carries out its
plans in Hebron, that I decided that we must arise and passively resist
the uprooting of Jews from Hebron. And if, G-d forbid, the government does
carry out its intention, it should know, in advance, that we will return
to Hebron. […]
“For most of my life I have obeyed orders as well as issued them as a
soldier and commander in the IDF. Therefore, I am aware of the absolute
importance of the duty incumbent on every soldier to carry out the legal
orders, in order to preserve the military system which defends us.
“At the same time, warning must be given, that if the Israeli government
dares to uproot Jews from the heart of Eretz-Yisrael - a situation will
develop in which the military will eventually have nothing to defend
except itself, and will ultimately fall apart and disintegrate. After all,
the IDF was organized to defend the Zionist settlement drive, which was
threatened from the start as a result of Arab aggression, even before we
returned home to Hebron. It was only with tremendous pain that we were
able, in 1948, to retain part of Jerusalem.
“If the government uproots the Jews of Hebron, it will be uprooting a
vital cornerstone of the IDF - which is indispensable for the defense of
all parts of Israel. Therefore, although every soldier and commander must
obey the legal orders of the government, so too, must every citizen in a
democratic country ask himself what he is supposed to do when he is
convinced that the policy of the government endangers him, his future and
his family. […]
“Every Jew must feel as if he is personally going to be ousted from
Hebron. Each one of us must understand that if we will not stand up to
stop the uprooting of Jews from Hebron, we may very well - in the future -
be uprooted from Tel Aviv, Haifa, Beer Sheba or from any other place.
“In contrast to the days of exile, it is not only the right, but the
obligation of every Jew, in a Jewish democratic state, to stand up and
warn his government, through passive resistance, of the disaster that it
is bringing upon all of us. What Jews could not do in Germany and Poland
before their extermination, they must do in their own country. They have
to rise en masse and resist.”
Yep this is an old essay by former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.
Ariel Sharon wrote it on April 15, 1994:
residents to oppose the evacuation of Jews from Hebron. Hebron is
Jerusalem, NOT Yamit.
“I called for passive, non-violent resistance against the declared
intentions of the government in Hebron. It was only because I am convinced
that the security and inalienable rights of Jews in every part of Eretz
Yisrael will be irreversibly eroded if the government carries out its
plans in Hebron, that I decided that we must arise and passively resist
the uprooting of Jews from Hebron. And if, G-d forbid, the government does
carry out its intention, it should know, in advance, that we will return
to Hebron. […]
“For most of my life I have obeyed orders as well as issued them as a
soldier and commander in the IDF. Therefore, I am aware of the absolute
importance of the duty incumbent on every soldier to carry out the legal
orders, in order to preserve the military system which defends us.
“At the same time, warning must be given, that if the Israeli government
dares to uproot Jews from the heart of Eretz-Yisrael - a situation will
develop in which the military will eventually have nothing to defend
except itself, and will ultimately fall apart and disintegrate. After all,
the IDF was organized to defend the Zionist settlement drive, which was
threatened from the start as a result of Arab aggression, even before we
returned home to Hebron. It was only with tremendous pain that we were
able, in 1948, to retain part of Jerusalem.
“If the government uproots the Jews of Hebron, it will be uprooting a
vital cornerstone of the IDF - which is indispensable for the defense of
all parts of Israel. Therefore, although every soldier and commander must
obey the legal orders of the government, so too, must every citizen in a
democratic country ask himself what he is supposed to do when he is
convinced that the policy of the government endangers him, his future and
his family. […]
“Every Jew must feel as if he is personally going to be ousted from
Hebron. Each one of us must understand that if we will not stand up to
stop the uprooting of Jews from Hebron, we may very well - in the future -
be uprooted from Tel Aviv, Haifa, Beer Sheba or from any other place.
“In contrast to the days of exile, it is not only the right, but the
obligation of every Jew, in a Jewish democratic state, to stand up and
warn his government, through passive resistance, of the disaster that it
is bringing upon all of us. What Jews could not do in Germany and Poland
before their extermination, they must do in their own country. They have
to rise en masse and resist.”
Yep this is an old essay by former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.
Ariel Sharon wrote it on April 15, 1994:
Thursday, August 23, 2007
What is the Difference between potentially and realistically?
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars…..and then, ask you brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pill for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt and would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a FAG.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars…..and then, ask you brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pill for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt and would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a FAG.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Frustrated Shadchan)
Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Frustrated Shadchan)
August 16, 2007
Dear Editor, I am writing this letter after an extremely frustrating phone call. I would like to bring up a couple points in the hope that you will show it to your readers and perhaps it will change some peoples mindset.
A) I am a young Kollel Yungerman learning in Lakewood. Though in NO way do I view myself as a professional, I do dabble in shidduchim from time to time. It started off as setting up close friends and relatives, and as time went on I began to work on friends of friends and cousins of cousins etc.. In most cases my phone calls and emails are met with a positive response as people are very thankful that I thought of them.
A lot of time however, (and NOT on rare occasion) I feel that I am not being taken seriously and that I am wasting my (and the person I am callings) time. I wonder, in today’s world where there is so much talk about the “shidduch crisis” what can the explanation be? Granted I may not be as aggressive, pushy, and sweet mouthed as the real “professionals” but I definitely have “shaychus to the inyan” and it really would not hurt to listen, take down the info, and do some checking! I understand that some people get many phone calls that are absolutely off the wall (I was in the parsha not too long ago too,) but one really doesn’t know who their shliach will be!
B) Without going in to too much detail, I feel that I must mention that some of the reasoning’s behind a “no” are absolutely ridiculous. Now, I understand in some cases I am not being told the real reason, but many times I am. I recently called the father of a 26-year-old old girl and was told that they aren’t interested in the boy because his family “isn’t heimish enough”! I realize that there is something to having similar backrounds but she is 26 (and their families aren’t all that different)!! At least consider it…
Recently a 25-year-old old girl (who comes from a divorced home if I may add) told my wife that the 29-year-old old boy we were redding is too old and “probably way ahead of her in life”! I am talking about regular bais yakov type girls.
(Obviously this applies to the boys side as well -IF NOT MORE- just everyone always talks about how much harder it is for the girls…)
Rabbossai - Step one to alleviate the crisis is to try to be just a drop -JUST A DROP- more open-minded. (This comes before putting aside money issues and out of town etc).
C) This point is addressed to all the other young couples in LKWD and Eretz Yisroel or wherever you may be - If you have a shidduch idea RED IT!! Even if you are not 100% sure that it is a match - or even a 70% match - no harm can come from redding it (besides for some frustration perhaps). We hear about shidduchim -all the time- that end up working things out that we never would have imagined. We all have friends and our wives have friends and cousins etc. there has to be something that makes some sense somewhere!
Again, one never knows who the shliach may be and the zichusim are tremendous. One of today’s Gedoley Hador told me that the zechus of trying to set someone up - just letting them know that you are thinking of them - is immeasurable.
Hopefully I enlightened someone out there and I am very interested in hearing feedback. Hatzlocho !
August 16, 2007
Dear Editor, I am writing this letter after an extremely frustrating phone call. I would like to bring up a couple points in the hope that you will show it to your readers and perhaps it will change some peoples mindset.
A) I am a young Kollel Yungerman learning in Lakewood. Though in NO way do I view myself as a professional, I do dabble in shidduchim from time to time. It started off as setting up close friends and relatives, and as time went on I began to work on friends of friends and cousins of cousins etc.. In most cases my phone calls and emails are met with a positive response as people are very thankful that I thought of them.
A lot of time however, (and NOT on rare occasion) I feel that I am not being taken seriously and that I am wasting my (and the person I am callings) time. I wonder, in today’s world where there is so much talk about the “shidduch crisis” what can the explanation be? Granted I may not be as aggressive, pushy, and sweet mouthed as the real “professionals” but I definitely have “shaychus to the inyan” and it really would not hurt to listen, take down the info, and do some checking! I understand that some people get many phone calls that are absolutely off the wall (I was in the parsha not too long ago too,) but one really doesn’t know who their shliach will be!
B) Without going in to too much detail, I feel that I must mention that some of the reasoning’s behind a “no” are absolutely ridiculous. Now, I understand in some cases I am not being told the real reason, but many times I am. I recently called the father of a 26-year-old old girl and was told that they aren’t interested in the boy because his family “isn’t heimish enough”! I realize that there is something to having similar backrounds but she is 26 (and their families aren’t all that different)!! At least consider it…
Recently a 25-year-old old girl (who comes from a divorced home if I may add) told my wife that the 29-year-old old boy we were redding is too old and “probably way ahead of her in life”! I am talking about regular bais yakov type girls.
(Obviously this applies to the boys side as well -IF NOT MORE- just everyone always talks about how much harder it is for the girls…)
Rabbossai - Step one to alleviate the crisis is to try to be just a drop -JUST A DROP- more open-minded. (This comes before putting aside money issues and out of town etc).
C) This point is addressed to all the other young couples in LKWD and Eretz Yisroel or wherever you may be - If you have a shidduch idea RED IT!! Even if you are not 100% sure that it is a match - or even a 70% match - no harm can come from redding it (besides for some frustration perhaps). We hear about shidduchim -all the time- that end up working things out that we never would have imagined. We all have friends and our wives have friends and cousins etc. there has to be something that makes some sense somewhere!
Again, one never knows who the shliach may be and the zichusim are tremendous. One of today’s Gedoley Hador told me that the zechus of trying to set someone up - just letting them know that you are thinking of them - is immeasurable.
Hopefully I enlightened someone out there and I am very interested in hearing feedback. Hatzlocho !
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Which one is married?
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Stopping Gossip ?
Channah, self-appointed monitor of the schul's morals (a yenta), kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Moishe, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Moishe (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Moishe, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Moishe quietly parked his car in front of Channah's house,
walked home, and left it there all night!
You gotta love Moishe!
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Moishe, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Moishe (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Moishe, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Moishe quietly parked his car in front of Channah's house,
walked home, and left it there all night!
You gotta love Moishe!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)