Why yeshivish shidduchim are happening ?

An Open Letter to Seminary Girls: Etiquette in Geulah

CommentsBy Yeshiva Guy

In a tradition dating back to the opening of the doors of the first seminary way back when in the fifties, the second week of Elul is host to an ingathering of exiles, so to speak. I refer to the yearly migration of those known colloquially as Sem Girls. Otherwise known as our holy seminary sisters. Yes, every year around this time they invade Geulah. They take Malchei Yisroel and transform it from the once sleepy Yerushlayimer shopping and food center it was into a yearlong virtual sleepover.
Somehow, the Ribono Shel Olam has seen fit to force us, Yeshiva Guys, and them to co-exist in the same space. And like many other things in life, this is something I don’t understand; yet I accept it. But I do have some things I want to get off of my chest…
Every year, us Yeshiva Guys moan and groan about these issues. We go on the same diatribes, vent recurrently to ourselves, and wish things were different. Well, this year I’m determined to change all that. So below find some of the many things that you do to tick us off- kindly take note, and refrain from doing so.
Don’t:
-Talk loudly on your pelephones about nothing. If you must do so, at least make sure to slowly and clearly, enunciating every syllable, list off your fathers’ bank accounts so I, too, can enjoy unlimited cakes from Moishy’s Bakery.
-Wear Crocs in public. This is NOT cool, and does not fit in with the Bas Melech image your teachers will be attempting to teach you over the next year.
-Daven mincha on the street because shkiah “just…happened” and you have no place to daven. Either watch your watch, like we do, or don’t daven. As much as it may pain you to learn this, females are not bound by time-related commandments.
-Loudly barter with the shopkeeper as if he were deaf in your Americanized Harry-ess Ivrit that you think you’re proficient in. You’re not. Either learn and speak the language with the local accent, or stick with the English you don’t know. Trust me, the locals understand your English better than your Ivrit.
-Feel the need to litter the entire Yerushalayim with the yellow/purple/clear plastic/paper cups that you just got from Fro-Yo or Sams or Mitzei Uri. It’s nice that you enjoy them, and it’s wonderful that you’re supporting local merchants and all, but really, what about recycling?
-Rave about Rabbi Orlofsky’s shiur last night that is definitely, positively, OMG OMG gonna change your life. We all know it won’t. And if really was such a life changer, you wouldn’t still be sipping that Mitz Pri as you stroll down Yechezkel. Only dogs eat/drink in the street. Not people. Or even sem girls.
-Feel like you have to go to the Machlis’, the Blind Couple, and every other chavayah during your stay here. You can still be Jewish without going to those people. I know, because I still am.
-Use the default ringer on your Disposa-phone that came with your seminary’s suggested student plan. Hashem gave you kids all that creativity and individuality to be able to create all those plays and singa-thons and dances and whatever. Express it. If I hear that la-di-dah-di-dah one more time I may just…
-Feel obligated to take over Sams Bagels between 1-4 every afternoon. How about just ordering your food and taking it back to your dorm, huh? I’ll arrange for the teenaged Israeli shibob with the knockoff UnderArmour spray shirt to give you an oversized bag so everyone will know you went…M’kay?
-Be scared to take Arab taxis. Your seminary Giveret is bluffing you. The story about the girls who took one once and…yeah. It never happened. Sorry, I know Israel is much more exciting that way, but…
-Buy leather-bound Tehillims/Siddurim for all of your cousins/aunts/uncles. That creativity thing? Again, demonstrate.
-And finally,under NO circumstances are you to enter Pitzuchei Moshiach. PM is a male-only establishment. Aside from the narrow aisle issue, PM is just…well…sacred. Don’t defile it. Go to any one of the other fine nut houses.
So welcome to our town. Geulah is our turf. You can have Har Nof, Sortozkin, MInchas Yitzchak, Ramat Eshkol, and the other shchunos. But Geulah is our turf. We own it.
So adios, and seeya back in America.
Yeshiva Guy

Shortest story

Marriage a Habit ?

Eat, Pray, Love. Then What? Get Married.
Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, “Committed,” is scheduled for release in January
By MOTOKO RICH
Published: August 19, 2009

......
“I spent about 10 months trying to learn as much as I could possibly learn about this very frustrating, contradictory and ultimately interesting human habit,” Ms. Gilbert said."

Definition of a Wife:

(B)eautiful (I)ntelligent (T)alented (C)harming (H)omemaker

These are actual Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers

I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs - religion not important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar b'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the 'fast' lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to, share your innermost thought and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for 8 days. Who knows?

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made, looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Kiss

Words of Wisdom...

It's ok to kiss a fool.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.
But don't let a kiss fool you.

Another Obama Program .... for the shidduch crises

Another Obama Program

After successfully solving the banking, mortgage, automobile, and housing crisis’s, President Barack Obama has now turned his attention to solving the ultimate problem - The Shidduch Crisis.

After much consultation with his close advisors, the president has unveiled his Kallah’s for Clunkers program. With broad bipartisan support, and modeled after the successful Cars for Clunkers program, the deal offers any married man $4500 to leave his current wife and engage a girl of at least 22 years of age. With this one bold act, thousands of young girls currently in crises mode will be taken off the market, making the even younger girls available for the just freezer-released Yeshiva bochurim.

In addition, the anticipated surge of uffrufs, weddings, and sheva brochos that this initiative will cause, will hopefully jumpstart and stimulate the stagnant heimishe economy, with spending on simchah baskets, party planners, and other wasteful expenditures. President Obama has successfully resolved a crisis that many experts have spent so many years trying to solve proving true once again his slogan – Obama: Exchange We Can Believe In!

Is There Hope for the American Marriage?

.........................

The fundamental question we must ask ourselves at the beginning of the century is this: What is the purpose of marriage? Is it — given the game-changing realities of birth control, female equality and the fact that motherhood outside of marriage is no longer stigmatized — simply an institution that has the capacity to increase the pleasure of the adults who enter into it? If so, we might as well hold the wake now: there probably aren't many people whose idea of 24-hour-a-day good times consists of being yoked to the same romantic partner, through bouts of stomach flu and depression, financial setbacks and emotional upsets, until after many a long decade, one or the other eventually dies in harness.

Or is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old.

Just look at the hottest new trend in marriage: the 50-year itch

Just look at the hottest new trend in marriage: the 50-year itch.


Linda Lea Viken is a 32-year veteran divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D. She said she’s seeing a dramatic uptick in the number of divorces among senior citizens. “I’m doing divorces of 50-year marriages,” she said. “You want to say to yourself, ‘You’ve made it this far — are you kidding me?’”

She says the trend is driven by everything from longer life expectancies to the impact of Viagra on the sex lives of seniors. But she also thinks it’s a result of older people mimicking attitudes they’re picking up from younger Americans. “We’re becoming a little bit of a ‘me first’ society,” she said. “It’s becoming difficult to really understand what people want because it’s what they want right now. But tomorrow, they might want something else.”



Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/25767.html#ixzz0NM9DzAH9

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

FINDING YOUR BASHERTE

Do you love the idea of The Bachelor, but are too frum to watch it? Then you’ll l ove the new show, “The Bachur.” The concept is the same: 25 girls vying for the heart of one guy. The twist? They’re all frum!

Our Bachur this season is Avraham Yitzchak Greenbergsteinkowitz from the holy city of Coffeeneck. He has studied in some of the best yeshivas, is over 5'6” and is a lawyer, doctor AND an accountant. You might ask why such an exceptional Bachur would choose such an unusual method for meeting his bashert. “Well,” says the Bachur, “I have been dating for over 6 months now and still have not been able to find my bashert. After consulting with all 17 of my rabbeim, I felt that this intense approach would be the best way for me to do so.”

The creator of the show is none other than Perry Charshady, who is the mastermind behind other reality TV hits such as “I’m a Rebbe…Get Me Out of Here” and “So You Think You Can Shteig.”

The premise of the show is the same as that of The Bachelor,” Charshady explains, “except with some minor differences to make it more appealing to a frum, heimishe, audience.” For example, the bachurettes will face-off with challenges such as the Challah Bake-Off. The bachurette with the worst tasting challah will be sent home. And who will be the judge of something so crucial to building a bayis neeman b’yisrael? “My Imma!” exclaims the Bachur. “She makes the best challah ever, so who better to judge?” Additionally, while on The Bachelor the bachelorettes go home to meet the guy’s family, our bachurettes will have to have a meeting with the Bachur’s favorite Rebbe.

And who are these bachurettes? Well, they are all no larger than a size 4 and went to Strict College for Women where they studied to be a therapist of any type. They also all come from wealthy homes in the Metropolitan area. “I just don’t feel comfortable with out-of-towners” The Bachur explains, “No one really knows what goes on in those places. At least where I’m from, everyone knows each others business so I can really get to know what a girl is like by asking, you know, her neighbors and kindergarten teacher s about her.”

From the very first episode, it is clear that these girls are top-notch. After being the first bachurette to be sent home, Chana Shprintza Cohenbaumosky cries “How could he reject me? I mean, I went to NNI – the best seminary in all of Israel!” Later in the show, the second rejected bachurette sobs “Doesn’t he even know who my father is?!” But, not all the bachurettes are so sincerely committed to their seeming “Chesed Each Day” lifestyle. In one episode late in the season, The Bachur gets his first big shock: “I don’t always wear tights,” confesses one bachurette.

Who is this shiksa posing as an accomplished bachurette? Is she the same one concealing the fact that she has Facebook? Or is more than one bachurette hiding a dark side? “It just bothers me when someone isn’t honest with me,” The Bachur says disappointedly. “I mean, if you talk to other boys or don’t have a white tablecloth on your shabbas table then clearly you’re not frum enough for me, and if you’re not frum enough to be here, then what are you even doing here?”

So what’s the next project for Charshady? A season of The Bachurette, perhaps? “No,” says Charshady. “The Bachurette would be almost impossible to create.” Why? He explains: “This is a reality show and if we were to portray 25 buchrim trying to win over one girl, it would not be an accurate representation of reality.” He then adds “And, on a technical note, the process of find ing 25 eligible buchrim would be an almost impossible feat.”

Well, this season promises to be one filled with scandals: bare legs, Facebook and even (gasp!) Law School? “It’s always been a secret dream of mine,” reveals a teary-eyed bachurette. But, it also will be packed with fun: hotel lobbies and exotic trips to Chevron! And fear not, there will also be plenty of Tehillim said through bouts of sobbing. So tune in every motzei shabbas!

Dinner would be ready if ......

Israel - Rabbi: Haredi Bachelors Over the Age of 20 Must Leave Jerusalem

Jerusalem - Ultra-orthodox bachelors over the age of 20 must move out of Jerusalem, Rabbi Yaakov Yosef, head of the Hazon Yaakov yeshiva and son of Shas' spiritual leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef ruled this week.

According to the rabbi, in the past it was customary to banish "older" single men from the capital as punishment for their refusal to marry and provide for a family.

In recent generations, Sephardi rabbis decided to annul this regulation, but according to Rabbi Yosef it should be reinstated. "Only a yeshiva student who studies Torah has an exceptional permission to postpone marriage, if he fears that marriage might distract him from his studies.

"But normally one must not delay marriage till after 20, and those who do had better leave Jerusalem and go study somewhere else," he wrote.

Last week the rabbi discussed in his column the question of what was the right age for marriage, and concluded that men must wed no later than age 19.

"Any man who reaches the age of 20 must hurry without tarrying, or he might find himself looking for many more years," he stated.

As I Mature

Life explained

On the first day, G-d created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So G-d agreed.

On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And G-d agreed.

On the third day, G-d created the cow and said:

'You must go in to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family
. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day, G-d created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Yes,' said G-d, 'You may have your wish.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Recipes are like a dating service

But he is so laid back

Torah Dating

B'reishis - In the beginning,

Noach lech - Noach went

Vayayroh Chayay Soroh - and he saw Chaya Soroh.

Toldos - He checked out the yichus

Vayaitzay - and they went out.

Vayishlach - They didn't like each other, so they sent each other away..

Vayaishev - The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.

Mikaitz - In the end,

Vayigash - they got close

Octuplets' mom: 'All I ever wanted'

14 kids and a single mom ?

what's with the single mom idea anyway?

are men that not good? or are women not getting it either

G-d should help us all

: )

I've called off the wedding .

Many people will walk in and out of your life

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
.

Man's best excuse not to marry

Diminish the negative and accentuate the positive. ?

Diminish the negative and accentuate the positive. by M. Gary Neuman

A key to a successful relationship, sometimes ?

A key to a successful relationship, sometimes ?

Other than that he's perfect ?

What's keeping him ?

Jewpid by Eileen Rosenbloom

It's time for the Jewish people to bring some love into the world... by converting cupid.

"If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"

4 Tevet

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Joshua Isaac Shapira, a leader of 19th century European Jewry known by the nickname Reb Eisele Charif. The story is told that when his daughter was ready to get married, Reb Eisel sought out the top yeshiva student. He entered the study hall and announced: "I have a very difficult question on a passage in the Talmud. Whoever can supply the correct answer will have my daughter's hand in marriage." Soon a long line formed, and one by one the students tried to provide the answer. And one by one, Reb Eisel explained how the answers were incorrect. This went on for days, but when no one came up with the correct answer, Reb Eisel packed up and left. He had just reached the edge of the city, when he heard a voice shouting after him: "Reb Eisel, Reb Eisel!" He turned around to see a young man running in his direction. The student explained: "I know I wasn't able to satisfy the condition for marriage, but just for my own sake, could you please tell me the correct answer?" "Aha!" shouted Reb Eisel. "If you have such a desire to know the truth, then you will be my son-in-law!"

'I want to be gorgeous too'

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The seco nd one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

'Make 'em all ugly again.'

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

MarriagE & ME

Many of us are too focused on the "me" in the equation.


Puzzled, the matchmaker requested more information. "She's actually very smart," the boy innocently revealed. "She agreed with all my opinions."

Playing with matches ???!!!!!

This is maybe one of the best ways, i as a shadchun feel today. i am sure all the caring shadchunim feel the same.

Hey, we are human as you all are.

Do singles really need to have anything in common ?

Actually, maybe the question should be; "Do singles really Have anything in common" ?

As much as the debate will go on about, that men and women are equal, the truth is that they are not, and will never be.
What each side should be asking is, " What can I contribute to the relationship to make it work? ".

Wishing all, a happy getting closer, Chanukkah !!!

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
76 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
76 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
76 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
76 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
76 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
76 76

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
76 He can chew breakfast

.

A wedding is an event — a marriage is a lifelong commitment ?

These two articles were sent to me discussing today's culture of weddings and marriage.
1. Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?
2. Do Rom-Coms Spoil Our Love Lives?

IMHO , after listening and reading what is happening even in -orthodox and/or religious circles, these opinions are very true..

While there are exceptions with some realistic people out there, how many though are conditioned to be realistic?

How singles feel

World stands on 3 things:

TORAH boy has to learn.
AVODA - girl has to work.
GIMILUS CHASADIM - the parents have to support them.

The Shidduch Crisis by Chaya Sara Schlussel

Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.

No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!

I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the yeshiva!

Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv out there for us future mother in laws.

I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."

"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"

"Huh?"

"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."

"Oh, well I don't know "

"And how tall is she?"

"Oh, she's average hei-"

"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5. She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be acceptable."

"Ok. I just-"

"What does she look like?"

"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."

"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"

"This girl is pretty."

"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"

"Yes, she's very-"

"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"

"No, I'm not sure I-"

"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's partial to BMW's."

"Oh. I didn't-"

"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child, nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."

"Actually, she's-"

"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."

"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"

"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha of Shabbos as much as they should."

"Well then, what should they eat on?"

"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl quiet, or is she loud?"

"She's not too quiet"

"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."

"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"

"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"

"Of course not, she's-"

"What will she wear on her head?"

"Excuse me?"

"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel? Which is it?"

"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"

"Regula r? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,' 'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or a rebbetzin?"

"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's just a good gir-"

"Did she go to camp?"

"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed home."

"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with a girl who hasn't been to camp."

"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"

"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with any girl who hasn't been to-"

"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your son."

Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch crisis!

THE PERFECT PLAN

THE PERFECT PLAN

A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D.. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

I love it when a plan comes together.... ..

(anon)

"What can I get for just a rib???"

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"

'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri

'Intermarriage is Not an Enemy' by David Ha'ivri
American Jews are in a great danger of their own.


Last week, the United Jewish Communities, an umbrella organization of America's 150 Jewish Federations, held their annual General Assembly conference at Jerusalem's Binyani HaUmah. As oleh comedian Benji Lovitt
GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received.
described it, it was the ultimate "Power Shmoozing" session of American Jewry. Hundreds of professional Jews from around America dressed like an army of diplomats, ranked by the figures of their financial donations to the Federation, mingled between speeches by top Israeli leaders Ehud Olmert, Binyamin Netanyahu, American oleh turned Israeli basketball legend Tal Brody, and others. Privileged donors of $100,000 were honored at a gala dinner, with an opening night attended by Mr. Olmert himself.

Despite all the hoopla, the Jerusalem Post reports that GA organizers were disappointed in the low level of press coverage they received in Hebrew-language media. Professional Jews of America seem to be frustrated with Israelis' lack of interest in the culture of the American Jewish community. They further claim that even when Israeli journalists visit the US they ignore the Jewish community and are only interested in US politics.

I attended the GA in Jerusalem, representing the Jewish communities in the Shomron, promoting our program of partnership between communities here and in the Galut. Though our "sister community" program we wish to reach out our distant brothers and sisters by building a real tie between Jews in the Shomron and Jews around the world. The truth is that I did find myself a stranger in a strange crowd. I would say that no more then 5% of the participants wore kipot and tzitzit (and some of those people were women). How "Jewish" was the tone of the day? UJC leader Edgar Bronfman said in his opening speech at the NexGen (Next Generation) meeting: "Let's not talk about intermarriage as an enemy, but as a reality."

This sheds light on the entire philosophy of the UJC. They believe in the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold make the rules." The UJC's leadership is made up of people like Mr. Bronfman, whose children have intermarried and whose grandchildren are no longer Jewish in terms of traditional Judaism. They have set out to form a new culture called the "United Jewish Communities," but, which should really be called "Bronfmanism". They are shocked that Israelis show so little interest in their works, but don't stop to think that the reason lies in the fact that they have cut themselves off from the connecting link - authentic Jewish culture.

The center of true Jewish culture is expressed by the implementation of the prophecies of the Bible, the ingathering of the Jewish people and the establishment of the State of Israel in our historical homeland. The abundance of Jewish wealth in America is not a culture within itself that can replace our heritage and values. That wealth should be used to complement those achievements in Israel and not to compete with them.

Apparently, their newly founded "Jewish" ethics and concepts of Tikun Olam are strange even to mainstream secular Israelis, who are naturally so much more "Jewish" then their American counterparts. Tikun Olam through feeding the hungry in Africa and Asia with Jewish money, so as to "fix the world's misconception" that Jewish money is not to their advantage, can not replace the true Jewish concept of Tikun Olam b'malcut Shadai - making the world complete by acknowledging the Kingdom of HaShem through fulfilling the mitzvot of the Torah.
Torah, not money, is what brings us together and causes us to be a people.
Expensive gala dinners honoring wealthy donors can not replace a traditional Shabbat dinner honoring HaShem who created the world in seven days.

UJC leaders find it hard to understand that the framework of our historical heritage - Torah, not money - is what brings us together and causes us to be a people. American Jews are in a great danger of their own doing. Their only hope is acknowledging that the key to Jewish leadership is not measured in dollars, but rather in commitment to authentic Jewish values.

American Jewish communities would be wise to invest their support in organizations like Nefesh B'Nefesh and Kollel MiTzion, organizations that preach Aliyah and teach Torah. That is what's needed to secure the future of their children by connecting them with our Torah and people and bringing them home to our land. The only hope for the future of the Jews of America is in return - return to our Torah and return to our land. The words of a great Jewish leader in Europe decades ago echo with great relevance today for the American Jewish communities: "Liquidate the diaspora before the diaspora liquidates you."

Generation Y talks about love in this 5 minute video by AishCafe.com

Generation Y talks about love in this 5 minute video by AishCafe.com

The greatness of man

The greatness of man

IMHO: 1 (if not the) reason for the shidduch crisis

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, hereit is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily
married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work... 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5 Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Conventional wisdom has proven that it is not so much about marrying the right person as being the right person

Practical advice on what it takes to build a Jewish home.

$5000. vs $200. ?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,

Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Am or am not?

The answer to why .....

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me G-D, can I ask you a few questions?"

G-D replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

The house always wins

When one spouse is more committed Jewishly than the other.

Unspoken communication

Jerusalem - Israeli Rabbi: Smokers, Reckless Drivers ‘halacha’ Disqualifies Them As A Witnesses For Rabbinical Courts, Weddings

Jerusalem - Israeli Rabbi: Smokers, Reckless Drivers ‘halacha’ Disqualifies Them As A Witnesses For Rabbinical Courts, Weddings

Israel - Organization to Start Training Rabbis on Marriage Counseling

Israel - Organization to Start Training Rabbis on Marriage Counseling

The Average American

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

Men vs Women

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Costco.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Household appliances

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Attitude is Everything

The process of human change begins within us. We all have tremendous potential. We all desire good results from our efforts. Most of us are willing to work hard and to pay the price that success and happiness demand.

Each of us has the ability to put our unique human potential into action and to acquire a desired result. But the one thing that determines the level of our potential, that produces the intensity of our activity, and that predicts the quality of the result we receive is our attitude.

Attitude determines how much of the future we are allowed to see. It decides the size of our dreams and influences our determination when we are faced with new challenges. No other person on earth has dominion over our attitude. People can affect our attitude by teaching us poor thinking habits or unintentionally misinforming us or providing us with negative sources of influence, but no one can control our attitude unless we voluntarily surrender that control.
No one else "makes us angry." We make ourselves angry when we surrender control of our attitude. What someone else may have done is irrelevant. We choose, not they. They merely put our attitude to a test. If we select a volatile attitude by becoming hostile, angry, jealous or suspicious, then we have failed the test. If we condemn ourselves by believing that we are unworthy, then again, we have failed the test.

If we care at all about ourselves, then we must accept full responsibility for our own feelings. We must learn to guard against those feelings that have the capacity to lead our attitude down the wrong path and to strengthen those feelings that can lead us confidently into a better future.

If we want to receive the rewards the future holds in trust for us, then we must exercise the most important choice given to us as members of the human race by maintaining total dominion over our attitude. Our attitude is an asset, a treasure of great value, which must be protected accordingly. Beware of the vandals and thieves among us who would injure our positive attitude or seek to steal it away.

Having the right attitude is one of the basics that success requires. The combination of a sound personal philosophy and a positive attitude about ourselves and the world around us gives us an inner strength and a firm resolve that influences all the other areas of our existence.

Jim Rohn

$50.00 is $50.00

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know fifty dollars is fifty dollars

Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5, BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule, ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,


A Distressed User

----------------------

Dear Distressed User:


This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating system.

This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Thanks for using our Tech Support.

the secret of marriage?

How to count

With age comes wisdom ?

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

You are going to die

Senior Romance

This is the story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida .

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper at the Club House. The widower and the widow went with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.

The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table and the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally he plucked up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes, Yes I Will."

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.

The next morning the widower was troubled.

Did she say Yes or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.......................

"And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."

I've learned....

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Source Unknown

A Time of Favor

A Time of Favor by Gutman Locks

A time of favor is a time when G-d bends down low and cups His hands over the back of His ears so He can hear our prayers even clearer. Of course, this is a metaphor, but, still, it helps us to understand what our role should be at such times.

It is well known that the time of the chuppah (the marriage canopy) is a time of favor. For this reason many brides and grooms are accustomed to bringing a list of their friends under the chuppah with them. They stand there and fervently pray not only for their own marriage to be a success, but for their loved ones too.

Praying for others not only helps the people who are prayed for, it also helps the ones who pray. Prayer is a tremendous kindness. It shows that you are truly concerned with others’ well being. And G-d never lets a kindness go unpaid. He is quick to reward those who take on the concerns of others.

There is another time of favor just as great as the chuppah, but so few women take complete advantage of it. This is the moment when you light your Shabbos candles. Because of this, not only should married women light candles at this time, but single girls should also light a candle to welcome the Shabbos. And if you will do the following when you light you will certainly change at least two lives:

After you make the blessing, while your hands still cover your eyes, and after you pray for your loved ones, say, “Hashem please give my chatan (groom) a nice Shabbos, and bring him to me as soon as we are ready.” After all, even though you do not yet know who he is, he is somewhere in the world, and he is yours.

hot chocolate

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said:

'Notice that all the nice looking; expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress

The cup that you 're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups.

And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate G-d has provided us G-d makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate!!

War in peace ?

communication is SO important

Single Jewish Female Seeks Stress Relief

Single Jewish Female Seeks Stress Relief By TAMAR SNYDER

I'm Bored .... How do I return the gift?

Just a serious reflection of a shadchun why shidduchim don't happen as people "want" them to happen.

Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others)

Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others)


"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness." The guy ideal: a chick who views coupledom as a solid partnership in which both she and her man still have separate identities.

Getting married for the sex .........

Getting married for the sex -
is like flying to London for the bag of salty peanuts

-A Prairie Home Companion - Guy Noir Private Eye

Great minds think alike ...........

I do not FEEL a thing

It must be true

You have nothing to worry about

A man once came to the Tzemach Tzedek - third Lubavitcher Rebbe - with a complaint. The man was plagued with doubts in Hashem. "Why does it bother you?" quizzed the Rebbe. The astonished man answered, "Rebbe, because I am a Jew!" "If that be so," continued the Rebbe, "You have nothing to worry about."

The Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disapp ointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a pl ace to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..... "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."And love G-d with all your heart.

Life is ten percent what yo u make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Why?

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that it breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say: - Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go? And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying: -Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says: I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you? Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.
I'm number four.....

Dear Tide

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told
me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Reb Moshe Leib Sassover...........

Reb Moshe Leib Sassover was known for the tremendous love and kindness he constantly expressed for his fellow Jews. There was a constant stream of Jews who came to him to ask for a word of advice or a blessing. One day a poor women appeared at his door. As soon as she was admitted to his rooms she began. "I beg you, Rebbe," she pleaded, "give me a blessing for my daughter who is very sick." Reb Moshe Leib responded with the blessing, "May G-d send her a complete and speedy recovery."

But this blessing was not sufficient for the distraught mother. "No, Rebbe, you must swear to me on your share in the World to Come that G'd will cure my child." Without hesitation, Reb Moshe Leib replied, "I swear on my portion in the next world that G'd will cure her and she will recover." When she heard these words, the women thanked the Rebbe and left with a light heart.

Reb Moshe Leib's students who had observed the entire incident were astounded. They asked him, "Rebbe, how could you have made such a promise? The girl is seriously ill, and it is very possible she may not survive." "What else could I have done?" replied Reb Moshe Leib. "The tears of a Jewish mother are more precious to me than the entire World to Come. If my swearing on my future reward in the World of Truth was necessary to stop her from crying, then it is more than worth it to me, even if it will cost me my portion in the next world.

The pursuit ?

Men vs Women :

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really ticked off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them, they still don't learn from their mistakes, and still try their luck with others.


Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Do you have to take it personally?

4 bucks a gallon date ?

If you're a confused single person, you'll most likely be a confused married person

What is the missing ingredient in so many marriages that end in divorce? by Rabbi David Clyman

5 Ways to stay in Love

5 Ways to stay in Love by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A

check your parenting abilitites

Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites. This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)

MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

men vs women : busy-financial security

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really ticked off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them, they still don't learn from their mistakes, and still try their luck with others.


Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

When your spouse is a slob

When your spouse is a slob

Okay, Fine, There Really Are No Good Jewish Men Out There

Okay, Fine, There Really Are No Good Jewish Men Out There
Opinion

By David Seidman

I wish ..................

How did the human race appear?

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'G-d made Adam and Chava (Eve) and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Later, the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered,

'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Senior Romance

This is the story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper at the Club House. The widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.

The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table and the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally he plucked up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes, Yes I Will."

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.

The next morning the widower was troubled.

Did she say Yes or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.......................

"And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."