"If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"

4 Tevet

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Joshua Isaac Shapira, a leader of 19th century European Jewry known by the nickname Reb Eisele Charif. The story is told that when his daughter was ready to get married, Reb Eisel sought out the top yeshiva student. He entered the study hall and announced: "I have a very difficult question on a passage in the Talmud. Whoever can supply the correct answer will have my daughter's hand in marriage." Soon a long line formed, and one by one the students tried to provide the answer. And one by one, Reb Eisel explained how the answers were incorrect. This went on for days, but when no one came up with the correct answer, Reb Eisel packed up and left. He had just reached the edge of the city, when he heard a voice shouting after him: "Reb Eisel, Reb Eisel!" He turned around to see a young man running in his direction. The student explained: "I know I wasn't able to satisfy the condition for marriage, but just for my own sake, could you please tell me the correct answer?" "Aha!" shouted Reb Eisel. "If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"

'I want to be gorgeous too'

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The seco nd one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

'Make 'em all ugly again.'

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

MarriagE & ME

Many of us are too focused on the "me" in the equation.


Puzzled, the matchmaker requested more information. "She's actually very smart," the boy innocently revealed. "She agreed with all my opinions."

Playing with matches ???!!!!!

This is maybe one of the best ways, i as a shadchun feel today. i am sure all the caring shadchunim feel the same.

Hey, we are human as you all are.

Do singles really need to have anything in common ?

Actually, maybe the question should be; "Do singles really Have anything in common" ?

As much as the debate will go on about, that men and women are equal, the truth is that they are not, and will never be.
What each side should be asking is, " What can I contribute to the relationship to make it work? ".

Wishing all, a happy getting closer, Chanukkah !!!

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
76 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
76 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
76 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
76 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
76 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
76 76

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
76 He can chew breakfast

.

A wedding is an event — a marriage is a lifelong commitment ?

These two articles were sent to me discussing today's culture of weddings and marriage.
1. Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?
2. Do Rom-Coms Spoil Our Love Lives?

IMHO , after listening and reading what is happening even in -orthodox and/or religious circles, these opinions are very true..

While there are exceptions with some realistic people out there, how many though are conditioned to be realistic?

How singles feel

World stands on 3 things:

TORAH boy has to learn.
AVODA - girl has to work.
GIMILUS CHASADIM - the parents have to support them.

The Shidduch Crisis by Chaya Sara Schlussel

Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.

No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!

I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the yeshiva!

Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv out there for us future mother in laws.

I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."

"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"

"Huh?"

"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."

"Oh, well I don't know "

"And how tall is she?"

"Oh, she's average hei-"

"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5. She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be acceptable."

"Ok. I just-"

"What does she look like?"

"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."

"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"

"This girl is pretty."

"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"

"Yes, she's very-"

"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"

"No, I'm not sure I-"

"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's partial to BMW's."

"Oh. I didn't-"

"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child, nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."

"Actually, she's-"

"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."

"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"

"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha of Shabbos as much as they should."

"Well then, what should they eat on?"

"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl quiet, or is she loud?"

"She's not too quiet"

"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."

"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"

"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"

"Of course not, she's-"

"What will she wear on her head?"

"Excuse me?"

"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel? Which is it?"

"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"

"Regula r? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,' 'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or a rebbetzin?"

"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's just a good gir-"

"Did she go to camp?"

"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed home."

"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with a girl who hasn't been to camp."

"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"

"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with any girl who hasn't been to-"

"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your son."

Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch crisis!

THE PERFECT PLAN

THE PERFECT PLAN

A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D.. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

I love it when a plan comes together.... ..

(anon)

"What can I get for just a rib???"

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"

'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri

'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri
American Jews are in a great danger of their own.


Last week, the United Jewish Communities, an umbrella organization of America's 150 Jewish Federations, held their annual General Assembly conference at Jerusalem's Binyani HaUmah. As oleh comedian Benji Lovitt
GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received.
described it, it was the ultimate "Power Shmoozing" session of American Jewry. Hundreds of professional Jews from around America dressed like an army of diplomats, ranked by the figures of their financial donations to the Federation, mingled between speeches by top Israeli leaders Ehud Olmert, Binyamin Netanyahu, American oleh turned Israeli basketball legend Tal Brody, and others. Privileged donors of $100,000 were honored at a gala dinner, with an opening night attended by Mr. Olmert himself.

Despite all the hoopla, the Jerusalem Post reports that GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received in Hebrew-language media. Professional Jews of America seem to be frustrated with Israelis' lack of interest in the culture of the American Jewish community. They further claim that even when Israeli journalists visit the US they ignore the Jewish community and are only interested in US politics.

I attended the GA in Jerusalem, representing the Jewish communities in the Shomron, promoting our program of partnership between communities here and in the Galut. Though our "sister community" program we wish to reach out our distant brothers and sisters by building a real tie between Jews in the Shomron and Jews around the world. The truth is that I did find myself a stranger in a strange crowd. I would say that no more then 5% of the participants wore kipot and tzitzit (and some of those people were women). How "Jewish" was the tone of the day? UJC leader Edgar Bronfman said in his opening speech at the NexGen (Next Generation) meeting: "Let's not talk about intermarriage as an enemy, but as a reality."

This sheds light on the entire philosophy of the UJC. They believe in the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold make the rules." The UJC's leadership is made up of people like Mr. Bronfman, whose children have intermarried and whose grandchildren are no longer Jewish in terms of traditional Judaism. They have set out to form a new culture called the "United Jewish Communities," but, which should really be called "Bronfmanism". They are shocked that Israelis show so little interest in their works, but don't stop to think that the reason lies in the fact that they have cut themselves off from the connecting link - authentic Jewish culture.

The center of true Jewish culture is expressed by the implementation of the prophecies of the Bible, the ingathering of the Jewish people and the establishment of the State of Israel in our historical homeland. The abundance of Jewish wealth in America is not a culture within itself that can replace our heritage and values. That wealth should be used to complement those achievements in Israel and not to compete with them.

Apparently, their newly founded "Jewish" ethics and concepts of Tikun Olam are strange even to mainstream secular Israelis, who are naturally so much more "Jewish" then their American counterparts. Tikun Olam through feeding the hungry in Africa and Asia with Jewish money, so as to "fix the world's misconception" that Jewish money is not to their advantage, can not replace the true Jewish concept of Tikun Olam b'malcut Shadai - making the world complete by acknowledging the Kingdom of HaShem through fulfilling the mitzvot of the Torah.
Torah, not money, is what brings us together and causes us to be a people.
Expensive gala dinners honoring wealthy donors can not replace a traditional Shabbat dinner honoring HaShem who created the world in seven days.

UJC leaders find it hard to understand that the framework of our historical heritage - Torah, not money - is what brings us together and causes us to be a people. American Jews are in a great danger of their own doing. Their only hope is acknowledging that the key to Jewish leadership is not measured in dollars, but rather in commitment to authentic Jewish values.

American Jewish communities would be wise to invest their support in organizations like Nefesh B'Nefesh and Kollel MiTzion, organizations that preach Aliyah and teach Torah. That is what's needed to secure the future of their children by connecting them with our Torah and people and bringing them home to our land. The only hope for the future of the Jews of America is in return - return to our Torah and return to our land. The words of a great Jewish leader in Europe decades ago echo with great relevance today for the American Jewish communities: "Liquidate the diaspora before the diaspora liquidates you."

Generation Y talks about love in this 5 minute video by AishCafe.com

Generation Y talks about love in this 5 minute video by AishCafe.com

The greatness of man

The greatness of man

IMHO: 1 (if not the) reason for the shidduch crisis

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Conventional wisdom has proven that it is not so much about marrying the right person as being the right person

Practical advice on what it takes to build a Jewish home.

$5000. vs $200. ?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,

Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Am or am not?

The answer to why .....

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me G-D, can I ask you a few questions?"

G-D replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

The house always wins

When one spouse is more committed Jewishly than the other.

Unspoken communication

Jerusalem - Israeli Rabbi: Smokers, Reckless Drivers ‘halacha’ Disqualifies Them As A Witnesses For Rabbinical Courts, Weddings

Jerusalem - Israeli Rabbi: Smokers, Reckless Drivers ‘halacha’ Disqualifies Them As A Witnesses For Rabbinical Courts, Weddings

Israel - Organization to Start Training Rabbis on Marriage Counseling

Israel - Organization to Start Training Rabbis on Marriage Counseling

The Average American

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

Men vs Women

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Costco.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Household appliances

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Attitude is Everything

The process of human change begins within us. We all have tremendous potential. We all desire good results from our efforts. Most of us are willing to work hard and to pay the price that success and happiness demand.

Each of us has the ability to put our unique human potential into action and to acquire a desired result. But the one thing that determines the level of our potential, that produces the intensity of our activity, and that predicts the quality of the result we receive is our attitude.

Attitude determines how much of the future we are allowed to see. It decides the size of our dreams and influences our determination when we are faced with new challenges. No other person on earth has dominion over our attitude. People can affect our attitude by teaching us poor thinking habits or unintentionally misinforming us or providing us with negative sources of influence, but no one can control our attitude unless we voluntarily surrender that control.
No one else "makes us angry." We make ourselves angry when we surrender control of our attitude. What someone else may have done is irrelevant. We choose, not they. They merely put our attitude to a test. If we select a volatile attitude by becoming hostile, angry, jealous or suspicious, then we have failed the test. If we condemn ourselves by believing that we are unworthy, then again, we have failed the test.

If we care at all about ourselves, then we must accept full responsibility for our own feelings. We must learn to guard against those feelings that have the capacity to lead our attitude down the wrong path and to strengthen those feelings that can lead us confidently into a better future.

If we want to receive the rewards the future holds in trust for us, then we must exercise the most important choice given to us as members of the human race by maintaining total dominion over our attitude. Our attitude is an asset, a treasure of great value, which must be protected accordingly. Beware of the vandals and thieves among us who would injure our positive attitude or seek to steal it away.

Having the right attitude is one of the basics that success requires. The combination of a sound personal philosophy and a positive attitude about ourselves and the world around us gives us an inner strength and a firm resolve that influences all the other areas of our existence.

Jim Rohn

$50.00 is $50.00

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know fifty dollars is fifty dollars

Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5, BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule, ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,


A Distressed User

----------------------

Dear Distressed User:


This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating system.

This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Thanks for using our Tech Support.

the secret of marriage?

How to count

With age comes wisdom ?

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

You are going to die

Senior Romance

This is the story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida .

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper at the Club House. The widower and the widow went with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.

The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table and the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally he plucked up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes, Yes I Will."

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.

The next morning the widower was troubled.

Did she say Yes or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.......................

"And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."

I've learned....

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Source Unknown

A Time of Favor

A Time of Favor by Gutman Locks

A time of favor is a time when G-d bends down low and cups His hands over the back of His ears so He can hear our prayers even clearer. Of course, this is a metaphor, but, still, it helps us to understand what our role should be at such times.

It is well known that the time of the chuppah (the marriage canopy) is a time of favor. For this reason many brides and grooms are accustomed to bringing a list of their friends under the chuppah with them. They stand there and fervently pray not only for their own marriage to be a success, but for their loved ones too.

Praying for others not only helps the people who are prayed for, it also helps the ones who pray. Prayer is a tremendous kindness. It shows that you are truly concerned with others’ well being. And G-d never lets a kindness go unpaid. He is quick to reward those who take on the concerns of others.

There is another time of favor just as great as the chuppah, but so few women take complete advantage of it. This is the moment when you light your Shabbos candles. Because of this, not only should married women light candles at this time, but single girls should also light a candle to welcome the Shabbos. And if you will do the following when you light you will certainly change at least two lives:

After you make the blessing, while your hands still cover your eyes, and after you pray for your loved ones, say, “Hashem please give my chatan (groom) a nice Shabbos, and bring him to me as soon as we are ready.” After all, even though you do not yet know who he is, he is somewhere in the world, and he is yours.

hot chocolate

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said:

'Notice that all the nice looking; expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress

The cup that you 're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups.

And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate G-d has provided us G-d makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate!!

War in peace ?

communication is SO important

Single Jewish Female Seeks Stress Relief

Single Jewish Female Seeks Stress Relief By TAMAR SNYDER

I'm Bored .... How do I return the gift?

Just a serious reflection of a shadchun why shidduchim don't happen as people "want" them to happen.

Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others)

Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others)


"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness." The guy ideal: a chick who views coupledom as a solid partnership in which both she and her man still have separate identities.

Getting married for the sex .........

Getting married for the sex -
is like flying to London for the bag of salty peanuts

-A Prairie Home Companion - Guy Noir Private Eye

Great minds think alike ...........

I do not FEEL a thing

It must be true

You have nothing to worry about

A man once came to the Tzemach Tzedek - third Lubavitcher Rebbe - with a complaint. The man was plagued with doubts in Hashem. "Why does it bother you?" quizzed the Rebbe. The astonished man answered, "Rebbe, because I am a Jew!" "If that be so," continued the Rebbe, "You have nothing to worry about."

The Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disapp ointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a pl ace to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..... "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."And love G-d with all your heart.

Life is ten percent what yo u make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Why?

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that it breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say: - Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go? And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying: -Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says: I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you? Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.
I'm number four.....

Dear Tide

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told
me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Reb Moshe Leib Sassover...........

Reb Moshe Leib Sassover was known for the tremendous love and kindness he constantly expressed for his fellow Jews. There was a constant stream of Jews who came to him to ask for a word of advice or a blessing. One day a poor women appeared at his door. As soon as she was admitted to his rooms she began. "I beg you, Rebbe," she pleaded, "give me a blessing for my daughter who is very sick." Reb Moshe Leib responded with the blessing, "May G-d send her a complete and speedy recovery."

But this blessing was not sufficient for the distraught mother. "No, Rebbe, you must swear to me on your share in the World to Come that G'd will cure my child." Without hesitation, Reb Moshe Leib replied, "I swear on my portion in the next world that G'd will cure her and she will recover." When she heard these words, the women thanked the Rebbe and left with a light heart.

Reb Moshe Leib's students who had observed the entire incident were astounded. They asked him, "Rebbe, how could you have made such a promise? The girl is seriously ill, and it is very possible she may not survive." "What else could I have done?" replied Reb Moshe Leib. "The tears of a Jewish mother are more precious to me than the entire World to Come. If my swearing on my future reward in the World of Truth was necessary to stop her from crying, then it is more than worth it to me, even if it will cost me my portion in the next world.

The pursuit ?

Men vs Women :

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really ticked off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them, they still don't learn from their mistakes, and still try their luck with others.


Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Do you have to take it personally?

4 bucks a gallon date ?

If you're a confused single person, you'll most likely be a confused married person

What is the missing ingredient in so many marriages that end in divorce? by Rabbi David Clyman

5 Ways to stay in Love

5 Ways to stay in Love by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A

check your parenting abilitites

Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites. This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)

MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

men vs women : busy-financial security

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really ticked off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them, they still don't learn from their mistakes, and still try their luck with others.


Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

When your spouse is a slob

When your spouse is a slob

Okay, Fine, There Really Are No Good Jewish Men Out There

Okay, Fine, There Really Are No Good Jewish Men Out There
Opinion

By David Seidman

I wish ..................

How did the human race appear?

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'G-d made Adam and Chava (Eve) and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Later, the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered,

'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Senior Romance

This is the story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper at the Club House. The widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.

The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table and the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally he plucked up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes, Yes I Will."

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.

The next morning the widower was troubled.

Did she say Yes or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.......................

"And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."

obnoxious ?

After waiting more than an hour and a halffor her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"

Confessions from the professional shadchan:

Confessions from the professional Shadchan:

I am a great shadchan! Who knows how to date successfully better than me? Nobody! There are a couple secrets that I will reveal here to guarantee your success. Follow them to a tee and I guarantee results. If I reveal my name singles from all over will know how on target I can be, and I simply would never be able to handle the influx of singles who would contact me for shidduchim. So for the greater good of everyone dating out there I will give off these pearls of dating wisdom for free, anonymously.

We all know there are people out there who do not understand the implications of family values that are reflected by simple daily actions. Do not worry about the big things like how anyone plans to support a family; we all know Hashem will take care of those things. It is the small things that really tell you about someone. For example, a family's health is easily discernable by the dress size of the mother. It is these small yet usually overlooked details that are obviously just the tip of the iceberg when trying to understand what type of family you are investigating. I know these things as a professional shadchan who has set up hundreds of singles. If only these single people listened to each of my rules, they would all be married by now. Since they do not listen, they are still single. I want to help you find the perfect person to marry. The small details are what will set you apart from those in the "Shidduch crisis".

Lets start with preparations for the date.
In the course of your life you will probably have numerous jobs but only one spouse. When you go on a job interview, you wear a suit. A date is not just an interview, it is more important than that, and you should show your date you are serious about dating by wearing the nicest clothes you own.

Men - The Shadchan should tell you when to pick up the girl. Most shadchanim are excited about setting up a couple so they will tell you a time too early. Whatever time the shadchan tells you to pick up the girl, show up twenty minutes later and claim you were so engrossed in learning you lost track of time. Girls love that!
Women - After reading this, you know the boy will be showing up late for his first date. Just as he tries to impress you by being late, you do the same thing to him. Guys love a challenge. When the boy comes to the door, do NOT open it! Let your mom (also who must be dressed appropriately for a date) open the door to show she takes care of the family. Then your date should be led to your father who should sit and talk to the boy for at least ten minutes before you come down. This builds up the boys' anticipation. By the time you make your appearance the boy will see you and simply fall in love when all his expectations were met. You are dressed in your best Shabbos clothes, so bring a long coat. Never mind the weather, bring the coat: You will see why later.

Transportation:
Men - NEVER open a car door for a girl. If you do, she may think you are doing so simply to catch a glimpse of her legs as she maneuvers into the front seat. Show her you are better than that!
Women - NEVER wear the seatbelt. I heard of stories where the boys would stop short simply to force the girl into the seatbelt to reveal her figure. If you do not wear the seatbelt, the boy will be forced to drive safely. If the boy asks you to put one on, he is obviously perverted on some level.

Where to go on a date:
I heard there is this whacko who takes his dates to places that are fun. He obviously goes to places that are fun to mask his insecurity, and is not ready to date for real. Prove to the girl that you are so secure with your own personality that you go where everyone else goes! Obviously the best place is a nice hotel lobby.
Men - Never offer to sit at a small table if the chairs are positioned across from each other. This may lead to your feet accidentally touching the girls feet under the table. Offer to sit on a couch. If you are right handed, you must sit on her right side. This way your uncomfortable left hand will never accidentally do anything to brush against her. If there is any possibility of this happening, you are sitting WAY to close on the couch which will make her uncomfortable. Shimmy away into the corner of the couch. If she shimmies to the other corner, you know things are progressing properly.
Women- It really doesn't matter what side of the couch you sit on. Unlike most men, you can control what you do with your hands. Do not lean to far back into the couch as the boy will think you are showing off your figure. Do not slouch to far forward as the boy will think you are trying to show off your behind. Sit as straight as possible with your hands resting on your lap. Your long coat will be draped over your lap to shade your feet from his peripheral vision.

Walking:
Let's say it is a pleasant night and you want to go for a walk. Even something as simple as a walk can seal or wreck a relationship. Know the rules and your next walk will be down the aisle.
Men- Show the girl early that you are in control and always walk one step ahead of her. Women like men of power and on the first date you can show her who is boss! She will respect you.
Women - In today's modern world, men think they rule everything, but we know who the boss really is. As the boy is walking, let him stay one step ahead of you. But, you can really show him who's boss by walking one step slower than him. This will force him to walk slower. You will be secretly controlling him and he will think he is being nice by not saying anything. The slower you walk, the more powerful he thinks he is, and the more powerful you really are! You will both impress each other.

Dropping off your date:
Ending the date the right way will provide either a second date or an opportunity for a better shidduch date next time. Men: A) No matter what - tell the girl you had a great time and you can't wait to talk again soon. This way, no matter what, you will make the girl feel happy as you part ways.
B) There is never a reason to walk a girl to her door. That is goyish and only belongs in the movies.
Women: A) No matter what - Agree with the guy no matter what he says. You can always claim to the shadchan you, or he, said something else. This way, no matter what, as the boy leaves, you will make him feel happy as you part ways.
B) In our circles, boys do not walk girls to the door, so no matter how hot it may be outside, make sure you are wearing that long Shabbos coat. This way, when you walk away from the car, the boy who may want to look at your figure will see nothing but how modest you are in your dress. The boy may show how modest he is by driving away as soon as you exit his car. This shows you that he is modest enough not to look at you. Either way- it's the best way a date can end if you both know the proper behavior.

We are all brought up in separate schools, we go to separate camps, we should not talk to each other after Shul, we do not even sit with each other at weddings. In our world, we do not mix. We have no reason to rely on the etiquette used by those lesser people who meet under so called "normal" circumstances. As long as everyone would follow the same rules as mentioned above, there would be no shidduch "crisis" at all.

It is the troublemakers who think for themselves and think there is a better way who ruin it for all of us.

You may want to do things a little different to show that you are "special". That is fine, but if you take that risk, my guarantee for success will no longer be in effect. You can do what you want, but trust me on the long Shabbos coat.

Good Luck.

Shadchan A.

5 Lessons for Dating for Marriage

Women share their advice gleaned from years of challenging dating.
Talia* had been dating since she was 20 years old and finally found her husband at 45; Ricki found her husband after a broken engagement, a huge change in lifestyle and approach to dating, and many plane rides at the age of 37; Sarah didn't know how she'd find her husband, coming from a traditional background while working toward a career as a doctor. During a frank, open discussion, these women offered practical advice from their years of challenging dating. Here are their top five lessons.

1. Be Self-Centered!

Being single is a great opportunity to improve one's self as an individual. Rather than being detrimentally self-centered, work on being the best YOU you can possibly be. Sarah admits how much she had to grow over her eight years of dating for marriage in order to maturely choose her husband. "I realized that life is all about improving yourself. The more you work on yourself, the better your destined match will be."

In a similar vein, Ricki jokes, "The attitude is not like: 'Hey, where is my husband? Give him to me.' Life is true work -- nothing is guaranteed."

Marriage is seen by many as a bond that secures one's place in society, but as a single don't forget your importance as an individual in society. During her 25 years of dating Talia did not allow herself to get depressed. Instead she occupied herself with giving to her family and community while working on her career as a therapist. "Believe you are an important part of society. Believe that being single is not your fault, that you really do want to get married, and you deserve to get married." Feel positively about yourself, your contributions to society, and your worthiness of marriage. Positivity always enjoys company!

And be sure to take care of yourself. "Put a smile on your face and wear nice clothing," Ricki says. "Many different people are watching you and may have ideas of suitable guys."

2. See Past the Head-Over-Heels Love-At-First-Sight Fantasy

"Many times girls are stuck in the mentality that they should feel butterflies when they meet the right person, but it's not like that," Ricki explains. "You can first just like someone and then get to know their personality, and that's when real feelings are in the making."

Rather than focusing mainly on the attraction factor, take time to get to know the person's inner personality. "We have very preconceived notions when we are dating," Talia says. "If older singles didn't put so much emphasis on things they think are important it would be easier for them. Like whether he is taller, shorter, heavier, thinner, good-looking, less good-looking. All those things are so not important."


"You could marry almost anyone as long as your goals are the same and you have open communication about where you are heading in life."


Readiness for marriage and a conscious commitment to making it work are crucial. Talia continues, "You could marry almost anyone as long as your goals are the same and you have open communication about where you are heading in life."

"Be open and don't have a massive list of criteria," Ricki says. She ended up marrying a man of a different nationality and moved to his hometown, though these options did not match her preferences at all. "When you think of most girls, they don't marry men who fit their original list of criteria because ultimately there is a higher plan and it doesn't include things like 'he should be this tall or have this degree or own this or that.'"

A final practical tip: "You should always go on a second date unless you absolutely have no physical attraction with that person."

3. Get Help (from the right sources)

The world of dating is not always a friendly one -- from singles get-togethers to matchmakers to friends just trying to help out -- and proper guidance is a must in such an important undertaking as finding one's partner in life.

Talia, for instance, warns against speaking with other singles and encourages having an objective third party act as a coach and go-between. "A lot of older singles become very negative and down and it comes across when you ask information about a guy. It's very beneficial to have a mentor who can guide you in the dating, someone you can talk and meet with who can give guidance on how to move the relationship along."

"The most success I had was with my friends who cared about me and were trying to look out for me," Sarah says. "They knew I needed someone learning and very intelligent."

4. Extend Yourself

Keep your eyes and ears open. Even if a date doesn't work out in the way you hoped, it may be a way to do an amazing act of kindness for a friend.

"Dating is such a great opportunity to also think of other women who may be suitable for the guy that wasn't right for you," Ricki says. "Be very grateful that you had the pleasure of going out on a date and then think who you know that could be suitable for this person. Extend a kindness to someone else." When we are kind to others, that kindness often comes back to us, and even greater.

5. Don't Give Up and Don't Stop Praying

With 25 years of dating experience one can only imagine the great storehouses of faith Talia had to rely on. "Deep faith can get you through anything," she says. "You have to really believe to the core of your being."

In addition to this, work on staying happy and thankful for the many positive things that fill your life. "Even when it is really difficult for us we must realize that this is our test," Ricki says. "For those girls who get married quickly, that is not their test."

In whatever language you know best, talk to the Almighty and affirm your belief that He can help you.


To sign up for the Inspire Kallah E-newsletter: http://inspirekallah.blogspot.com

*All names changed
Published: Saturday, March 22, 2008

Ditch your dating fears

Ditch your dating fears By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Yes, dating can be scary! You’ve got such high hopes and you’re putting your heart on the line, so it makes sense you’d find yourself a little freaked. But don’t let your jitters ruin a rendezvous. Here’s how we can help make that happen: We decided to address some of the most common insecurities that people experience in those early dating days. Our simple tips help you turn your worry into a “Wow, that was fun!” feeling.

Dating Insecurity #1: “I’m not my date’s type.”
Stressed that Mr./Ms. Adorable won’t approve of your looks, outfit, career, personality, dating history, etc.? This line of thinking won’t do anything but make you a nervous wreck. A better bet? Flip it. “The purpose of a date is to decide whether you want another one, not whether the person likes you,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. So just act as if your date is the one auditioning for approval—because it’s true. “This will allow you to relax so you can enjoy the moment,” says Dr. Neuharth.

Dating Insecurity #2: “I’m going to do something stupid.”
You worry that you’ll spill red wine in your date’s lap, choke on a nacho, slip on the sidewalk or have some other mortifying mishap… suddenly you’ll be every shade of red and your date will think you’re a dork, right? Think again. Even if something like this were to happen, here’s the upside: Showing your vulnerable side can actually endear you to your match. “Some happy couples’ fondest memories and oft-repeated stories are about early embarrassing moments, like snorting when laughing or dipping your sleeve in soy sauce,” says Dr. Neuharth. “When you see another person being embarrassed, it humanizes that person and you feel a natural kinship.” So if the unimaginable happens, laugh (instead of freaking out or apologizing over and over all night) and embrace that you’re now part of the “embarrassing dating moments” club.

Dating Insecurity #3: “What if I have to let this person down eventually?”
“Before a date, I always worry about how I’ll handle things if I don’t want to see the guy again and he’s into me,” says Christina Avion, 32, Los Angeles, CA. “I feel terrible about the prospect of having to reject someone and can work myself up into a real state over it.” Hey, it’s nice to be concerned about your date’s feelings, but a candlelit dinner doesn’t equal signing up for happily ever after. “As the saying goes, you can’t make a good omelet without breaking a few eggs,” says Dr. Neuharth. So quit over-thinking and deal with turning the person down when and if it’s actually necessary. Should that be the case, Dr. Neuharth suggests replying with “I don’t think we’re a match” or simply “No, thank you” when you’re asked for another date. And while it feels like you’re delivering some huge blow, try some perspective: “Letting someone down shows that you respect the person’s time, and most adults can take care of themselves,” says Dr. Neuharth.

Dating Insecurity #4: “I’ll accidentally offend my date.”
You roll your eyes at the mention of a pretentious film festival, only to realize your dinner partner was actually inviting you along. How do you recover? “If you offend someone, the magic words are simply ‘I’m sorry,’” says Dr. Neuharth. You can’t possibly know everything about your date, so you may unintentionally cross a no-no line. If you apologize sincerely but your date is still touchy, then you probably wouldn’t work out with that person long-term anyway. But if he or she appreciates your contrition, you can move on to more interesting (and neutral) subjects.

Dating Insecurity #5: “I’m so bad at small talk.”
Feeling conversationally challenged? Whether you tend to talk a mile-a-minute or go silent and slack-jawed, hiccups in first-date banter can be panic-inducing. “I went out with a guy who barely spoke, so I found myself spilling personal information about myself, my family and my job just because I couldn’t handle the silence,” admits Jennifer Byrne, 35, Minneapolis, MN. If you tend to blab when you’re nervous or to fill an awkward silence, remind yourself that it’s not your job to carry the conversation single-handedly. “Your date is capable of coming up with things to talk about, too,” says Dr. Neuharth. “Pause, listen or even break the ice by saying, ‘Don’t you hate awkward silences on dates?” A tactic that’s good for people who tend to clam up? Always have a couple of great conversation-starting questions in your back pocket, like “What’s the one weekend activity you never get tired of?” or “What adventures do you hope to have before the year is over?”

Dating Insecurity #6: “The ending of the date is always awkward.”
Stressing about the goodnight moment before you even order dessert: Kiss or no kiss? Shake hands? Go for a hug? Ask for another date? The best solution is to let your gut guide you. If you had a good time, say so with feeling. If you didn’t, just say “thank you.” And if you’re not sure whether to smooch, just smile broadly, squeeze your honey’s hand, and turn to depart. It gives your date the perfect opportunity to make a move without any weirdness if he or she doesn’t go for a kiss. “If you two clicked, there will be more dates and the endings will become easier and probably more delicious!” says Dr. Neuharth. Which is a nice thought that you can use to calm your nerves during a date.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based writer whose work has appeared in publications including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Women’s Health, and Fitness.

The dumbest kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the
quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the
game's over!"

Wisdom of Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

'Test of Three?'

'That's correct,' Socrates continued.

'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary...'

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The biggest problem in marriage ?

Dating 1990 vs 2008