Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200
HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800
FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60
THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35
COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200
HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800
FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60
THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35
COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20
Thursday, August 21, 2008
$5000. vs $200. ?
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
The answer to why .....
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me G-D, can I ask you a few questions?"
G-D replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"
G-D replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The Average American
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
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