DEAF WIFE....."priceless "

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A man  feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.   Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.        The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the  doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.   If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until  you get a response."  That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away,  let's see what happens."          Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,  what's for dinner?"  Still no response.  Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet  from his wife and asks, "Honey,  what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for  dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.  "Honey,  what's for dinner?"  (I just love this)  "Ralph,  for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Dear Tech Support:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

 ***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.  I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

.................... is the chief cause of divorce

Groucho Marx:
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

Marriage and Love

Marriage...Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Love...When we know to read our own hearts, we acquire wisdom of thehearts of others

Haredi women go under the knife

Kind of interesting as how "in your face" type of reporting has been upgraded to "chutzpah". The key words being "slowly" and "says Doctor".

"Slowly"-the article suggest/admits is 2% !!!!
"Says Doctor"- so, how much money was paid for this article/advertisement ????

Does the average person, read and understand what's going on here ?

The other big question, how true is it when the article suggests that " Even compliments from her husband, sitting with the elders, do not lift her spirits anymore. "   How many men compliment their wives in the first place ? Of course, because of the lack of compliments if one finally does give a compliment, they won't accept it.

To Summarize:
1. More complimenting from both spouses,  WITHOUT criticizing
2. don't wait for #1. - communicate effectively.

marriage seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, "It's essential that husbands and  wives are aware of the things that are important to each other."He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, "Kemach All-Purpose, isn't it?"The rest of the story is not pleasant...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:


1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone

a real flatbush date ?

A real flatbush guy goes on a date with a really frum girl (too frum for him)!!!

they're out on their date having a decent time!!

then suddenly mid conversation, the girl says oh wow i forgot to daven mincha, i must daven before it's too late!!!

guys response, should i lend you my hat & jacket!!!

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

Dating Games: Why do we want those we can’t have?

Dating Games: Why do we want those we can’t have? By TAMAR CASPI  10/08/2010 16:32

Maybe it’s the chase that attracts us, maybe we aspire to be with someone we consider above us – or maybe we’re just gluttons for punishment.

Sometimes it seems we are intrinsically wired to be attracted to those who aren’t really or readily available – emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. We want what we can’t have, a cliché that is unfortunately and routinely true. Maybe it’s the chase that attracts us; maybe we aspire to be with someone we consider above us; maybe we’re just gluttons for punishment.

Whatever the reason, it happens to everyone without fail at some point in their lives, whether it’s a romance, a job, a house or an outfit.

When Julie met Jason at a networking event, she thought he was cute and sweet – but her interest was piqued when she found out he had a long-distance, longterm girlfriend. It should have turned her off and sent her looking in another direction, but instead she hoped the distance would end their relationship.

And lo and behold, Jason broke up with said girlfriend and pursued Julie. She was incredibly flattered and believed he was what she wanted. She thought she had found her beshert.

Three months and dozens of excruciating circumstances later, Julie understood why Jason’s previous relationship had lasted so long: because the girl didn’t live near him! Jason wanted to be with Julie all the time, and couldn’t understand why she would ever want to be alone or hang out with her girlfriends, without him. Julie had thought she wanted Jason – but she had been more attracted to his previous unavailability than to Jason himself. Once he became accessible (not to mention clingy), he wasn’t so attractive anymore.

She felt guilty about breaking off with him since he had ended a long-term relationship to be with her, but decided she had given it all she could and was starting to resent him.

I was in a situation a few years ago where once I realized what I wanted, it was too late.

After meeting Greg on JDate, I would receive regular calls from him, accept dates with him weekly, or sometimes more often, and even got him to accompany me to a wedding.

He was present but not overly involved, and his slight aloofness kept me interested, although I admittedly let him do all the work.

I liked him enough, but wasn’t ready to commit. I was new on JDate and enjoying all the attention I was receiving.

But as soon as Greg’s phone calls waned and plans stopped being made, I of course became more interested, and started calling him. And that of course pushed him even further away. He knew I had taken advantage of him, and had moved on.

Suddenly I wanted Greg more than ever, and he was nowhere to be found. (In fact, he married the next girl he dated.) Had I realized what I had when it was mine to take, the outcome might have been much different.

HERE’S THE phenomenon explained in simple terms: If you give your phone number out to two people in one night and Cutie No. 1 calls the next day, chances are you’re going to be left wondering more about Cutie No. 2. He is suddenly more appealing and more attractive; you start building him up to mythical proportions.

If Cutie No. 2 does finally call, you’re going to have a major letdown. And if he never does call, he (or she) will always and forever be levitated to an impenetrable perfection.

This cycle is hard to break until you’re really ready to meet someone and stop going after those who aren’t available.

Labeling someone “unattainable” doesn’t have to be a dent in your self-confidence.

It doesn’t mean he or she is out of your league, or that you aren’t good-looking enough or smart enough, or whatever it is you may have insecurities about. Rather you’re simply saying that it’s not a realistic endeavor and should be chalked up as such sooner rather than later.

It’s not that we shouldn’t go after the unattainable; but sometimes a challenge is just that, and nothing more. A guy with a girlfriend is a guy with a girlfriend. His allure is simply that he is everything you think you’re looking for – except he’s not single. Thus he’s not everything you’re looking for anymore. Make sense? When “it” works, it will be because both parties are ready and willing to meet someone.

Once you realize you are purposely going after what you know you can’t have – and stop doing it – you’ll start to look at your possibilities differently. People you would never have previously looked at because they were “too available” will suddenly start to be attractive because they’re searching for the same thing as you are: a relationship. These are the people you need to go after.

Remember – you’re available and you want someone who is also available, so you can become unavailable together.

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

arguments and expectations

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.

Big Boys Don't Cry, They Drink

Men More Affected than Woman by Ups and Downs of Relationships
Guys Take it Harder, Turn to Drugs and Alcohol

By COURTNEY HUTCHISON
Jun. 11, 2010—

Contrary to popular belief, men are more affected by a rocky relationship than their female counterparts, according to new research from Wake Forest University.

Research shows that women have a harder time coping with a breakup, but the guys are the ones who feel more stress and strain when the relationship hits a rough patch, researchers found. On the upside, men also get more of a psychological and emotional boost when the relationship is healthy.

"Common wisdom says that women are more hurt by problems in a relationship," says Robin Simon, lead researcher on the study and a sociologist at Wake Forest, "but we found that the benefits of support [in a relationship] and the disadvantages of strain are exaggerated for the men."

"Men are more sensitive than we often think they are," she says.

For the study, Simon and co-author Anne Barrett, associate professor of sociology at Florida State University, drew on mental health and relationship data from over a thousand college-aged youths in south Florida.

They found that while men often put forth a brave front in the face of a faltering romance, they were hurting emotionally more than the women were -- they just didn't show it in the same way.

While women tend to get depressed when they are hurt or upset, men express their distress through substance use or abuse, Simon says. In the study, the more relationship problems a guy had, the more likely he was to score high on substance abuse measures, including those that gauge emotional issues associated with drug dependence, she says.

These results may point to a societal shift in the way that young men today experience relationships, gender and relationship experts say.

"These boys are more likely to have experienced a divorce in their family," Simon says, "and this might make them more sensitive to the ups and downs of a relationship. They are more aware of the frailties of relationships than past generations."

The study was published in the June edition of the Journal of Health and Social Behaviour.

Big Boys Don't Cry, They Drink

Though these findings run counter to popular wisdom about the way men handle their relationships, gender and relationship experts were not surprised by these results.

"Women are more naturally expressive," says Audrey Nelson, author of "Code Switching: How to Talk so Men Will Listen." "We'll cry, show our feelings when a women is having a hard time, she has two or three friends she can talk to, to ease the pain. Men have the same feelings and emotions, but they have no outlet."

"One of the ten commandments of "masculinity" is 'thou shalt not be vulnerable,'" she says, "so they self-medicate the feelings with drugs and alcohol and drown their vulnerability, rejection, sadness."

Nelson says the difference between the sexes has to do with both how women and men are wired neurologically and taught socially.

Research shows that the region of a woman's brain related to compassion and empathy is larger than a man's, she says, so "straight out of the womb she's more nurturing."

Then, society trains girls to express their feelings -- though not their anger, she notes -- while men are taught not to cry, not to show vulnerability. In fact, she says "the only sanctioned emotion for men to express publicly is anger. It's no surprise that men turn to alcohol to numb the [unwanted] emotions."

Today's Boys: Generation Vexed?

The young men in the study were more likely to have "mothers employed outside the home, fathers absent or dependent on the mother's income, or a child of divorce" than past generations, Simon says.

This may be at the heart of why young men today may be more sensitive to the trials of a relationship, she says.

Alternatively, Frances Cohen Praver, an author and psychologist in Locust Valley, New York, says the gender difference might be because women are less sensitive to these issues today.

"Women are more autonomous and independent. They need to love and be loved, but they can get love from their friends and family," she says.

This might also be why men in the study benefited more from the support of a healthy romantic relationship -- because they were getting support they otherwise wouldn't get.

But the issue cannot be explained by the social support element alone, Simon warns. "We can't tease out whether it's their emotional development at this time in their life, or if it's this generation, or what," she says.

So as for what causes these emotional gender differences, "That's the million dollar question," she says.

Copyright © 2010 ABC News Internet Ventures

Legal Shmegal...

Legal Shmegal...

A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you

Cultural Differences....explained:

Cultural Differences....explained: On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

* Two French men and one French woman.

* Two German men and one German woman.

* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

* Two British men and one British woman.

* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

* Two American men and one American woman.



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island..

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun..

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

A Fast Should be Declared’ ??

Maran R’ Chaim Kanievsky: ‘It’s Reached Epidemic Proportions – A Fast Should be Declared’
March 18, 2010 Registration for yeshivos gedolos is well underway and a number of roshei yeshiva have conferred with HaGaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita regarding acceptance of talmidim for the coming year.

Rav Chaim Shlita used the opportunity to discuss the trend with young chasanim requesting an apartment before wedding arrangements are even finalized, the weekly BaKehilla reports. The Rav explained that he receives telephone calls from mothers of young girls, explaining they want an apartment and as a result, there cannot be a shidduch since they simply cannot accommodate.

“When we were young, we received sheds to live in, and only rentals at that” exclaimed the rav.

“It has crossed acceptable boundaries. Today, every bachur who learns four or five years believes he has attained a level of worth higher than his father-in-law and therefore, he is entitled to an apartment. We must fight this trend. A fast day must be declared to stop this epidemic”.

The Rav called on roshei yeshiva to combat this trend and to use their influence with talmidim to begin turning this around. He added that at most, one may request half of the cost of an apartment from each side, but that is the limit.

(Yechiel Spira – YWN Israel)

What is wrong with this story ?

Let's be real about this.
Everyone is at fault here.
The Rosh Yeshivas- for pushing the boys
The Parents - for their egos and their stupidity
The Boys - for all of the above
The Girls- no comment here

Praying that this Decree comes to an end.

Latest Shidduch resume

Bracha Leah Stern
11 Kew Gardens
Lakewood , New Jersey
732-363-6214 732-363-6214
blcohen@yeshivanet.com
Summary and Personal
Date of Birth: 3-4-1989

Yichus:
Father is a yeshiva educated day trader who learns two daily sedarim in BMG; has been previously investigated by FBI for fraud but never did any jail time; big baal tzedaka who has been honored by BMG twice;
mother is a retired BY teacher;
youngest child with four brothers and 11 sisters all living off of the Lakewood General Fund and mechutanim from Brooklyn;
other pedigree relatively clean, except for a 4th cousin, once removed who attended YU and is now a successful Ophthalmologist in Teaneck
Parents looking for: solid learner from Brisk or Lakewood with neither a history of college nor foreseeable parnassa plans who will sit in Kollel indefinitely;
she is looking for the same;
father willing to support 10 years @$75k per year, pending no stays in Otisville

Appearance: dark hair with standard BY hairstyle; 5’4” with dress Size 2 (Mother’s size after her seventh child: Size 8

Shadchan: Mrs. Goldberg of Lakewood (25% commission)

Dating History: has gone out a few times with no measurable success; feedback from Mrs. Goldberg points to her having the charisma of a carrot
Photo: yearbook picture available if requested through Torah channels

Education
K-12: Bais Yaakov of Lakewood
Seminary: BJJ

Post-Seminary: Online program to obtain teaching certificate from Torah Umesorah
Work Experience
1996-1998: Counselor in several backyard camps in Brooklyn and Lakewood
2006-2008: Teacher’s aide in BY of Lakewood

Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist (Based on Interview with Shadchan)
Tehillim: completes Sefer once a week while standing in line at Jewish stores
Mother’s use of Sabbath Mode oven: not any more
Posek: Rav C. Kanievsky or Rav Elyashiv if his line is busy
Internet: only with Torahnet filter on Tati’s business computer
Use of a community Eruv: never (she’s looking for a Brisker, remember?!)
Indian Hair Sheitels: only if on sale
Seat Belt Use: No, unless pulled over by a female Police Officer
Hobbies: reading Artscroll biographies, Yated, Hamodia, and Mishpacha; challah baking; asking shailos to Gedolim about her shidduch difficulties

Her Preferred Dating Venue:
Airport lounges without visible TV monitors
Boys She Would Not Date: guys without BTEP (behind-the-ear-peyos), BT’s, OTD’s who have straightened out; guys whose Rabbeim believe that the Universe may be older than 5768 years old; guys who read Making of a Gadol or any of Slifkin’s books

Ideal Wedding:
Chossen and Kallah adopt demeanor combining themes of Tisha B’Av and Yom Kippur; eyes-closed Tehillim throughout ceremony; kibbudim called up in Yiddish; separate everything including parking areas; Simchas Chossen V’Kallah at 10:30 PM; no Onlysimchas posting

Shabbos Table: White table cloth, no plastic covers, no ground beef or plate scraping at the table
Would be willing to live in: Lakewood, Brooklyn, Monsey, Passaic (or Baltimore for a few years)
Music Preferences: Yeshiva Boys Choir; no more Lipa, Schwecky, or Carlebach
Ideal Chesed Opportunities: helping put out cold beer and cholent at neighborhood Shalom Zachars; assisting with mass mailings from Oorah and Kupat Hair