Dear Tech Support:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

 ***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.  I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

.................... is the chief cause of divorce

Groucho Marx:
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

Marriage and Love

Marriage...Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Love...When we know to read our own hearts, we acquire wisdom of thehearts of others

Haredi women go under the knife

Kind of interesting as how "in your face" type of reporting has been upgraded to "chutzpah". The key words being "slowly" and "says Doctor".

"Slowly"-the article suggest/admits is 2% !!!!
"Says Doctor"- so, how much money was paid for this article/advertisement ????

Does the average person, read and understand what's going on here ?

The other big question, how true is it when the article suggests that " Even compliments from her husband, sitting with the elders, do not lift her spirits anymore. "   How many men compliment their wives in the first place ? Of course, because of the lack of compliments if one finally does give a compliment, they won't accept it.

To Summarize:
1. More complimenting from both spouses,  WITHOUT criticizing
2. don't wait for #1. - communicate effectively.

marriage seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, "It's essential that husbands and  wives are aware of the things that are important to each other."He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, "Kemach All-Purpose, isn't it?"The rest of the story is not pleasant...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:


1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone

a real flatbush date ?

A real flatbush guy goes on a date with a really frum girl (too frum for him)!!!

they're out on their date having a decent time!!

then suddenly mid conversation, the girl says oh wow i forgot to daven mincha, i must daven before it's too late!!!

guys response, should i lend you my hat & jacket!!!

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

Dating Games: Why do we want those we can’t have?

Dating Games: Why do we want those we can’t have? By TAMAR CASPI  10/08/2010 16:32

Maybe it’s the chase that attracts us, maybe we aspire to be with someone we consider above us – or maybe we’re just gluttons for punishment.

Sometimes it seems we are intrinsically wired to be attracted to those who aren’t really or readily available – emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. We want what we can’t have, a cliché that is unfortunately and routinely true. Maybe it’s the chase that attracts us; maybe we aspire to be with someone we consider above us; maybe we’re just gluttons for punishment.

Whatever the reason, it happens to everyone without fail at some point in their lives, whether it’s a romance, a job, a house or an outfit.

When Julie met Jason at a networking event, she thought he was cute and sweet – but her interest was piqued when she found out he had a long-distance, longterm girlfriend. It should have turned her off and sent her looking in another direction, but instead she hoped the distance would end their relationship.

And lo and behold, Jason broke up with said girlfriend and pursued Julie. She was incredibly flattered and believed he was what she wanted. She thought she had found her beshert.

Three months and dozens of excruciating circumstances later, Julie understood why Jason’s previous relationship had lasted so long: because the girl didn’t live near him! Jason wanted to be with Julie all the time, and couldn’t understand why she would ever want to be alone or hang out with her girlfriends, without him. Julie had thought she wanted Jason – but she had been more attracted to his previous unavailability than to Jason himself. Once he became accessible (not to mention clingy), he wasn’t so attractive anymore.

She felt guilty about breaking off with him since he had ended a long-term relationship to be with her, but decided she had given it all she could and was starting to resent him.

I was in a situation a few years ago where once I realized what I wanted, it was too late.

After meeting Greg on JDate, I would receive regular calls from him, accept dates with him weekly, or sometimes more often, and even got him to accompany me to a wedding.

He was present but not overly involved, and his slight aloofness kept me interested, although I admittedly let him do all the work.

I liked him enough, but wasn’t ready to commit. I was new on JDate and enjoying all the attention I was receiving.

But as soon as Greg’s phone calls waned and plans stopped being made, I of course became more interested, and started calling him. And that of course pushed him even further away. He knew I had taken advantage of him, and had moved on.

Suddenly I wanted Greg more than ever, and he was nowhere to be found. (In fact, he married the next girl he dated.) Had I realized what I had when it was mine to take, the outcome might have been much different.

HERE’S THE phenomenon explained in simple terms: If you give your phone number out to two people in one night and Cutie No. 1 calls the next day, chances are you’re going to be left wondering more about Cutie No. 2. He is suddenly more appealing and more attractive; you start building him up to mythical proportions.

If Cutie No. 2 does finally call, you’re going to have a major letdown. And if he never does call, he (or she) will always and forever be levitated to an impenetrable perfection.

This cycle is hard to break until you’re really ready to meet someone and stop going after those who aren’t available.

Labeling someone “unattainable” doesn’t have to be a dent in your self-confidence.

It doesn’t mean he or she is out of your league, or that you aren’t good-looking enough or smart enough, or whatever it is you may have insecurities about. Rather you’re simply saying that it’s not a realistic endeavor and should be chalked up as such sooner rather than later.

It’s not that we shouldn’t go after the unattainable; but sometimes a challenge is just that, and nothing more. A guy with a girlfriend is a guy with a girlfriend. His allure is simply that he is everything you think you’re looking for – except he’s not single. Thus he’s not everything you’re looking for anymore. Make sense? When “it” works, it will be because both parties are ready and willing to meet someone.

Once you realize you are purposely going after what you know you can’t have – and stop doing it – you’ll start to look at your possibilities differently. People you would never have previously looked at because they were “too available” will suddenly start to be attractive because they’re searching for the same thing as you are: a relationship. These are the people you need to go after.

Remember – you’re available and you want someone who is also available, so you can become unavailable together.

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

arguments and expectations

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.

Big Boys Don't Cry, They Drink

Men More Affected than Woman by Ups and Downs of Relationships
Guys Take it Harder, Turn to Drugs and Alcohol

By COURTNEY HUTCHISON
Jun. 11, 2010—

Contrary to popular belief, men are more affected by a rocky relationship than their female counterparts, according to new research from Wake Forest University.

Research shows that women have a harder time coping with a breakup, but the guys are the ones who feel more stress and strain when the relationship hits a rough patch, researchers found. On the upside, men also get more of a psychological and emotional boost when the relationship is healthy.

"Common wisdom says that women are more hurt by problems in a relationship," says Robin Simon, lead researcher on the study and a sociologist at Wake Forest, "but we found that the benefits of support [in a relationship] and the disadvantages of strain are exaggerated for the men."

"Men are more sensitive than we often think they are," she says.

For the study, Simon and co-author Anne Barrett, associate professor of sociology at Florida State University, drew on mental health and relationship data from over a thousand college-aged youths in south Florida.

They found that while men often put forth a brave front in the face of a faltering romance, they were hurting emotionally more than the women were -- they just didn't show it in the same way.

While women tend to get depressed when they are hurt or upset, men express their distress through substance use or abuse, Simon says. In the study, the more relationship problems a guy had, the more likely he was to score high on substance abuse measures, including those that gauge emotional issues associated with drug dependence, she says.

These results may point to a societal shift in the way that young men today experience relationships, gender and relationship experts say.

"These boys are more likely to have experienced a divorce in their family," Simon says, "and this might make them more sensitive to the ups and downs of a relationship. They are more aware of the frailties of relationships than past generations."

The study was published in the June edition of the Journal of Health and Social Behaviour.

Big Boys Don't Cry, They Drink

Though these findings run counter to popular wisdom about the way men handle their relationships, gender and relationship experts were not surprised by these results.

"Women are more naturally expressive," says Audrey Nelson, author of "Code Switching: How to Talk so Men Will Listen." "We'll cry, show our feelings when a women is having a hard time, she has two or three friends she can talk to, to ease the pain. Men have the same feelings and emotions, but they have no outlet."

"One of the ten commandments of "masculinity" is 'thou shalt not be vulnerable,'" she says, "so they self-medicate the feelings with drugs and alcohol and drown their vulnerability, rejection, sadness."

Nelson says the difference between the sexes has to do with both how women and men are wired neurologically and taught socially.

Research shows that the region of a woman's brain related to compassion and empathy is larger than a man's, she says, so "straight out of the womb she's more nurturing."

Then, society trains girls to express their feelings -- though not their anger, she notes -- while men are taught not to cry, not to show vulnerability. In fact, she says "the only sanctioned emotion for men to express publicly is anger. It's no surprise that men turn to alcohol to numb the [unwanted] emotions."

Today's Boys: Generation Vexed?

The young men in the study were more likely to have "mothers employed outside the home, fathers absent or dependent on the mother's income, or a child of divorce" than past generations, Simon says.

This may be at the heart of why young men today may be more sensitive to the trials of a relationship, she says.

Alternatively, Frances Cohen Praver, an author and psychologist in Locust Valley, New York, says the gender difference might be because women are less sensitive to these issues today.

"Women are more autonomous and independent. They need to love and be loved, but they can get love from their friends and family," she says.

This might also be why men in the study benefited more from the support of a healthy romantic relationship -- because they were getting support they otherwise wouldn't get.

But the issue cannot be explained by the social support element alone, Simon warns. "We can't tease out whether it's their emotional development at this time in their life, or if it's this generation, or what," she says.

So as for what causes these emotional gender differences, "That's the million dollar question," she says.

Copyright © 2010 ABC News Internet Ventures

Legal Shmegal...

Legal Shmegal...

A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you

Cultural Differences....explained:

Cultural Differences....explained: On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

* Two French men and one French woman.

* Two German men and one German woman.

* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

* Two British men and one British woman.

* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

* Two American men and one American woman.



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island..

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun..

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

A Fast Should be Declared’ ??

Maran R’ Chaim Kanievsky: ‘It’s Reached Epidemic Proportions – A Fast Should be Declared’
March 18, 2010 Registration for yeshivos gedolos is well underway and a number of roshei yeshiva have conferred with HaGaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita regarding acceptance of talmidim for the coming year.

Rav Chaim Shlita used the opportunity to discuss the trend with young chasanim requesting an apartment before wedding arrangements are even finalized, the weekly BaKehilla reports. The Rav explained that he receives telephone calls from mothers of young girls, explaining they want an apartment and as a result, there cannot be a shidduch since they simply cannot accommodate.

“When we were young, we received sheds to live in, and only rentals at that” exclaimed the rav.

“It has crossed acceptable boundaries. Today, every bachur who learns four or five years believes he has attained a level of worth higher than his father-in-law and therefore, he is entitled to an apartment. We must fight this trend. A fast day must be declared to stop this epidemic”.

The Rav called on roshei yeshiva to combat this trend and to use their influence with talmidim to begin turning this around. He added that at most, one may request half of the cost of an apartment from each side, but that is the limit.

(Yechiel Spira – YWN Israel)

What is wrong with this story ?

Let's be real about this.
Everyone is at fault here.
The Rosh Yeshivas- for pushing the boys
The Parents - for their egos and their stupidity
The Boys - for all of the above
The Girls- no comment here

Praying that this Decree comes to an end.

Latest Shidduch resume

Bracha Leah Stern
11 Kew Gardens
Lakewood , New Jersey
732-363-6214 732-363-6214
blcohen@yeshivanet.com
Summary and Personal
Date of Birth: 3-4-1989

Yichus:
Father is a yeshiva educated day trader who learns two daily sedarim in BMG; has been previously investigated by FBI for fraud but never did any jail time; big baal tzedaka who has been honored by BMG twice;
mother is a retired BY teacher;
youngest child with four brothers and 11 sisters all living off of the Lakewood General Fund and mechutanim from Brooklyn;
other pedigree relatively clean, except for a 4th cousin, once removed who attended YU and is now a successful Ophthalmologist in Teaneck
Parents looking for: solid learner from Brisk or Lakewood with neither a history of college nor foreseeable parnassa plans who will sit in Kollel indefinitely;
she is looking for the same;
father willing to support 10 years @$75k per year, pending no stays in Otisville

Appearance: dark hair with standard BY hairstyle; 5’4” with dress Size 2 (Mother’s size after her seventh child: Size 8

Shadchan: Mrs. Goldberg of Lakewood (25% commission)

Dating History: has gone out a few times with no measurable success; feedback from Mrs. Goldberg points to her having the charisma of a carrot
Photo: yearbook picture available if requested through Torah channels

Education
K-12: Bais Yaakov of Lakewood
Seminary: BJJ

Post-Seminary: Online program to obtain teaching certificate from Torah Umesorah
Work Experience
1996-1998: Counselor in several backyard camps in Brooklyn and Lakewood
2006-2008: Teacher’s aide in BY of Lakewood

Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist (Based on Interview with Shadchan)
Tehillim: completes Sefer once a week while standing in line at Jewish stores
Mother’s use of Sabbath Mode oven: not any more
Posek: Rav C. Kanievsky or Rav Elyashiv if his line is busy
Internet: only with Torahnet filter on Tati’s business computer
Use of a community Eruv: never (she’s looking for a Brisker, remember?!)
Indian Hair Sheitels: only if on sale
Seat Belt Use: No, unless pulled over by a female Police Officer
Hobbies: reading Artscroll biographies, Yated, Hamodia, and Mishpacha; challah baking; asking shailos to Gedolim about her shidduch difficulties

Her Preferred Dating Venue:
Airport lounges without visible TV monitors
Boys She Would Not Date: guys without BTEP (behind-the-ear-peyos), BT’s, OTD’s who have straightened out; guys whose Rabbeim believe that the Universe may be older than 5768 years old; guys who read Making of a Gadol or any of Slifkin’s books

Ideal Wedding:
Chossen and Kallah adopt demeanor combining themes of Tisha B’Av and Yom Kippur; eyes-closed Tehillim throughout ceremony; kibbudim called up in Yiddish; separate everything including parking areas; Simchas Chossen V’Kallah at 10:30 PM; no Onlysimchas posting

Shabbos Table: White table cloth, no plastic covers, no ground beef or plate scraping at the table
Would be willing to live in: Lakewood, Brooklyn, Monsey, Passaic (or Baltimore for a few years)
Music Preferences: Yeshiva Boys Choir; no more Lipa, Schwecky, or Carlebach
Ideal Chesed Opportunities: helping put out cold beer and cholent at neighborhood Shalom Zachars; assisting with mass mailings from Oorah and Kupat Hair

NYC Shopping...

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Why yeshivish shidduchim are happening ?

An Open Letter to Seminary Girls: Etiquette in Geulah

CommentsBy Yeshiva Guy

In a tradition dating back to the opening of the doors of the first seminary way back when in the fifties, the second week of Elul is host to an ingathering of exiles, so to speak. I refer to the yearly migration of those known colloquially as Sem Girls. Otherwise known as our holy seminary sisters. Yes, every year around this time they invade Geulah. They take Malchei Yisroel and transform it from the once sleepy Yerushlayimer shopping and food center it was into a yearlong virtual sleepover.
Somehow, the Ribono Shel Olam has seen fit to force us, Yeshiva Guys, and them to co-exist in the same space. And like many other things in life, this is something I don’t understand; yet I accept it. But I do have some things I want to get off of my chest…
Every year, us Yeshiva Guys moan and groan about these issues. We go on the same diatribes, vent recurrently to ourselves, and wish things were different. Well, this year I’m determined to change all that. So below find some of the many things that you do to tick us off- kindly take note, and refrain from doing so.
Don’t:
-Talk loudly on your pelephones about nothing. If you must do so, at least make sure to slowly and clearly, enunciating every syllable, list off your fathers’ bank accounts so I, too, can enjoy unlimited cakes from Moishy’s Bakery.
-Wear Crocs in public. This is NOT cool, and does not fit in with the Bas Melech image your teachers will be attempting to teach you over the next year.
-Daven mincha on the street because shkiah “just…happened” and you have no place to daven. Either watch your watch, like we do, or don’t daven. As much as it may pain you to learn this, females are not bound by time-related commandments.
-Loudly barter with the shopkeeper as if he were deaf in your Americanized Harry-ess Ivrit that you think you’re proficient in. You’re not. Either learn and speak the language with the local accent, or stick with the English you don’t know. Trust me, the locals understand your English better than your Ivrit.
-Feel the need to litter the entire Yerushalayim with the yellow/purple/clear plastic/paper cups that you just got from Fro-Yo or Sams or Mitzei Uri. It’s nice that you enjoy them, and it’s wonderful that you’re supporting local merchants and all, but really, what about recycling?
-Rave about Rabbi Orlofsky’s shiur last night that is definitely, positively, OMG OMG gonna change your life. We all know it won’t. And if really was such a life changer, you wouldn’t still be sipping that Mitz Pri as you stroll down Yechezkel. Only dogs eat/drink in the street. Not people. Or even sem girls.
-Feel like you have to go to the Machlis’, the Blind Couple, and every other chavayah during your stay here. You can still be Jewish without going to those people. I know, because I still am.
-Use the default ringer on your Disposa-phone that came with your seminary’s suggested student plan. Hashem gave you kids all that creativity and individuality to be able to create all those plays and singa-thons and dances and whatever. Express it. If I hear that la-di-dah-di-dah one more time I may just…
-Feel obligated to take over Sams Bagels between 1-4 every afternoon. How about just ordering your food and taking it back to your dorm, huh? I’ll arrange for the teenaged Israeli shibob with the knockoff UnderArmour spray shirt to give you an oversized bag so everyone will know you went…M’kay?
-Be scared to take Arab taxis. Your seminary Giveret is bluffing you. The story about the girls who took one once and…yeah. It never happened. Sorry, I know Israel is much more exciting that way, but…
-Buy leather-bound Tehillims/Siddurim for all of your cousins/aunts/uncles. That creativity thing? Again, demonstrate.
-And finally,under NO circumstances are you to enter Pitzuchei Moshiach. PM is a male-only establishment. Aside from the narrow aisle issue, PM is just…well…sacred. Don’t defile it. Go to any one of the other fine nut houses.
So welcome to our town. Geulah is our turf. You can have Har Nof, Sortozkin, MInchas Yitzchak, Ramat Eshkol, and the other shchunos. But Geulah is our turf. We own it.
So adios, and seeya back in America.
Yeshiva Guy

Shortest story

Marriage a Habit ?

Eat, Pray, Love. Then What? Get Married.
Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, “Committed,” is scheduled for release in January
By MOTOKO RICH
Published: August 19, 2009

......
“I spent about 10 months trying to learn as much as I could possibly learn about this very frustrating, contradictory and ultimately interesting human habit,” Ms. Gilbert said."

Definition of a Wife:

(B)eautiful (I)ntelligent (T)alented (C)harming (H)omemaker

These are actual Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers

I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs - religion not important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar b'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the 'fast' lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to, share your innermost thought and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for 8 days. Who knows?

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made, looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Kiss

Words of Wisdom...

It's ok to kiss a fool.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.
But don't let a kiss fool you.

Another Obama Program .... for the shidduch crises

Another Obama Program

After successfully solving the banking, mortgage, automobile, and housing crisis’s, President Barack Obama has now turned his attention to solving the ultimate problem - The Shidduch Crisis.

After much consultation with his close advisors, the president has unveiled his Kallah’s for Clunkers program. With broad bipartisan support, and modeled after the successful Cars for Clunkers program, the deal offers any married man $4500 to leave his current wife and engage a girl of at least 22 years of age. With this one bold act, thousands of young girls currently in crises mode will be taken off the market, making the even younger girls available for the just freezer-released Yeshiva bochurim.

In addition, the anticipated surge of uffrufs, weddings, and sheva brochos that this initiative will cause, will hopefully jumpstart and stimulate the stagnant heimishe economy, with spending on simchah baskets, party planners, and other wasteful expenditures. President Obama has successfully resolved a crisis that many experts have spent so many years trying to solve proving true once again his slogan – Obama: Exchange We Can Believe In!

Is There Hope for the American Marriage?

.........................

The fundamental question we must ask ourselves at the beginning of the century is this: What is the purpose of marriage? Is it — given the game-changing realities of birth control, female equality and the fact that motherhood outside of marriage is no longer stigmatized — simply an institution that has the capacity to increase the pleasure of the adults who enter into it? If so, we might as well hold the wake now: there probably aren't many people whose idea of 24-hour-a-day good times consists of being yoked to the same romantic partner, through bouts of stomach flu and depression, financial setbacks and emotional upsets, until after many a long decade, one or the other eventually dies in harness.

Or is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old.

Just look at the hottest new trend in marriage: the 50-year itch

Just look at the hottest new trend in marriage: the 50-year itch.


Linda Lea Viken is a 32-year veteran divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D. She said she’s seeing a dramatic uptick in the number of divorces among senior citizens. “I’m doing divorces of 50-year marriages,” she said. “You want to say to yourself, ‘You’ve made it this far — are you kidding me?’”

She says the trend is driven by everything from longer life expectancies to the impact of Viagra on the sex lives of seniors. But she also thinks it’s a result of older people mimicking attitudes they’re picking up from younger Americans. “We’re becoming a little bit of a ‘me first’ society,” she said. “It’s becoming difficult to really understand what people want because it’s what they want right now. But tomorrow, they might want something else.”



Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/25767.html#ixzz0NM9DzAH9

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

FINDING YOUR BASHERTE

Do you love the idea of The Bachelor, but are too frum to watch it? Then you’ll l ove the new show, “The Bachur.” The concept is the same: 25 girls vying for the heart of one guy. The twist? They’re all frum!

Our Bachur this season is Avraham Yitzchak Greenbergsteinkowitz from the holy city of Coffeeneck. He has studied in some of the best yeshivas, is over 5'6” and is a lawyer, doctor AND an accountant. You might ask why such an exceptional Bachur would choose such an unusual method for meeting his bashert. “Well,” says the Bachur, “I have been dating for over 6 months now and still have not been able to find my bashert. After consulting with all 17 of my rabbeim, I felt that this intense approach would be the best way for me to do so.”

The creator of the show is none other than Perry Charshady, who is the mastermind behind other reality TV hits such as “I’m a Rebbe…Get Me Out of Here” and “So You Think You Can Shteig.”

The premise of the show is the same as that of The Bachelor,” Charshady explains, “except with some minor differences to make it more appealing to a frum, heimishe, audience.” For example, the bachurettes will face-off with challenges such as the Challah Bake-Off. The bachurette with the worst tasting challah will be sent home. And who will be the judge of something so crucial to building a bayis neeman b’yisrael? “My Imma!” exclaims the Bachur. “She makes the best challah ever, so who better to judge?” Additionally, while on The Bachelor the bachelorettes go home to meet the guy’s family, our bachurettes will have to have a meeting with the Bachur’s favorite Rebbe.

And who are these bachurettes? Well, they are all no larger than a size 4 and went to Strict College for Women where they studied to be a therapist of any type. They also all come from wealthy homes in the Metropolitan area. “I just don’t feel comfortable with out-of-towners” The Bachur explains, “No one really knows what goes on in those places. At least where I’m from, everyone knows each others business so I can really get to know what a girl is like by asking, you know, her neighbors and kindergarten teacher s about her.”

From the very first episode, it is clear that these girls are top-notch. After being the first bachurette to be sent home, Chana Shprintza Cohenbaumosky cries “How could he reject me? I mean, I went to NNI – the best seminary in all of Israel!” Later in the show, the second rejected bachurette sobs “Doesn’t he even know who my father is?!” But, not all the bachurettes are so sincerely committed to their seeming “Chesed Each Day” lifestyle. In one episode late in the season, The Bachur gets his first big shock: “I don’t always wear tights,” confesses one bachurette.

Who is this shiksa posing as an accomplished bachurette? Is she the same one concealing the fact that she has Facebook? Or is more than one bachurette hiding a dark side? “It just bothers me when someone isn’t honest with me,” The Bachur says disappointedly. “I mean, if you talk to other boys or don’t have a white tablecloth on your shabbas table then clearly you’re not frum enough for me, and if you’re not frum enough to be here, then what are you even doing here?”

So what’s the next project for Charshady? A season of The Bachurette, perhaps? “No,” says Charshady. “The Bachurette would be almost impossible to create.” Why? He explains: “This is a reality show and if we were to portray 25 buchrim trying to win over one girl, it would not be an accurate representation of reality.” He then adds “And, on a technical note, the process of find ing 25 eligible buchrim would be an almost impossible feat.”

Well, this season promises to be one filled with scandals: bare legs, Facebook and even (gasp!) Law School? “It’s always been a secret dream of mine,” reveals a teary-eyed bachurette. But, it also will be packed with fun: hotel lobbies and exotic trips to Chevron! And fear not, there will also be plenty of Tehillim said through bouts of sobbing. So tune in every motzei shabbas!

Dinner would be ready if ......

Israel - Rabbi: Haredi Bachelors Over the Age of 20 Must Leave Jerusalem

Jerusalem - Ultra-orthodox bachelors over the age of 20 must move out of Jerusalem, Rabbi Yaakov Yosef, head of the Hazon Yaakov yeshiva and son of Shas' spiritual leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef ruled this week.

According to the rabbi, in the past it was customary to banish "older" single men from the capital as punishment for their refusal to marry and provide for a family.

In recent generations, Sephardi rabbis decided to annul this regulation, but according to Rabbi Yosef it should be reinstated. "Only a yeshiva student who studies Torah has an exceptional permission to postpone marriage, if he fears that marriage might distract him from his studies.

"But normally one must not delay marriage till after 20, and those who do had better leave Jerusalem and go study somewhere else," he wrote.

Last week the rabbi discussed in his column the question of what was the right age for marriage, and concluded that men must wed no later than age 19.

"Any man who reaches the age of 20 must hurry without tarrying, or he might find himself looking for many more years," he stated.

As I Mature

Life explained

On the first day, G-d created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So G-d agreed.

On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And G-d agreed.

On the third day, G-d created the cow and said:

'You must go in to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family
. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day, G-d created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Yes,' said G-d, 'You may have your wish.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Recipes are like a dating service

But he is so laid back

Torah Dating

B'reishis - In the beginning,

Noach lech - Noach went

Vayayroh Chayay Soroh - and he saw Chaya Soroh.

Toldos - He checked out the yichus

Vayaitzay - and they went out.

Vayishlach - They didn't like each other, so they sent each other away..

Vayaishev - The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.

Mikaitz - In the end,

Vayigash - they got close

Octuplets' mom: 'All I ever wanted'

14 kids and a single mom ?

what's with the single mom idea anyway?

are men that not good? or are women not getting it either

G-d should help us all

: )

I've called off the wedding .

Many people will walk in and out of your life

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
.

Man's best excuse not to marry

Diminish the negative and accentuate the positive. ?

Diminish the negative and accentuate the positive. by M. Gary Neuman

A key to a successful relationship, sometimes ?

A key to a successful relationship, sometimes ?

Other than that he's perfect ?

What's keeping him ?

Jewpid by Eileen Rosenbloom

It's time for the Jewish people to bring some love into the world... by converting cupid.

"If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"

4 Tevet

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Joshua Isaac Shapira, a leader of 19th century European Jewry known by the nickname Reb Eisele Charif. The story is told that when his daughter was ready to get married, Reb Eisel sought out the top yeshiva student. He entered the study hall and announced: "I have a very difficult question on a passage in the Talmud. Whoever can supply the correct answer will have my daughter's hand in marriage." Soon a long line formed, and one by one the students tried to provide the answer. And one by one, Reb Eisel explained how the answers were incorrect. This went on for days, but when no one came up with the correct answer, Reb Eisel packed up and left. He had just reached the edge of the city, when he heard a voice shouting after him: "Reb Eisel, Reb Eisel!" He turned around to see a young man running in his direction. The student explained: "I know I wasn't able to satisfy the condition for marriage, but just for my own sake, could you please tell me the correct answer?" "Aha!" shouted Reb Eisel. "If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"

'I want to be gorgeous too'

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The seco nd one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

'Make 'em all ugly again.'

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

MarriagE & ME

Many of us are too focused on the "me" in the equation.


Puzzled, the matchmaker requested more information. "She's actually very smart," the boy innocently revealed. "She agreed with all my opinions."

Playing with matches ???!!!!!

This is maybe one of the best ways, i as a shadchun feel today. i am sure all the caring shadchunim feel the same.

Hey, we are human as you all are.

Do singles really need to have anything in common ?

Actually, maybe the question should be; "Do singles really Have anything in common" ?

As much as the debate will go on about, that men and women are equal, the truth is that they are not, and will never be.
What each side should be asking is, " What can I contribute to the relationship to make it work? ".

Wishing all, a happy getting closer, Chanukkah !!!

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
76 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
76 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
76 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
76 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
76 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
76 76

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
76 He can chew breakfast

.

A wedding is an event — a marriage is a lifelong commitment ?

These two articles were sent to me discussing today's culture of weddings and marriage.
1. Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?
2. Do Rom-Coms Spoil Our Love Lives?

IMHO , after listening and reading what is happening even in -orthodox and/or religious circles, these opinions are very true..

While there are exceptions with some realistic people out there, how many though are conditioned to be realistic?

How singles feel

World stands on 3 things:

TORAH boy has to learn.
AVODA - girl has to work.
GIMILUS CHASADIM - the parents have to support them.

The Shidduch Crisis by Chaya Sara Schlussel

Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.

No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!

I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the yeshiva!

Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv out there for us future mother in laws.

I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."

"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"

"Huh?"

"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."

"Oh, well I don't know "

"And how tall is she?"

"Oh, she's average hei-"

"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5. She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be acceptable."

"Ok. I just-"

"What does she look like?"

"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."

"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"

"This girl is pretty."

"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"

"Yes, she's very-"

"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"

"No, I'm not sure I-"

"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's partial to BMW's."

"Oh. I didn't-"

"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child, nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."

"Actually, she's-"

"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."

"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"

"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha of Shabbos as much as they should."

"Well then, what should they eat on?"

"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl quiet, or is she loud?"

"She's not too quiet"

"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."

"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"

"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"

"Of course not, she's-"

"What will she wear on her head?"

"Excuse me?"

"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel? Which is it?"

"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"

"Regula r? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,' 'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or a rebbetzin?"

"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's just a good gir-"

"Did she go to camp?"

"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed home."

"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with a girl who hasn't been to camp."

"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"

"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with any girl who hasn't been to-"

"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your son."

Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch crisis!

THE PERFECT PLAN

THE PERFECT PLAN

A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D.. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

I love it when a plan comes together.... ..

(anon)

"What can I get for just a rib???"

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"

'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri

'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri
American Jews are in a great danger of their own.


Last week, the United Jewish Communities, an umbrella organization of America's 150 Jewish Federations, held their annual General Assembly conference at Jerusalem's Binyani HaUmah. As oleh comedian Benji Lovitt
GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received.
described it, it was the ultimate "Power Shmoozing" session of American Jewry. Hundreds of professional Jews from around America dressed like an army of diplomats, ranked by the figures of their financial donations to the Federation, mingled between speeches by top Israeli leaders Ehud Olmert, Binyamin Netanyahu, American oleh turned Israeli basketball legend Tal Brody, and others. Privileged donors of $100,000 were honored at a gala dinner, with an opening night attended by Mr. Olmert himself.

Despite all the hoopla, the Jerusalem Post reports that GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received in Hebrew-language media. Professional Jews of America seem to be frustrated with Israelis' lack of interest in the culture of the American Jewish community. They further claim that even when Israeli journalists visit the US they ignore the Jewish community and are only interested in US politics.

I attended the GA in Jerusalem, representing the Jewish communities in the Shomron, promoting our program of partnership between communities here and in the Galut. Though our "sister community" program we wish to reach out our distant brothers and sisters by building a real tie between Jews in the Shomron and Jews around the world. The truth is that I did find myself a stranger in a strange crowd. I would say that no more then 5% of the participants wore kipot and tzitzit (and some of those people were women). How "Jewish" was the tone of the day? UJC leader Edgar Bronfman said in his opening speech at the NexGen (Next Generation) meeting: "Let's not talk about intermarriage as an enemy, but as a reality."

This sheds light on the entire philosophy of the UJC. They believe in the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold make the rules." The UJC's leadership is made up of people like Mr. Bronfman, whose children have intermarried and whose grandchildren are no longer Jewish in terms of traditional Judaism. They have set out to form a new culture called the "United Jewish Communities," but, which should really be called "Bronfmanism". They are shocked that Israelis show so little interest in their works, but don't stop to think that the reason lies in the fact that they have cut themselves off from the connecting link - authentic Jewish culture.

The center of true Jewish culture is expressed by the implementation of the prophecies of the Bible, the ingathering of the Jewish people and the establishment of the State of Israel in our historical homeland. The abundance of Jewish wealth in America is not a culture within itself that can replace our heritage and values. That wealth should be used to complement those achievements in Israel and not to compete with them.

Apparently, their newly founded "Jewish" ethics and concepts of Tikun Olam are strange even to mainstream secular Israelis, who are naturally so much more "Jewish" then their American counterparts. Tikun Olam through feeding the hungry in Africa and Asia with Jewish money, so as to "fix the world's misconception" that Jewish money is not to their advantage, can not replace the true Jewish concept of Tikun Olam b'malcut Shadai - making the world complete by acknowledging the Kingdom of HaShem through fulfilling the mitzvot of the Torah.
Torah, not money, is what brings us together and causes us to be a people.
Expensive gala dinners honoring wealthy donors can not replace a traditional Shabbat dinner honoring HaShem who created the world in seven days.

UJC leaders find it hard to understand that the framework of our historical heritage - Torah, not money - is what brings us together and causes us to be a people. American Jews are in a great danger of their own doing. Their only hope is acknowledging that the key to Jewish leadership is not measured in dollars, but rather in commitment to authentic Jewish values.

American Jewish communities would be wise to invest their support in organizations like Nefesh B'Nefesh and Kollel MiTzion, organizations that preach Aliyah and teach Torah. That is what's needed to secure the future of their children by connecting them with our Torah and people and bringing them home to our land. The only hope for the future of the Jews of America is in return - return to our Torah and return to our land. The words of a great Jewish leader in Europe decades ago echo with great relevance today for the American Jewish communities: "Liquidate the diaspora before the diaspora liquidates you."

Generation Y talks about love in this 5 minute video by AishCafe.com

Generation Y talks about love in this 5 minute video by AishCafe.com

The greatness of man

The greatness of man

IMHO: 1 (if not the) reason for the shidduch crisis

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Conventional wisdom has proven that it is not so much about marrying the right person as being the right person

Practical advice on what it takes to build a Jewish home.

$5000. vs $200. ?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,

Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Am or am not?

The answer to why .....

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me G-D, can I ask you a few questions?"

G-D replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

The house always wins

When one spouse is more committed Jewishly than the other.

Unspoken communication

Jerusalem - Israeli Rabbi: Smokers, Reckless Drivers ‘halacha’ Disqualifies Them As A Witnesses For Rabbinical Courts, Weddings

Jerusalem - Israeli Rabbi: Smokers, Reckless Drivers ‘halacha’ Disqualifies Them As A Witnesses For Rabbinical Courts, Weddings

Israel - Organization to Start Training Rabbis on Marriage Counseling

Israel - Organization to Start Training Rabbis on Marriage Counseling

The Average American

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

Men vs Women

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Costco.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Household appliances

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Attitude is Everything

The process of human change begins within us. We all have tremendous potential. We all desire good results from our efforts. Most of us are willing to work hard and to pay the price that success and happiness demand.

Each of us has the ability to put our unique human potential into action and to acquire a desired result. But the one thing that determines the level of our potential, that produces the intensity of our activity, and that predicts the quality of the result we receive is our attitude.

Attitude determines how much of the future we are allowed to see. It decides the size of our dreams and influences our determination when we are faced with new challenges. No other person on earth has dominion over our attitude. People can affect our attitude by teaching us poor thinking habits or unintentionally misinforming us or providing us with negative sources of influence, but no one can control our attitude unless we voluntarily surrender that control.
No one else "makes us angry." We make ourselves angry when we surrender control of our attitude. What someone else may have done is irrelevant. We choose, not they. They merely put our attitude to a test. If we select a volatile attitude by becoming hostile, angry, jealous or suspicious, then we have failed the test. If we condemn ourselves by believing that we are unworthy, then again, we have failed the test.

If we care at all about ourselves, then we must accept full responsibility for our own feelings. We must learn to guard against those feelings that have the capacity to lead our attitude down the wrong path and to strengthen those feelings that can lead us confidently into a better future.

If we want to receive the rewards the future holds in trust for us, then we must exercise the most important choice given to us as members of the human race by maintaining total dominion over our attitude. Our attitude is an asset, a treasure of great value, which must be protected accordingly. Beware of the vandals and thieves among us who would injure our positive attitude or seek to steal it away.

Having the right attitude is one of the basics that success requires. The combination of a sound personal philosophy and a positive attitude about ourselves and the world around us gives us an inner strength and a firm resolve that influences all the other areas of our existence.

Jim Rohn

$50.00 is $50.00

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know fifty dollars is fifty dollars

Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5, BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule, ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,


A Distressed User

----------------------

Dear Distressed User:


This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating system.

This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Thanks for using our Tech Support.

the secret of marriage?

How to count

With age comes wisdom ?

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.