how else could he guarantee that he would not look at other women after he married?

Crown Heights' receding hemlines


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Shmuley Boteach , THE JERUSALEM POST Dec. 16, 2007

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Returning to Chabad headquarters in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, for a Shabbat is an exhilarating experience. Lubavitchers are arguably the most alive people in the world and there is a pulse and electricity in the air that can scarcely be found anywhere else. What I did not expect, however, was to be approached by a large number of young rabbinical students of marriageable age who wanted counseling as to how to overcome their obsession with a woman's looks on dates. Some of the young men who approached me had dated upwards of 40 women and had been instantly dismissive if she wasn't a beauty.
Mind you, these were not bums. Most were outstanding young scholars, deeply religious, serious about their rabbinical degrees, and desirous of going, right after marriage, to the far corners of the world to spread Judaism. But in the area of dating they had absorbed the shallow mores of the mainstream culture. They judged a woman primarily by her appearance.

They had a problem and they knew it. They felt like they were betraying not just the essential values of the Jewish faith but also the exceptional spirituality for which Chabad is justly famous.

Then there was another group of young men who engaged me in endless debate, justifying their preoccupation with their potential mates' looks. One told me that there was nothing wrong with a man wanting to be attracted to his wife - and how else could he guarantee that he would not look at other women after he married?

"Of course a man has to be attracted to his wife," I conceded. "But your mistake is to so narrowly define attraction as consisting merely of physical beauty. What makes a woman striking is the totality of her being - her body, her mind, her heart, her virtue."

I asked them, "Do you believe for one moment that marrying the prettiest woman in the world will serve as an immunity to a roving eye? You can grow just as weary of waking up the same beautiful face as you do to a more ordinary one. Just look at Hollywood. These actors all marry women who look like supermodels, but they cheat on each other and end up divorced after just a few months. Rather, it's finding newness in a relationship that obviates boredom. And that can only come from a woman with real personality."

BUT WHAT about the Torah, he countered, which refers to the matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca and Rachel as being exceedingly beautiful? I responded that whenever the Torah speaks of the matriarchs' beauty, the remark is accompanied by a description of their virtue which was served as the great multiplier of that beauty, such as Sarah's readiness to feed all passersby and Rebecca's kindness in watering Eliezer's camels.

The very fact that I had to engage in a debate with learned rabbinical students about how a woman should not be reduced to mere body parts was extremely troubling.

Of late, I have devoted several columns to the increasingly distressed orthodox Jewish dating scene, where the core Jewish values of character and spiritual virtue are losing out to the dehumanizing qualities of money and looks. Jews who wouldn't be caught dead driving on Shabbat or eating a cheeseburger are prepared to base the most important decision of their lives on values that are antithetical to the Jewish insistence on character and depth.

King Solomon may have exclaimed that "beauty is false, while a woman who fears God is to be praised," but many of the yeshiva students today prefer a shapely body to a sculpted spirit.

Nearly 20 years ago when I married as a young Chabad student, it was almost unheard of to date an endless stream of women before finding a suitable wife. On the contrary, we were so enamored by the thrill of just being out with a woman that the dating did its magic and most of us found life partners without playing the unwinnable game of endless comparison.

Those days are gone and, perhaps for the first time, Chabad and other religious groups are developing their first ever singles scene, with literally thousands of single men and women remaining unattached for a good portion of their twenties.

Sadder still is the way in which the young women of Crown Heights of marriageable age accommodate this growing male shallowness. Last year there was the tragedy of a young woman in her late teens who died of anorexia. Her case was not an anomaly, as more and more Hassidic girls do everything to keep the pounds off, in the knowledge that few rabbinical students will marry them if they are overweight.

Then there are the receding hemlines one sees all around Crown Heights. Chabad girls are showing a lot of leg, which might seem innocuous - but it's not.

The one thing religious Jews always understood is that modest is sexy. Magnetism exists specifically in those things which are hidden and obscured.

WHEN OXFORD'S Bodleian Library last week decided to display all four of its copies of the Magna Carta for the first time in 800 years, it did so for only a single day. Likewise, in stark contrast to withered celebrities like Pamela Anderson who overexposed themselves to the point of a public yawn, great stars like Barbra Streisand remain interesting for decades because they know when not to appear in public.

Overexposure is the very heart of boredom, and one of the qualities that always made religious women so profoundly desirable and attractive was their ladylike demeanor and feminine grace. I remember how, at Oxford, whenever Orthodox Jewish girls would come to spend Shabbat with us, the secular Jewish male students were taken aback by how eye-catching they were, their comeliness lying in their off-limits mystique.

Indeed, the very soul of erotic attraction is what relationship experts call "the erotic barrier," the hurdles that a man must surmount in order to obtain a woman who is always just slightly outside his reach.

Jewish values must be restored to religious dating. The Orthodox community can no longer turn a blind eye to the growing artifice of the religious dating scene. Lectures on the Torah definition of feminine virtue should be made part of the yeshiva curriculum for marriage-age men to counter the growing effects of a TV and magazine culture that is increasingly marketing women as all cover and no book.

Rabbis should give sermons in synagogues that focus on religious men never punishing a woman who puts more time into developing her mind than choosing her clothes. And the women should make it clear to the men who date them that marriage is for adults and not for boys.

The writer's latest book, The Broken American Male, And How to Fix Him will be published next month. He has just launched a Jewish values-based initiative called "This World." www.shmuley.com

Teach your Husband a Lesson

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded. Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

I'll have what she's having ?

Women deserve better.

Women deserve better.

............

Don't be sidetracked. It's not about blaming men. If we allow anyone else to dictate our behavior, it's our fault not theirs. It's our responsibility, not theirs. That holds true for eager young boys, our female friends, colleagues and professors, feminist tomes and sometimes even our parents.

True empowerment is the ability to listen to and act on our own inner voice. True liberation is doing what's right and not being bound by societal pressures. True freedom is identifying with our eternal soul and not being confused by the voices of our temporary but very noisy bodies.

It's long past time for women to stand up for who we truly are. We deserve it.

Birth Control Pills ?

The Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her
life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all
the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young Doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as
he realized she had a prescription for Birth Control Pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control Pills?" "Yes, they
help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know
that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it with the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe
me, it helps me sleep at night."

YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS!!!! (smart old bird

3 SECONDS

IT TAKES 3 SECONDS TO SAY I LOVE YOU...

3 HOURS TO EXPLAIN IT...

AND A LIFETIME TO PROVE IT"!!

The serial dater ?

Inside the mind of a serial seducer.

Then this follow-up.

I found this fellow straightforward, and the women not getting it. Especially when they were trying to convince him that he was wrong about being honest!


The BIG question here is as follows;
Are people responsible for their own feelings when dating?
Do women have more false ideas on dates?
What are the women thinking when they are going up to his apartment?
When are women going to get it, that having sex before marriage is not going to guarantee them a spouse?
When are women going to stop this facade that they didn't only want sex?

Here is one comment I thought was educating;

This guy is having sex with other men's future wives and children's future moms. He is the opposite of true masculinity. He is not taking any responsibility for the emotional health of these women. He is using them for his own satisfaction. He has no back bone. No courage.

He is right in saying that a lot of people in America want novelty is sex. But true satisfaction in sex does not come with novelty. True satisfaction in sex comes from deep emotional intimacy. Novelty in sex only feeds a desire that will never be satisfied.
Danny Stiller, Dallas, TX (Sent Monday, December 10, 2007 11:47 AM

"NOW'ism" ?

.............Chasing delusions

A new ethos has taken hold in the West. It's called 'now-ism'. Overlaying the self-centered, serve me attitude that's been around since the '70s, people today have less patience and lower tolerance for shortcomings than in the past. Maybe it's our fast food, jet travel, instant messaging culture. We want the perfect date now, we want to fall in love immediately, and we don't want to expend a lot of effort getting to know a person's character, goals and values -- factors that greatly determine the long-term success of a relationship. ..........

What's with the MAGIC ?

Personal Experiences From Our Readers` Author: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis


Special Note: A few weeks ago, I published a letter from a single woman who was in conflict as to whether or not she should accept a marriage proposal from a man whom she described as “kind, smart, but nerdy”. Subsequently, I have received many letters from our readers who wrote of their own experiences. The following is just one of them:


Dear Rebbetzin:

First, I want to thank you for all your hard work and writings. I am a sixty-five year old Jewish woman, and although I am not a member of the Orthodox community, I love reading your column and advice to the people who write in because I find it so inspiring.

I felt the need to write because I empathize with the two “youngish” single women who have written recently. Both are confused as to whether to accept proposals from nice, religious men who are either “nerdy” or too slight of build. They say they don’t feel the “magic” they believe they are supposed to feel. Although I understand their dilemma, I laughed out loud at the incongruity of the situation. You see, I was once one of those youngish women, and now that I’ve had time to put things in perspective. I was really laughing at my former self.


I began dating in high school and always wanted to marry young and have a large family. I was slender, pretty and popular and I assumed that finding the man of my dreams would be easy. It wasn’t until my early twenties however, that I became committed to raising a Jewish family. At twenty-two, I thought I had met “the one”. He was older than me, an attorney, and Jewish. I thought the sun rose and set on him, and I felt more “magic” than they have in Disneyland. What more could one ask for? I spent five years hoping we’d marry, but he was afraid to make that commitment because his first marriage had been very traumatic. I wasn’t bitter toward him (after a while), and we remained good friends, but I had to move on and find the one with whom I could raise a family. I resumed dating, but the scene was much like the young woman described – the same singles going to endless parties until you could smell the desperation in the air. I compared everyone to my first boyfriend and none could compete. I was almost tempted to go back to him since he lived just a few blocks away.


So I left the East coast and moved to California at age twenty-nine. Here, people were less judgmental about my age or the fact that I was still single. However, finding marriage-minded Jewish men was not a simple task. Finally, I met Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach and joined the community of “hippies” who davened at the House of Love and Prayer in San Francisco. There was a synagogue on the first floor and two apartments upstairs – one for women and one for men. Anyone could “crash” (find a place to stay) here. Although Shlomo himself wasn’t there often, there were other rabbis who came to teach as well as countless young people who were visiting from Israel or other parts of the U.S. I never saw so many single Jewish men in one place. And they were looking for wives! I was sure I would find someone here....I watched as my new friends paired off and were married. Then the babies started to arrive. Of course, I was happy for everyone, but when would it be my turn? There were men I liked, but they didn’t like me in the same way. And there were men who liked me, but I just didn’t feel the “magic” or the “special connection” that Hollywood has trained young people in our society into thinking they should feel.


After I had lived in the community for two and a half years, many of its members moved to the East coast or to Israel and the House of Love and Prayer was closed.. I joined a Sephardic shul that had many young people in the congregation. I fell “head over heels” for a young man and we became engaged. Our wedding date was announced to the congregation and my fiancé provided a seudah. Finally, I thought – this was it by this time, I was thirty-three years old. However, it was not to be. I discovered that the young man had misrepresented some important facts about himself and our relationship deteriorated. I learned that I couldn’t trust him. How could I have been so gullible? I began blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why did my dream of a happy family life only happen to other people?

I’m a very determined person (okay - so I’m stubborn) and I couldn’t imagine giving up. So after a recuperation period and some therapy, I began dating again. I moved in with my best friend and her husband (I had introduced them) and their little daughter, so I didn’t feel so alone. My friend’s husband is a rabbi although he was employed in another field. He likes to give advice and I listened to him. He helped me see that some of my preconceived, romantic notions were causing me to overlook the good qualities in others. I began to realize that some qualities on my “must have” list weren’t important. Just in time, too, I was now thirty-seven years old.


A short time later, I met a young man at an organization where we were doing volunteer work. When I say young, I mean it! He was twenty five years old. He asked me to go out for coffee afterward. I only said yes because I had nothing planned that afternoon and didn’t feel like going straight home. I didn’t feel attracted to him – he was about two inches taller than me – too short in my opinion, and I knew he was younger than me. But he seemed eager and I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything if I were nice to him.


We went to a vegan restaurant and he offered to buy me lunch. We drank carrot juice and when my glass was empty he offered to get me a second. “He’s awfully nice”, I thought to myself. Then, he told me he’d had a crush on me for weeks! He asked me if I would go out with him. I thought his behavior was cute, and I was flattered that he liked me, but had decided never to date anyone younger because my previous boyfriend (the one to whom I’d been engaged) was younger than me. I wanted someone mature. He said, “Well if the age difference doesn’t matter to me, who should it matter to you?” I realized that my own obstinate notions could cause me to miss a great opportunity and I decided to get out of my own way and see what happened. What had I to lose? The worst thing that could happen was that I’d be disappointed, and I had already learned how to deal with that.

We began dating, and I told myself “I’ll just keep seeing him as long as things are going well and see what happens.” We got along very well and seemed to enjoy the same things and have the same values. We saw each other every day and on the 16th day, he asked me to marry him! I was taken aback at first, and told him I needed some time to think about it.


After a month, he asked me again. This time, I said “yes.” We were married six months later under a chuppah in Golden Gate Park. He wanted a large wedding so we invited about 300 people. My best friend was matron of honor and her husband, the rabbi, “gave me away” because my parents couldn`t attend. Their little daughter was the flower girl. What a joyous day it was!


Today, we`ve been married 27 years and have a 24-year-old son (born when I was 40). We are retired and our son is about to graduate from a prestigious university. We`ve had our “ups and downs” but have never forgotten our commitment to support each other. Of course, the things that were “wrong” with my sweet husband are still there - his neck is short, he is short, his grammar and spelling are bad, he eats too fast, - should I go on? But what does all that matter, when we are so happy together?


Rebbetzin, I hope you will forward this letter to those two young women who wrote you. You can publish it if you want to (although it`s rather long). Even though I`m from outside your community, I want to share my odyssey with others in the hope it will help some one see clearly when faced with this decision. I feel this is a situation many young people struggle with because the media has influenced us - even subconsciously- to value things that, in the long run, don`t really matter.

“You know me, You already turned me down” (No longer in BMG, Had to go to work).

Out Of The Mailbag - To YW Editor (Crying For The Older Bochrim)
December 5, 2007
Dear Yeshivaworld,

I am writing as do many others, for the sole purpose of “venting”.

We read on a weekly basis in the Yated about the sad plight of older single girls who supposedly cry themselves to sleep at night because nobody wants them.

I feel it’s about time the older single guys such as myself get our chance.

Why don’t they realize that they haven’t just graduated seminary? As 20 year-olds they had a right to be picky. They were probably too picky and turned down their best chances. I recommend reading the new “Mountain Climbers” book. There are two stories about girls who didn’t necessarily get what the wanted, THEY MADE IT WORK! That’s all it takes.

Remember, the only person who thinks just like you, has the same opinions as you, and wants the same exact things that you do, is the person you see in the mirror on a daily basis. She has everything backwards!

Signed,

“You know me, You already turned me down” (No longer in BMG, Had to go to work).