NYC Shopping...

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Why yeshivish shidduchim are happening ?

An Open Letter to Seminary Girls: Etiquette in Geulah

CommentsBy Yeshiva Guy

In a tradition dating back to the opening of the doors of the first seminary way back when in the fifties, the second week of Elul is host to an ingathering of exiles, so to speak. I refer to the yearly migration of those known colloquially as Sem Girls. Otherwise known as our holy seminary sisters. Yes, every year around this time they invade Geulah. They take Malchei Yisroel and transform it from the once sleepy Yerushlayimer shopping and food center it was into a yearlong virtual sleepover.
Somehow, the Ribono Shel Olam has seen fit to force us, Yeshiva Guys, and them to co-exist in the same space. And like many other things in life, this is something I don’t understand; yet I accept it. But I do have some things I want to get off of my chest…
Every year, us Yeshiva Guys moan and groan about these issues. We go on the same diatribes, vent recurrently to ourselves, and wish things were different. Well, this year I’m determined to change all that. So below find some of the many things that you do to tick us off- kindly take note, and refrain from doing so.
Don’t:
-Talk loudly on your pelephones about nothing. If you must do so, at least make sure to slowly and clearly, enunciating every syllable, list off your fathers’ bank accounts so I, too, can enjoy unlimited cakes from Moishy’s Bakery.
-Wear Crocs in public. This is NOT cool, and does not fit in with the Bas Melech image your teachers will be attempting to teach you over the next year.
-Daven mincha on the street because shkiah “just…happened” and you have no place to daven. Either watch your watch, like we do, or don’t daven. As much as it may pain you to learn this, females are not bound by time-related commandments.
-Loudly barter with the shopkeeper as if he were deaf in your Americanized Harry-ess Ivrit that you think you’re proficient in. You’re not. Either learn and speak the language with the local accent, or stick with the English you don’t know. Trust me, the locals understand your English better than your Ivrit.
-Feel the need to litter the entire Yerushalayim with the yellow/purple/clear plastic/paper cups that you just got from Fro-Yo or Sams or Mitzei Uri. It’s nice that you enjoy them, and it’s wonderful that you’re supporting local merchants and all, but really, what about recycling?
-Rave about Rabbi Orlofsky’s shiur last night that is definitely, positively, OMG OMG gonna change your life. We all know it won’t. And if really was such a life changer, you wouldn’t still be sipping that Mitz Pri as you stroll down Yechezkel. Only dogs eat/drink in the street. Not people. Or even sem girls.
-Feel like you have to go to the Machlis’, the Blind Couple, and every other chavayah during your stay here. You can still be Jewish without going to those people. I know, because I still am.
-Use the default ringer on your Disposa-phone that came with your seminary’s suggested student plan. Hashem gave you kids all that creativity and individuality to be able to create all those plays and singa-thons and dances and whatever. Express it. If I hear that la-di-dah-di-dah one more time I may just…
-Feel obligated to take over Sams Bagels between 1-4 every afternoon. How about just ordering your food and taking it back to your dorm, huh? I’ll arrange for the teenaged Israeli shibob with the knockoff UnderArmour spray shirt to give you an oversized bag so everyone will know you went…M’kay?
-Be scared to take Arab taxis. Your seminary Giveret is bluffing you. The story about the girls who took one once and…yeah. It never happened. Sorry, I know Israel is much more exciting that way, but…
-Buy leather-bound Tehillims/Siddurim for all of your cousins/aunts/uncles. That creativity thing? Again, demonstrate.
-And finally,under NO circumstances are you to enter Pitzuchei Moshiach. PM is a male-only establishment. Aside from the narrow aisle issue, PM is just…well…sacred. Don’t defile it. Go to any one of the other fine nut houses.
So welcome to our town. Geulah is our turf. You can have Har Nof, Sortozkin, MInchas Yitzchak, Ramat Eshkol, and the other shchunos. But Geulah is our turf. We own it.
So adios, and seeya back in America.
Yeshiva Guy

Shortest story

Marriage a Habit ?

Eat, Pray, Love. Then What? Get Married.
Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, “Committed,” is scheduled for release in January
By MOTOKO RICH
Published: August 19, 2009

......
“I spent about 10 months trying to learn as much as I could possibly learn about this very frustrating, contradictory and ultimately interesting human habit,” Ms. Gilbert said."

Definition of a Wife:

(B)eautiful (I)ntelligent (T)alented (C)harming (H)omemaker

These are actual Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers

I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs - religion not important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar b'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the 'fast' lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to, share your innermost thought and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for 8 days. Who knows?

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made, looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Kiss

Words of Wisdom...

It's ok to kiss a fool.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.
But don't let a kiss fool you.

Another Obama Program .... for the shidduch crises

Another Obama Program

After successfully solving the banking, mortgage, automobile, and housing crisis’s, President Barack Obama has now turned his attention to solving the ultimate problem - The Shidduch Crisis.

After much consultation with his close advisors, the president has unveiled his Kallah’s for Clunkers program. With broad bipartisan support, and modeled after the successful Cars for Clunkers program, the deal offers any married man $4500 to leave his current wife and engage a girl of at least 22 years of age. With this one bold act, thousands of young girls currently in crises mode will be taken off the market, making the even younger girls available for the just freezer-released Yeshiva bochurim.

In addition, the anticipated surge of uffrufs, weddings, and sheva brochos that this initiative will cause, will hopefully jumpstart and stimulate the stagnant heimishe economy, with spending on simchah baskets, party planners, and other wasteful expenditures. President Obama has successfully resolved a crisis that many experts have spent so many years trying to solve proving true once again his slogan – Obama: Exchange We Can Believe In!

Is There Hope for the American Marriage?

.........................

The fundamental question we must ask ourselves at the beginning of the century is this: What is the purpose of marriage? Is it — given the game-changing realities of birth control, female equality and the fact that motherhood outside of marriage is no longer stigmatized — simply an institution that has the capacity to increase the pleasure of the adults who enter into it? If so, we might as well hold the wake now: there probably aren't many people whose idea of 24-hour-a-day good times consists of being yoked to the same romantic partner, through bouts of stomach flu and depression, financial setbacks and emotional upsets, until after many a long decade, one or the other eventually dies in harness.

Or is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old.

Just look at the hottest new trend in marriage: the 50-year itch

Just look at the hottest new trend in marriage: the 50-year itch.


Linda Lea Viken is a 32-year veteran divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D. She said she’s seeing a dramatic uptick in the number of divorces among senior citizens. “I’m doing divorces of 50-year marriages,” she said. “You want to say to yourself, ‘You’ve made it this far — are you kidding me?’”

She says the trend is driven by everything from longer life expectancies to the impact of Viagra on the sex lives of seniors. But she also thinks it’s a result of older people mimicking attitudes they’re picking up from younger Americans. “We’re becoming a little bit of a ‘me first’ society,” she said. “It’s becoming difficult to really understand what people want because it’s what they want right now. But tomorrow, they might want something else.”



Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/25767.html#ixzz0NM9DzAH9

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

FINDING YOUR BASHERTE

Do you love the idea of The Bachelor, but are too frum to watch it? Then you’ll l ove the new show, “The Bachur.” The concept is the same: 25 girls vying for the heart of one guy. The twist? They’re all frum!

Our Bachur this season is Avraham Yitzchak Greenbergsteinkowitz from the holy city of Coffeeneck. He has studied in some of the best yeshivas, is over 5'6” and is a lawyer, doctor AND an accountant. You might ask why such an exceptional Bachur would choose such an unusual method for meeting his bashert. “Well,” says the Bachur, “I have been dating for over 6 months now and still have not been able to find my bashert. After consulting with all 17 of my rabbeim, I felt that this intense approach would be the best way for me to do so.”

The creator of the show is none other than Perry Charshady, who is the mastermind behind other reality TV hits such as “I’m a Rebbe…Get Me Out of Here” and “So You Think You Can Shteig.”

The premise of the show is the same as that of The Bachelor,” Charshady explains, “except with some minor differences to make it more appealing to a frum, heimishe, audience.” For example, the bachurettes will face-off with challenges such as the Challah Bake-Off. The bachurette with the worst tasting challah will be sent home. And who will be the judge of something so crucial to building a bayis neeman b’yisrael? “My Imma!” exclaims the Bachur. “She makes the best challah ever, so who better to judge?” Additionally, while on The Bachelor the bachelorettes go home to meet the guy’s family, our bachurettes will have to have a meeting with the Bachur’s favorite Rebbe.

And who are these bachurettes? Well, they are all no larger than a size 4 and went to Strict College for Women where they studied to be a therapist of any type. They also all come from wealthy homes in the Metropolitan area. “I just don’t feel comfortable with out-of-towners” The Bachur explains, “No one really knows what goes on in those places. At least where I’m from, everyone knows each others business so I can really get to know what a girl is like by asking, you know, her neighbors and kindergarten teacher s about her.”

From the very first episode, it is clear that these girls are top-notch. After being the first bachurette to be sent home, Chana Shprintza Cohenbaumosky cries “How could he reject me? I mean, I went to NNI – the best seminary in all of Israel!” Later in the show, the second rejected bachurette sobs “Doesn’t he even know who my father is?!” But, not all the bachurettes are so sincerely committed to their seeming “Chesed Each Day” lifestyle. In one episode late in the season, The Bachur gets his first big shock: “I don’t always wear tights,” confesses one bachurette.

Who is this shiksa posing as an accomplished bachurette? Is she the same one concealing the fact that she has Facebook? Or is more than one bachurette hiding a dark side? “It just bothers me when someone isn’t honest with me,” The Bachur says disappointedly. “I mean, if you talk to other boys or don’t have a white tablecloth on your shabbas table then clearly you’re not frum enough for me, and if you’re not frum enough to be here, then what are you even doing here?”

So what’s the next project for Charshady? A season of The Bachurette, perhaps? “No,” says Charshady. “The Bachurette would be almost impossible to create.” Why? He explains: “This is a reality show and if we were to portray 25 buchrim trying to win over one girl, it would not be an accurate representation of reality.” He then adds “And, on a technical note, the process of find ing 25 eligible buchrim would be an almost impossible feat.”

Well, this season promises to be one filled with scandals: bare legs, Facebook and even (gasp!) Law School? “It’s always been a secret dream of mine,” reveals a teary-eyed bachurette. But, it also will be packed with fun: hotel lobbies and exotic trips to Chevron! And fear not, there will also be plenty of Tehillim said through bouts of sobbing. So tune in every motzei shabbas!

Dinner would be ready if ......

Israel - Rabbi: Haredi Bachelors Over the Age of 20 Must Leave Jerusalem

Jerusalem - Ultra-orthodox bachelors over the age of 20 must move out of Jerusalem, Rabbi Yaakov Yosef, head of the Hazon Yaakov yeshiva and son of Shas' spiritual leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef ruled this week.

According to the rabbi, in the past it was customary to banish "older" single men from the capital as punishment for their refusal to marry and provide for a family.

In recent generations, Sephardi rabbis decided to annul this regulation, but according to Rabbi Yosef it should be reinstated. "Only a yeshiva student who studies Torah has an exceptional permission to postpone marriage, if he fears that marriage might distract him from his studies.

"But normally one must not delay marriage till after 20, and those who do had better leave Jerusalem and go study somewhere else," he wrote.

Last week the rabbi discussed in his column the question of what was the right age for marriage, and concluded that men must wed no later than age 19.

"Any man who reaches the age of 20 must hurry without tarrying, or he might find himself looking for many more years," he stated.

As I Mature

Life explained

On the first day, G-d created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So G-d agreed.

On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And G-d agreed.

On the third day, G-d created the cow and said:

'You must go in to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family
. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day, G-d created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Yes,' said G-d, 'You may have your wish.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Recipes are like a dating service

But he is so laid back

Torah Dating

B'reishis - In the beginning,

Noach lech - Noach went

Vayayroh Chayay Soroh - and he saw Chaya Soroh.

Toldos - He checked out the yichus

Vayaitzay - and they went out.

Vayishlach - They didn't like each other, so they sent each other away..

Vayaishev - The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.

Mikaitz - In the end,

Vayigash - they got close

Octuplets' mom: 'All I ever wanted'

14 kids and a single mom ?

what's with the single mom idea anyway?

are men that not good? or are women not getting it either

G-d should help us all

: )

I've called off the wedding .

Many people will walk in and out of your life

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
.

Man's best excuse not to marry

Diminish the negative and accentuate the positive. ?

Diminish the negative and accentuate the positive. by M. Gary Neuman

A key to a successful relationship, sometimes ?

A key to a successful relationship, sometimes ?

Other than that he's perfect ?

What's keeping him ?

Jewpid by Eileen Rosenbloom

It's time for the Jewish people to bring some love into the world... by converting cupid.