Will the world become Chasidic?

The Newest Kind of Infidelity

Hold the sex! With emotional infidelity, all it takes to cheat is a close friendship.

If you're married and you share secrets with a close friend of the opposite sex or go out for drinks after work, you are guilty of emotional infidelity. That's the controversial verdict from M. Gary Neuman, a Miami Beach, Fla., therapist and author of the new book, "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship."

His words are blunt: You can't have an intimate relationship at work and still have a great relationship at home. Even if there is no sex, he claims that any sort of male-female friendship outside of marriage is adultery. Period.

Those are frightening words. With the long and intense work hours so many regularly endure, close friendships at work with people of both genders are typically the norm. Neuman's advice is simple and direct: Back off. He told The Baltimore Sun, "My message is that if you want to infuse passion and have a buddy for the rest of your life, you have to keep that emotional content in your marriage. Otherwise, it's not going to happen."

His views may be extreme, but even his critics--and there are many--acknowledge that his central premise that friendships between members of the opposite sex can harm marriages is probably valid. Author and infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, told the Sun that office friendships are a big concern. "Many love affairs begin just that way."

How many of us cheat? About 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women admit to having had a sexual affair, according to the University of Chicago. Glass just shakes her head at those numbers. They're far too low in her opinion. It's more like 40 to 50 percent of men and 25 percent of women, according to her calculations.

But those numbers are for people who have committed sexual infidelity. What about emotional infidelity? How common is that? Glass says it's likely in the 55 to 65 percent range, and the numbers are growing. She told the Sun that in her opinion three things must first happen before it qualifies as infidelity:

Emotional intimacy that is greater than in the marriage

Sexual tension

Secrecy
"Friendship becomes a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage or takes place outside a marriage," Glass told Sun reporter Peter Jensen. Still, Neuman contends that any close friendship can be a problem for a marriage. "If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you're still shortchanging your spouse," he says, calling the workplace Ground Zero for emotional infidelity. As many as 73 percent of sexual affairs get started in the cubicles and copy rooms of America, not to mention during lunch, drinks after work, business trips, and team building retreats.
"We have hard and fast decisions to make," he told the Sun. "What's the most meaningful thing in your life? We can't fool ourselves into thinking we can have these intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home."

10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

1.Keep it all business in the office.

2.Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.

3.Meet in groups.

4.Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.

5.Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.

6.Don't share your personal feelings.

7.Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

8.Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.

9.Don't drink around the opposite sex.

10.Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

Source: "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship," by M. Gary Neuman

Talk about going full circle. From the '60s of free sex and open relationships to "Be unflinchingly honest with yourself"? Is this guy for real?