Don't believe everything you read?

What's puberty?

The no pressure date

Marketing from a woman's perspective

In case you were wondering what marketing is all about...

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.

Looking your best

What Men Are Really Saying:

"I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me."

The Wedding Test:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

Horrible four-letter words ?

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home. Please Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. Come get me, please."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Young and in love?

Tough to shop for?

The beginning of the war of the sexes?

So who really has the harder "job" ?

Way too needy?

Wine , bread and Thou

Not tonight , dear ?

Not Tonight, Dear

Joan Sewell talks about her new book, I'd Rather Eat Chocolate, and the politically incorrect reality that most married women just aren't that into sex

A coupon?

It's all about perspective... ?

Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbor. "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock every single morning! My poor son, who wakes up at the crack of dawn has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made my son get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, he has to make dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"

The neighbor sighs and asks, "Nu... and how is your daughter?"

"Oh, now my daughter has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists she pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning and he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard. He even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!"

Are men afraid of women?

Are men afraid of women?

If yes, did it begin by being afraid of their mothers when they were young?

Did it begin by seeing their fathers afraid of their mothers?

Did I Lose It ??

Super Bowl tickets

A man had box seat tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks him if anyone is sittng in the seat next to him.

"No," the man replies.

"That's incredible", the man comments, "who in their right mind would have a great seat like this for the Super Bowl, and not use it?"

The first man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married almost 50 years ago."

"Oh,.. I'm sorry, to hear that," the man stammered, That's terrible, but couldn't you find someone, perhaps one of your children, or a close friend to join you?

"No", the man replies sadly, "they're all at the funeral."

A law against bigamy?

Men Are Just Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000 Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.