HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Women like that are hard to find?

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on
Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a
sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over.
Women like that are hard to find."

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison

On the first day

On the first day, G-D created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So G-D agreed.

On the second day, G-D created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And G-D agreed.

On the third day, G-D created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And G-D agreed again.

On the fourth day, G-D created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said G-D, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

In the beginning

In the beginning, G-D created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using G-D's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And G-D created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So G-D said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

G-D then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

G-D then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

G-D then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then G-D brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

G-D then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

G-D sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Waiting to be swept away?

Dating over 40?

Nothing is impossible.

All I could say for those that think they have time and they will get their priorities straight later, please think again.

If you don't know whether you should "settle", get a true other (professional or otherwise) opinion and advice and search what your true long term priorities are.

!st date conversation?

Coffee anyone?

The three finalists for the Man of the Year Award

What is Romance?

It seems that in fantasy land, everyone seems to know what to do and both know what the other wants. It seems as if everyone "gets" what they want.
Does it also seem that everyone is giving? If yes, who notices it?

How many people truly understand that "romance" is giving AND taking?

Bashing?

Has the human race always loved bashing, is this a new culture, or is it that we are getting better at it?

Never give up

Ask questions

I am right there with you

Is the dating scene like "The Donkey"?

Got this from a reader, with the comment that the dating scene is more like this story of "THE DONKEY". As a shadchun, i have gotten many answers like, "my friends don't like him/her".

Kinda sad.


The DONKEY...

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you
much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Bring the scale

A yenta ?

Four Jewish ladies were sitting around playing Mah Jongg. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for such a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from any of you and never will. We have been friends for too long."

One of the other ladies says, "Well, since we are having true confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry. I have not hit on any of your husbands, and never will, they don't interest me. We have been friends for too long."

"Well", says the third lady, "I too must confess. The reason I never married is that I am a lesbian, but don't worry. I will never hit on any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don't want to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make also. I am
a yenta, so please excuse me; I have a lot of calls to make."

With ot without glasses?

Yitzi's "new idea"

Hi,

I have an idea and I'm emailing you because I need at least 1000 frum Jews like you in from the start to make it work. You are receiving this because either I got your email address from a chain mail or a friend is forwarding this to you.

My idea is a way to make 1000 shiduchim in less then one year!!

Don’t think this is a non-starter because my idea makes every bit of sense if you can care to read on and further care to be one of the first to make it happen!

First of all a shiduch doesn’t mean a definite match. A shiduch can simply also mean a date which is also an accomplishment for many. So with that in mind, I think if we make this work we can make well over 10,000 shiduchim! But in truth, I think that with BSD and enough achdus… what we can achieve is to actually make 1000 definite matches and more!

My idea.

My idea is your idea, let’s all 1000 of us get together and suggest ideas to each other about pairing up single friends of ours! Have you heard of myspace.com? Well I’ll make a website modeled on their platform with a neat design and user interface and when the start date comes we will all register an account… well actually, let me take you through it clearly.

1 You register an account. You are now officially a ‘Shadchan’.

You have to show everyone your name and keep it real. You tell everyone just a little about yourself… i.e. your age, gender, marital status and thoughts about the movement.

2 You post the real or nick-names of 5 friends of yours, and you try to profile them to the best of your ability, perhaps even with a private picture. We can talk more on that.

Most of you will have more then 5 friends. These friends are now officially ‘Clients’ and there is no limit to how many friends you have so long you pay attention to them all.

3 You browse other ''shadchanim’s'' ''clients'' and flag one that you think will be suitable for one of your clients. When that shadchan logs in next, he will see your flag and follow the link to your client’s profile. Likewise when you log in and see one of your clients flagged, you will look into the idea and take it from there.

What we need to start is a minimum of 1000 frum Jews, men, women, guys and girls, married and single, from more then 30 different cities around the world. Frum in Yiddish generally means religious but frum in German still means sincere and if we are all sincere we can make it work. If each member would post a minimum of 5 friends then it would perhaps make our little project the biggest shiduch list in the world and the most attended to list too! What’s more shadchanim and clients would double in numbers in a matter of days!

Why do we need 1000? Because the best way to get enough people’s attention is to start with a BANG. And that is what the shiduch and tobacco industry needs, a very big BANG! Imagine all smokers started growing their own tobacco! Also, starting small would minimize your interest in participating from the very start and the communal effort may come to a halt.

My idea is that we can and we should all be shadchanim, no matter what our situation is! Being a Shadchan is not a profession, it’s simply about being the person to be in the right place at the right time, hearing the right thing and acting on it.

With our new website platform, all that will be made possible for anyone and everyone. All you would need to do is log in every day for a few minutes or every few days and see how you can help you friends, knowing there are other shadchanim out there trying to help their friends. If you’re married, you owe to your single friends and family knowing the feeling and if you’re single yourself, helping your single friends is the best way of drawing attention from HaShem!

So you might be wondering …nu, what’s the idea... there are already lots of dating sites that the frum singles themselves can post their own profiles on and interact with other members and decide for themselves? ...So, know… these sites are great, and some have even made a few hundred shidduchim… but in the meantime shadchanim between themselves are much more successful because the concept of a shadchan is a very ancient one… right from the Torah…

The Gemara says Moshe Rabeinu atop Har Sinai was Hashem’s Shadchan to Kllal Yisroel and that Aaron Hakohen half way up/down the mountain was Kllal Yisroel’s Shadchan to HaShem. The Torah was the Kesubah so that is a source for the minhag of a shadchan, in fact two shadchanim, just the way it will be with our website.

As of the October 19th, we already have 124 members from 8 cities! They are from New York, Lakewood, LA, Chicago, London, Jerusalem, Bet Shemesh and Modein Ilit. We aim for 500 in one week. Please make this happen and take this to your part of the world!!

So if you are in, please send an email to yitzifeiner@yahoo.com saying “I’m in” and I’ll keep you up to date. In the meantime you can email with any ideas.

Please also forward this message to as many friends as possible, that’s what spreads the word!

Thank you!

Yitzi
NY

The DOVE self esteem fund

got this in an email

Watch this transformation.

"No wonder our perception of beauty is so distorted."

Let the women go shopping

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I will give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting. "The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

A Jewish mother and her daughter

The phone rings. JEWISH MOTHER picks up the phone and answers
Jewish Mother
Hello?

Daughter
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Jewish Mother
You're going out?

Daughter
Yes.

Jewish Mother
With whom?

Daughter
With a friend.

Jewish Mother
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

Daughter
I didn't leave him. He left me!

Jewish Mother
You let him leave you. And now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

Daughter
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Jewish Mother
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

Daughter
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Jewish Mother
What are you hinting at?

Daughter
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

Jewish Mother
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if
he finds out?

Daughter
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left
me, he probably never slept alone!

Jewish Mother
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

Daughter
He's not a loser.

Jewish Mother
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser.

Daughter
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Jewish Mother
Poor children with such a mother.

Daughter
Such a what?

Jewish Mother
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

Daughter
ENOUGH!!!

Jewish Mother
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Daughter
Now you're worried about the loser?

Jewish Mother
Ah, so you see he is a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Daughter
Goodbye, mother.

Jewish Mother
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

Jewish Mother
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

*DANGEROUS:
**SAFER:
***SAFEST:
****ULTRA SAFE:

*What's for dinner?
**Can I help you with dinner?
***Where would you like to go for dinner?
****Here, have some wine.

*Are you wearing that?
**Wow, you sure look good in brown!
***WOW! Look at you!
****Here, have some wine

*What are you so worked up about?
**Could we be overreacting?
***Here's my paycheck.
****Here, have some wine.

*Should you be eating that?
**You know, there are a lot of apples left.
***Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
****Here, have some wine.

*What did you DO all day?
**I hope you didn't over-do it today.
***I've always loved you in that robe!
****Here, have some more wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!

...Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

(got this email)

A Cowboy?

Frank Feldman

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f#@$%&g widow!!!"

The perfect man and woman

The perfect man and woman

Beer or Make up?

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button -Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) - "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."''

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year

In love with love

IMHO especially in the ME generation, I think that not only are they in love with love and not with the other person or themselves, but they also do not know what love is.

Therefore many are asking themselves "Am i in love?". Why would somebody ask a question like that if they knew what love is?

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was just sitting around chatting. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Just waiting to be seen?

Are dates not happening because we truly are afraid to date, and therefore we are "not seeing" what is available around us?

If Men got pregnant:

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as mainentree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

Understanding women?

To let it go in one ear and out the other

I WAS interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client. "It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he recalled. "One earring read, 'with all' and the other, 'my love.' "When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone said that to me, to let it go in one ear and out the other.'"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work"

Always Proof Read

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , We missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

Too many temptations?

IMHO, women do have power over men. What is critical is how and for what they use it. They do not have to legally rule the world. They do not have to be malicious or vicious to "rule" the world. G-D gave them plenty of power to influence.

So why are women not "ruling" the world? Why are they part of the "temptations" of the world?

I have found that many women are just clueless and have very low esteem. If you are a true religious woman who values Torah the blueprint of life, get someone truly knowledgeable about what the Torah says about women and you will never have to look back.

If you do not value the advice of Torah, find someone who does value Torah and have them share the wisdom of Torah to help you become a true person and a true influence.

Hopeless?

If you know someone in a situation like this, prompt them, strengthen them, encourage them, help them in any way to move forward.

The dating process needs all the help and little steps it can get.

Make a difference!!

Tie them ?

In the 1st year of college?

Breaking up with an australopithecine ......

Male/Female Definitions!

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger." male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Married to oneself?

Why is the me more prevalent than ever before?

Married to pets?

AT A SUPERMARKET, I overheard two women talking in the next aisle. "Horace and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is more expensive."
"Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied.
I turned into their aisle. Both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States"

I want to date someone else

What is dating? Hasidic/Ultra-orthodox version

Wow. The simple ultimate question!

Even some of the Ultra-Orthodox Jews are having this problem. Once upon a time and still in Hasidic circles, it began where each set of parents would meet the parents and prospective boy/girl in their home territory. So the girl's parents would come over to the boy's home and meet the parents and boy and shmooze for a while. Afterwards the parents would leave the boy alone with the girl's parents so that they can get a direct question and answer session with the boy. The same scenario would play out with the boy's parents and the girl.

If "all was well", then the real date began. The real date was where the boy's parents and the boy came over to the girl's house and everyone sat down at the table to shoomze. When the timing was correct, all parents would leave the room, leaving the boy and girl for a direct conversation time alone.

Nowadays where "looks" are more important than ever before, and the girl gets first say, the "dating" scenario is quite different. Since pictures never tell the true story, and to do it the way it was done would be considered a date, there is now a pre-date date. So for example if the girl is from Boro Park, the boy is told to be in Eihlers store on 50th and 13th Ave at a set time to technically meet the boy. What of course also happens, is that the mother and the girl are there too, so that the girl can size up the boy.

Therefore if the girl does not approve of the boy, there was never a date!

Is this pre-date dating correct? The purpose of the "old-and still current method" was to not cause any embarrassment to anyone. By going public this way, and to not call it a date, is embarrassment now allowed or not to be considered?

Isn't the purpose of dating to just to get to know the other? Isn't dating so that one should truly be able to make a educated lifetime choice?

Why has dating become a dirty word? Why has a "process" become a failure?

In order for anything we plant to grow we all know that the seed in the ground rots before it becomes a new growth. Even what we call "failures", is truly only a process. Why are we fearing fear itself?

What fear does is paralyze. Let's not continue to paralyze ourselves before we even begin life.

Parents or Friends?

When is one to trust the parents or friends? Then again, facts don't change?

Bad time for Compliments?

One of the simplest and easiest present one can give the other is a compliment.

Why is this one of the most ignored if not the most ignored "present"? Why is there a war between the sexes of who should be the first to compliment? Why is there a ego war, if one is truly claiming to look for love?

Are we looking for love or are we looking for lust and an ego lift?

Are we looking to survive and just exist, or are we looking to live?

When is the game of blame going to stop and the game of life going to begin?

Hashem help us all

Hugging is a means.....

RELATIONSHIPS

The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation--or a relationship.
Deborah Tannen
Communications Expert


Hugging is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
Author unknown

Jokes and Puns

Is it so that women "appreciate" jokes less than men? Do women take jokes more personally than men?

If so, why do men continue to do so? Can they help themselves or not? Is it that hard or do they just not get it?

Is it the "quality" of the jokes or is this one of the major gender differences?

BBQ etiquette

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman then goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Spare time dating?

My experience as a matchmaker,especially in the jewish modern orthodox dating scene, has found that close to 85% will date in their "spare time". Their reason for marriage is to enhance the already enhanced pleasures of life.

The thought therefore follows that, that "little more" enhancement is really not that important. Therefore, spare time dating.

Insane chicks code of ethics?

Must have a pretty face?

What I find more perplexing than anything, is that it's the women who keep declaring that they must pretty!

Then again, in those circles that it is true and perpetuated, what can one say?

The great secret of successful marriage

The great secret of successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.

Harold Nicholson

"What gender is a computer?"

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

2 "things" men whistle at

Fate or Faith ?

What is the true reason people meet and date? What is the true reason people seem to fall in love and then fall out of it?

Are people responsible of their fate because of lack of faith?

Is the reason many almost perfect dates go bust because of lack of faith? Whether it's the lack of faith in themselves, their date or even the One Above?

IMHO opinion the answer is yes.

Are men just "pigs" or is there more to them?

Are men just "pigs" or is there more to them?

Is it about lust only or a combination of lust and love?

I have asked many women this question and am astonished how diverse the answers are. Most women answer what they were "told" vs what they truly know.

Whatever?????????

What is going on with this next generation? Is there nothing valuable left in this world except materialism?

Have we gotten so commercial'ized?

Why are parents so helpless?

His wants, Her wants

So whose wants are more important?

Looking around at different cultures, religion, professionals and the simple nature of man and women, the answer to this question will be as diverse as the 6 plus billion people on this earth are.

It reminds me of what I overheard recently one mother explaining to her friends what she is looking for her son. "I'm looking for a girl that when my son asks her to jump, she will not just answer "Yes!", she will ask "How high?".

Then again if marriage is about "We" and "Us" vs "me" and "I", this would not be a question at all.

So what are weddings?

How many people truly feel that their wedding is their funeral?

Then again, in spite of such feelings, people continue to get married.

Why?

the problems of today…

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

~~~
Q: What is a lesbian?

A: Just another woman trying to do a man's job!

~~~
Dating - The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
~~~

Nymphomaniac - A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

TRUTH'S about MARRIAGE ?

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Is this how your want your marriage to look like?

Is this how your want your marriage to look like?

Does your marriage look like this?

How much should parents be involved?

IMHO, parents need to be very involved. However, what does that really mean?

If parents were looking out truly for the children, then yes, of course they (both) should be involved.

What is happening today is the opposite. Parents are looking what are best for them not for the children! Which is why this shiduchim business is getting worse?

Therefore, between untrained shadchunim, uneducated daters, and confused parents, I truly wonder what the present and the future hold.

Top 10 Reasons G-d Created Eve

10. G-d worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. G-d knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. G-d knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new
fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
7. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. G-d knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when G-d caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that G-d created Eve...
1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

The exact words ?

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man
and wife."

Handy Guide

We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

It's what inside that counts?

Inanimate Objects

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Dating: Ugly, Expensive, and Self-Destructive?

Respect is love in plain clothes.

Respect is love in plain clothes.

Frankie Byrne

Back doors ?

Since when is boring illegal ?

Ah, but enough about me

Difficult and/or simple

How ready is today's new dating and married couples ready to having and bringing up children?

Are today's generation being over-info-ed therefore scaring them too much?