7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Dear Tide:

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Bugs over me?

kiss me like u mean it ?

Running away from love and/or hate ?

people just can't learn to get along ?

we never agree on anything

Mothers ?

Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"

Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."

Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."

Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "

Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody's and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "

Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."

Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing,I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."

Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"

Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."

Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "

Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"

Jewish Mother : "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "

Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "

Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him
immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."

Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? "
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"

Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

SBF seeks male companionship

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....



Over 15,000 men ended up talking to the Atlanta Humane Society who was trying to find a home for a black Labrador named Daisy

Are your minutes ticking?

IMHO it seems that nowadays everyone tells the Shadchun "they have all the time in the world and why settle"?

To friends and at home the tears and madness are getting worse.

No sense to me whatsoever.

Then again, what and who does make sense nowadays?

"Talking Dog For Sale."

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros." the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

Sweet dreams?

Mixed signals?

Life minutes?

After being married for 44 years.............

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

A disturbed reader. ????

Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (From Chasunah To Foreclosure)

Dear Editor, My neighbor, Simcha, married off his daughter about six months ago. I went to the Chasuna which was in one of the wedding halls in the neighborhood. The ballroom was set up for the hundreds of guests. Simcha's daughters looked beautiful in their stunning gowns, the food was excellent and the music was very leibidig. Another beautiful Jewish Wedding.

I sat down as they served the chicken, and as I was about to taste the food, I looked at my friend Bentzi to my right. He also looked quite sick to his stomach. It wasn't that Simcha owed each of us thousands of dollars with no way of paying it back. That wasn't the problem at all.

The problem was that Simcha borrowed to pay the caterer, but he paid with his sholom bayis out of his pocket. The money for the beautiful clothing was not his, but the sleepless nights were his. The band was paid by someone else, but he paid with his own health. The guy who lent him for the photographer will never get paid back, but his children paid with suffering of their own.

Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow his HOUSE is up for AUCTION since it has been in foreclosure for four months! (Every single detail in this story is true).

Are we totally out of our minds? Are we crazy? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Please tell me how we can fix this way of life that we are all being sucked into?

A disturbed reader.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/index.php?p=9628

This is What Marriage is Really All About

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered


(This is great)

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"THE TEETH."

yep ?

“It wasn't easy for me to come out with a public call last week to Israeli
residents to oppose the evacuation of Jews from Hebron. Hebron is
Jerusalem, NOT Yamit.

“I called for passive, non-violent resistance against the declared
intentions of the government in Hebron. It was only because I am convinced
that the security and inalienable rights of Jews in every part of Eretz
Yisrael will be irreversibly eroded if the government carries out its
plans in Hebron, that I decided that we must arise and passively resist
the uprooting of Jews from Hebron. And if, G-d forbid, the government does
carry out its intention, it should know, in advance, that we will return
to Hebron. […]

“For most of my life I have obeyed orders as well as issued them as a
soldier and commander in the IDF. Therefore, I am aware of the absolute
importance of the duty incumbent on every soldier to carry out the legal
orders, in order to preserve the military system which defends us.

“At the same time, warning must be given, that if the Israeli government
dares to uproot Jews from the heart of Eretz-Yisrael - a situation will
develop in which the military will eventually have nothing to defend
except itself, and will ultimately fall apart and disintegrate. After all,
the IDF was organized to defend the Zionist settlement drive, which was
threatened from the start as a result of Arab aggression, even before we
returned home to Hebron. It was only with tremendous pain that we were
able, in 1948, to retain part of Jerusalem.

“If the government uproots the Jews of Hebron, it will be uprooting a
vital cornerstone of the IDF - which is indispensable for the defense of
all parts of Israel. Therefore, although every soldier and commander must
obey the legal orders of the government, so too, must every citizen in a
democratic country ask himself what he is supposed to do when he is
convinced that the policy of the government endangers him, his future and
his family. […]

“Every Jew must feel as if he is personally going to be ousted from
Hebron. Each one of us must understand that if we will not stand up to
stop the uprooting of Jews from Hebron, we may very well - in the future -
be uprooted from Tel Aviv, Haifa, Beer Sheba or from any other place.

“In contrast to the days of exile, it is not only the right, but the
obligation of every Jew, in a Jewish democratic state, to stand up and
warn his government, through passive resistance, of the disaster that it
is bringing upon all of us. What Jews could not do in Germany and Poland
before their extermination, they must do in their own country. They have
to rise en masse and resist.”


Yep this is an old essay by former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.
Ariel Sharon wrote it on April 15, 1994:

What is the Difference between potentially and realistically?

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars…..and then, ask you brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pill for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”



"For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University.”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt and would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”


The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a FAG.

Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Frustrated Shadchan)

Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Frustrated Shadchan)
August 16, 2007
Dear Editor, I am writing this letter after an extremely frustrating phone call. I would like to bring up a couple points in the hope that you will show it to your readers and perhaps it will change some peoples mindset.

A) I am a young Kollel Yungerman learning in Lakewood. Though in NO way do I view myself as a professional, I do dabble in shidduchim from time to time. It started off as setting up close friends and relatives, and as time went on I began to work on friends of friends and cousins of cousins etc.. In most cases my phone calls and emails are met with a positive response as people are very thankful that I thought of them.

A lot of time however, (and NOT on rare occasion) I feel that I am not being taken seriously and that I am wasting my (and the person I am callings) time. I wonder, in today’s world where there is so much talk about the “shidduch crisis” what can the explanation be? Granted I may not be as aggressive, pushy, and sweet mouthed as the real “professionals” but I definitely have “shaychus to the inyan” and it really would not hurt to listen, take down the info, and do some checking! I understand that some people get many phone calls that are absolutely off the wall (I was in the parsha not too long ago too,) but one really doesn’t know who their shliach will be!

B) Without going in to too much detail, I feel that I must mention that some of the reasoning’s behind a “no” are absolutely ridiculous. Now, I understand in some cases I am not being told the real reason, but many times I am. I recently called the father of a 26-year-old old girl and was told that they aren’t interested in the boy because his family “isn’t heimish enough”! I realize that there is something to having similar backrounds but she is 26 (and their families aren’t all that different)!! At least consider it…

Recently a 25-year-old old girl (who comes from a divorced home if I may add) told my wife that the 29-year-old old boy we were redding is too old and “probably way ahead of her in life”! I am talking about regular bais yakov type girls.

(Obviously this applies to the boys side as well -IF NOT MORE- just everyone always talks about how much harder it is for the girls…)

Rabbossai - Step one to alleviate the crisis is to try to be just a drop -JUST A DROP- more open-minded. (This comes before putting aside money issues and out of town etc).

C) This point is addressed to all the other young couples in LKWD and Eretz Yisroel or wherever you may be - If you have a shidduch idea RED IT!! Even if you are not 100% sure that it is a match - or even a 70% match - no harm can come from redding it (besides for some frustration perhaps). We hear about shidduchim -all the time- that end up working things out that we never would have imagined. We all have friends and our wives have friends and cousins etc. there has to be something that makes some sense somewhere!

Again, one never knows who the shliach may be and the zichusim are tremendous. One of today’s Gedoley Hador told me that the zechus of trying to set someone up - just letting them know that you are thinking of them - is immeasurable.

Hopefully I enlightened someone out there and I am very interested in hearing feedback. Hatzlocho !