4 Tevet
Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Joshua Isaac Shapira, a leader of 19th century European Jewry known by the nickname Reb Eisele Charif. The story is told that when his daughter was ready to get married, Reb Eisel sought out the top yeshiva student. He entered the study hall and announced: "I have a very difficult question on a passage in the Talmud. Whoever can supply the correct answer will have my daughter's hand in marriage." Soon a long line formed, and one by one the students tried to provide the answer. And one by one, Reb Eisel explained how the answers were incorrect. This went on for days, but when no one came up with the correct answer, Reb Eisel packed up and left. He had just reached the edge of the city, when he heard a voice shouting after him: "Reb Eisel, Reb Eisel!" He turned around to see a young man running in his direction. The student explained: "I know I wasn't able to satisfy the condition for marriage, but just for my own sake, could you please tell me the correct answer?" "Aha!" shouted Reb Eisel. "If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
'I want to be gorgeous too'
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The seco nd one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
'Make 'em all ugly again.'
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The seco nd one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
'Make 'em all ugly again.'
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY
MarriagE & ME
Many of us are too focused on the "me" in the equation.
Puzzled, the matchmaker requested more information. "She's actually very smart," the boy innocently revealed. "She agreed with all my opinions."
Puzzled, the matchmaker requested more information. "She's actually very smart," the boy innocently revealed. "She agreed with all my opinions."
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Playing with matches ???!!!!!
This is maybe one of the best ways, i as a shadchun feel today. i am sure all the caring shadchunim feel the same.
Hey, we are human as you all are.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Do singles really need to have anything in common ?
Actually, maybe the question should be; "Do singles really Have anything in common" ?
As much as the debate will go on about, that men and women are equal, the truth is that they are not, and will never be.
What each side should be asking is, " What can I contribute to the relationship to make it work? ".
Wishing all, a happy getting closer, Chanukkah !!!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Great Reasons To Be A Guy!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
76 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
76 Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
76 shopping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
76 "Home Alone"
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
76 a man
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
76 76
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
76 He can chew breakfast
.
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
76 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
76 Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
76 shopping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
76 "Home Alone"
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
76 a man
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
76 76
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
76 He can chew breakfast
.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A wedding is an event — a marriage is a lifelong commitment ?
These two articles were sent to me discussing today's culture of weddings and marriage.
1. Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?
2. Do Rom-Coms Spoil Our Love Lives?
IMHO , after listening and reading what is happening even in -orthodox and/or religious circles, these opinions are very true..
While there are exceptions with some realistic people out there, how many though are conditioned to be realistic?
1. Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?
2. Do Rom-Coms Spoil Our Love Lives?
IMHO , after listening and reading what is happening even in -orthodox and/or religious circles, these opinions are very true..
While there are exceptions with some realistic people out there, how many though are conditioned to be realistic?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
World stands on 3 things:
TORAH boy has to learn.
AVODA - girl has to work.
GIMILUS CHASADIM - the parents have to support them.
AVODA - girl has to work.
GIMILUS CHASADIM - the parents have to support them.
The Shidduch Crisis by Chaya Sara Schlussel
Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.
No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!
I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.
I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the yeshiva!
Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv out there for us future mother in laws.
I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:
"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."
"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"
"Huh?"
"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."
"Oh, well I don't know "
"And how tall is she?"
"Oh, she's average hei-"
"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5. She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be acceptable."
"Ok. I just-"
"What does she look like?"
"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."
"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"
"This girl is pretty."
"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"
"Yes, she's very-"
"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"
"No, I'm not sure I-"
"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's partial to BMW's."
"Oh. I didn't-"
"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child, nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."
"Actually, she's-"
"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."
"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"
"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."
"You do?"
"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha of Shabbos as much as they should."
"Well then, what should they eat on?"
"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl quiet, or is she loud?"
"She's not too quiet"
"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."
"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"
"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"
"Of course not, she's-"
"What will she wear on her head?"
"Excuse me?"
"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel? Which is it?"
"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"
"Regula r? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,' 'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or a rebbetzin?"
"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's just a good gir-"
"Did she go to camp?"
"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed home."
"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with a girl who hasn't been to camp."
"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"
"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with any girl who hasn't been to-"
"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your son."
Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch crisis!
No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!
I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.
I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the yeshiva!
Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv out there for us future mother in laws.
I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:
"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."
"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"
"Huh?"
"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."
"Oh, well I don't know "
"And how tall is she?"
"Oh, she's average hei-"
"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5. She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be acceptable."
"Ok. I just-"
"What does she look like?"
"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."
"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"
"This girl is pretty."
"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"
"Yes, she's very-"
"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"
"No, I'm not sure I-"
"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's partial to BMW's."
"Oh. I didn't-"
"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child, nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."
"Actually, she's-"
"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."
"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"
"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."
"You do?"
"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha of Shabbos as much as they should."
"Well then, what should they eat on?"
"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl quiet, or is she loud?"
"She's not too quiet"
"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."
"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"
"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"
"Of course not, she's-"
"What will she wear on her head?"
"Excuse me?"
"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel? Which is it?"
"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"
"Regula r? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,' 'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or a rebbetzin?"
"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's just a good gir-"
"Did she go to camp?"
"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed home."
"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with a girl who hasn't been to camp."
"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"
"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with any girl who hasn't been to-"
"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your son."
Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch crisis!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
THE PERFECT PLAN
THE PERFECT PLAN
A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D.. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
I love it when a plan comes together.... ..
(anon)
A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D.. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
I love it when a plan comes together.... ..
(anon)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"What can I get for just a rib???"
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
Monday, November 24, 2008
'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri
'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri
American Jews are in a great danger of their own.
Last week, the United Jewish Communities, an umbrella organization of America's 150 Jewish Federations, held their annual General Assembly conference at Jerusalem's Binyani HaUmah. As oleh comedian Benji Lovitt
GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received.
described it, it was the ultimate "Power Shmoozing" session of American Jewry. Hundreds of professional Jews from around America dressed like an army of diplomats, ranked by the figures of their financial donations to the Federation, mingled between speeches by top Israeli leaders Ehud Olmert, Binyamin Netanyahu, American oleh turned Israeli basketball legend Tal Brody, and others. Privileged donors of $100,000 were honored at a gala dinner, with an opening night attended by Mr. Olmert himself.
Despite all the hoopla, the Jerusalem Post reports that GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received in Hebrew-language media. Professional Jews of America seem to be frustrated with Israelis' lack of interest in the culture of the American Jewish community. They further claim that even when Israeli journalists visit the US they ignore the Jewish community and are only interested in US politics.
I attended the GA in Jerusalem, representing the Jewish communities in the Shomron, promoting our program of partnership between communities here and in the Galut. Though our "sister community" program we wish to reach out our distant brothers and sisters by building a real tie between Jews in the Shomron and Jews around the world. The truth is that I did find myself a stranger in a strange crowd. I would say that no more then 5% of the participants wore kipot and tzitzit (and some of those people were women). How "Jewish" was the tone of the day? UJC leader Edgar Bronfman said in his opening speech at the NexGen (Next Generation) meeting: "Let's not talk about intermarriage as an enemy, but as a reality."
This sheds light on the entire philosophy of the UJC. They believe in the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold make the rules." The UJC's leadership is made up of people like Mr. Bronfman, whose children have intermarried and whose grandchildren are no longer Jewish in terms of traditional Judaism. They have set out to form a new culture called the "United Jewish Communities," but, which should really be called "Bronfmanism". They are shocked that Israelis show so little interest in their works, but don't stop to think that the reason lies in the fact that they have cut themselves off from the connecting link - authentic Jewish culture.
The center of true Jewish culture is expressed by the implementation of the prophecies of the Bible, the ingathering of the Jewish people and the establishment of the State of Israel in our historical homeland. The abundance of Jewish wealth in America is not a culture within itself that can replace our heritage and values. That wealth should be used to complement those achievements in Israel and not to compete with them.
Apparently, their newly founded "Jewish" ethics and concepts of Tikun Olam are strange even to mainstream secular Israelis, who are naturally so much more "Jewish" then their American counterparts. Tikun Olam through feeding the hungry in Africa and Asia with Jewish money, so as to "fix the world's misconception" that Jewish money is not to their advantage, can not replace the true Jewish concept of Tikun Olam b'malcut Shadai - making the world complete by acknowledging the Kingdom of HaShem through fulfilling the mitzvot of the Torah.
Torah, not money, is what brings us together and causes us to be a people.
Expensive gala dinners honoring wealthy donors can not replace a traditional Shabbat dinner honoring HaShem who created the world in seven days.
UJC leaders find it hard to understand that the framework of our historical heritage - Torah, not money - is what brings us together and causes us to be a people. American Jews are in a great danger of their own doing. Their only hope is acknowledging that the key to Jewish leadership is not measured in dollars, but rather in commitment to authentic Jewish values.
American Jewish communities would be wise to invest their support in organizations like Nefesh B'Nefesh and Kollel MiTzion, organizations that preach Aliyah and teach Torah. That is what's needed to secure the future of their children by connecting them with our Torah and people and bringing them home to our land. The only hope for the future of the Jews of America is in return - return to our Torah and return to our land. The words of a great Jewish leader in Europe decades ago echo with great relevance today for the American Jewish communities: "Liquidate the diaspora before the diaspora liquidates you."
American Jews are in a great danger of their own.
Last week, the United Jewish Communities, an umbrella organization of America's 150 Jewish Federations, held their annual General Assembly conference at Jerusalem's Binyani HaUmah. As oleh comedian Benji Lovitt
GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received.
described it, it was the ultimate "Power Shmoozing" session of American Jewry. Hundreds of professional Jews from around America dressed like an army of diplomats, ranked by the figures of their financial donations to the Federation, mingled between speeches by top Israeli leaders Ehud Olmert, Binyamin Netanyahu, American oleh turned Israeli basketball legend Tal Brody, and others. Privileged donors of $100,000 were honored at a gala dinner, with an opening night attended by Mr. Olmert himself.
Despite all the hoopla, the Jerusalem Post reports that GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received in Hebrew-language media. Professional Jews of America seem to be frustrated with Israelis' lack of interest in the culture of the American Jewish community. They further claim that even when Israeli journalists visit the US they ignore the Jewish community and are only interested in US politics.
I attended the GA in Jerusalem, representing the Jewish communities in the Shomron, promoting our program of partnership between communities here and in the Galut. Though our "sister community" program we wish to reach out our distant brothers and sisters by building a real tie between Jews in the Shomron and Jews around the world. The truth is that I did find myself a stranger in a strange crowd. I would say that no more then 5% of the participants wore kipot and tzitzit (and some of those people were women). How "Jewish" was the tone of the day? UJC leader Edgar Bronfman said in his opening speech at the NexGen (Next Generation) meeting: "Let's not talk about intermarriage as an enemy, but as a reality."
This sheds light on the entire philosophy of the UJC. They believe in the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold make the rules." The UJC's leadership is made up of people like Mr. Bronfman, whose children have intermarried and whose grandchildren are no longer Jewish in terms of traditional Judaism. They have set out to form a new culture called the "United Jewish Communities," but, which should really be called "Bronfmanism". They are shocked that Israelis show so little interest in their works, but don't stop to think that the reason lies in the fact that they have cut themselves off from the connecting link - authentic Jewish culture.
The center of true Jewish culture is expressed by the implementation of the prophecies of the Bible, the ingathering of the Jewish people and the establishment of the State of Israel in our historical homeland. The abundance of Jewish wealth in America is not a culture within itself that can replace our heritage and values. That wealth should be used to complement those achievements in Israel and not to compete with them.
Apparently, their newly founded "Jewish" ethics and concepts of Tikun Olam are strange even to mainstream secular Israelis, who are naturally so much more "Jewish" then their American counterparts. Tikun Olam through feeding the hungry in Africa and Asia with Jewish money, so as to "fix the world's misconception" that Jewish money is not to their advantage, can not replace the true Jewish concept of Tikun Olam b'malcut Shadai - making the world complete by acknowledging the Kingdom of HaShem through fulfilling the mitzvot of the Torah.
Torah, not money, is what brings us together and causes us to be a people.
Expensive gala dinners honoring wealthy donors can not replace a traditional Shabbat dinner honoring HaShem who created the world in seven days.
UJC leaders find it hard to understand that the framework of our historical heritage - Torah, not money - is what brings us together and causes us to be a people. American Jews are in a great danger of their own doing. Their only hope is acknowledging that the key to Jewish leadership is not measured in dollars, but rather in commitment to authentic Jewish values.
American Jewish communities would be wise to invest their support in organizations like Nefesh B'Nefesh and Kollel MiTzion, organizations that preach Aliyah and teach Torah. That is what's needed to secure the future of their children by connecting them with our Torah and people and bringing them home to our land. The only hope for the future of the Jews of America is in return - return to our Torah and return to our land. The words of a great Jewish leader in Europe decades ago echo with great relevance today for the American Jewish communities: "Liquidate the diaspora before the diaspora liquidates you."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200
HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800
FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60
THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35
COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200
HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800
FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60
THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35
COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20
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