How a true shadchun works

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case - ok"

Next: Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case - ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case - ok"

Moral: Even if you have nothing, you can make things happen.

What is the correct advice ?

What's your choice?

A Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Scrabble

I have received this email:
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR'S SPEECH

The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before

I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ..
"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.

When they reached the Promised Land, the people had became very thirsty and needed
water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts'
content.

"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dived into the cool waters.
When Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen.
'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."

MARRIAGE: DESTINY OR CHANCE

Who is the Ultimate Matchmaker? By Simon Jacobson
Is marriage predestined or dependent on your efforts?

On one hand, we hear of the idea that a person's spouse is bashert, meaning preordained by the guiding hand of G-d. But this belief raises many questions. Does everyone have a bashert? If yes, why is it so difficult to find one’s mate, and why do many never succeed? Is bashert an inevitable absolute, or are there exceptions? We also hear about the need to exert efforts (hishtadlut) in finding a soul mate: If a match is predetermined by Divine decree, to what extent a role does human effort and decision making play in the process?

Who is the ultimate matchmaker – G-d or man?

Marriage is a primary theme in the current Torah portions. First – Isaac’s marriage, described in elaborate detail, how Abraham sent his servant to find a bride for Isaac, concluding with Rebecca meeting and marrying Isaac. Then, last week’s portion, which closes with Isaac and Rebecca instructing Jacob to go search for his bride. And this week’s portion elaborates on Jacob’s journey, search and painstaking process of discovering his soul mate, and finally building his family in Charan.

From these episodes we derive many important lessons about love and marriage – relevant today more than ever.

One of the lessons discussions revolves around the nature of love and the mystery of matching couples.

In context of Jacob leaving Beersheba (the opening of this week’s portion) in order to find a wife – the Midrash states (1): “A person’s marriage partner originates from no one else but G-d,” and cites sources in all three section of Tanach. “Sometimes a man goes to his designated mate (as it was with Jacob); sometimes his designated mate comes to him (as it was with Isaac).”

The Midrash then continues (2):

Rabbi Yehudah bar Simon opened [with the verse] “G-d sets the solitary into a family” (3).

A Roman matron asked Rabbi Yosei bar Chalafta: “In how many days did G-d create His world?”

“In six days,” he replied.

“And what has He been doing ever since?” she asked.

“G-d sits and matches couples,” Rabbi Yosei told her.

“Is this G-d’s occupation?” she asked derisively, “I could do that too! I possess a great number of men servants and maid servants and would be able to pair all of them off in one hour!”

“You may think it is easy, but for G-d, it is as difficult as parting the Red Sea,” he said

After Rabbi Yosei left, the matron formed rows of her men servants and maid servants, a thousand in each row, and said to them, “This man shall marry this woman,” pairing them off as she walked down the line for the night.

But when they returned to work the next morning, one had an injured head, one was missing an eye and one had a broken foot.

“What is going on here?” the matron asked.

“I don’t want this one [for a partner],” they all said. She saying “I will not take him,” he saying “I will not take her.”

She sent for RabbiYosei and told him, “There is no G-d like your G-d. When you explained to me that G-d is busy making matches, you spoke wisely.”

The Talmud echoes this belief by stating that before a person is born G-d designates his and her mate: “A heavenly voice emerges and calls out ‘this woman to this man.’”

On the other hand, the Talmud states that “a man and woman are paired to each other based on their merits (4).

How do we reconcile these two positions: Is marriage designated by Divine decree or is it based on a person’s deeds and merits? Two answers are offered: One particular Talmud explains that the “first pairing” is by divine decree while the “second pairing” is based on a person’s merits (5). And this is why “their pairing is difficult like the parting of the sea,” because a match based on merits requires special effort to unite two people who were initially not naturally compatible (6). Another Talmud suggests a different answer: Though a natural match is initially made in heaven, human intervention – prayer – can override and change the Divine decree (even regarding the “first pairing”). Thus, “It is permitted to betroth a woman on Chol Hamoed because perhaps someone else will take her before him” due to his prayer’s overriding the divine decree (7).

However, these Talmudic statements require explanation. Indeed, opinions differ in the meaning of our Sages’ approach to the matchmaking process. Even the phrase “first pairing” and “second pairing” is subject to several interpretations: Does it mean first and second marriage, or as others argue, “first pairing” is the Divine pre-ordained match and “second pairing” is the one determined by merits.

Here is a summary of the various perspectives and opinions how much human intervention plays a role in match making, ranging from one extreme to the next. (8)

1) The Divine decree pre-designates who will marry whom. Human prayer and merit can only help expedite and ease the process (and another's prayer can delay it for a while). (9) When the time to marry arrives, the soul mates will meet without undue strain or difficulty.

2) Prayer can nullify the edict entirely, and the person will find a new soul mate (one that was not decreed before birth). (10)

3) Every one has the free will whether to marry or not, but once the choice is made to marry, the mate will be the one designated in heaven (through supplications for mercy, another person may marry her first, but their marriage will be temporary). (11)

4) The Heavenly voice is not a decree, but merely reflects the soulmates natural compatibility. Their inherent nature predisposes them – and makes it easier – to choose each other. But they do so out of free choice; they are guided by G-d to meet each other based on their merits, not by pre-ordained decree. (12)

5) All marriages are dependent on a person's deeds. The Divine voice refers to the power to unite matter and form, the soul and the body. (13)

6) According (14) to the writings of the AriZal (15), the first time a soul descends to the world, “a Heavenly voice emerges and decrees: “The daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so.” When the time for marriage arrives, the opportunity is immediately granted without strain or difficulty. [Until that time, it is possible that she will be the wife of another man, as was the case with Uriah and Batsheva (16)]. Sometimes, however, one does not merit and fails to marry his intended. [In that instance, another who does not have a mate designated for him may supersede him through his appeals for mercy (17)]. Nevertheless, he is granted a spouse appropriate to his deeds.

At times, the soul will undergo a transformation (from bad to good or the opposite) and will forfeit the intended mate and marry another spouse, for he is no longer the same soul. At times, the soul will reincarnate so that he can marry his intended. At times, he will reincarnate for other reasons, but because he possesses many merits, his intended is also made to reincarnate with him. Nevertheless, since he sinned and was forced to reincarnate, there are forces that oppose him and prevent him from bringing about that marriage. This is implied by the statement: “Bringing [marriage partners] together is as difficult as parting the Red Sea” (18).

If a person's intended does not reincarnate, he is coupled with a female reincarnated soul that also does not have a partner in this incarnation. Therefore it is very difficult to bring them together since they have a different nature (19). The woman must, however, be compatible with him at their source (20). There are some opinions which maintain that if the intended is not forced to reincarnate, the man takes a wife according to his efforts (21).

So, are matches made in heaven or on earth? The answer is both. Like everything in life, we are partners with G-d in creation. The Divine sends each soul off on its’ unique journey through life, and designates which soul belong with another. But we humans, through our choices and actions, can change the course for the better (and also, sadly, for the worse).

G-d created His world in six days. “And what has He been doing ever since? G-d sits and matches couples.” Couples both in the literal sense: creating partners in marriage, and also couples in the broader sense: creating fusion and unity in a pluralistic, fragmented, universe.

Today we do not need to be reminded how difficult it is to create and maintain healthy marriages. Some feel that it is even more difficult than parting the sea. Yet, we have in Jacob’s hard earned search for a spouse a formidable lesson in overcoming the challenge of building lasting relationships

History is the best teacher: Despite Jacob’s harsh challenges – laboring twenty years (!) for his corrupt and cruel uncle and father-in-law, Laban; “by day I was consumed by the scorching heat, and at night by the frost, when sleep was snatched from my eyes” (22) – Jacob succeeded in building the best family that ever existed: The twelve tribes which would give birth to the Jewish nation, and perpetuate the most noble civilization that would forever change history, till this very day!

Jacob’s journey, directed by G-d, to find his wife and build a family teaches, inspires and empowers each of us in our own journey to find our soul mate. As difficult as your search for a soulmate may be, know and know well that G-d’s primary involvement is in “making matches.” And just as He orchestrated and guided Jacob (and earlier, Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage) and the millions of marriages that followed – without which we would not exist today – G-d continues to busy Himself with making matches today.

But G-d’s efforts require our partnership. Through our virtue and prayer, by being better people, we engage G-d in the mysterious – and arduous – process of joining souls together, in one beautiful dance that ripples through the cosmos and transforms the world and all those around us.

--------
1) Bereishis Rabba 68:3.
2) 68:4. For an eloquent explanation of this Midrash – see Sefer HaLikkutim (Arizal) in this week’s portion.
3) Pslams 68:7.
4) Sotah 2a.
5) Sotah ibid. Sanhedrin 22a.
6) Rashi Sotah ibid. Sefer HaLikkutim ibid.
7) Moed Kattan 18b.
8) The following is adapted from the Rebbe’s letter 23 Shvat 5707 (Igros Kodesh vol. 2 pp. 193). Here is an English translation.
9) See Sefer Chassidim sec. 383.
10) Rashi's commentary to Rabbeinu Yitzchak Alfasi's gloss to Moed Katan ibid. This is evident from the fact that he does not explicitly state that the nullification is only temporary. This is also reflected by the statement of Tosafos, Sanhedrin 22a, who draw a parallel to prayer that has the power to transform a fetus from a male to a female. It is also apparent that this is the approach of the Tzemach Tzedek in his Chiddushim to the Talmud, Moed Katan.
11) Tashbetz, Vol. II, responsum 1.
12) Rambam, ch. 8, of his Shemoneh Perakim. See also his responsa, responsum 159.
13) Akeidah, Shaar 8 and Shaar 22.
14) Translated from the letter in the previous footnote.
15) A portion of them are cited by the Yaavetz in his gloss to Sotah 2a.
16) Zohar I, 73b.
17) Zohar I, 91b, 229a, quoted in Midrash Talpios, anaf zivug.
18) Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8 and Hakdamah 20; Sefer HaGilgulim, ch. 13; Likkutei Torah and Sefer HaLikkutim, Tehillim, ch. 48.
19) Sefer HaLikkutim in footnote 5. This is the meaning that “G-d sits and makes matches:” G-d “sitting” is a metaphor for the Divine “descent,” a “difficult” process, to create matches even amongst (initially) incompatible individuals, using the tools of nature, without disrupting the natural balance of existence.
20) Sefer HaGilgulim, loc. cit.
21) The gloss of B'nei Aharon to Shaar HaGilgulim, Hakdamah 8, in the name of the elder Rabbis who cited the teaching in the name of the AriZal.
22) This week’s portion – Genesis 31:40.

The wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

[I love this part....]





"Only when he's been drinking."

caught in a terrible blizzard

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

MEN and WOMEN..............

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even
before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting
like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.

"Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!

Jail Time for 80 Year Old Wife

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

The New Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Classic: Books which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Why the dating scene is tough ?

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
========================

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and Always falls over on its right side

When intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)

5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the
next four days and the same thing happens On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in h is life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass
is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Gays-R-US ?

Nobody tells what to do

The greatest thing that happened to me

Do you have a quarter ?

She's female ?

Combine marriage.. ... ?

I'd really rather have a job

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just hate drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.'

'You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.'

'You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're Bull-shittin' me!'

The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'

15 Laws For Women To Live By

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your husband walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.