After waiting more than an hour and a halffor her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Confessions from the professional shadchan:
Confessions from the professional Shadchan:
I am a great shadchan! Who knows how to date successfully better than me? Nobody! There are a couple secrets that I will reveal here to guarantee your success. Follow them to a tee and I guarantee results. If I reveal my name singles from all over will know how on target I can be, and I simply would never be able to handle the influx of singles who would contact me for shidduchim. So for the greater good of everyone dating out there I will give off these pearls of dating wisdom for free, anonymously.
We all know there are people out there who do not understand the implications of family values that are reflected by simple daily actions. Do not worry about the big things like how anyone plans to support a family; we all know Hashem will take care of those things. It is the small things that really tell you about someone. For example, a family's health is easily discernable by the dress size of the mother. It is these small yet usually overlooked details that are obviously just the tip of the iceberg when trying to understand what type of family you are investigating. I know these things as a professional shadchan who has set up hundreds of singles. If only these single people listened to each of my rules, they would all be married by now. Since they do not listen, they are still single. I want to help you find the perfect person to marry. The small details are what will set you apart from those in the "Shidduch crisis".
Lets start with preparations for the date.
In the course of your life you will probably have numerous jobs but only one spouse. When you go on a job interview, you wear a suit. A date is not just an interview, it is more important than that, and you should show your date you are serious about dating by wearing the nicest clothes you own.
Men - The Shadchan should tell you when to pick up the girl. Most shadchanim are excited about setting up a couple so they will tell you a time too early. Whatever time the shadchan tells you to pick up the girl, show up twenty minutes later and claim you were so engrossed in learning you lost track of time. Girls love that!
Women - After reading this, you know the boy will be showing up late for his first date. Just as he tries to impress you by being late, you do the same thing to him. Guys love a challenge. When the boy comes to the door, do NOT open it! Let your mom (also who must be dressed appropriately for a date) open the door to show she takes care of the family. Then your date should be led to your father who should sit and talk to the boy for at least ten minutes before you come down. This builds up the boys' anticipation. By the time you make your appearance the boy will see you and simply fall in love when all his expectations were met. You are dressed in your best Shabbos clothes, so bring a long coat. Never mind the weather, bring the coat: You will see why later.
Transportation:
Men - NEVER open a car door for a girl. If you do, she may think you are doing so simply to catch a glimpse of her legs as she maneuvers into the front seat. Show her you are better than that!
Women - NEVER wear the seatbelt. I heard of stories where the boys would stop short simply to force the girl into the seatbelt to reveal her figure. If you do not wear the seatbelt, the boy will be forced to drive safely. If the boy asks you to put one on, he is obviously perverted on some level.
Where to go on a date:
I heard there is this whacko who takes his dates to places that are fun. He obviously goes to places that are fun to mask his insecurity, and is not ready to date for real. Prove to the girl that you are so secure with your own personality that you go where everyone else goes! Obviously the best place is a nice hotel lobby.
Men - Never offer to sit at a small table if the chairs are positioned across from each other. This may lead to your feet accidentally touching the girls feet under the table. Offer to sit on a couch. If you are right handed, you must sit on her right side. This way your uncomfortable left hand will never accidentally do anything to brush against her. If there is any possibility of this happening, you are sitting WAY to close on the couch which will make her uncomfortable. Shimmy away into the corner of the couch. If she shimmies to the other corner, you know things are progressing properly.
Women- It really doesn't matter what side of the couch you sit on. Unlike most men, you can control what you do with your hands. Do not lean to far back into the couch as the boy will think you are showing off your figure. Do not slouch to far forward as the boy will think you are trying to show off your behind. Sit as straight as possible with your hands resting on your lap. Your long coat will be draped over your lap to shade your feet from his peripheral vision.
Walking:
Let's say it is a pleasant night and you want to go for a walk. Even something as simple as a walk can seal or wreck a relationship. Know the rules and your next walk will be down the aisle.
Men- Show the girl early that you are in control and always walk one step ahead of her. Women like men of power and on the first date you can show her who is boss! She will respect you.
Women - In today's modern world, men think they rule everything, but we know who the boss really is. As the boy is walking, let him stay one step ahead of you. But, you can really show him who's boss by walking one step slower than him. This will force him to walk slower. You will be secretly controlling him and he will think he is being nice by not saying anything. The slower you walk, the more powerful he thinks he is, and the more powerful you really are! You will both impress each other.
Dropping off your date:
Ending the date the right way will provide either a second date or an opportunity for a better shidduch date next time. Men: A) No matter what - tell the girl you had a great time and you can't wait to talk again soon. This way, no matter what, you will make the girl feel happy as you part ways.
B) There is never a reason to walk a girl to her door. That is goyish and only belongs in the movies.
Women: A) No matter what - Agree with the guy no matter what he says. You can always claim to the shadchan you, or he, said something else. This way, no matter what, as the boy leaves, you will make him feel happy as you part ways.
B) In our circles, boys do not walk girls to the door, so no matter how hot it may be outside, make sure you are wearing that long Shabbos coat. This way, when you walk away from the car, the boy who may want to look at your figure will see nothing but how modest you are in your dress. The boy may show how modest he is by driving away as soon as you exit his car. This shows you that he is modest enough not to look at you. Either way- it's the best way a date can end if you both know the proper behavior.
We are all brought up in separate schools, we go to separate camps, we should not talk to each other after Shul, we do not even sit with each other at weddings. In our world, we do not mix. We have no reason to rely on the etiquette used by those lesser people who meet under so called "normal" circumstances. As long as everyone would follow the same rules as mentioned above, there would be no shidduch "crisis" at all.
It is the troublemakers who think for themselves and think there is a better way who ruin it for all of us.
You may want to do things a little different to show that you are "special". That is fine, but if you take that risk, my guarantee for success will no longer be in effect. You can do what you want, but trust me on the long Shabbos coat.
Good Luck.
Shadchan A.
I am a great shadchan! Who knows how to date successfully better than me? Nobody! There are a couple secrets that I will reveal here to guarantee your success. Follow them to a tee and I guarantee results. If I reveal my name singles from all over will know how on target I can be, and I simply would never be able to handle the influx of singles who would contact me for shidduchim. So for the greater good of everyone dating out there I will give off these pearls of dating wisdom for free, anonymously.
We all know there are people out there who do not understand the implications of family values that are reflected by simple daily actions. Do not worry about the big things like how anyone plans to support a family; we all know Hashem will take care of those things. It is the small things that really tell you about someone. For example, a family's health is easily discernable by the dress size of the mother. It is these small yet usually overlooked details that are obviously just the tip of the iceberg when trying to understand what type of family you are investigating. I know these things as a professional shadchan who has set up hundreds of singles. If only these single people listened to each of my rules, they would all be married by now. Since they do not listen, they are still single. I want to help you find the perfect person to marry. The small details are what will set you apart from those in the "Shidduch crisis".
Lets start with preparations for the date.
In the course of your life you will probably have numerous jobs but only one spouse. When you go on a job interview, you wear a suit. A date is not just an interview, it is more important than that, and you should show your date you are serious about dating by wearing the nicest clothes you own.
Men - The Shadchan should tell you when to pick up the girl. Most shadchanim are excited about setting up a couple so they will tell you a time too early. Whatever time the shadchan tells you to pick up the girl, show up twenty minutes later and claim you were so engrossed in learning you lost track of time. Girls love that!
Women - After reading this, you know the boy will be showing up late for his first date. Just as he tries to impress you by being late, you do the same thing to him. Guys love a challenge. When the boy comes to the door, do NOT open it! Let your mom (also who must be dressed appropriately for a date) open the door to show she takes care of the family. Then your date should be led to your father who should sit and talk to the boy for at least ten minutes before you come down. This builds up the boys' anticipation. By the time you make your appearance the boy will see you and simply fall in love when all his expectations were met. You are dressed in your best Shabbos clothes, so bring a long coat. Never mind the weather, bring the coat: You will see why later.
Transportation:
Men - NEVER open a car door for a girl. If you do, she may think you are doing so simply to catch a glimpse of her legs as she maneuvers into the front seat. Show her you are better than that!
Women - NEVER wear the seatbelt. I heard of stories where the boys would stop short simply to force the girl into the seatbelt to reveal her figure. If you do not wear the seatbelt, the boy will be forced to drive safely. If the boy asks you to put one on, he is obviously perverted on some level.
Where to go on a date:
I heard there is this whacko who takes his dates to places that are fun. He obviously goes to places that are fun to mask his insecurity, and is not ready to date for real. Prove to the girl that you are so secure with your own personality that you go where everyone else goes! Obviously the best place is a nice hotel lobby.
Men - Never offer to sit at a small table if the chairs are positioned across from each other. This may lead to your feet accidentally touching the girls feet under the table. Offer to sit on a couch. If you are right handed, you must sit on her right side. This way your uncomfortable left hand will never accidentally do anything to brush against her. If there is any possibility of this happening, you are sitting WAY to close on the couch which will make her uncomfortable. Shimmy away into the corner of the couch. If she shimmies to the other corner, you know things are progressing properly.
Women- It really doesn't matter what side of the couch you sit on. Unlike most men, you can control what you do with your hands. Do not lean to far back into the couch as the boy will think you are showing off your figure. Do not slouch to far forward as the boy will think you are trying to show off your behind. Sit as straight as possible with your hands resting on your lap. Your long coat will be draped over your lap to shade your feet from his peripheral vision.
Walking:
Let's say it is a pleasant night and you want to go for a walk. Even something as simple as a walk can seal or wreck a relationship. Know the rules and your next walk will be down the aisle.
Men- Show the girl early that you are in control and always walk one step ahead of her. Women like men of power and on the first date you can show her who is boss! She will respect you.
Women - In today's modern world, men think they rule everything, but we know who the boss really is. As the boy is walking, let him stay one step ahead of you. But, you can really show him who's boss by walking one step slower than him. This will force him to walk slower. You will be secretly controlling him and he will think he is being nice by not saying anything. The slower you walk, the more powerful he thinks he is, and the more powerful you really are! You will both impress each other.
Dropping off your date:
Ending the date the right way will provide either a second date or an opportunity for a better shidduch date next time. Men: A) No matter what - tell the girl you had a great time and you can't wait to talk again soon. This way, no matter what, you will make the girl feel happy as you part ways.
B) There is never a reason to walk a girl to her door. That is goyish and only belongs in the movies.
Women: A) No matter what - Agree with the guy no matter what he says. You can always claim to the shadchan you, or he, said something else. This way, no matter what, as the boy leaves, you will make him feel happy as you part ways.
B) In our circles, boys do not walk girls to the door, so no matter how hot it may be outside, make sure you are wearing that long Shabbos coat. This way, when you walk away from the car, the boy who may want to look at your figure will see nothing but how modest you are in your dress. The boy may show how modest he is by driving away as soon as you exit his car. This shows you that he is modest enough not to look at you. Either way- it's the best way a date can end if you both know the proper behavior.
We are all brought up in separate schools, we go to separate camps, we should not talk to each other after Shul, we do not even sit with each other at weddings. In our world, we do not mix. We have no reason to rely on the etiquette used by those lesser people who meet under so called "normal" circumstances. As long as everyone would follow the same rules as mentioned above, there would be no shidduch "crisis" at all.
It is the troublemakers who think for themselves and think there is a better way who ruin it for all of us.
You may want to do things a little different to show that you are "special". That is fine, but if you take that risk, my guarantee for success will no longer be in effect. You can do what you want, but trust me on the long Shabbos coat.
Good Luck.
Shadchan A.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
5 Lessons for Dating for Marriage
Women share their advice gleaned from years of challenging dating.
Talia* had been dating since she was 20 years old and finally found her husband at 45; Ricki found her husband after a broken engagement, a huge change in lifestyle and approach to dating, and many plane rides at the age of 37; Sarah didn't know how she'd find her husband, coming from a traditional background while working toward a career as a doctor. During a frank, open discussion, these women offered practical advice from their years of challenging dating. Here are their top five lessons.
1. Be Self-Centered!
Being single is a great opportunity to improve one's self as an individual. Rather than being detrimentally self-centered, work on being the best YOU you can possibly be. Sarah admits how much she had to grow over her eight years of dating for marriage in order to maturely choose her husband. "I realized that life is all about improving yourself. The more you work on yourself, the better your destined match will be."
In a similar vein, Ricki jokes, "The attitude is not like: 'Hey, where is my husband? Give him to me.' Life is true work -- nothing is guaranteed."
Marriage is seen by many as a bond that secures one's place in society, but as a single don't forget your importance as an individual in society. During her 25 years of dating Talia did not allow herself to get depressed. Instead she occupied herself with giving to her family and community while working on her career as a therapist. "Believe you are an important part of society. Believe that being single is not your fault, that you really do want to get married, and you deserve to get married." Feel positively about yourself, your contributions to society, and your worthiness of marriage. Positivity always enjoys company!
And be sure to take care of yourself. "Put a smile on your face and wear nice clothing," Ricki says. "Many different people are watching you and may have ideas of suitable guys."
2. See Past the Head-Over-Heels Love-At-First-Sight Fantasy
"Many times girls are stuck in the mentality that they should feel butterflies when they meet the right person, but it's not like that," Ricki explains. "You can first just like someone and then get to know their personality, and that's when real feelings are in the making."
Rather than focusing mainly on the attraction factor, take time to get to know the person's inner personality. "We have very preconceived notions when we are dating," Talia says. "If older singles didn't put so much emphasis on things they think are important it would be easier for them. Like whether he is taller, shorter, heavier, thinner, good-looking, less good-looking. All those things are so not important."
"You could marry almost anyone as long as your goals are the same and you have open communication about where you are heading in life."
Readiness for marriage and a conscious commitment to making it work are crucial. Talia continues, "You could marry almost anyone as long as your goals are the same and you have open communication about where you are heading in life."
"Be open and don't have a massive list of criteria," Ricki says. She ended up marrying a man of a different nationality and moved to his hometown, though these options did not match her preferences at all. "When you think of most girls, they don't marry men who fit their original list of criteria because ultimately there is a higher plan and it doesn't include things like 'he should be this tall or have this degree or own this or that.'"
A final practical tip: "You should always go on a second date unless you absolutely have no physical attraction with that person."
3. Get Help (from the right sources)
The world of dating is not always a friendly one -- from singles get-togethers to matchmakers to friends just trying to help out -- and proper guidance is a must in such an important undertaking as finding one's partner in life.
Talia, for instance, warns against speaking with other singles and encourages having an objective third party act as a coach and go-between. "A lot of older singles become very negative and down and it comes across when you ask information about a guy. It's very beneficial to have a mentor who can guide you in the dating, someone you can talk and meet with who can give guidance on how to move the relationship along."
"The most success I had was with my friends who cared about me and were trying to look out for me," Sarah says. "They knew I needed someone learning and very intelligent."
4. Extend Yourself
Keep your eyes and ears open. Even if a date doesn't work out in the way you hoped, it may be a way to do an amazing act of kindness for a friend.
"Dating is such a great opportunity to also think of other women who may be suitable for the guy that wasn't right for you," Ricki says. "Be very grateful that you had the pleasure of going out on a date and then think who you know that could be suitable for this person. Extend a kindness to someone else." When we are kind to others, that kindness often comes back to us, and even greater.
5. Don't Give Up and Don't Stop Praying
With 25 years of dating experience one can only imagine the great storehouses of faith Talia had to rely on. "Deep faith can get you through anything," she says. "You have to really believe to the core of your being."
In addition to this, work on staying happy and thankful for the many positive things that fill your life. "Even when it is really difficult for us we must realize that this is our test," Ricki says. "For those girls who get married quickly, that is not their test."
In whatever language you know best, talk to the Almighty and affirm your belief that He can help you.
To sign up for the Inspire Kallah E-newsletter: http://inspirekallah.blogspot.com
*All names changed
Published: Saturday, March 22, 2008
Talia* had been dating since she was 20 years old and finally found her husband at 45; Ricki found her husband after a broken engagement, a huge change in lifestyle and approach to dating, and many plane rides at the age of 37; Sarah didn't know how she'd find her husband, coming from a traditional background while working toward a career as a doctor. During a frank, open discussion, these women offered practical advice from their years of challenging dating. Here are their top five lessons.
1. Be Self-Centered!
Being single is a great opportunity to improve one's self as an individual. Rather than being detrimentally self-centered, work on being the best YOU you can possibly be. Sarah admits how much she had to grow over her eight years of dating for marriage in order to maturely choose her husband. "I realized that life is all about improving yourself. The more you work on yourself, the better your destined match will be."
In a similar vein, Ricki jokes, "The attitude is not like: 'Hey, where is my husband? Give him to me.' Life is true work -- nothing is guaranteed."
Marriage is seen by many as a bond that secures one's place in society, but as a single don't forget your importance as an individual in society. During her 25 years of dating Talia did not allow herself to get depressed. Instead she occupied herself with giving to her family and community while working on her career as a therapist. "Believe you are an important part of society. Believe that being single is not your fault, that you really do want to get married, and you deserve to get married." Feel positively about yourself, your contributions to society, and your worthiness of marriage. Positivity always enjoys company!
And be sure to take care of yourself. "Put a smile on your face and wear nice clothing," Ricki says. "Many different people are watching you and may have ideas of suitable guys."
2. See Past the Head-Over-Heels Love-At-First-Sight Fantasy
"Many times girls are stuck in the mentality that they should feel butterflies when they meet the right person, but it's not like that," Ricki explains. "You can first just like someone and then get to know their personality, and that's when real feelings are in the making."
Rather than focusing mainly on the attraction factor, take time to get to know the person's inner personality. "We have very preconceived notions when we are dating," Talia says. "If older singles didn't put so much emphasis on things they think are important it would be easier for them. Like whether he is taller, shorter, heavier, thinner, good-looking, less good-looking. All those things are so not important."
"You could marry almost anyone as long as your goals are the same and you have open communication about where you are heading in life."
Readiness for marriage and a conscious commitment to making it work are crucial. Talia continues, "You could marry almost anyone as long as your goals are the same and you have open communication about where you are heading in life."
"Be open and don't have a massive list of criteria," Ricki says. She ended up marrying a man of a different nationality and moved to his hometown, though these options did not match her preferences at all. "When you think of most girls, they don't marry men who fit their original list of criteria because ultimately there is a higher plan and it doesn't include things like 'he should be this tall or have this degree or own this or that.'"
A final practical tip: "You should always go on a second date unless you absolutely have no physical attraction with that person."
3. Get Help (from the right sources)
The world of dating is not always a friendly one -- from singles get-togethers to matchmakers to friends just trying to help out -- and proper guidance is a must in such an important undertaking as finding one's partner in life.
Talia, for instance, warns against speaking with other singles and encourages having an objective third party act as a coach and go-between. "A lot of older singles become very negative and down and it comes across when you ask information about a guy. It's very beneficial to have a mentor who can guide you in the dating, someone you can talk and meet with who can give guidance on how to move the relationship along."
"The most success I had was with my friends who cared about me and were trying to look out for me," Sarah says. "They knew I needed someone learning and very intelligent."
4. Extend Yourself
Keep your eyes and ears open. Even if a date doesn't work out in the way you hoped, it may be a way to do an amazing act of kindness for a friend.
"Dating is such a great opportunity to also think of other women who may be suitable for the guy that wasn't right for you," Ricki says. "Be very grateful that you had the pleasure of going out on a date and then think who you know that could be suitable for this person. Extend a kindness to someone else." When we are kind to others, that kindness often comes back to us, and even greater.
5. Don't Give Up and Don't Stop Praying
With 25 years of dating experience one can only imagine the great storehouses of faith Talia had to rely on. "Deep faith can get you through anything," she says. "You have to really believe to the core of your being."
In addition to this, work on staying happy and thankful for the many positive things that fill your life. "Even when it is really difficult for us we must realize that this is our test," Ricki says. "For those girls who get married quickly, that is not their test."
In whatever language you know best, talk to the Almighty and affirm your belief that He can help you.
To sign up for the Inspire Kallah E-newsletter: http://inspirekallah.blogspot.com
*All names changed
Published: Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Ditch your dating fears
Ditch your dating fears By Kimberly Dawn Neumann
Yes, dating can be scary! You’ve got such high hopes and you’re putting your heart on the line, so it makes sense you’d find yourself a little freaked. But don’t let your jitters ruin a rendezvous. Here’s how we can help make that happen: We decided to address some of the most common insecurities that people experience in those early dating days. Our simple tips help you turn your worry into a “Wow, that was fun!” feeling.
Dating Insecurity #1: “I’m not my date’s type.”
Stressed that Mr./Ms. Adorable won’t approve of your looks, outfit, career, personality, dating history, etc.? This line of thinking won’t do anything but make you a nervous wreck. A better bet? Flip it. “The purpose of a date is to decide whether you want another one, not whether the person likes you,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. So just act as if your date is the one auditioning for approval—because it’s true. “This will allow you to relax so you can enjoy the moment,” says Dr. Neuharth.
Dating Insecurity #2: “I’m going to do something stupid.”
You worry that you’ll spill red wine in your date’s lap, choke on a nacho, slip on the sidewalk or have some other mortifying mishap… suddenly you’ll be every shade of red and your date will think you’re a dork, right? Think again. Even if something like this were to happen, here’s the upside: Showing your vulnerable side can actually endear you to your match. “Some happy couples’ fondest memories and oft-repeated stories are about early embarrassing moments, like snorting when laughing or dipping your sleeve in soy sauce,” says Dr. Neuharth. “When you see another person being embarrassed, it humanizes that person and you feel a natural kinship.” So if the unimaginable happens, laugh (instead of freaking out or apologizing over and over all night) and embrace that you’re now part of the “embarrassing dating moments” club.
Dating Insecurity #3: “What if I have to let this person down eventually?”
“Before a date, I always worry about how I’ll handle things if I don’t want to see the guy again and he’s into me,” says Christina Avion, 32, Los Angeles, CA. “I feel terrible about the prospect of having to reject someone and can work myself up into a real state over it.” Hey, it’s nice to be concerned about your date’s feelings, but a candlelit dinner doesn’t equal signing up for happily ever after. “As the saying goes, you can’t make a good omelet without breaking a few eggs,” says Dr. Neuharth. So quit over-thinking and deal with turning the person down when and if it’s actually necessary. Should that be the case, Dr. Neuharth suggests replying with “I don’t think we’re a match” or simply “No, thank you” when you’re asked for another date. And while it feels like you’re delivering some huge blow, try some perspective: “Letting someone down shows that you respect the person’s time, and most adults can take care of themselves,” says Dr. Neuharth.
Dating Insecurity #4: “I’ll accidentally offend my date.”
You roll your eyes at the mention of a pretentious film festival, only to realize your dinner partner was actually inviting you along. How do you recover? “If you offend someone, the magic words are simply ‘I’m sorry,’” says Dr. Neuharth. You can’t possibly know everything about your date, so you may unintentionally cross a no-no line. If you apologize sincerely but your date is still touchy, then you probably wouldn’t work out with that person long-term anyway. But if he or she appreciates your contrition, you can move on to more interesting (and neutral) subjects.
Dating Insecurity #5: “I’m so bad at small talk.”
Feeling conversationally challenged? Whether you tend to talk a mile-a-minute or go silent and slack-jawed, hiccups in first-date banter can be panic-inducing. “I went out with a guy who barely spoke, so I found myself spilling personal information about myself, my family and my job just because I couldn’t handle the silence,” admits Jennifer Byrne, 35, Minneapolis, MN. If you tend to blab when you’re nervous or to fill an awkward silence, remind yourself that it’s not your job to carry the conversation single-handedly. “Your date is capable of coming up with things to talk about, too,” says Dr. Neuharth. “Pause, listen or even break the ice by saying, ‘Don’t you hate awkward silences on dates?” A tactic that’s good for people who tend to clam up? Always have a couple of great conversation-starting questions in your back pocket, like “What’s the one weekend activity you never get tired of?” or “What adventures do you hope to have before the year is over?”
Dating Insecurity #6: “The ending of the date is always awkward.”
Stressing about the goodnight moment before you even order dessert: Kiss or no kiss? Shake hands? Go for a hug? Ask for another date? The best solution is to let your gut guide you. If you had a good time, say so with feeling. If you didn’t, just say “thank you.” And if you’re not sure whether to smooch, just smile broadly, squeeze your honey’s hand, and turn to depart. It gives your date the perfect opportunity to make a move without any weirdness if he or she doesn’t go for a kiss. “If you two clicked, there will be more dates and the endings will become easier and probably more delicious!” says Dr. Neuharth. Which is a nice thought that you can use to calm your nerves during a date.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based writer whose work has appeared in publications including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Women’s Health, and Fitness.
Yes, dating can be scary! You’ve got such high hopes and you’re putting your heart on the line, so it makes sense you’d find yourself a little freaked. But don’t let your jitters ruin a rendezvous. Here’s how we can help make that happen: We decided to address some of the most common insecurities that people experience in those early dating days. Our simple tips help you turn your worry into a “Wow, that was fun!” feeling.
Dating Insecurity #1: “I’m not my date’s type.”
Stressed that Mr./Ms. Adorable won’t approve of your looks, outfit, career, personality, dating history, etc.? This line of thinking won’t do anything but make you a nervous wreck. A better bet? Flip it. “The purpose of a date is to decide whether you want another one, not whether the person likes you,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. So just act as if your date is the one auditioning for approval—because it’s true. “This will allow you to relax so you can enjoy the moment,” says Dr. Neuharth.
Dating Insecurity #2: “I’m going to do something stupid.”
You worry that you’ll spill red wine in your date’s lap, choke on a nacho, slip on the sidewalk or have some other mortifying mishap… suddenly you’ll be every shade of red and your date will think you’re a dork, right? Think again. Even if something like this were to happen, here’s the upside: Showing your vulnerable side can actually endear you to your match. “Some happy couples’ fondest memories and oft-repeated stories are about early embarrassing moments, like snorting when laughing or dipping your sleeve in soy sauce,” says Dr. Neuharth. “When you see another person being embarrassed, it humanizes that person and you feel a natural kinship.” So if the unimaginable happens, laugh (instead of freaking out or apologizing over and over all night) and embrace that you’re now part of the “embarrassing dating moments” club.
Dating Insecurity #3: “What if I have to let this person down eventually?”
“Before a date, I always worry about how I’ll handle things if I don’t want to see the guy again and he’s into me,” says Christina Avion, 32, Los Angeles, CA. “I feel terrible about the prospect of having to reject someone and can work myself up into a real state over it.” Hey, it’s nice to be concerned about your date’s feelings, but a candlelit dinner doesn’t equal signing up for happily ever after. “As the saying goes, you can’t make a good omelet without breaking a few eggs,” says Dr. Neuharth. So quit over-thinking and deal with turning the person down when and if it’s actually necessary. Should that be the case, Dr. Neuharth suggests replying with “I don’t think we’re a match” or simply “No, thank you” when you’re asked for another date. And while it feels like you’re delivering some huge blow, try some perspective: “Letting someone down shows that you respect the person’s time, and most adults can take care of themselves,” says Dr. Neuharth.
Dating Insecurity #4: “I’ll accidentally offend my date.”
You roll your eyes at the mention of a pretentious film festival, only to realize your dinner partner was actually inviting you along. How do you recover? “If you offend someone, the magic words are simply ‘I’m sorry,’” says Dr. Neuharth. You can’t possibly know everything about your date, so you may unintentionally cross a no-no line. If you apologize sincerely but your date is still touchy, then you probably wouldn’t work out with that person long-term anyway. But if he or she appreciates your contrition, you can move on to more interesting (and neutral) subjects.
Dating Insecurity #5: “I’m so bad at small talk.”
Feeling conversationally challenged? Whether you tend to talk a mile-a-minute or go silent and slack-jawed, hiccups in first-date banter can be panic-inducing. “I went out with a guy who barely spoke, so I found myself spilling personal information about myself, my family and my job just because I couldn’t handle the silence,” admits Jennifer Byrne, 35, Minneapolis, MN. If you tend to blab when you’re nervous or to fill an awkward silence, remind yourself that it’s not your job to carry the conversation single-handedly. “Your date is capable of coming up with things to talk about, too,” says Dr. Neuharth. “Pause, listen or even break the ice by saying, ‘Don’t you hate awkward silences on dates?” A tactic that’s good for people who tend to clam up? Always have a couple of great conversation-starting questions in your back pocket, like “What’s the one weekend activity you never get tired of?” or “What adventures do you hope to have before the year is over?”
Dating Insecurity #6: “The ending of the date is always awkward.”
Stressing about the goodnight moment before you even order dessert: Kiss or no kiss? Shake hands? Go for a hug? Ask for another date? The best solution is to let your gut guide you. If you had a good time, say so with feeling. If you didn’t, just say “thank you.” And if you’re not sure whether to smooch, just smile broadly, squeeze your honey’s hand, and turn to depart. It gives your date the perfect opportunity to make a move without any weirdness if he or she doesn’t go for a kiss. “If you two clicked, there will be more dates and the endings will become easier and probably more delicious!” says Dr. Neuharth. Which is a nice thought that you can use to calm your nerves during a date.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based writer whose work has appeared in publications including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Women’s Health, and Fitness.
Monday, March 17, 2008
The dumbest kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the
quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the
game's over!"
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the
quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the
game's over!"
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Wisdom of Socrates
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'
'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'
'Test of Three?'
'That's correct,' Socrates continued.
'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'
'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'
'No, on the contrary...'
'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'
'No, not really...'
'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'
'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'
'Test of Three?'
'That's correct,' Socrates continued.
'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'
'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'
'No, on the contrary...'
'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'
'No, not really...'
'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
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