Tu B'Av: Simply tu much

The Jewish holiday of love is upon us. Yonathan Yavin gives 10 reasons why the most annoying holiday on the capitalist calendar should be boycotted

Yonathan Yavin Published: 07.29.07, 16:18 / Israel Singles


Are you planning to celebrate Tu B'Av (the 15th of the month of Av)? Here are 10 reasons why you should reconsider:


1. Because – and it's a cliché – it is all a cynical capitalist conspiracy. Businesses discovered that the force the makes the world go round is love, and that the stronger force of money combined with the most Jewish emotion of all (guilt) mix together beautifully on Tu B'Av.

2. Because it's provincial. Somehow we've turned into a group of Levantine copycats that adopt foreign traditions indiscriminately (proms, giant weddings) with the same sleaziness that commercial networks adopt show formats from abroad. True, there's nothing wrong with celebrating love, but why copy the commercialism of Valentine's Day?

3. Because we celebrated Valentine's in February anyway and there is only room for one saccharine day a year.

4. Because it's too close to Tisha B'Av (the ninth of Av, a day of mourning over the destruction of the Temple). Forget about grieving for architectural disasters from 2,000 years ago; maybe it's no coincidence that the Holiday of Love is schedule six days after the day of mourning for the hatred that brought the Temple down. Why don't we spend Tu B'Av reflecting about ending hate, jealousy and anger?

5. Because love should be celebrated throughout the year, not one day a year. It's like the attention everyone pays the environment on Earth Day while the rest of the year they're polluting and damaging it. If you need a day to remind you of love, my condolences: that's no love.

6. Because you can't celebrate love. Period. Like you don't celebrate oxygen. You live it, live by it, supported by it, and enjoying it, in the silent sense of security and comfort it provides regardless of ego.

7. Because no matter how much you try you will not have an original idea. A vacation somewhere "romantic"? A massage? Higher, stronger, faster (but especially more expensive)? Forget it, it's business. If you truly want to be original, Tu B'Av is not the time for it.
8. Because whatever you end up doing, it won't be good enough.

9. Because whatever you'll do, she'll tell you "you shouldn't have." So, what's the point?

10.Because you don't buy it. Every fiber in your body screams this fake holiday is not for you. Love has a Siamese twin: truth. At their best, truth and love are conjoined. This clone of a day has nothing to do with truth.

Grow your own dream man in 30 days ?

Grow your own dream man in 30 days , is a must read article.

Is it going to bring anyone to their senses?

How can one be brought to their senses if there are none?

When society and culture dictate otherwise?

Mixed signals ?

Life explained ?

On the first day, God created the dog and said:"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you --- go forth.

anonymous

Kalmen was in trouble

Kalmen was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect something nice in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 under 6 seconds. The next morning Kalmen got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale

Kalmen has been missing since Monday.

Subject: personal ads for the yidlock

Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.

Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.

Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting cold. POB 96.

Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.

Matzo supplier 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer to play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.

Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.

You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskite. POB 766.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.

Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your inner most thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your
insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

Sweet dreams ?

What if....................?

The story of life?

That's why guys do it?

Jealous?

Explain it to me?

Do you like her?

The last time

What relationship?

What did you bring me?

Just a friend?

This is the news in the dating scene.

No one really wants to get married and tied down. It's the era of "let's be friends". Which basically means I am shopping and will see if there is more fun out there.

OUCH !!!!!!!!

Married men live longer?

Who talks more?

Who talks more, men or women? See this latest info.

IMHO, a study should be made who communicates better.

: )

men are simple to understand

"You're lucky, mine's still alive." ???

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

To Be Happy In Marriage, Baby Carriage Not Required ??

To Be Happy In Marriage, Baby Carriage Not Required
By Donna St. George
Washington Post Staff WriterSunday, July 1, 2007; Page A01